The cruelest thing the world ever did to me
Was try to convince me that everyone was good

sometimes i try to stop breathing
i have no end game
no intent to hurt myself
but sometimes i put my head under water
and hold my breath until my lungs ache

but then there are the times
when my body stops breathing for me
i struggle/ taking quick/ ragged breaths
unable to make my lungs feel full
and this is when it feels like drowning
and all i can do is lay still
and feel the weight in my chest dragging me
                                                                ­                 d
                                                              ­                      o
                                         ­                                              w
                                                               ­                            n

it's strange how someone can feel empty
yet so heavy

I've grown used to this weight in my chest
And I worry sometimes
That if it should dissipate
Maybe I'd float away
And become even more lost
Than I am now

The weakest shade of blue
Is the color of my eyes in the dim light of my room
As I sip a lukewarm beer
Headphones crammed into my ears
Filling my head with distortion and feedback
Replacing the noise in my brain
With a more aesthetically pleasing version
I never want to see you when I'm sober
But I want you so bad

There are different kinds of sadness
Everybody knows that
There's the kind that leaves you empty inside
Draining your energy
Through leaks at your tear ducts

There's the kind that leaves you still
Unable to force yourself to move
Because you might shatter
Any sense of wellness that you have left

And there is the kind that sits
Like a vulture
A weight in your chest
Taking up important space
Where your lungs should reside
Leaving you short of breath
Making you feel so heavy
You sink
Like an anchor thrown off a dock
And in the depths of the dark water
You are lost

I am the leaves falling
Through the October sky
Gracefully accepting
A fate I did not decide

I am the moon as a cloud
Moves to cover my face
It doesn't count as hiding
If I was forced in this place

I am the birds fleeing
From the season of cold
Avoiding the inevitable
Searching for a new home

I am the wind as it sweeps
Through the forests
Invisible until someone
Feels my presence first

And I am the feeling
That you get late at night
You don't know what's wrong
But nothing feels right
And you're too nervous to try
To turn on the light