I tired of the awkwardness,
feeling hurt,
scarred,
alone.

Because that's how I feel,
no matter who I am with.

A room full of friends,
or strangers.

It doesn't matter.

I am not treated any differently.
Sometimes I am treated better by
those I don't know.

Maybe it's because
they don't know me yet.

The bridges I have,
I try to keep.
But they eventually burn.

I guess the issue is me,
since bridges seem to burn
all the time.

If they aren't burnt yet,
they are on the cusp of starting.

My heart is troubled,
more often now than ever before.

Complications of what I see,
as a one way street.
It is a continuous road that never stops.

It's not a give and take,
requiring me to sacrifice more
and more each time.

I don;t even benefit from it.
I don't expect to.
But a little appreciation or
thought would be nice.

I feel like I do this out
of the goodness of myself,
but there is little returned,
if anything at all.

Again, I wouldn't do it
for the sake of something in return.
It just ***** when there is no
reply or reciprocation of what
I have done for them, ever.

No thought or inclination,
not a moment of time,
no mention or even notion
of my existence.

I grow tired of these complications of
no reciprocation.

It seems like,
people think they really
know me.

The problem is,
they don't.

Not unless they really
care.

Where my life is only shown
in the words I write.

No one really cares about
what I write,
so how does one know me?

I try to share my work,
not for my work's sake,
but because it's me.

It's clear and conscious
side of me,
raw but polished.

Where people don't get lost
with what I say
or how I speak.

My words are known,
meaning you could know me
only if you cared.

I have this constant battle,
mainly in my mind.

The thought of being with someone,
having a relationship,
falling in love.

But I have turmoil if I should even try.
I am not scared mind you,
I just feel there is no one who sees me.

The select ones who do,
obviously find faults in me,
which I know.
I understand them.

But there is a lack of unconditional
I try so hard not to say something that will offend,
but it seems all too easy to do so,
without even trying.

The problem is me.
The things that I thought would
never affect me, has.

My past, my troubles have swooned,
growing and festering inside,
growing out of control.
My being has become evil.

My words harsh,
my heart darkened.
my thoughts deplorable.

How have I come to this?
For the sake of those I love,
why would I become close just
to destroy the bonds I have.

To destroy the relationships that are dear to me,
would be my undoing.
I must keep a distance for their sake,
so I can no longer hurt them,
or make them angry.

I must keep control of these
demons that are inside of me.

I need to change,
I know that,
the demons I have,
they need to be kept under wraps,
hidden from the rest of the world.

But who could ever love me as I am,
with the demons I try to hide?

I guess I am an island,
where I am secluded with
my thoughts.

Thoughts that seem to
enrage others,
go against the grains,
spoken even when it's not
appropriate.

My thoughts seem to unique,
since everyone seems to not agree
on my take on my opinions.

Maybe I am the only one.

When I share my thoughts,
I am easily dismissed,
ignore, or
told that I am wrong.

That what I see isn't real.

Yet time after time
I watch and see,
trying to notice if I
do go too far,
if I take things
the wrong way.

Trying to discern
if I blow things out of
proportion,
or is it real.

As I watch
the more saddened I become,
knowing what I thought
was true.

And those I have spoken to,
try to silence me,
because what I say
offends them,
or makes them think before
they talk to me,
how they treat me.

Because I am not treated the same,
I know this,
I watch it.

I am not treated the same
like everyone else.
People around me act
differently,
even my friends.

I am played the fool.

Maybe I do read
into things.

Sometimes I do,
but most of the time,
I base my decision
on what I see.

I have the ability to remember,
too much at times,
remembering things I would
rather forget.

But what I do see
and what I learn,
I calculate
and discern.

When I bring revelation,
it is merely mocked at,
ignored,
or rejected.

Yet I tend to be right
on the money.

Sometimes I would rather be wrong,
seeing what I knew,
but kept it on the back burner.

People don't understand what I see,
what others do not.

They don't want to face the music,
or see the truth when it's right
in front of them.

But that's just me,
maybe I am wrong,
and reading into it again.

Love,
it's a word we think
we understand and yet
we really don't.

We think it's
an emotion we have,
and we think we fall
in love with someone.

But is it real?
Is it more than skin deep?
Is it more than just lust?
More than just an idea of
falling for that person?

Love is more than that,
It is a verb and
not a noun.

Love should speak volumes when
we portray i,.
without having to say so.

Love is a choice too.
We either choose to look at faults
or look past them.
To forgive or not.
To remember those failures
or forget them.

Did we fall in love with
the idea of love?
Or the idea of the ideal person?
What is the scale we use to
measure whether someone is
good for us or not?
What characteristics are wanted
and not necessarily needed.

We tend to ignore the actual needs,
and more heavily favor what is wanted.

When we tend to stray from what is
good for us,
we look at everything else
that shouldn't matter.

Because when it's the lust of
the flesh,
the good and more appealing
the less likely we see the issues
that are underneath.

Wanted what looks good,
but not knowing how dangerous
and how corrupted that person is.

Mistakes are easily forgiven
when those people are more appealing to
the eyes.

The flags are ignored,
the warnings erased,
or justified in our stupidity,
just for the sake of outer beauty.

I guess it's easier to put up with those fights and
arguments when it looks good.
But in the long run,
it can be overwhelming.

It's not worth the aggravation
in the end.
We are only lying to ourselves.

Yet we are told what society deems worthy,
what seems to be good,
when it's only an outside appearance.

When certain attributes are weighed more
heavily than what really matters.

What Hollywood and every degradation
of both men and women tell us
what we should be looking for
what really counts.

But that is just a lie.

When we stop caring
about the inside,
the actual person,

who they are,
only concerning ourselves
on what looks good
and is what is attractive,

that's when love
has nothing to do with
want we need.

We use fantasies to fill our head,
but our thoughts do not play out
what happens in reality.

The issues that come with those
fantasies.
That image of that person is still
only an outside image,

not knowing who he or she is,
falling in love with an idea,
not that person.

Get off the cloud while you can
come back to a sense of reality.
Stop fantasizing about an idea that
will never be your ever after.

Your ideas of love
is just a fantasy.
Wake up and come back
to reality.

Sometimes I wonder if I am too critical.
Taking away the limelight,
casting a shadow over an idea,
or am I right about my opinion?

I read into things
I notice when things are off,
not by much,
but still know when its wrong.

I caught a certain movie this way.
Where things were wrong,
plain to see, for anyone who
knows their Bible.

Scriptural based problems, that are
either left out or completely changed.
Too much freedom in creativity when there are
four distinct accounts in the Bible.

Yet this one starts with the premise it is from John,
where numerous distortions are found.

But the biggest issue is never mentioned in the movie,
why does Jesus have to die?
The only viewpoint that is really shown is that Jesus "blasphemes God"
according to the Jews.

The issue arises when there is no
explanation why Jesus has to die.
What is the significant reason of Him dieing for us?
This is not mentioned,
neither is the Holy Spirit.

There are a lot of minor issues in the movie,
but to skip the purpose of why
Jesus came to earth is not shown.

Yes, He dies on the cross,
but it doesn't reflect His  
reason for doing so.

I hope this movie stirs talk
in finding the truth.
The meaning for why Jesus died for us.
That the minor details
that are either left out or added,
are noticed.

Making people open up the Bibles
to see it for themselves,
as it is written.

It allows people to learn more
about a story that they have heard
time and time again,
but learning something new.

Picking up on verses
they never interpreted before.

To learn and gain knowledge of the one Book
which should matter the most,
to truly understand and know the Son of God.

~The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction. Proverbs 1: 7

Why can't I express my rage?
My feelings?

This disbelief of betrayal
to a degree?

I know you don't care,
whenever I talk,
you ignore me.

If you do listen it is
for a short time.

And when I am finished,
there is no answer.

A sarcastic remark,
no answer,
no patience,
and not one ounce
of respect.

Why do I try so hard,
to just get a response,
when even that is near
impossible?

If an answer comes,
it's not helpful,
it's a general solution,
with no real fixes.

But I guess you do this
to everyone else?
Because I know that's not true.

There is no genuine kindness
towards me,
I guess you just tolerate me.

My mind has been troubled,
heart vexed.

On a point,
on a topic
that is relentless.

A continuation,
recurring theme,
that never stops.

I try to block it,
try to rid myself of
these thoughts.

But here it goes.

How do you define a person?
Either a man or woman.
Is it their job,
their upkeep?

Maybe it's their physique,
their physical attributes.
What they possess,
or in some cases,
what they don't have.

Is it the smile,
the eyes,
their build?
Short, tall,
curvy, or toned?

What makes them special?
What makes them different
than the rest
who look the same way?

What is it about these qualities
that it is really necessary?
Does one become less of a man or woman
without these acceptable qualities.

What's wrong with "average?"
What's wrong with not having these
things we think we have to have?

I assure you there are many we
look over,
pass by,
because they lack certain qualities.

Qualities that are not necessarily needed,
only wanted.
The same qualities found not just in a few people,
but in many.

So what separates one from the many?
What makes one greater or lesser than any other?

Why do you only care what people look like,
instead of who they are.

You get this idea that everything will be perfect,
not looking past the outside beauty.
Not seeing the problems or faults,
instead you ignore them.

Instead of looking reality in the face,
and seeing beyond the surface.
You tell yourself a lie and believe
everything will be ok.

Since what a person looks like seems to
be more important.

I assure you if that person
was not as easy on the eyes,
if they ******* up just once, '
you would call it quits.
  
It would be a different story if it were
fantasy guy or girl you wanted,
you would stay for mere fact
that they were beautiful.

Tell me I'm wrong.
Tell me that what I see
isn't the truth.

Tell me that your ideal
"man" or "woman"
is what you say it is.

And I'll tell you,
you have nothing but
unrealistic fantasies.

I used to love weddings,
not for party and spectacle,
but for the reason why
a wedding takes place.

The vows,
the purpose,
the words coming
from within.

Those statements
of promise,
of trust,
of love.

The seemed to be so
powerful,
yet easily
forgotten.

Weddings have
lost their meaning,
being lackluster
becoming numbing..

The more weddings
I've gone too,
the less hope I have
for myself.

For marriage
would mean
someone would have
to see me as me.

To love me for who I am
with every flaw
and fault I have.
and find me appealing.

To look beyond
the outside appearance,
which seems to be
the most difficult part.

But even if I did
gain the appearance
wouldn't it disappear
with time?

If I lost weight,
and had a physique,
would she leave me
when I gained it back?

If I became rich
and could offer anything
would she walk out
when I lost it all?

If at the end
of it all,
it was just me,
would she stay?

What is the purpose
of love if what they love
is not who you are?
It is what you are.

What is the point
of wedding vows,
when they aren't
taken seriously.

When an argument
or disagreement can
dismantle a marriage
before it begins.

When marriage gets
rough and suddenly
both sides call it quits
without fighting for it.

Compromise,
sacrifice,
unconditional,
mean nothing.

How can I hope for this,
for myself,
when I can't find
unconditional love.

A love that is needed,
a love I long for,
because there is no way
I can marry without it.

I used to love weddings,
not for party and spectacle,
but for the reason why
a wedding takes place.

The vows,
the purpose,
the words coming
from within.

Those statements
of promise,
of trust,
of love.

The seemed to be so
powerful,
yet easily
forgotten.

Weddings have
lost their meaning,
being lackluster
becoming numb.

The more weddings
I've gone too,
the less hope I have
for myself.

For marriage
would mean
someone would have
to see me as me.

To love me for who I am
with every flaw
and fault I have.
I find me appealing.

To look beyond
the outside appearance,
which seems to be
the most difficult part.

But even if I did
gain the appearance
wouldn't it disappear
with time?

If I lost weight,
and had a physique,
would she leave me
when I gained it back?

If I became rich
and could offer anything
would she walk out
when I lost it all?

What is the purpose
of love if what they love
is not who you are?
It is what you are.

What is the point
of wedding vows,
when they aren't
taken seriously.

When an argument
or disagreement can
dismantle it
before it begins.

Where marriage gets
rough and suddenly
both sides call it quits
without fighting for it.

Compromise,
sacrifice,
unconditional,
mean nothing.

How can I hope for this,
for myself,
when I can't find
unconditional love.

A love that is needed,
a love I long for,
because there is no way
I can marry without it.