Water sifting between my toes, droplets clinging to my jeans
My fingers getting stuck in his knotted brown hair
Running, running
Water splashing on feathered wings
Rocks giving way for love
My eyes soaking up sunlight and dust
He smiles, kisses my forehead, races towards the blue sky
Jumping on clouds, swinging on branches
Bowing to oak trees that sprinkle the ground
I close my eyes and feel the wrinkles of soil
I smile and feel the upward curve of laughter
I turn to look for him to tell him I love him
But he is gone
Gone with the waves that crash on the rocks
Gone with the sun that blinds my soul, gone like comforters spilling over pink feet
Gone like coffee shops at 3 AM
Gone
Gone
Gone

Here’s my letter to you.
I hate you.
I love you.
I yearn for you.
I can’t stop thinking about you.
I draw your face on bread slices and squish them underneath my feet.
I see you in the windows of cars passing by.
I see you in the exhaustion of the wind that blows through crumpled newspapers.
I hear you in the doorknob that won’t unstick.
You are the chalk beneath my fingernails.
You are the way my coffee swirls when it burns my tongue.

You are everywhere.
I can’t undo you.

So, come with me
Where we can see the trees sway
Where the sun is a different color as it sets
And the stars dust the night

We’ll lay in that brown patch of grass
Caterpillars hanging on to leaves
The rustling branches scattering the earth
And we’ll know what it’s like to feel

Mountains with snow drenching its tops
Touch my skin, it burns for you
Fingers calloused and worn with time
The shimmer of the earth

Let the grays blanket the rivers
The rocks tumbling into sea banks
Roots of trees soaking in teals
Humming of time long gone

I wait for you

Purple skies and wounded hearts
Leaves drifting away
Growing trees and yellow planes
Night turning to day

Untuned cellos, crumbs on sheets
Grass blades in between toes
Aerosol cans and crooked shelves
Snowflakes that stay on the nose

Purple you and wounded me
Us drifting away
Growing you and yellow me
No one wanting to stay

Untuned me, crummy you
Two scarred, translucent souls
Aerosol me and crooked you
I'm dying, but nobody knows.

I'm so tired of crying,
I'm so tired of pain,
I'm so tired of clouds constantly threatening rain.

I'm so sad from this loss,
I'm so sad from this grief,
I'm so sad I have nothing in which to believe.

I used to want life,
I used to want love,
I used to want someone to always think of.

But now that you've left,
And now that you're gone,
My heart is now shattered, no blood to be drawn.

Here's the R2D2 Action Figure you mailed,
The book of the "Ways I Love You",
The picture we colored at home on the beach,
Your laces; but only one shoe.

My notebook that's filled to the brim with your name,
The mix tapes of all of your songs,
The engagement ring that you bought me to wear:
In this box now is where it belongs.

I throw it all in: all our memories and love,
The four ***** are now sealed and closed,
I wish we could go back to the way that it was,
The day when you finally proposed.

But I know that we can't; it can't happen, it won't,
And I think that I knew from the start
That although you love me, and although I love you,
It was our love that had kept us apart.

I think I love you most in Spring
When leaves grow bold and strong
Flowers budding on each branch.
Tree roots spiral and twist into the damp dirt
Earthworms slithering from sewers
Slithering
Warm wind sifting through blades of grass
Misted with dew drops.
I take my shoes off and smell the thick air
Nature tickling my feet.
Roses kissing my cheeks
The tip of my nose
Warm rain sprinkling the fur of the deer
Dashing through the streets.

I think I love you most in Fall
When leaves crinkle and flutter in the sky
Leaving splashes of color on sidewalks
And on the top of cars,
In puddles splashed by tiny feet.
Pumpkins making faces
Rolling down driveways
Rolling
Blades of grass chilled by the cool wind.
I take my shoes off and smell the misty air
Nature tickling my feet.
Roses kissing my cheeks
The tips of my ears

I think I love you most in Winter
When leaves are all but swept away
Tree branches barren and lonely
Frostbite nipping the dead grass
Snowflakes making patterns in the white sky
Dusting each bony twig and pavement
Icicles hanging from the windows
Dripping downwards
Dripping
Firewood crackling.
I take my shoes off and smell the crisp air
Nature tickling my feet.

I think I love you most in Summer
When leaves are solitary greens
Sizzling wind blowing
Ocean waves crashing on the horizon
Where the orange sun meets the sky
Bicycles littering parks and towns
Outside of shop stores
Rusty hose water spilling into streets
Spilling
Roses kissing my cheeks

I think I love you

Slithering
Rolling
Dripping
Spilling

I think I love you

I know this hurt,
I’ve been hurt before.
My eyes are still stinging;
My body is sore.

I know this hurt,
My stomach in knots.
My whole body’s shaking,
Alone with my thoughts.

I know this hurt,
I know I’m not fine.
But something feels wrong.
What’s different this time?