My heart is like a paperclip
Flexible but tough
It will bend and hold its shape
But play with it too much
And it will break
Blood pumps
Pumps...
Pumps...
And stops
Love...and paperclip hearts

This poem was written after watching a few hours of slam poetry on Youtube. Let me know what you think...it's my first shot at slam poetry.*

There are so many words flowing around out there about the big girls. The thick girls, the curvy girls, the p-h-a-t phat girls. About their plush and soft exteriors, their abundant backsides, their willingness to accept themselves and their hopefulness that others will do the same. Their….thereness.
They are beautiful, don’t get me wrong.
They are beautiful.

But what about the skinny girls?

The small girls with petite builds and large hearts and an aversion to the word short. The size two and under girls, the drive thru can’t gain a pound girls, the I AM NOT ANNOREXIC OR BULLEMIC girls.

The girls who will always be referred to as “pixie-like” or “waif-like” or “twig-like.” The perfect model body girls that all of the other girls hate…because of their lack of fat.

Aren’t they beautiful?

The girls with the size 32 bust line, the girls who, at 24, still shop in the junior sections of department stores. The girls who, regardless of their age, their strengths and weaknesses, their experiences, heartaches and joys, disappointments and triumphs, their want or need for life and love will always look like they missed a meal or gave it back purposefully with the intent of becoming even thinner. The girls who, no matter how ******* HARD they try, cannot even weigh 100 lbs soaking ******* wet.

Aren’t they beautiful?

The big girls have to search and search for cute and **** and attractive clothes because of their size. Guess what? So do the skinny girls. Do you know ******* hard it is to find a pair of pants with a size zero waist and a 34 inch leg? To finally find an extra small shirt that doesn’t have one of the top three cartoon characters of the time plastered across the front?

All I’m saying is yes, the thick girls, the curvy girls, the p-h-a-t phat girls…
They are beautiful.

But ******, so am I.

Death
Is here
For you
Tonight
Stay
Awake
Or you
Will die
Come
To me
My child
Of night
Love
The moon
And die

You aren’t there
In memories
My memories of love
I’m happy

Moments of memories
Memories of happiness
With a ghost

Feeling nothing
No bad memories
Just ghosts

Waiting…
Waiting…
Waiting…
How could you?

Trust is lost
Faith is lost
I stayed

Ended for us
Not by us

Best decision I couldn’t make

Summer afternoons
Simple joy of holding hands
Alone under a tree
Only you

Surprise first kiss
Watching you trip out of my house
I laughed

Falling quickly in love
And hitting hard…

Harder than anyone deserves

Lightning strikes through the darkening haze
Piercing shadows with its bright blaze
Thunder rumbles like a sad moan
Sounding sad because it’s all alone
A tree falls in the distance somewhere
You jump, just a little, you weren’t expecting the scare
Lightning strikes, once, twice, three times
You hear fire crackle in the distance
A kid with a bag of dimes
Leaves rustle beside you, you see eyes, that’s not good
Your instinct says to run, you’re not crazy, everybody’s would
Your mind says to run, flee, get away!
But you don’t move a muscle, you just stay
Lightning strikes again, you then see the masked face
You breathe a sigh of relief, and regain your pace
Your movements scare you little friend
He runs into the trees
You lock eyes with another, she also turns and flees
Many things are seen and heard, on a late night walk alone
Listen and learn about the things that surround you
Just another surprise going home

Bright red blood turns into crimson,
As the darkness of death falls.
The undeads work is about to begin,
Then you hear their mournful calls.
“Come to me,” it seems their saying,
But you know you can’t give in.
You know you must keep on delaying,
If you don’t want to end up in sin.

Have you ever, been face to face, with a great beast?
Tigers are one of the greatest, not one of the least.
Tigers are majestic things, fighters that they are.
They don’t have wings, they cannot fly, but you’re not that far.
They are creatures of great strength, you must’ve noticed that.
They’re beautiful, smart, and a soulful thing, not just a big cat.
They are good jumpers and great fighters, that I know too well.
They have teeth as sharp as knives and eyes that cast a spell.
Their claws, like spears, sharp as life, are great for how they eat.
They eat by stalk, they stalk to ****, they have no great defeat.
So if you ever, come face to face, with this great beast,
Remember what you’ve been told, he may think of you…
As a feast!

Have you ever had that feeling,
That no one cares at all?
That if you fell off a ladder,
There would be no one to catch your fall?
Have you ever tried to **** yourself,
Just to see them react?
And when they found out what you did,
The all just turned their backs?
Have you ever yelled I HATE YOU!
To someone you really love,
And when you turn to say I’m sorry,
They just gave you a big shove?
Have you ever had that feeling,
That no one gives a ****?
They don’t even say you’re welcome,
When you say thank you sir or ma’am.
Nobody cares about you, nobody  cares at all.
Sometimes I stop and wonder,
Do I even belong at all?

Sleeplessness keeps me up all night
It makes me see things all a fright
Insomnia is when I think my best
My mind runs crazy, all at rest
My mental illness has no cure
My subconscious, all is to lure
Brings me to a deep, dark place
I’m all alone, I have no space
I want out, I want to dream
I want to sleep, I may just scream
I don’t exactly, like to see
Two a.m. and a quarter ‘til three
Five f*cking hours, is NOT enough
My mind ends up all foggy and rough
Last time I checked, thinking was cool
It was needed, especially in school
I’d like to pass. Summer school’s no fun
During the summer, I should be sleeping in the sun
Sleep? What is this?  I do not recall…?
Oh yes, that is it…it’s been so **** long

Why did you leave me?
I didn’t get to say goodbye.
Why did you leave me?
All you made me do was cry.
Why did you leave me?
I thought you’d be around, always.
Why did you leave me?
Then you were gone, in a matter of days.
Why did you leave me?
I thought I would die.
Why did you leave me?
Jump out a window, try to fly.
Why did you leave me?
Oh God, I’m so sad
Why did you leave me?
I love you, and I miss you Dad

Everything goes Black or White
No Grey shades to be found
Everything goes Up or Down
No Middle is around
Everything goes Right or Left
No Kind of in the air
Everything goes Black or White
No Grey shades anywhere

The scars keep coming
I don’t stop them
People see marks
I feel so condemned

They think the cat makes them
That’s what some are
The others are special
The ones like a star

The ones down my arm
And the one on my hand
The cat couldn’t make them
They had to be planned

They’re fading away
They were made long ago
But the one on my hand
It’s the one that shows

I made it last night
I’m making it now
Doesn’t hurt much though
I don’t know how

It needs to be deeper
It needs to stand out
It needs to be hidden
Beyond any doubt

I wonder what they’d say
If they knew what went on
In my head, they’d be scared
Didn’t know so much was wrong

It’d scare the hell from them
If they knew what I knew
Some know but don’t care
Some don’t but they do

I don’t know why I do it
Doesn’t give me a rush
I don’t do it for attention
I keep it hush hush

But I do it still
But I still don’t know why
I don’t to it ‘cause I’m drunk
I don’t do it ‘cause I’m high

I don’t do it ‘cause of pressure
At least, I don’t think
I guess I’ll never know
Do you think I need a shrink?

I believe you when you say
That you feel the way you do
Then you do or say something
That makes me question you
I believe you when you say
That I’m the only one
Then there’s something that catches your eye
And you turn around and run
I believe you when you say
You tell everything to me
Though the look in your eyes
Shows things that I can’t see
I believe you when you say
That you feel the way you do
I just wish that you’d confirm
I don’t want to question you

I thought I saw you
On the side of the road
I didn’t realize
I hadn’t been told

I thought I saw you
Go driving by
I didn’t realize
I don’t know why

I thought I saw you
Just standing there
I didn’t realize
I wasn’t aware

I thought I saw you
Although it seems
I didn’t realize
You were only there in my dreams

Don’t ignore me
I see you there
Don’t ignore me
It’s just not fair
You ignore me
Why don’t you speak
You ignore me
I make you weak
You can’t stand it
You’re thinking of me
You can’t handle it
They’d all agree
You noticed me
When I walked by
I noticed you
I won’t deny
I think I like you
That is for real
I think you like me
Now that’s a deal

It was something for me
Why’d you interfere?
Leave me alone
Just disappear
It was my hobby
Why’d you have to jump in?
Could’ve sworn there was a wall
Wall must’ve been thin
Why couldn’t you have stayed
In your own little chat
Left ours alone
And let that been that
I know I’m sounding selfish
But this thing was mine
Why couldn’t you stay out
Then everything would be fine
I was just feeling free
Now you’ve come along
Why did you do that?
Everything’s gone wrong

So close and yet so far away,
My love for you seems here to stay.
I know I care, I just don’t want to admit it,
I don’t know this feeling, I want it to quit.
I know this makes me feel, that we’re more than just friends,
I want it to leave, but I don’t want it to end.
It sounds ****** up when I say it aloud,
Like a foreign language from a person on a cloud.
You don’t seem to realize what I feel for you,
You think we’re just flirting, like we always do.
Maybe we are, maybe I’m confused,
Even if I am, you’re still someone I don’t want to lose.
Hopefully I can get my feelings straight,
Otherwise, it may be too late.

You tell me that you love me
Then leave me for your friends
You make me feel so happy
Then you do it all again
I’m left here lost and lonely
A feeling that I’ve known
I say that it’s no bother
But you of all should know
You say you understand me
These feelings that I get
But you don’t seem to realize
That I don’t get them yet
You say that it’s not my fault
That I’ve don’t nothing wrong
But everything you say and said
Pointed at me all along
You tell me that you love me
Then why do I feel alone?
It’s me, my books, and poetry
My lifelessness set in stone

He says he’ll do it
He threatens again
He isn’t playing
It’s annoying
I STILL see them
Hear their stupid nonsense
They aren’t gone yet
He threatens again
Then talks over us
Some remain quiet
Actually listen
But I still hear them
He threatens again
And he threatens the wrong people

His accent drives me crazy
His kisses turn me on
His love bites make me want him
This feeling can’t be wrong

I only want to hold him
To have him with me now
Only to be near him
All I think is WOW

How could he feel this way?
I’m so glad he told me
The love that’s here seems so sincere
I’m surprised I didn’t see

You wouldn’t think it’d happen
If you saw us just around
That he could care so much for me
Without even a sound

I hope I never hurt him
To hurt him would hurt me
To let him down would **** me
I just hope he sees

I will always love him
May the love stay strong
May it never falter
May it last so long

Always leaving me
Always returns
Knows it bothers me
Still leaves
Told him many times
Still goes
Says he loves me
Won’t listen
Blames it on school
Failing class
Could pass if he tried
Wants to leave
Teacher is crazy
Want her throat
All her fault
He’s gone
Can’t stand sharing
My fault
Won’t stop shining
Too selfish
Need to get over it
Can’t help it
I love him

I want to die
(or I’ll do it myself)
I want to scream
(or I’ll do it myself)
I want to cry
(or I’ll do it myself)
I want to bleed
(or I’ll do it myself)
Somebody **** me
(or I’ll do it myself)
Or I’ll do it myself
(or I’ll do it myself)

I need something!
Love, hate, no feeling
I need something!
I’m staring at the ceiling
I need something!
Love me
Hate me
**** me
**** me
I need something!
Love, hate, no feeling
I need something!
I’m staring at the ceiling

The silences surround you,
As leaves fall in the breeze.
The quiets all around you,
As the wind blows through the trees.
You hear nothing in the distance,
As the cars go flying by.
You listen very carefully,
As you look around and sigh.
You were hoping for a miracle, excitement, something good,
But nothing ever happens, as it should.
Birds twitter in the trees,
But you hear nothing in the air.
Dogs bark among themselves,
Loud and without care.
The silences surround you,
Cans roll along the ground,
The quiets all around you,
Never to be found.

You see me as you want to
But you don’t know the half of it
You know me like so many do
But you don’t know the half of it
You say, “Wow, it’s been awhile.”
But you don’t know the half of it
Don’t question twice when I nod and smile
But you don’t know the half of it

You say you know me but you don’t
You say you want me but you won’t
You say you care but you could care less
You say goodbye, wish me the best
You say you love me, leave me then
You say you want me, be my friend

You interpret what I say
As what you want to hear
You tell me what you want
Whether or not I care
You believe me when you will
You believe me when you won’t
Leave me be, please
Let me live my OWN!

Loneliness leads to insanity,
Talking to yourself, never feeling free.
Making up stories, and writing poetry,
That’s now what leads to insanity.
Insanity is all in the head,
It doesn’t come to you in a day of dread.
Insanity is a metaphor,
You’re not insane because you’ve been called a *****.
Insanity isn’t from your peers,
It doesn’t show up because of your fears.
Insanity is something you’re born with,
Insanity isn’t bad, it’s a gift.
Everybody is insane,
Being normal is what’s wrong.
If everybody was normal,
We wouldn’t be around for long.

When the music won’t play
I’ll be there for you
When the words just won’t come
I’ll be there then, too
When all you can hear
Is your own heart beat
Mine will be there
The two, one complete
When you’re all alone
Staring at the walls
I’ll come to you
All you must do is call
All I ask in return
Is that you do the same
I don’t want a big party
Don’t want you to feel shame
We all need compassion
Every once in a while
So wipe off those tears
And give me a smile

Four years past
Still crying
Normal reactions
Why’s it feel wrong?
Should be over it
Yeah, right
Like that’ll happen
People say it will
People lie
Never happen
Years from now
Time comes
I’ll cry

They tease me and they taunt me
They don’t see what I see
They don’t know what I know
And they don’t seem to care

They laugh at me and smile
I ignore them all the while
It’s hard not to laugh at the stupid things
I’m not really all that mad

They completely and totally ignore me
I’m nothing but a mockery
But when I do the same to them
It’s wrong and they call me mean

They tease me and they taunt me
They don’t see what I see
They don’t know what I know
But now they don’t need to care

I sit there crying like a baby
Wishing it would all just leave
I wait, watching, lost and lonely
I guess I don’t want to believe
They all keep saying, “I am so sorry.”
But I am not quite sure for what
I keep waiting for him to come home safely
But I have a bad feeling deep in my gut
I know he’s gone, down deep inside
I just wasn’t ready for something like this
You never expect it could happen to you
And then you realize how much you’ll miss
Life’s too short to waste away
Tell those people how you feel
Otherwise it may be too late
The end of life is very real

I listen to their problems
I tell them some of mine
I hear them confidentially
I listen to the whine
I help them without knowing
I do it without thinking
I ask them many questions
I realize that they’re sinking
I try to save them, but
I know they’ll do it on their own
I try to keep them talking
I think I’ve finally shown
That they have no real problems
That it’s all in their own mind
But I keep on listening
It’s for themselves to find

Dark
Dark down
Dark down
In the depths

You
Will die
You will die
A slow death

Watch/I
Watch your/I wish
Watch your/I wish
Watch your back/You the best

For you
Will die
Tonight

I didn’t expect to fall in love
At the age of just sixteen
May there is something above
That’s watching over me

I didn’t expect to fall so fast
When I did, I screamed
I truly didn’t expect it to last
But he fell too, it seemed

And when he said those three sweet words
I could not hold back for long
And when I gave him my first kiss
I swear I heard a sweet, sweet song

No matter what he tells me
No matter our past scars
This is really meant to be
For a man CAN change his stars

He’s moved on
In more ways than one
Left me here
Never started, now it’s done
What to do
I do not know
It seems like it
Was so long ago
Never happened
Never will
Of all this mess
I’ve had my fill
Let it be over
Let it be done
Let it be passed
To a new someone
I’m not special
Leave me alone
It’s now the end
I should have known
Bother me never
Bother me more
I miss him so much
My heart is sore
Could it be over
Before it ever began?
Should I turn and run?
Have I already ran?
I look back at what it could have been
I sigh a little, but all I do is grin

Sometimes I just want to scream,
To hit and break things ‘til my eyes gleam.
People push me way too far, often,
I’d like to see them taken away in a coffin.
They think I’m powerless against the world,
They can keep wishing.
But I just say, to my friend, on the internet,
“He’s getting old, let’s go fishing.”
I tell people that and they look at me with eyes wide,
I tell them it’s an inside joke and to put it to the side.
But back on the subject, about the real powerless people,
They’re the ones with no guts, ones with no feeling.
They don’t care if one of their own gets hurt,
But freak out if they tear their shirt.
They don’t care about anyone,
Why care about them?
They think because I’m small,
They can shove me in the dirt.
But I hold my ground and just get a little blood on my shirt.
They hit me again, because I don’t care.
I stand their ‘til I’m mad, then watch them ‘fall’ down the stairs.
OOPS, my bad, did I do THAT?
I think as I make a grin big and fat.
They got what they deserved, in the hospital, where they belong.
I jump up and down and sing a happy song.
They say they’ll get me in an evil voice,
Then they die, like they had the choice.
Now I can’t sleep, I hear them say their last words,
I can’t stand it anymore,
GOD! This is absurd!
It wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t, IT WASN’T!
But, not that I think about it, was it?

He has no blood with which
His heart to make a beat
He has no soul within
His love should never keep
He heals like the undead
And can see into your mind
Don’t bother with a wall
If he’s looking, he will find
You won’t know him by his age
His hair and eyes to match
Don’t bother running cross the room
If he’s chasing, he will catch
The only life’s end for him
Shall not be ever spoken
For the only life’s end for him
Is a heart that’s broken

You hear the cry in the dead of night,
So close to see, but not in sight.
You hear the breath, you feel the eyes,
But nothing’s there, a mind that lies.
You check the window, a slight mind flare,
But once again, there’s nothing there.
You turn around, and there you see,
The deadly one, the fearsome me.
You run for the door, so close as to reach it,
But I get there first, and block your split.
You run for the window, thinking you might have a chance,
But I beat you there no second glance.
I have you cornered, you’re mind for the killing,
There’s just one problem, you’re not willing.
“Come on,” I say, “You’ll love it to death.”
“But,” you plea, “I’ll have no life left.”
“But you’ll live with me,” I state, “Immortality.”
Once again yo try to flee, but once again the faster is me.
I let down my guard after a silent minute,
And you grab a sheath with a witch’s knife in it.
You stab me once and twist it quick,
And then you take a fearsome lick.
You have my blood, you are one of them now, don’t fight it,
You sit down, no longer afraid of the quiet.
You hear the cry in the dead of night,
So close to see, still not in sight.
You feel the breath, you sense the eyes,
Yet nothing’s there, a mind full of lies.
You check the window to see what’s there,
Disappointed, you step back and stare.
You see your reflection, you had no clue,
That all along, the deadly one, was you.

I cut myself to see the blood
To make sure that I’m real
I cut myself to know the pain
To prove that I do feel
I cut myself to have the scars
To know that I’ll be fine
I cut myself to have the power
To know my life is mine

Flying kites in a spring breeze
Practicing until you can hit the ball with ease
Whole team shows up for an unscheduled practice
No memory will ever top this
Playing in the mud after a summers rain
Running from a bully that is so vain
Chasing after boys to give ‘em a kiss
No memory will ever top this
Graduations here and graduations gone
No one will remember our graduation song
But you know what I’ll miss?
A memory to top this

This beast is chewing at my soul
Don’t remember the last time I felt whole
The creature inside is pulling me thin
So much fear I will not win
Fighting back is becoming too hard
So close to throwing in my cards
Don’t know what to do, I can no longer see
I fear this is the end of me

What is perfection?
          Perfection is an opinion
          Perfection is an illusion
          Perfection is a lie
There is no such thing as perfection
          Perfection does not exist
Those who claim to be perfect do so to hide something
          Nobody is perfect
          Nothing is perfect
There is no such thing as perfection

In every corner of my mind,
There are problems that I find.
Lurking there, they wait for me,
Hiding in places I can’t see.
In the dark, their favorite place,
Is where they wait to see my face.
Shock and horror, complete confusion,
They don’t care, a pure illusion.
What ends up, I do not know,
They can tell, my face will show.
Make me angry, make me sad,
My sanity was all I had.
It left a blank and emotionless face,
Left forever without a trace.