And as the leaves fall from the trees
I continue to fall apart
And as the weather gets colder
so does my heart
And as the rain pours down
I feel myself sink
I've been left bare
as the trees soon will be

I walk the paths you once did
And lay in your spot in my bed
My mind cant help but wonder
if you will return again

Some of my belongings smell of you still
thoughts of you continue to linger in my head
but when will you be back my love
To see I'm alone again

You left me because I was sad
but I was only sad because you left me
a vicious circle of intense feelings
they never seem to leave

I sigh today for the hundredth time
hopefully things will come together
but until then my love
I''ll have to endure the weather.

Today I thought of something that would make you smile
To only feel my heart dropped when I realized I never could
Today I stared at the clock and tried to push it back
Maybe I could be with you again if it would
Today I looked at the telephone thinking of a call I should make
But soon realized I never can
Today I stared at my scars
And questioned if you'd still love who I am

It seems although every rotten thing has something beautiful ****** inside waiting to be discovered. I am terrified that if one day I fight my way through the darkness I won't have that, in fact I'll have nothing at all.
You see I am not an autumn day or a flower in the desert; there is nothing special about me. Nothing immaculate has ever flowed through my veins.
Maybe if I sink back into that pain so I will never have to face that day.
I am what depression has molded me to be and without it I am nothing but my bones and blood.

"It gets better"
"You'll be fine"
"This too shall pass"
I've heard It all and the list doesn't end, but that they don't tell you is:
it's not true

And maybe Its not true because their pain was different
Or maybe they didn't have pain at all
But for you to look me in the eyes and tell me "Children in dying in Africa" like I don't know that
And for some reason that's supposed to make the pain infused in my veins, pulsing through every inch of me just go away?
Because it didn't.
And does that make me an awful person? To know there are those less fortunate then I but I still continue to rot from the inside?
I may not know their pain but I know what pain feels like.

I come from a broken home, substances being abused.
Angry words thrown around like snow ***** on a cold winter night.
It was like our family was on maximum volume but I couldn't find the mute button.
My personal items were sold for my brothers drug addictions and I was blamed for not hiding it well.enough.
My fathers girlfriend refused to let me see him yet I continued to plaster a smile on my face because it's what you all wanted to see.
Ans then I lost the only thing that made me feel again. My lover committed suicide.
The only parts in me living died and I was lost.

And then I'm forces to go to school with kids who's life ends three times a week.
Because the wrong boy asked them to prom or they didn't get backstage passes to their favourite band.
And still I expected to be happy and I'm selfish if I'm not.
Well then call me selfish.
Because I refuse to lie to myself.
This world Is a **** hole that we all gave into.
We marry to get divorced and we have kids That will ultimately hate us. We buy by things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people we dont like and for what?
And understanding this all I'm still expected to smile and accept what has happened.
I don't think we get cancer to learn life lessons
Or that people die young because god needs another angel
Because thats excuses for why our world is a mess
And I wish I could be like you all and follow these excuses aswell but I can't.
I see the truth and that what will **** me.

So here it goes, a message to the lord
A man whom I've talked to few times before
Although I never really believed in him, the thought was quite hysterical
Until the day I needed a miracle

They say you're the man I need to befriend
To change my life and give my torn heart a mend
And so I hear your power Is greater then we can ever know
I challenge you to let your powers be shown

I was in love you see and he was only sixteen
He had a troubled mind and he struggled every night
I told him that I loved him and that this pain wasn't sempiternal
But he did something that was said to be eternal

He took his life, his spirit sent away
To another thought in time and space
This is where you come in; just hear me out
Let me tell you what this really is about

He saved me every night so why couldn't I just this one time
It didn't have to be this way; grant me the grandest favour of giving back his life
I promise to never sin or disobey your words
If you are true, show me my voice is heard

I know there's other in need but lord you don't understand
That boy was the biggest part of me, he made me who I am
Without him I have nothing, he was all I had
Tell me great one, can you bring him back?

It's a lot to ask, I realize this but I'll give you all I have
I'll be what you want me to be, no questions asked
If you're real don't letter me suffer or drown in sin
Bring him back and let him be what he should have been

The choice Is yours but I beg of you, think well and long
I'll be your humble servant if you cant prove this theory wrong
You're all I have to turn to, my last bit of hope
Please don't leave me on this earth rotting alone

If you don't accept my offer I must warn you there will be
Another angel at your gates waiting for you to meet
So it's up to you, but just know if you decline
I'll be joining him, for I promised I'd never leave his side

I wanted to fall from a tree with a noose tightly hugging my neck
Because there were things haunting me that I couldn't forget
But you came out of no where and surrounded me with love
You saved me from the pain I was constantly thinking of

Months passed and you continued to kiss the scars that were engraved in my skin
Suddenly it didn't seem so impossible to be happy again
You promised me you'd never leave and that you'd always keep me safe
You told me that you loved me and I told you just the same

One night the phone rang; first your parents then the police
And for the first time in years I dropped down to my knees
Prayed to a god that I was sure didn't exist
I needed you to be safe and I was desperate

With a few hours of sleep I woke up to hear my dad on the phone whispering "oh god"
And suddenly I knew what had went on
I fell to my knees again but not to pray
I screamed in agony "you promised you wouldn't leave me"

So for weeks I didn't eat and struggled to sleep
The hospital was my new home and I got pills handed to me
I created more scars in patterns that screamed I was in pain
Because my lover had killed himself in the rain

Its not your fault my dear but I think it's a shame
That I got left worse then I came
I miss you my lover, my saviour, my best friend.
One day soon I'll join you and we'll be together again.