Why am I always so conflicted?
What is this problem with which I am afflicted?
Always so torn up inside...
Can't ever make a straight decision... I just can't decide.
Am I happy or am I sad?
Am I a good girl or bad?
I want to go- but afraid of what the future may hold.
What will happen when my cards unfold?
Fear of what may be
Just will not allow me to be free.

Sweet little baby, mommy loves you so very much.

Our bond is too strong for anyone to dare touch.

Each little kick and movement you make inside me,

Makes me think of when we will be together and how happy we will be.

You have already made me so happy inside.

I know that when you are born I will be filled with so much pride.

My days seem to go by so slow as I wait for that special day.

When you will come and take all my loneliness away.

And now, at the end of the day, as I come into this room where you should be

I miss you..... Irrationally

I remind myself, it is not as if you were ever here, even when you were here

Alone I have been from day one anyway my dear....

So now that you are gone, there is nothing to get used to

and I have only one person to thank for that.... YOU

Remembering You~ young & beautiful / happy & strong

You shouldn't be gone already, this is so wrong

Remembering you~ your smile, your laughter, all the fun we had

Now you are gone & it's just so sad

Remembering you~ so vibrant & so full of life

Remembering you sometimes cuts like a knife

Remembering your signature gorgeous long blonde hair

You should be here enjoying life, this is so unfair

Remembering you day after day, here & there every now & then

Familiar laughter, a smile, shared memories with a friend

You are not forgotten, there are reminders of you everywhere

Each time I see them, I think of you, I miss you, & I think of how this isn't fair

Remembering you & how very hard you fought

Remembering you and just really, really missing you a lot.

I thought of you not only as family, but as a friend and sort of an ally....

Thought you were another sensitive soul in this cold world in which we live...

Yet you stabbed me in the back because it suited you in that moment...

Blood stained hands, your face showed no remorse, shame, or any care....

There was no emotion what-so-ever for that matter....

Immediately, you were cast out of my life

Betcha didn't know that sweet & sensitive me could be so cold & hard did ya?

Well, I have people like you to thank for that little cancer festering inside of me....

Betcha thought I'd act like nothing had ever happened....

Wrong again! It felt good to tell you that I knew what you had done.....

It felt good to tell you I wasn't the two-faced or fake type and I had no intentions of pretending to be friends, you did that long enough for the both of us and it was over.........

With that, you were gone as if you never even existed to begin with & I was over it....

Here we are several months later & I briefly think of reaching out to you....

Nope, because I remind myself you never were the person I thought you were... You are not the caring person I loved.... That person never existed and again, I am over it......

The burden I carry, too heavy to bear...
The pain I endure, what do u care....
My heart is covered in scars.....

Love given & given but never returned
Forgiveness was also given but each time I got burned
My heart is covered in scars......

Dreams stolen away
Toughen up & face each new day
My heart is covered in scars.....

Dying inside

Feelings I just cannot hide

Words whispered to me in secret burned into my soul

These words haunt me now, keep me from feeling whole

The seed of doubt has been sown

In my mind a garden of doubt, hurt, fear & insecurity has grown

My heart is filled with so much love, hope & dreams for you

Not sure how to get my heart & mind on the same page & merge the two

Seems as if my mind is breaking my heart

Those poisonous words whispered tearing me apart

Killing me from the inside out

I wish there were a way to exterminate this doubt....