I collided into a kindred man
his persistence was desired
My curiosity began
my imagination inspired
He asked me if I liked music,
Said he could play, mostly strings
I wonder if he knows my heart has strings
I wonder if he’s that persistent

I’m tired of missing you and how hard it is to tell you that I do
I have this built up illogical fear that your one step away from out of sight.
A dog fears lightning, curled up in a corner
yet a butterfly has no fear of the web its flying into
Fools
I guess fear doesn’t always make sense, it’s still real though
Real enough to make my insides churn anyway

It was my birthday yesterday
and an old lover’s birthday is today, but he died so I there wont be any celebration.
Makes me feel guilty I have such a hard time being alive at times, him being dead and all.
It also reminds me how hard it is to loose someone you care about
And how slowly loosing my grasp on you makes me ache

You are quite literally a drug to me
And when I don’t get you I go insane
I wilt, as quick as a plucked dandelion
and my petals fall and collect at my feet and I watch it and I hate it.
I need my fix, the disgusting addiction that you are
So ****. You.
Because I need you’re your hands all over me and your sweat dripping on my skin from vigorous *** sessions, once, twice, three times a night
and the bruises you make and mark’s you leave behind
Sweet intoxication on my lips
I need to kiss you and be adored by you...

I’m not sure if I’m in love with you
and I’m sorry I said that I was but I was drunk and you felt so good

Last night I told you I was dissatisfied. I might’ve lost you in that moment. Or maybe you lost me.
I’ll try to be alone,
even though I don’t want to be.
Maybe were only together so were not alone
cause being alone *****
Mostly when you don’t have the choice.

Dr., help me for I am your patient
And I’ve grown quite impatient
I need to increase my medication
LOVE
I just don’t get enough of it.

I like to take lonesome strolls through the fog
Pretend it’s a blank canvas
I pretend that I’m not where I am since I can’t see where I'm going and therefore I could be anywhere
So I think up a different life, one where I haven’t failed at the things my heart wanted so
Or feel as though I’ve been plundered barren
Instead, I see colors around me, vibrant
And people around me, unique
Not the washed out Xeroxed copies that bore my vision

Would you call me pompous for thinking that?
Or that it is coarse of me to expect more and to refuse this devoid?
Well I don’t care.

I’ll mislead my mind for a moment, or two, or three…or as long as I can
And pretend I’m impressed by you
That you make me feel like sitting in my dim room with the cold rain outside is like sitting in a meadow with warmth beaming on my skin
And that trusting you and wanting you here is as easy as the smile on my face after waking up from a pleasant dream
Thinking of these things makes it easier to breath for a while

Those are the things I think about when I walk in the fog

But when it clears it’s not as easy to pretend, so I suppose now I’ll try the old fashioned approach, and don’t throw this letter away

*To whom it my concern,

I don’t believe in prayer, so this is not that
I don’t believe in fate, so this is not that either,

Please get me to a place where I don’t fear. Long for. Cry from. Disappoint. Hurt. Want more.  

Yours truly,
Jenny

Legs spread, straddling the topic, and on either side of me is a dangerous fall.
What did you say? I captivate you? You tell me my soft lips and my hard kiss have you thinking of nothing else, my flesh and the way it feels on yours has you forever coming back for more, you love the way we fit, the way we contrast, the way the ink in our skin blends, and when we ourselfs blend were a distinguished shade of gray.
Oh stop, you’re too kind. Blushing babe.
I think its time for a subject change so I’ll dismount, to the left this time because its the side that’s more like following my heart.
I love it when you touch me like that. It’s like you’re feeling every last bit of me, and you like what you feel. Tell me you like what you feel; then again I suppose you don’t need to because I can sense it in the passion. I love this.
In this haze I’ve become malleable, so with every stroke and every word you are redefining my facts of existence, my reality, my subsistence. I'd take this plunge as sure as I'd take my next breath if this is what I could expect. But nights like these are few and far between. So if I’m honest, I’ll tell you I’m resisting this (but I'm not as honest as I should be). Its not black and white, its a distinguished shade of gray. It's us.

I just need for the rain to start
It may be the only way to wash my heart
I’m melting here in this corrosive apartment
(This room cost far too much)
Apart is what is meant.
I’ve got questions spinning around in my head
like a hurricane uplifting nonsense to wound my sanity
Will love always break me?
Why does emptiness feel full?
How can “nothing” consume me?
Will there be flowers left after the storm?
Will there be someone to place them in my hair?
I don’t think it’s healthy to sit on this stool
surrounded by colorless mustard walls
How foolish of me to have lost my way
A way is all a wonderer needs
Away is where I need to be
What is it that took my pride
And my solidity, and my grace, and my height?
And my hands?
No, no more.
I just need for the rain to start
It’s the only way to wash my heart

Awoke last night in the deadest of hours
From a visionless sleep
And in that deadest of hours
I began to weep
Perhaps it was the emptiness of the night
That caused the rivers in my eyes to flow
Perhaps it was my sick heart that decided to explode
But when the blackness I saw was the back of my eyes
And no longer the complete lacking of light
My mind revealed this scene to me:


Standing naked in the mirror
Flickering candles
Dancing shadows
My lover behind me, drawing nearer
Holding me warm, close, tight, safe
A kiss on the back of my neck
A fire inside, I need you
Stay
A sharp knife starts to cut
The kind of sharp not felt at first
My lover worked to filet my flesh
Dripping me hot, red, open, scared
He backed away and watched, repulsed
I wrapped my wounds, a slowing pulse...


Saved from my nightmare
By morning demands
My head knows,
Please help my heart understand