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i'm dreaming of big things
im dreaming of experiencing things with someone in which I care deeply
someone in which I love freely.
not easily
but truly.
i'm dreaming of an indie movie
those scenes where a catchy track is playing
and they're blissfully ignorant to the world
yet so desperately in tune
so deeply holding on
to that moment in time
when not everything was okay
but it felt it
when not everything was fine
but it didn't matter
those moments where you're so close to heaven
you can feel yourself falling.

I don't live for these moments
these moments live for me
so I can remember that heaven
is with you and me.
whoever you are
whoever you may be.
its troublesome still.
is it ever achievable?
in this lifetime,
scarcely.
I wish to attain it
unconditional love
but Im selfish and mostly want it for myself
to lay my head on your lap when I don't feel like being strong anymore
it's hard sometimes in hard times to convince myself its all going to be fine
when it's all so rough
the friction distills
strains.
kills.
it's troublesome still
to not have a place to rest my anxious head.
to rely on a God whom I can't feel
nor touch
even though I know you're there
it's troublesome still.
because I need some sort of touch
a stroke
so as to leave a coded memory
embroidered on my skin
as a constant reminder that
I am
in fact
not alone.
If I imagine for too long
remember to linger
imagine to taste
taste to suffer
i'll only remember you for what we were
and we were never who you were
you're so much more
much more so than I was to you
and we to love
its potential surpassing
any sort of practical comprehension
especially that which emit from us
so, i'm sorry
for being in love
but not loving you.
i could lose myself in you
fully encompass myself
truly engross
hide myself
bathe myself in your scents
tie myself to your memory
tide myself on your shore
grip your thighs
long for more
but longings
only lead to hopings
and dreamings of long before
and long before i've ever dreamed
i knew a name i know no more
Beauty is not how something looks.
It is how something is.
every writer
wishes for profundity in their writing
every writer
wishes that their work
would be the next expression of the ages
the next coalition of words that compiles the dictionary of broken hearts and suffering souls.

maybe that's just me
maybe every time I sit down, inspired, i never have the intellect
wide enough to know the words and expressions to express
the depth that's been suppressed until now
i never know how
i wish i knew how
to script this rupture of repression into words
but it's never as eloquent as i wish
never as accurate as the thickness of emotion that
calmly, yet strongly exudes itself by silently whispering to me
all the mistakes ive made and the scars its edge has
scathed just slightly under my skin.
not enough for you to see it
but always enough for me to feel it

words and poems
are always just a fraction
a tiny little snippet
that hole, that crack in the fence
that gives you a glimpse
of what's really going on
but you'll never truly know
you'll never truly understand
because the words may show you a piece
but they're also the fence
my life has been a big joke
never taken seriously
nor seriously taken
mostly just laughable, memorable
scenes you would place in an indie movie

imagine the most contrived and self absorbed
cinematic extravaganza
that always ends in happily ever after
now in place the high school version of me
and play it on repeat
welcome to my life
as simple plan would say

on my average every day
you could count the amount of times
i think of nothing but myself
only if each was a dot that freckled my skin
only if each was a non perishable in a food donation bin
but in the latter case you wouldn't have enough
and when I realized that
the daunting reality of human depravity
is when God became so much more real
when he slapped me across the face
and blood dripped from my nose
not from the brunt of the blow
but from the hand of the innocent
not just the one who was sent
but the ones who cannot be sent
cannot be moved
and cannot escape
trapped
in someone elses sick idea of prosperity
someone's sick idea of "making it"
the only thing we're "making it"
is someone else's hell
and when God slapped me across the face
he said to me
"LOOK AT MY CHILDREN, MY CHILD!
LOOK AT MY CHILDREN
BEING STACKED AND PILED
LOOK AT MY CHILDREN BEING REJECTED
NEGLECTED
BEAT
HIT
ABANDONED
MY CHILD
I hear their cries
i hear them breaking
their hearts being crushed under the pressure
i see their homes being taken away
i know the depths of darkness they experience
each and every. day.
my children they are suffering
my children they are lost
broken
sprawled out on the floor
being made into each others tool of satisfaction
and that's only a fraction

my children
run to them
not away from yourself
towards me"

that's when I started taking God seriously
the day I realized that this world is too ******* up to be able to even cope

now my life isn't a joke
because my life may be someone else's hope.
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