tell me what keeps you awake at 2 am
whether it’s the girl who took the knife of her absence and stabbed it into your sternum
or the loneliness that swallows your skin

play the one song which releases the floodgates in your eyes
and let me listen to it over and over again
until i find which line makes your heart drop to your stomach

describe the story of your body to me
tell me of the invisible scars too
and with each detail you describe
i will make a map
so i know which road bumps to avoid
or which holy sites to fall to my knees and kiss the ground of

remember that
i wear a mask brimming with self confidence and an armor of words that are both easy to tear for they were thin like tissue to begin with
i am sensitive
taking to hurt the way a sponge absorbs water

do not hide me behind closed doors or keep me entrapped in bed sheets
when you walk past me, do not pull your hood over your head and avert your gaze
i need you to look at my eyes as if they illuminated the entire world
and kiss my lips as if they are what allow you to breathe

open the door.
bring me flowers.
because the only boy who did either was my 5th grade boyfriend

be willing to meet my family and friends
for they were the ones who created the marble statue whom you marvel at today

take note of how my heart is a reflection of myself
how she is too kind and will kiss the same man who tore her in two
so please do not say words which will make her wings flutter
if you are not ready to be the nest she flies to

let me know that me, as myself, i am enough
that i do not need to be a chameleon
dipping myself in new colors each day to please you

remember the little things about me
like how my first phrase i uttered was shut up to a man in an elevator or the delight i take in handwritten letters and mix CDs, or the significance of my first tattoo
because everything about you is being etched into the walls of mind
so that i can never forget

trace your fingers with a loving tenderness over my scars from the times i transformed my body into a crucifix
pinning my hands and feet onto a cross out of habit
thinking love was a word synoymous with self sacrifice

you must learn my language
know what zips my lips into silence
know the difference between when i want to give up versus when i will actually do so
and be there to hold me when the seams start to unravel

if you want me to love you
know that many have tried and failed
that people like me are not meant to be soft
if you want me to love you
know that to me
love is not a word you spit out of your mouth and juggle in your hands
you need to promise that our love won’t be like an hourglass
for my body has been disfgured enough from the times my chest turned inside out from the pang of abadonment
if you want me to love you
reaffirm my body is a kindgom, my heart is the treasure, and that i am your queen
paint pictures for me in what you do and say
telling me i am worthy to be loved, worthy to be kept, and worthy to stay

but if you really want me to fall in love with you
tell me what you see right before you close your eyes at night to fall asleep
and if you tell me it’s me
i will fall unfathomably further for you than i already have

Dear "Dad",
Thank you.
Thank you for sleeping with my mom that night
Thank you cuddling up with her
Making her feel special
For getting under the covers and giving her the pleasure
Thank you because without that night I would have never been

That's the only thing you ever did right

Thank you for letting me expericence an airplane ride
while I was still in the womb
You gave her money to come here to North Carolina
and then you abandoned me, my sis, and my mom
Thank you

Thank you for not sticking around
For not providing anything for us
even back in LA you did the same
Not A cent you gave to support this baby on the way

Thank you.

I now have a Dad, a real Dad one who has always been there
Even though he divorced my mom
He stuck around and he provided
He is my father

I aksed my mom to let me contact you
I want to see the face
Of the man that provided the other chromosomes to make me
I want to see the guy who loves poetry
I want to see the guy who loved to read
I want to know this man
Because apparntly you past these things to me

But the one big reason why I want to meet you
is because I want to show you the guy I became

This boy that never met his father
This boy who gets good grades in school
This guy who has dealt with a lot
Wants to slam in your face A BIG FAT THANK YOU for not being there
For not helping me play soccer
For not helping with my homework
For not being there while I cried over something stupid

THank you "dad" for not being here because if you were I think I would not have become the person I am and I rather die then not be who I am now

A ticket for two, but only one came
Alone in The Big Apple as I arrived by train.
When fate rips your life apart,
sometimes you cant go back to the start,
and thus I entered the concrete jungle of Hell,
as a drop in the ocean, meaningless, unnoticed.
As the lights hit my face in the square of time,
so too my tears hit the floor, and to the world I commit a crime.
A drop falls in the ocean, the day goes by.
Through the stares, the looks, and the glances,
I saw Rockefeller centre and all it's dances,
A drop falls in the ocean, the day goes by.
My body took a walk down Central Park, in it's winter bliss
while my mind drifted off into a kiss,
A drop falls in the ocean, the day goes by
It's true by the way, New York City never sleeps,
I lay awake holding your train ticket I still keep
You left me out in the cold, and with frozen tears I cried,
as I was forced to see our winter dreams come to life,
and die right before my eye.

Two winters past, when our eyes met
I knew from then on our paths were set,
A day, a month, and a year went by, but deep down I somehow always knew,
through all the letters, rejection, and hate,
that this is not 'first love', but the power of two.
But for you 'true love' can so easily die,
it really makes me ponder why?
Ive seen your face in another light,
as you used me to your delight.
You showed me true love,
as the child in me was blinded by the beauty of white doves.
Love is not pure, nor does it cure
It grows and grows until it has what it needs.
Once it's time it knows, and in the next plants it's seed.
We could have ruled the world, you and I
A drop falls in the ocean, the day goes by.

Feed the birds, tuppence a bag.
Or sit with them and enjoy their company,
And people will call you crazy.
Something is better than nothing though.
Somehow they're less flighty than you,
Those other creatures I pursue.

Strange.

They hoo and coo same as you
But I enjoy the lesser amount
Of squawking and discontent.

She fixes her hair, passing before

A ***** glass door—

They see her through pillars of paper

Coffee cups hiding difference of taste

Yet together, her change escapes them

Or remains a treasure, a harvest nourishing

Her reflection smiling with fingers trying

To ripen while reaching, to soften to smooth

To straighten and sooth something that seems

Pleasing.



So the conversation is stopped—a smile

Has arrested, through ruined paper pillars

Of empty coffee cups, broken

Through the pale reflection of her hair,

Tangled in the ***** green tint of glass, glances

Sideways,

Wondering:



Is her smile meant to pierce the door and lay naked

Invitations to rest upon the pauses, the places

Where the conversation is deserted by words?

Or to dance silently back and forth; to remain

Like a jeweled earring or hair tie on her wrist

Orbiting the rushed morning’s hushed

Reminders written alone.



Ah, but for the beating ocean nothing is broken.

Her hair, her braids, never break, never

Break like the tide, on rocks into mist to kiss

The ocean-side air

Like crystal clouds that coat the sky,

That crack and clear and come to call

A bit of blue to splinter through to split the sky’s

            Sheet of grey to shine.

She stares still.

Blank.

Searching, thinking of fixing something shining

Brushed and sharing the sun with the sky.

I read you like a novel
Finishing you in one sitting.
I browse you like a webpage.
Clicking every single link.
I study you like a text book.
Preparing for my final exam.
I feel you like brail.
Comprehending each and every ridge.
I know the tale you have to tell.
It’s written in your face.

So now I stand alone again,
my big red balloon poked with a pin.

But stronger once more
I walk away,

Same old story
a different day.

I was doing so well
I let myself regress,

No more relationships
they all leave a mess.

This need for something
always makes me lose,

I must stand on my own
and never leave my shoes.

I am my own person
I must care for me.

There's no room for love,
strength is the key.

Sick of it all,
sick of the games.
When will I find
the one with the name:
I'll call out forever,
and ever in time.
Only one, I will call mine.
Where has she gone?
Where will I find her?
The ink in my pen
is my reminder.
That true love is true,
true love is near.
As long as I love
and let go of the fear.
Deep, easy breaths:
be calm and reminded.
Love can't be rushed -
you find it, blinded.

Before it became a crush,
we were family friends.
You slipped in and out of my parent's parties.
I saw you only in passing.
We were never introduced...

...formally, that is.
The first time I saw you out of my house
was that night.
The night we first spoke.
You comforted me and
cradled me in your arms.
I was with all my best friends,
but you and I seemed to fit so perfectly.
Some say we took those first steps too quickly.
It wasn't love right away, but I was
intrigued by you and your
sense of warmth.

After nights similar to the first,
I began to think of you a lot.
If a weekend would pass without you in it,
in me,
it was incomplete.
I yearned for your touch
and the way you made my skin prickle.
My lips tingle in the thought of you now.

At the beginning, it was simply fun with you.
Innocent fun with no repercussions.
That is when I learned to love you.
I loved how you didn't have a plan or sense of direction.
You were spontaneous.
I was insecure and fragile, looking for someone,
something,
just like you.
At first, you brought out the best in me,
showed me that when we were together,
I meant something,
and I will always thank you for that.

There were times when I questioned your worth.
Some nights you would engulf me,
take everything of me,
chew me up
and spit me back out.
You never threatened me, or hurt me.
I just loved you so much that I would do anything you said.
Maybe I was angry with you in the morning,
but I always forgave you the next time we were together.
Run up to you and hug you, and you would kiss me twice on each cheek.
Like you always had.
As if nothing had happened.
Somehow promising that tonight would be better.

From that first night to now,
our love affair has been consistent.
I always want you
and your smooth touch.
And even after every time you put me down.
You're always the one to pull me back up.
I've shared so many memories with you,
dark and messy nights,
poetic and spiritual ones too.
Every time I hear your name or
know that you are near,
my eyes widen.
I bite my lip and smile.
I get shaky and anticipate your arrival.

Some people love you superficially.
They are the ones who don't easily forgive.
But you know that I will always love you.
Some will try to tear us apart,
saying that you don't love me back.
That you can't.
They've tried and lost.
Even if I don't directly receive love in return,
the way you make me feel, and act, and cry,
lets me know that you do love me.
You are the only one who can hurt me
as much as you have,
and know that I will always run back into your arms.