I **** my self with

Alien thoughts.

*******

Overthinking...

Lost in a forest.

I’m alive...

Not dead yet.

Alcohol...

My reality is,

Empty,

Grabbing hands with

Insanity.

Which way is out?

All the things..
That happened
To me when I was little;
They broke me
And they made me.
It’s not their fault or mine.
It is what it is,
And through trials
And tribulations
Here I am.
Alone and afraid.
I have a friend
I love.
Queen of lights.
Broken but brilliant.
My morning light.
Burning up inside.
Like the stars,
But different!
That’s what I think of
When I wake up.
So strange.
A thinker...
My maker’s muse.
I’m amazed
Every day.
This is gay...
And she would
Laugh at this.
But here I am!!!!!!
Pitiful and perplexed.
Talking to myself.
Alliteration for
An alien mind.
I’ve died a few times.
I don’t care if die again,
I don’t, Karolina...
I don’t care.

All the things..
That happened
To me when I was little;
They broke me
And they made me.
It’s not their fault or mine.
It is what it is,
And through trials
And tribulations
Here I am.
Alone and afraid.
I have a friend
I love.
Queen of lights.
Broken but brilliant.
My morning light.
Burning up inside.
Like the stars,
But different!
That’s what I think of
When I wake up.
So so strange.
A thinker...
My maker’s muse.
I’m amazed
Every day.
This is gay...
And she would
Laugh at this.
But here I am!!!!!!
Pitiful and perplexed.
Talking to myself.
Alliteration for
An alien mind.
I’ve died a few times.
I don’t care if die again,
I don’t, Karolina...
I don’t care.

What's it like to be
A mad man's muse?
A bad poet's fuse?
Motivation for a maniac?
And what's so special
About all this mess,
All this running around?
The fox and the hound.
The unicorn hunter.
Chasing the rainbow.
Like Don Quixote
And his dragons.
Following a dream.
And we can do this!
Is it better to get there?
And what is this where?
Destination isn't the issue.
It's the trip that matters.
That's what I've heard
From a little bluebird.
The sign says something.
I don't understand.

With these new wings
I will fly beyond
this darkness  
and find new light.
Forget the tunnel.
I'm flying over
that mountain of
misery and heartache.
There, I will find
My trusty unicorn
And we will ride
rainbows and swim
in ocean moonpools.
Together we will
gaze upon the light
and bask in the
glory of truth
Forever...

Oxytocin
She stayed with me the other night.
She slept in my bed
And I held her close.
The comfort of another
Little spoon.
Such sweetness.
I lay there half asleep
In case I fall asleep completely
And awake from a dream
That was never real.
She lights up my mind
And I’m afraid of losing that.
The terror of solitude.
Enough is enough isn’t it?
Wanting more is selfish.
But I do sometimes.
Body bypasses brain.
Broken. Bewildered. Bemused.
Addicted to a feeling?
A chemical process?
Action. Reaction. Repeat.
I just want to laugh and live.
I’m alive and dead inside.
She likes me enough.
But does she love me?
And what do I love?
The comfort of a feeling?

Sehnsucht!
Strangles my
Soul
She
Swims inside
Suffocating me
Sehnsucht!

Your energy could
Power this town.
If only I could
Bottle some up.
I'd peddle it
On the streets
Of this strange city
Where hearts are broken
And dreams are made.
I'd take a shot
Every morning 'cause
Nothing is better
Than sleep except for
Some of that stuff
That exudes from you.
That stuff I'd
Peddle on the streets
Of this strange city.

Wiping away years of dust,
I got something in my eye.
Everything dies...
And we do what we must.
Goodby...
It's not you that makes me cry.
I simply got something in my eye.
And after all this time...

You know when you can’t have something?
And it takes over your soul?
All encompassing.
The world.
That certain sparkle in her eye.
Space and time collide, the light.
Mornings are the worst
Because she sleeps so far from me.
It’s cold and dark but I get up and go.
Do the things and wait till afternoon
When she decides to talk to me,
That’s when I truly wake up.
And the things around me turn interesting.
That’s the “fire”
In all those songs!

Welcome to hell
Bukowski brain
Shut up
Or shut down
I’m in a bar
My bar
Talk to me
But don’t listen
I don’t care
Suffering is inevitable
Go away
She’s mine....
It’s my life
All mine
My bar

It is reliant
on the victim
rather than
the self.
Leeches feeding.
A mere itch.
The vampires kiss.
It feels so safe.
"Why am I so tired?"
Deep Down
Trauma Hounds
They sniff us out.
The emotional ones.
Cooking up a meal.
A little this
and a little that.
And we're right ...
In the mix.

And still...
that dark temptation to
Fight Fire with Fire.
"You are what you eat"
The Beast eats
when we feed it.

What is happening?
Another addiction?
Or a real reaction?
Self defense mechanism?
Bandage for a broken heart?
Some stimulus for a sad soul?
She reminds me of myself.
Before breaking to bits...
After already being broken
By bad breaks
And bad company.
I laugh now...
She’s so snarky.
Hilarious and smart.
What was I thinking?
Who are you?
Where did you come from?
How do you know these things?
Rainbow turns to white.
The light!
This feels alright.
Is my heart healed?
(My head hurts still)
And I’m afraid
This is crazy.
It’s insanity!!!
“Hey, Pretty Lady!”
Deep and dark.
Destroys me.
My mind melts down
(Distracting!!!
******* rainbow!)
Dark queen of lights.
My morning star.
Brilliant and bewildered,
Beautiful angel,
Broken...
Like me.

What is happening?
Another addiction?
Or a real reaction?
Self defense mechanism?
Bandage for a broken heart?
Some stimulus for a sad soul?
She reminds me of myself.
Before breaking to bits...
After already being broken
By bad breaks
And bad company.
I laugh now...
She’s so snarky.
Hilarious and smart.
What was I thinking?
Who are you?
Where did you come from?
How do you know these things?
Rainbow turns to white.
The light!
This feels alright.
Is my heart healed?
(My head hurts still)
And I’m afraid
This is crazy.
It’s insanity!!!
“Hey, Pretty Lady!”
Deep and dark.
Destroys me.
My mind melts down
(Distracting!!!
******* rainbow!)
Dark queen of lights.
My morning star.
Brilliant and bewildered,
Beautiful angel,
Broken...
Like me.

8-1-2018