Welcome to hell
Bukowski brain
Shut up
Or shut down
I’m in a bar
My bar
Talk to me
But don’t listen
I don’t care
Suffering is inevitable
Go away
She’s mine....
It’s my life
All mine
My bar

You know when you can’t have something?
And it takes over your soul?
All encompassing.
The world.
That certain sparkle in her eye.
Space and time collide, the light.
Mornings are the worst
Because she sleeps so far from me.
It’s cold and dark but I get up and go.
Do the things and wait till afternoon
When she decides to talk to me,
That’s when I truly wake up.
And the things around me turn interesting.
That’s the “fire”
In all those songs!

I **** my self with

Alien thoughts.

*******

Overthinking...

Lost in a forest.

I’m alive...

Not dead yet.

Alcohol...

My reality is,

Empty,

Grabbing hands with

Insanity.

Which way is out?

Sehnsucht!
Strangles my
Soul
She
Swims inside
Suffocating me
Sehnsucht!

All the things..
That happened
To me when I was little;
They broke me
And they made me.
It’s not their fault or mine.
It is what it is,
And through trials
And tribulations
Here I am.
Alone and afraid.
I have a friend
I love.
Queen of lights.
Broken but brilliant.
My morning light.
Burning up inside.
Like the stars,
But different!
That’s what I think of
When I wake up.
So strange.
A thinker...
My maker’s muse.
I’m amazed
Every day.
This is gay...
And she would
Laugh at this.
But here I am!!!!!!
Pitiful and perplexed.
Talking to myself.
Alliteration for
An alien mind.
I’ve died a few times.
I don’t care if die again,
I don’t, Karolina...
I don’t care.

What is happening?
Another addiction?
Or a real reaction?
Self defense mechanism?
Bandage for a broken heart?
Some stimulus for a sad soul?
She reminds me of myself.
Before breaking to bits...
After already being broken
By bad breaks
And bad company.
I laugh now...
She’s so snarky.
Hilarious and smart.
What was I thinking?
Who are you?
Where did you come from?
How do you know these things?
Rainbow turns to white.
The light!
This feels alright.
Is my heart healed?
(My head hurts still)
And I’m afraid
This is crazy.
It’s insanity!!!
“Hey, Pretty Lady!”
Deep and dark.
Destroys me.
My mind melts down
(Distracting!!!
******* rainbow!)
Dark queen of lights.
My morning star.
Brilliant and bewildered,
Beautiful angel,
Broken...
Like me.

8-1-2018

Oxytocin
She stayed with me the other night.
She slept in my bed
And I held her close.
The comfort of another
Little spoon.
Such sweetness.
I lay there half asleep
In case I fall asleep completely
And awake from a dream
That was never real.
She lights up my mind
And I’m afraid of losing that.
The terror of solitude.
Enough is enough isn’t it?
Wanting more is selfish.
But I do sometimes.
Body bypasses brain.
Broken. Bewildered. Bemused.
Addicted to a feeling?
A chemical process?
Action. Reaction. Repeat.
I just want to laugh and live.
I’m alive and dead inside.
She likes me enough.
But does she love me?
And what do I love?
The comfort of a feeling?