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Oct 2014 · 286
Untitled
JCkilledme Oct 2014
reading my old poems make me so sad
because it's only been a year
and I feel just as ******
JCkilledme Oct 2014
I'm tired of feeling so alone
I give and I give and I give and I give
And all I hope for is 75 back.
And I can't even get 25.
I'm tired of constantly feeling used
Friendship, relationship, family.
people are only around when it benefits them
So I guess I've figured out my purpose in life
Nov 2013 · 448
Untitled
JCkilledme Nov 2013
still craving happiness
still craving excitement
im happy with myself
im just not happy with the things that are around me
Nov 2013 · 571
maybe
JCkilledme Nov 2013
yes
(maybe) i do want to **** myself

yes
(maybe) i hesitate
because I’m too scared

yes
(maybe) i’m too scared
of the pain it might cause (me)

but
(maybe) it’ll be less painful
than feeling like a disappointment all the time

(maybe) a little scar on my wrist
might be prettier than my…
Nov 2013 · 776
Untitled
JCkilledme Nov 2013
you miss childhood so much you try dressing like you would if you were seven again.
sneakers and frilly socks.
big t-shirts and messy hair, because you’ve stopped caring about perfect hair.
you don’t mind getting your knees ***** or scabs on your shins.
those pains don’t make you flinch.
those pains don’t talk to you at night.
those pains don’t hurt like the hurt you’ve really felt.
the type of hurt that can’t be pin pointed or fixed with copious amounts of Neosporin.
you don’t worry about how you’ll feel in the morning until the morning comes.
you bite the skin off the tips of your fingers like your aiming for the bone.
because the stress and pain hits you bone deep.
bone deep.
its almost romantic sounding.
but isn’t being so broken such a romantic thing anymore?
sad music doesn’t even phase you.
its all you know. instrumentals lined with tiny violins and crying cellos.
you lay back in the grass and close your eyes. you try forgetting about the city surrounding you. the heat rises from the pavement and grips your lungs like my hands grip the small of your neck. the sun beats down on you like you owe it money.
but you don’t sweat.
this is the small stuff.
ice coffee and a bagel with cream cheese.
start your day happy.
fall apart at the end.
repeat. things get better.
then they get worse.
three months of total bliss for three months of total ****.
thats the way life works right?
it always gets better though.
be still.
Oct 2013 · 563
dancing with the devil
JCkilledme Oct 2013
Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to dance with you again.
Oct 2013 · 372
am i asking for too much?
JCkilledme Oct 2013
I just want to feel special
I want to feel wanted

but  I feel neither.
Oct 2013 · 1.2k
Achieved goal.
JCkilledme Oct 2013
I've been trying to figure out how to say this,
but it's really surprising ....
this feeling.
It's actually kind of,
exhilarating .




*I fell back in love with *myself today.
Oct 2013 · 356
stop
JCkilledme Oct 2013
I don't like the memories
because the tears come out so easily,
       and once again i break my promise.
                    the promises i make to myself.
         its a constant battle
                            a war between
remembering                      and forgetting
Oct 2013 · 411
thricefaced
JCkilledme Oct 2013
The Japanese say you have three faces.
The first face, you show to the world.
The second face, you show to your close friends, and your family.
The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are.
Oct 2013 · 752
experiences.
JCkilledme Oct 2013
Do not make homes out of people. it will only leave you
constantly homesick, sad & needy.
Oct 2013 · 348
...
JCkilledme Oct 2013
...
I eat, I have clothes, I have a house, I read.
i read about people around the world who survive on less than a dollar a day.
i read about how there are hundreds of millions of widows living in poverty.
i see ads for kids who are born with ragged lips and jagged teeth.
i don't have anything like that.
i just wake up with a deep hatred of myself.
how selfish is that?
Oct 2013 · 771
imaginary sweets.
JCkilledme Oct 2013
Having one of those days again
when i miss your sweet words
and that sweet touch
its too bad that you were not real
but hey, it was real to me
at least in my mind it was
my imaginary love
my imaginary sweet
come back to me as reality.

its one of those nights
when i need you most
holding me in your arms.
and i try to make you reality
but all i get is a crazy look.
i try
i try
i really do
so i guess ill wait,
a few years more for you
with my heart torn apart.
just know, ill be the best i can
with all these broken pieces,
of my rejected hand.
Oct 2013 · 431
5/20/13
JCkilledme Oct 2013
I will not be a victim of my own head.
put myself down when i stand infront of a mirror
sadness is not my favorite shirt.
even if i wear it often
but this year,
this year i will take it off
and hang it in the closet
along with all my other skeletons
summers are for tube tops, not long sleeved shirts to hide my scars
happiness is not tequila and love is not having *** every other day.
crying wont make me weak
cutting wont make me strong.
even though somedays may feel like razor blades
they aren't j.
please try to live again.
Oct 2013 · 384
promises.
JCkilledme Oct 2013
Last night was said to be the coldest nights where i live.
we always hope there will be magic on new years eve, and expect clean slates when the clock chimes twelve.
but we will never get that new beginning.
Most of the time cold nostalgia will wrap around us like a shawl that not only keeps us warm, but burns our bodies with their heart.
New years are for more promises.
so im going to promise myself
that ill be better.
it'll be better.
i deserve better.
everything will get better.
take a breath, and focus on those promises j.
12/10/12.
Oct 2013 · 373
who is to blame?
JCkilledme Oct 2013
i think thats why i became so ugly,
i was bitter.
because i gave everyone all the good in me
and they took it
and ran with it...
and just left me....
left the bad in me
and that over took me.
it swallowed me whole.

but i have no one to blame, but myself.
the ones who've hurt me,
took a piece of me,
they did.
*but i let them.
Oct 2013 · 513
dear joel
JCkilledme Oct 2013
I hate myself.

you were such a lovely boy,
good heart, and good intentions
and im sorry i destroyed that.
i am soooooo sorry i destroyed that
no words can amount up to how sorry i truly am.

you did not deserve the treatment i was giving you
and you do not deserve the broken heart you have now.

i watch you from time to time
to see the gray in your skin, and the pout in your lips
and to think,
thats what i did.
but i warned you
i warned you that i was not okay
and you insisted.
you tried to mend my broken heart
while i slowly sliced yours apart
and you hated jonnie for what he did to me
so should i hate myself for what i did to you?

dont answer that

because i already did.
Oct 2013 · 1.7k
selfishness.
JCkilledme Oct 2013
I dont know if i was forcing feelings
or if i shouldve fought to hold onto the ones i had
or what
but in the midst of whatever IT was
I lost you,
and im sorry it took me so long to realize
that you had feelings
just like i do.
and i ignored them,
to benefit myself.
just like you did
to me


im sorry jonnie
Oct 2013 · 619
starving
JCkilledme Oct 2013
i see everyone else, and i feel like im missing out on this thing in life...
and i don't know what it is, its this feeling, nostalgia almost.
and everyones laughing, cause i dont have it.
*im starving to be happy
Oct 2013 · 441
sick
JCkilledme Oct 2013
my brain is sick

each part, each lobe

decomposing

day by day

my core is infected

with a disease that spreads

rapidly

entwining with the matter

growing like weeds amongst my positive thoughts

this sickness destroys my confidence

my ambitions.

my motivations.

my will.

my dreams are invaded, my spirit is weak

this sickness is rotting me from the core.
Oct 2013 · 522
jc
JCkilledme Oct 2013
jc
I havent stopped saying your name,
Its always patiently waiting on the edge of my lips
and it stings most nights
when i lay under my pillow
trying to find a way to fish you back out of it.
your name reminds me of the bites on my neck
although these dont feel as good
and my duvet still smells like you
that versaace scent.
i havent moved a single thing in my room since the day you left
my window is still wide open
its about 40 degrees out.
i think i forgot the feeling of warmth
something you always brought to me.
your clothes are still on my bed
i always wonder if you want them back

you were never part of my plan
you werent meant to come into my life
yet you still managed to shatter my heart.
Oct 2013 · 613
xo
JCkilledme Oct 2013
xo
Sometimes sadness is an addiction
& im never quite sure if i'm sober.
you drink for the feeling but never for the taste.
and sometimes people leave and things crack and you cant duct tape yourself together.
so you stay, hoping you'll fix yourself one day,
to only end up overdosing.
Oct 2013 · 412
stay
JCkilledme Oct 2013
sometimes i wonder if my sadness is the only thing ive truly ever loved.
at night, i breathe in my loneliness as if it was the sweetest air that could pass my lips.
i remember when i first noticed you getting tired of trying to figure out what was wrong.
and at that, the end of most days you would look for new wounds on my body
for all the times you have let me down
but most of all i remember choking...
choking.....
choking on a word i thought would come out so easily....


*stay
Oct 2013 · 325
just know
JCkilledme Oct 2013
depression ***** more violently than a *** craved maniac
Oct 2013 · 1.1k
Exorcise your demons j
JCkilledme Oct 2013
(i)
cover up all the mirrors in your room.
you may not be perfect but you are ******* beautiful and you are so much more than smoke in the mirror.
you are more than just bones and muscle.
you need to know that you are more than your three dimensional existence.

(ii)
throw away all your knives
and your lighters
i know you think that sometimes you need to cover yourself in artwork made from red ink and pink rubbery skin to remind yourself you can still feel, but remember "the red water of the bathtub cannot change the color of the sea at all".

(iii)
Eat.
your body is a temple, not an abandoned house.
you do not get to starve it of happiness or demolish it with your hatred
you cannot crucify your own skin just because you feel like its getting hard to breathe
stop using the excuse of wanting to be health, or vegan because every time you do that, you're letting your demons win

(iv)
its okay if you go to bed without him
i know you think that you need him to save you
that perhaps he will heal all your wounds
but he won't
sometimes, there is no prince and you need to be your own savior
because sometimes we, are all we have
and that
is completely **okay.
Oct 2013 · 948
burning buildings
JCkilledme Oct 2013
I need you to stop looking at me as if i were a burning building with no windows open.
today when i woke up, i finally broke free
I no longer hear your voice in my ear
or reminisce the memory of your fingertips on my skin.
Lately ive been thinking that all my life has been till now is an empty bed and i am now just buying sheets, blankets, and pillows.
Love, i used to believe you were the best parts of me
but now i realized without you, i am so much better
you no longer have the be afraid that you'll break me
because this time
i'm rebuilding myself
with shatterproof glass and fireproof walls
i know some days i will probably miss you more than breathing and life itself
but it has taken three winters to get here
and i am not turning back
i cant...
Oct 2013 · 297
what is it?
JCkilledme Oct 2013
I bleed to be your drink:
is not the blood of poets, or the ink?
Oct 2013 · 524
I want you
JCkilledme Oct 2013
I want you
at 3 in the morning
when were so busy with getting wasted
fighting our fears
since we stopped fighting each other.
I want you
real, raw and breathing
i want to trace your scars as you tell me their stories
voice shaking, but still proud
I want you
and your loneliest thoughts
your tangled ribs
and your bruised knuckles
i want you
when you're breathing
but barely alive.
Oct 2013 · 710
alive
JCkilledme Oct 2013
im starting to get sick of not feeling alive.
cemeteries are not the only places the dead go
and sometimes your ghosts live in your own backyard
on the days i feel miserable i sit for hours composing my own epitaph
"Here are the remains of a young girl, stopped breathing: age 18"
I know you are getting tired of all my bad days, but please understand
sometimes i need to destroy myself
just
to
feel
alive.
Oct 2013 · 3.7k
self harm
JCkilledme Oct 2013
hope and faith are my most elaborate form of self harm.
the more i hope, the more i die a little inside
because i know in the end of it all
i will only be lead back to my very bestfriend
*disappointment
Oct 2013 · 538
demons
JCkilledme Oct 2013
my demons are my best friend because they dont leave me alone at night,
they cradle me in there wicked sins and kiss me on the forehead when they put me to bed,
they never leave my side,
through the light and especially the dark
they make me
they are me
i am a demon
my body is simply a **disguise
Oct 2013 · 281
i wish i knew
JCkilledme Oct 2013
I dont know where I stand with you
and i dont know what i mean to you
but everytime i think of you
i just wish i was kissing you
and holding you,
caressing your cheek
because you make these long cold days
complete.

— The End —