I'm sorry for every self-destructive thought
I'm sorry that i want to **** my lungs
I'm sorry that he wasn't you
I'm sorry i only know how to deal with pain on my own
I'm sorry i made you love me
i dont deserve a single drop of your love
that seeps through me like an ocean
its waves rocking me to sleep every night
all i can say is
I'm sorry
i say it a thousand times a day
you know this
but i always feel like a thousand and just one more
might be somehow more adequate

bruised eyes
your unsteady hands
my uneasy smile
you look down at the floor
smoke another
then another
picking at scabs
pulling at burn holes
your dead weight
my dead lungs
heavy heart
shuffling feet
cold kisses
hot showers
black coffee
stained teeth
I love you
where's the cigarettes

I like long car rides through the woods while listening to sad songs
I like collar bones
I like songs that romanticize him sleeping with another
I like when his hands shake
I like messy handwriting
I hate being around lots of loud people
I hate when jokes are carried out to long
I don't believe in talking just for the sake of it
It breaks my heart how beautiful humanity is
I'd rather be broke and happy than rich and sad
I like when my fathers drunk because he says all kinds of things I'll never hear him say sober
I hate most shades of green
I cry almost every day
I love Charles Bukowski and F. Scott Fitzgerald
their writing makes me feel alive
I hate the taste of ***
I drink ***** like water
I think I'd still love him with his hands covered in my blood
Pictures of bunnies make me smile
He knows this
I over romanticize the the little habits he has
but they truly are my favorite thing
when I said "I love you" for the first time I thought I meant it
I didn't really mean it until it seemed too inadequate a phrase
I love fresh green grass even though it makes my skin red
I like how clothes smell when they come out of the dryer,
but I hate washing clothes.
I love how my mother is so forgetful,
I hate how she forgets my feelings.
I don't like birds,
but I wish I could fly away.
I hate ignorant people,
I dislike my own ignorance more.
I don't have the patience to read long poems
but I could listen to readings for days
I always stumble over my words when I'm excited.
Green and red are not suitable house colors.
Maybe I'm not as complicated as I feel
I still remember how disappointed he looked that day I broke his heart
I can take others hurting me but I can't hurt others
I like my dad's girlfriend
and not just because she give me alcohol
I drink to **** my insides
I don't see a point in living for a long time
I like angry music
It seems more alive than happy songs
I hate my English teacher but I still think he's brilliant
The Great Gatsby changed my life as much as a work of fiction can
I've only been in love with boys with blue eyes
I only have three best friends
I'm constantly terrified that they hate me
I feel grown up when he holds my hand in his car
The little things he does to impress me make my heart flutter
I love when summer is turning into fall
I've been a parent since the age of three
My mom thinks I internalize other peoples pain until it destroys me
Maybe she's right
I follow about 118 people on twitter
I only know about 30 of them
I've been suicidal since the age of 13
My mother doesn't know
It would break my fathers heart
It breaks my own heart
I compulsively run my fingers through my hair when I'm nervous
He thinks it's cute and laughs
I love his laugh
I can never finish a meal
I hate eating in front of people
I don't believe in god
I did when I was younger
I wish I could sing but I wouldn't want to be a singer
I've never spent the night in the same bed as a boy
I hope he changes that
I try to be sincere
I often fail
I drink too much for my age
But others drink more
I hate when people worry about me
But I don't know how to make them stop
I can't listen to the news without crying
I like raw genuine emotion
I hate absolutes
I always kiss on the first date
I dont believe his promises even though I say I do
My wardrobe consists of blues grays and blacks
I hate where I live but I think that's common
If I lived somewhere else I wouldn't of met him
It makes me angry that my best friend got to kiss him
She's no longer my best friend
I don't like being questioned
Small talk bores me
I don't sleep well
I have vivid dreams about terrible things
There isn't a reason for why I write
Except it feels like there's an animal eating away at my insides when I'm not writing

i can't breathe when i think about you
my heart beats too fast
my lungs collapse
someone once told me that means you're in love
but it just feels like I'm suffocating
why do we associate love with pain?
maybe I'm afraid
you've caused so much hurt before
(and so have i)
i loved you once
and loved is just too similar to love
it scares me
to have loved is painful
to love is worse
and I'm suffocating
just thinking about both

I could string together
intricate words to form
beautiful sentences
all explaining how
the color of your eyes reminds me
of the Arizona sky
or the ocean during a storm
but all I really want
is your heart in my hands
and your lips planted on mine

my parents taught me
that manipulation is a form of love
and keeping yourself hidden is the only way to survive
my first love taught me
that the only way to receive love
is to use your body not your heart or mind
the one i loved most taught me
that you have to give everything
until you are nothing
my best friend taught me
that perfection is more important than beauty
and sometimes you have to cheat to get what you want
the one who loved me most taught me
that people are intricate beings and you never really know someone
and *** and love can't exist together
so now
i love the ones who manipulate me
i keep myself hidden
i use my body not my mind
i **** in my stomach and only eat when people are watching
and have *** with strangers