I have a mouth full of words
Eating away the inside of my voice
Rotting my vocal cords
You ever wonder what silence really
Sounds like ?
Mom tells me not to talk about it
Reruns of her favorite show have  been on all morning
And the laughter of the audience
Seems as though it was made for us
To play again and again
Repeating the same deadness that has been living with us for years
We've been burying each other for a few months now and each day we learn what it feels like to be front row in a funeral
You were never really invited too
Our black clothes have been fading  since January
The paint has been chipping off the front door since September
My dad stopped by , but didn't come inside
He yelled from his truck
and you wonder why people never come through it
I guess you can say things haven't been the same since he left and took the  "welcome home Matt " with him
It was moms favorite one
She didn't have a place to hide the extra key anymore
So now she keeps the doors unlocked
Things seem safer this way
I know I can leave anytime
But I'm afraid of the mess I am
Of the excuses and sincere apologies
You only find in mailboxes
I swear I'll go one day
before
I become the same one mom started forgetting about

We only have tears here
I'm sorry I showed up a mess but god has always said
"come as you are"
I've been wearing the same shirt for the past 4 days
the last time I made my bed was 2 Sundays ago
You know ,
I misplaced the poems you put under my pillow
before you left You didn't finish the last one you wrote
a metaphor for what love can be when you're not careful with it
The consequences of not keeping consistency
You can't keep letting those flowers die that sit inside your window
Don't act like you're numb to people leaving
I'm not
but it gets easier to pretend I am ,
Tell me what's worse then staring at your own refection and seeing the bags under your eyes only remind you
This is what happens when you never learn to pack light
You get left behind
But it will never make sense to abandon yourself then blame everyone else who leaves
I keep waiting for someone to walk by
to call
And maybe it's because I miss the sound of my voice
Static plays with the music coming from the radio
I think it may be the loneliest piano I've heard
You ever wonder what hands sound like trying to find a place to call home ?
There's nothing but clear sky's here
I wish it would rain some more
The way it did when you stayed
But you left and took everything with you
Almost

How do I know what to do ?
It's been a few weeks since you left
And they say things to me like
There's plenty of fish in the sea or
Don't think about it
But how do I tell that to myself
How do I look My reflection in the mirror and lie
I've already hurt parts of me in ways
God only can tell you
Like I've been going to church
And listening to gospel music
But no amount of holy water will make these fires we started less bitter
I tried to let you go
Finding places I could go
Just to have somewhere to call mine again
You can say I've been this way for a while now
Alone
Still it doesn't make sense as much
That ..
I've been okay with people leaving after you
Leaving things after you
Like goodbye messages
Or voicemails
I haven't stopped listening to you
It's my choice to here how silence is deadly
The same I just wanted to tell yo-
Now every time I call you
I hang up before I finish your sentence

I don't deserve you*
You fight for me like I'm the only blessing worth counting ..
You give your heart to parts of my soul that never believed in love

You show me how god can create more flowers ,after the rain
How not everyone deserves the floods , you rescued me from oceans I've made from different nights and different reasons

You moved so fast
I didn't notice how many puddles you were hiding
I swear I haven't stopped looking behind you since
Somedays you hate that I bring up the past ..
But I can't afford to watch you become it
I tell you about how our lifes will be in the future
For a reason ..

You don't have to keep saying sorry

Regrets run down along my arms
I try covering them up with
Long sleeve shirts , I've made from memory

I can't keep the past behind me,
a week ago I ran into a picture of myself , I've been wondering what my smile has felt like since
I've forgotten those things long ago
Who I use to be , maybe that's  
why I stay up late now trying to remember
But its even worse when you figure it all out
  It gets hard to sleep when you know
Who you are waking up in the morning
A couple of days ago the fireplace lit up something inside of me

Smell of smoke still lingers in the kitchen ,whenever people stop by they ask "have you been trying to set yourself on fire*"
I smile
Wonder if they know what is to become of a child who pretended the second hand smoke was fog and happy endings were over when the coughing started
I layed my happy endings in a coffin long before the lighters started showing up

You expect them to know how easy it is to burn , I want to tell them how I've made ashes of myself
How I don't know if I'm more afraid of being buried or cremated alive

But I smile
And hope it gives them something to believe in ,to remember me by
other then my first name

I'm awoke ?
But everything has been feeling like a dream lately
Or a nightmare that doesn't care if you know you're up in it
I'm greedy ,and this might be why  everything I love has little left after I'm done
I'm sorry
But even at the dinner table I haven't been using manners ,
I haven't been thanking god
But god I've been thinking alot
Why do I keep coming close to dying
My biggest fear is being recarnated
I'm afaird of death
Showing me the ropes all over
My skeleton has been hanging in the same tree as of October
I'm waiting for my backbone to grow in again
Or spine , anything
I know people who pretend they still know how to stand
People with feet that forgot how to pick there selves up
I can't become another soul lost in a world full of them
With bones so heavy gravity won't be the reason you suffocate this time

"Okay ."
Let's stay here then ,like in this bed
Even if the world doesn't know we exist
At least ... At least these covers do ..
You know your voice makes this easier , don't cry anymore you can't ..let these things get to you ,
I mean these things get to you and I break like flood gates seeing you broken ..

I hate for you to see me cry , my mom .. My mom she cried when my sisters dad died , but you should know if  anyone gives second chances its god  ,

I tried to make a poem about being happy
They tell me try something different
You sound the same
Do you know how many times I've ..
I've had that same conversation
With myself
You know what happiness is ..right ?
give them a show!
..
I write when I don't know what happiness is
Understand I know I sound the same
I've been listening to these parts of my self
All night
You don't Understand how I'd tried to stop playing the same violen
But the sound keeps me calm
Even if it gets old , go ahead
Just listen
I don't want to make you laugh
I'm sorry
But parts of me are to numb to pain
To heavy
For entertainment
I'm a one man circus
You keep coming to these shows
On days I leave myself dissapointed

I brought you your own words back
Gave you the imprints
Of your sentences you carelessly left
On the tip of my nails
My fingerprints with missing
The same day I went to find the outline of my hand
I've never been good at tracing and drawing anyways
How the word artist only reminds me to let go because
Painting only hang on to walls
The last nightmare
I remember being in a gallery
People were everywhere
And my heart was on display
While the sunlight was so desperately
Trying to feel in the empty spaces
On the wall of my empty house
So desperately wanting to fill full again .. Tired
Of everyone leaving
Their furniture behind
With the windows open wide
Door locked
key still under the mat
In case anyone remembered
To come home safe
Even if its where the heart breaks
Sometimes I get tired of the way my heartbreaks
How come you didn't take your shoes off at the door
I keep telling people their foot prints are not mine
Stop leaving them behind
I try to stop following them
But I don't worry to much
Cause they end at the sidewalk
And I never cross the street anyway

I've been showing up in empty seats reservated for two lately I've been looking for reasons to show up at my own dinner table as empty as the living room lately I've been trying to iron my shadow out of my sweatshirt in the morning I won't ever understand how some people can leave it wrinkled on their sleeve and let their heart hang its self with their ***** laundry see my heart has learn to sufficate even I wonder what its breath sounded like before it new plastic bags existed , I've been asking god , how many purple flowers grow in heaven and how they learned to live without oxygen , you know hope is a lot like air it gets hard for me to breath some nights sometimes I feel my lungs collapsing with all the prayers Ive been letting rest on my chest , like condolences left on graveyard tombstones I  wiped the dirt off of someone's name and finally thought of my own , I don't know why you thought I would forget yours if all I've been doing was finding ways to put it in all these poems hoping you wouldn't notice , the worst part is writing about you , I keep drowning myself in waterfalls you made for me cause they always look beautiful from a distance , I went looking for you inside of them and you weren't even there but the kind of artist you were rubbed off on me now everyone's wondering why my poems sound like sad love songs or letters written that start sounding like desperate phone calls after you get use to leaving voicemails even apologizes apologize for not sounding to sincere , I know your "sorrys" are just as bitter as my forgiveness and the taste of your name can't even stomach its self anymore ,

The smell of smoke and the way my bones  ..
My bones act like burning branches or ..bridges
I tend to abandon places that remind me of myself and people
only call to ask where I've been at lately... we showed up late to church until we didn't show up anymore I've been looking for god ever since , and I do this thing where I hold my hands to tight together when I pray at night
I've been letting go , I promise ..
I don't even ask dad to call when he has a chance
...he still writes me letters
And after I read them I notice they're stained with his tears .. Or maybe min-"or maybe I'll be home soon "
"Why don't you ever write to me ? "
... Dad the same reason it gets hard to talk to god sometimes
  I promise you I won't forget you exist though , I'm sorry ..
For being selfish but I've learned to love people the way you did ,

Its funny you told me I sound a lot like mom now and I don't know if you heard her tears caught in the back of my throat ..dad I sound a lot like home