i find it insane
how our bodies do things without
our permission
like when you touch me
my heartbeat quickens
and when you look at me
my hands start sweating
and i do not know
why this happens
but when you look at my eyes
and you say that the sky is blue
my fingers tremble to capture you
and to trace the way your lips move
to sculpt your face
with my hands
and write about the way your tongue rolls
on certain words
and describe your gentle eyes
with syllables that i cannot pronounce
without attempting to copy you
and my legs shake when we walk
because the way you talk
makes me believe you
and i doubt anything you say is true
but i can't exactly control what i do
and trust me i am a feather on a big wing
i am a simple ripple in a massive wave
but i love the way your eyes shake
and i love the way your heart quakes
and i love the way you move
when i whisper your name
and you whisper mine
and it feels like we've found a rhythmic tide
and it feels like i can finally
capture something that exists
on more than the inside of my gut
and i feel like
i can finally dig myself out of this rut
and your hand will be there to pull me up
but
i doubt you understand
and frankly i don't at all
but once upon a time someone
said i would fall
and i suppose they didn't mean literally
and i should have known
you wouldn't be there
to catch me
but with eyes like crystals
i trick myself into seeing through you
and seeing into you
and i want to move you
the way you throw my mind
like i am a doll soaked in ink
like i am not what you thought i was
explain to me how to fall in love
so i can never fall in love
because the idea that i could
love you unconditionally terrifies me
and i want to hide
inside a novel i wrote
about a girl who could speak
and when she finally needed to
she choked
i want to hide behind the words i scream
and i want to find someone new
someone else that i can
whisper their name to
someone else that i can
say i love you to
and yet i find myself screaming at you
screaming for you
and i can't comprehend
why i let you in
why i let you see parts of me
that i do not even know
and i want to know
why i believed in you
why i trusted you
why i felt for you
why i hurt for you
why i cared for you
you showed me something
i could never see and yet
i wish i had never met you
i wish i could unsee all of these things
and unsay all of these words
i wish i could lie and say it didn't hurt
i hope one day you will hurt
but i cannot wish pain upon someone
who hurts so badly
you walk so sadly
i wish i could give you love
i wish i could give you infinite joy
but alas, you can only see
what is in your fingers
right before it turns into someone else's sight
someone else's light
and i cannot comprehend
why i ever thought i could be yours.

9/26/17

the world is dead
silent and
dead
and i sit alone
silent and dead
my hands turn
red
my face burns
red
my eyes stained
red
the people i thought knew me
are black and dead
silent
cold
fold me in half
crumble me away
burn my skin
like you do every day
i do not know
why i thought this was the way
i do not know
why i thought this was right
you had given me gifts
and i was filled with delight
until i saw them in illuminating light
they were bones
each of my fears
carved in the white
starved in my sight
summer was in full bloom
and i sat in a room
a tomb
burning with red
everything
silent and dead
quietness bled
into my ears
and it sang anxiously
heavy breaths
my hands shook
took me underground
away from sound
but it did not matter
for the world
was already dead
silent and dead
screaming red
screaming to be fed
nostalgia of life overwhelms me
and i see your face
laughing in mine
as we seal a final kiss
that i didn't want
to be the last time
and i know you regret me
i know you wish you
could have stepped away
from insanity
but what is love
without insanity
what is a kiss
without the passion
of crazy
crazy for you
crazy for me
bless our hearts
we were caught in the
chaos of sanity
stolen by the crashing waves
of insanity
and i remember being alive
oh you and i
so alive
so in tune
with the gentle steps
our racing feet took
it was all surreal
so real
yet i waited
for the earthquakes to shake us
for the world to rearrange us
but i took the step
took that fatal leap
to show us how real
we were
how pain could feel
when neither of us wanted
it to end
but i needed reality
as you meandered in a fantasy
regret this
regret me
regret us
regret that final kiss
regret everything
consider making me
or breaking me
consider loving me
or hating me
consider stealing me
or losing me
consider loving me
for me
but i know that is not real
but a mere fantasy
collect my heart in a pocket
where you hold many
and all of them
are silent and dead
silence is red
my heart bears a heavy stone
and i know it is your heart
that i hold
and i wonder
why am i not
silent
why am i not dead
why must i only burn
       -
agonizing
atomic
delusional
i am delusional
lost in this thought
seeing you burning beside me
red
everything is red
the green of old firs
burns red
and no
no it is not fire that i see
no it is not sunlight that i see
for even the sun
agonizingly red
hope that one day
we shall not burn
silent and dead
terrified and red
catastrophe follows me
like a lost child
yet catastrophe is solely
silent and dead
regret me
please before i think too much
too soon
i would like to know
if love
is silent
is dead
is love
red

silly girl
you thought you could escape me
me?
i made you
created you
sculpted you from a
grain of sand
and you thought you could escape
run away as
though i could not catch
you inside of the palm
of my hand?
you truly thought
that choking down
a jagged pill
would leave me dead within
the depths of
a dark pool of blood?
i hate to break it to
you
you poor infant little girl
you were wrong
i will come back tenfold strong
breaking through every
boarded door
an army could not shoot me down
could not keep me from what is mine
you are nothing without me
you will never amount to
anything
if you leave me
do not leave me
please don't leave me
i love you
i love you so, so much
do not leave me
i would hate to harm you
but if you tried
i would have to
and my dear
you tried
i have to do this
so you never leave me again
don't you ever leave me again
i made you
you know this
and it sits within
your heart
it leaps beyond your soul
it chains you
and you know this
you are mine
and no amount of pills
or drugs
will ever change that
i will never leave
and if you do escape
i will find you
and you will endure
the world of wrath
i have set away for you
and only you
do not run again my love
for you know not
what you are running from.

cigarette stained sheets
and you see the burns on my bed
i bet to you
you find me weak
bleak
boring
and believe me i am all
of those things
i cannot deal
cannot feel
and when i do
it is but a ruse to you
and it's been a while
since i looked up to you
been a while since i cared about you
and all of this ****
it why you look down on me
you look at me like
grass stained knees
you would rather bleach away
than live with
and i ask you to bleach me away
because i have bleached you away
you are but a memory
i look at in the eyes every morning
but a song that skips
on every time it plays
and i cannot write
i cannot do anything
i am too stuck in a flood
to find dry paper
to sketch a lifeless life onto
i am too drunk on beer i stole from you
and i find it only fair
because i cannot finish this poem
this poem is a lost cause
much like you
i don't have anything to say
i don't have anything to say
other than i hate you
i hate that i still love you
i hate that no matter how hard i try
i cannot hate monsters
i cannot hate you
i cannot hate anyone
i cannot hate anything
because no matter how hard i try
i am but a dying artist
and i find love in everything
and i wish i didn't
i don't know how i do
after being raised by you
a hateful man
who does not know any love other
than a love for an addiction
and maybe that's why i cannot hate
i am addicted to love
i am sorry dad

i am a lot of things
to you
i may read as an
amateur poet
perfecting her art
to my parents i am
their failure
their too much and not enough
their daughter who acts
their "why do you fake everything?"
their "why don't you sing anymore?"
their "how long have you been smoking ****?"
their "i'm disappointed in you"
their "i knew you were going to be a ****"
their "bisexuality is *******
why is everything with you for attention?"
their "why can't you be perfect like your brother?"
their "pretend you're happy or cry in your room"
their "cry in your pillow i don't want to hear that"
their "why must you fake every ******* thing?
if you want to act audition for plays
i don't want your ******* in my house"
but i only fake happy
the joy that lights my face
everywhere but my hollow
eyes
and you see, they are only hollow
and dark
because i walk the shadows
with my left foot stretching out
in front of me
i've walked the shadows my whole life
with a cane on my back
and blood etched into my chest
you see i
am a **** victim
there i said it
what i've denied for so long
in hopes that i could be strong
and carry on
and just get over it
like i was told i should
but i cannot trust anyone
or anything
because he always said
my 9 and 10 and 11
year old body
was appeasing
so what do i do now
now that i am a young woman
who's growing into these
"great things" he always said i had
but i never had
not then
and i know you will hurt
me too
i know you will hurt
me too
but maybe this is just a
nightmare
perhaps i am a butterfly
and my PTSD is just a jar
or could it be that i am
not real was never
real
because i do not feel
real
i shrink from my own skin
because your handprints are still there
i am a walking skeleton
afraid of having a body
yet i yearn to have a body
but i only wish
you did not have eyes
god do i hate the fact that men can see me
because i can see the despicable things
that rack their lustful vision
tear my feathers
clip my wings
pour bleach on them
make sure it stings
2 years later
not a second goes by that
i did not eye
every suspicious man
who followed me when i walked
and i started to get over it
it wouldn't happen again
i repeated
every
single night before my eyes closed
and you stomped through my dreams
cutting all of my seams
i was 13
the day he offered me a drink
and some ****
and of course i obliged
because i know him
i know him
i see him every day
and his flesh is plenty real
he is real
and i wonder
if he stole my real
when he stole everything else
i drank until the bottom of the bottle
looked like a pool of blood
i could sink into
i smoked until my throat
was black and charred
like all of my unworthy pieces
burnt until they are ash
he told me
words i can never scrape out of my ears
out of my head
i want them out of my head
they are pills i digested
that stuck to my kidney
my body never forgave me
"i am only here
to get you drunk and *******
but i'm not doing that this time"
and now i live in constant fear
*** you a cigarette and a light
so i don't have to hear
your voice crackle like a fire
that burns too high
it scalds me
i am a lot of things
and i do believe
that weak
is not one of them.

i am the elephant
on the couch that
nobody wants to confront
i am the lipstick stain
on an unwashed shot glass that
reminds you of your first love
i am the smell of cigarettes and singed hair and bleach and ***** vomits
on an indigo floor tile that
you don't want to clean up-
you like the smell too much
i am the sting of poison
on your tongue that
drifts down your leather studded throat
i am the spiderweb scars
on your skin-drawn with such a delicacy to detail-that
makes you crawl back to me
i am the echoes in the caves
on your broken record mind that
you love with a burning desire to hate
i am la fin
on your favorite movie that
you want to live inside
i am the nightmare
on the left side of your bed that
you seek for companionship in
i am the bad ideas
or the good ideas
i am the everything
or the nothing
i am the end
or the beginning
i am the hope
or the violence
i am the last love
or the first
i am the possibilities
or the infeasibilities
i am the predicament
or the solution
or just you
and you,
you want all of it
or none of it
what a dilemma.