I sit by the window
overlooking a pretty garden
the laptop screen and I
awashed in the 
dull afternoon golden glow

No furrowed eyebrows
no taut forehead
no teeth clenched
no walking on eggshells
no crying

you're finally gone.

Glorious low-hung autumnal sun.
Sunlight captured
in the halo of  my dandelion puff.

Sitting in the backseat of the car
suffused with the bonhomie
of a happy little family
I gaze into the rear-view mirror
pleased with my twenty two
year old reflection
Content with the richness
of the moment
I smile to myself and doze off. 
Somnolence exits and the 
nightmare begins unveiling
My world and I spinning together
in a collision of gas disgorging 
metallic machines on wheels
Gyrating out of rhythm
as the toppling subdued
shrieks of raw fear subsided
my family comes out unscathed, 
my head as if dipped in
dull scarlet paint
a forehead ripped apart
blood drops dancing on the lashes
I sit in a daze
processing the shock
with the smell of the blood
and a death that was near
and I say thank you to God.
For honoring the wish
of a ten year old who had prayed
please let it always be
her before them.

You clandestinely waltzed into my life
leavened my moribund nights
lifted me up
with your graceful arcs of gab,
full of bewitching sweet nothings
and swirling soft kisses
you held the vise for my time and
unmitigated attention. 
And I liked making you laugh. 

Happy little period
where we dabbled in
the daily saccharine twaddling. 
The days gave way to nights
and time warped into a honey glob
on declivity, disintegrating gradually
while gravitating. 

The bonhomie finally
fizzled out.
And I wallowed in disbelief 
at your furtive retreat
silly me, cocooned in ingenuity
waited for you to come back
whilst you moon walked 
and cachinnated with the hip chicks. 

Rivulets of tears
fused with cheap dark ***
and months rolled into years
yet no cue of your return.
You moved on and I was still
stuck three years behind. 
Love felt like a prison
where I was serving a life
sentence for your transgressions. 
Doleful eyed, weary of waiting
and heaving dolorous sighs,
nearing nadir. 
It took me a long time to
finally accept defeat
and obliterate the last
shreds of sanguinity.
It took me a long time
to realize that
I cannot chase love.

Countless neon thoughts sprouting
in a bajillionth of a second
whizzing past each other speedily 
like bullets
in every direction 
constructing a matrix
of your vestigial memories
in their wake.
And now I am trapped again.