As a child I did not want my life, because of the pain it gave so raw
I embraced the place of fantasy, and with pencils I would draw
A life I wanted to live in, was so far from what was real
Yet I was told this is your life, turn the cards, it is your deal

As times went on it never changed, yet I managed to survive
I can look back and smile to say, how glad I am, I am alive
It is hard to know, when the turning point did come
But it doesn't really matter, even though at times I feel alone

My life it has changed, in oh so many ways
I no longer count the hours, of those deep depressing days
I just know that I have a future, one which I could never see
I just know that I am happy, to find the "real" in me

Many people have passed through, and I can still feel quite alone
But it doesn't really matter, It doesn't pain me to the bone
I have been presented with new faces, as old one's they stay with me
Its the ever evolving journey, and I know happy I will be

We all have a turning point, in fact we have many in our time
Never close your doors, be open and you will be fine
People they will like you, they may even give you love
I just know my life is turning, as I am free, like a dove

© Jay Taylor (Gautier)

Taking stalk, in some grace
That every thing has a place
A space for this and a space for that
So where's my place in my flat

2 beautiful sons, do they see me here
I hear them, sometimes a tear
For she feels left out as they get a life
But never a lonely little wife

Just a lonely mum who sees
The joy, the happiness and the glee's
that her sons have found their path in life
But never a lonely little wife

They love me strong, that I know
As I hug them hello and cheerio
Some days we don't see each other
But always they think of their mother

I get a glimpse of their eyes
Remember the days that have gone by
When they were never from my side
As we walked the streets, holding hands, with pride

I knew these days would come soon
so i sit alone in my room
I am happy and yes happy not to be
A lonely wife, oh that is not me

A single mum for many years
Shared the joys and wiped the tears
Loved my kids that is true
But singletons feel loneliness too

THE SOUND OF CHILDREN S LAUGHTER ECHOES IN THE PARK
IN THIS DAY AND AGE WE EVEN HEAR IT LATE AND DARK
CHILDREN SHOULD BE PROTECTED FROM WHAT THE DARK CAN HOLD
NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS THAT’S WHAT I USED TO BE TOLD

WHEN MINE WERE THAT AGE A DISCIPLINE WAS INCURRED
THEY HAD RULES TO BE ADHERED TO A VOICE TO BE HEARD
A WATCHFUL EYE ON THEM WHILST GIVING THEM THE SPACE
A STRANGER IN THE STREET NEVER THEY WOULD EMBRACE

A WEAPON IN THEIR HANDS WAS NEVER A NEEDED THING
SO MANY DIFFERENT ATTITUDES DOES OUR PRESENT CHILDREN BRING
CHILDREN SHOULD BE NURTURED AND GUIDED TILL THEY CAN STAND
ALONE ON THEIR OWN FEET AND ALWAYS BEING AT HAND

NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR KIDS BECAUSE THEY ARE THE PRODUCTION OF YOU
STILL KEEP A DISTANT EYE ON THINGS THAT THEY DO
EVEN AS MY SONS REACH AN ADULT AGE
THEY ARE PART OF MY BOOK JUST ON A DIFFERENT PAGE

WE WERE ONCE THEIR AGE AND WE SHOULD REALLY KNOW
THE PATHS THEY LL TRY TO GO DOWN AND BRAVE FACES THEY WILL SHOW
I KNOW WHEN MY BOYS ARE NEEDING A MOTHER OR A FRIEND
I KNOW WHEN I NEED TO EMBRACE THEM OR MONEY I HAVE TO LEND

I REAP WHAT I HAVE SOWN AND HOW PROUD A PARENT AM I
WHEN THEY HELP YOU REACH FOR THE HEAVENS AND DON'T STOP AT THE SKY
WHEN I HEAR I LOVE YOU MOTHER EACH AND EVERY DAY
THE PRICE OF BEING A YOUNG MUM IS THE BEST PRICE I EVER HAD TO PAY

I MISS MY KIDS ECHOES OF LAUGHTER IN THE PARK
NEVER DID I HEAR THEM OUT PLAYING WHEN IT WAS TOO DARK
I SHOWED THEM PROTECTION IN A DISCIPLINED WAY
TRYING TO BE A GOOD MUM WAS A SMALL PRICE TO PAY

WE DON T HAVE MANY LUXURIES BUT THE LOVE WE HAVE IS STRONG
THE BOND WE HAVE TOGETHER WILL BE THERE EVEN WHEN
I M GONE
I WOULD DIE FOR MY KIDS WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT
ILL PROTECT THEM TILL THE END BECAUSE THEY ARE WHY I FOUGHT.

Ever Changing Journeys

The beginning of life was not much I can remember
But as a child who could forget Christmas in December
My mother she had no money but always did find
Gifts to give me, she truly was kind

But life was not for her, I remember it well
Being a child of fantasy I had to escape from the hell
I took me to places of fairies and elves
Talking trees and miniature dolls who spoke on the shelves

She married young, a man who hurt her so much
I do not mean verbally, and never a soft touch
She divorced him then we were just two
She married again, history repeated after I do

That lasted not long as her eyes they were open
She fought back harder, after dreams had been broken
But each fight she fought took the twinkle out her eye
She was a victim of life, that is not a lie

We lived on farms, my escape was the cattle
Never in their families was there such a battle
I remember a time we had to hitch hike from another town
A car pulled up to take us, I entered with a frown

I was scared of this life that was presented to me
Everyone was evil and inflicted pain, so it shall be
I grew up seeing things that adults did do
I never wanted to be one, that much was true

I decided to try stop ageing but my only way was out
Took matters in my own hand, when all I heard was “shout, shout, shout”
A strip of some tablets was the answer for me
That is it I had enough, I am leaving life behind you see

I knew how to harm me as I saw it so much
A packet of tablets would keep me out of touch
Back to the fantasy that I loved so much
I lay on my bed, said goodbye to the land
But nothing was happening I did not understand

I tried to get up but found each time did
Ended up in the toilet, and lifting the lid
Later I realised that that which I took
Were not as harmful as they did look

I was sick for days as I tried to get rid of the effect
But also sick of living, so thought what the heck
Ill try live a bit longer with this thing I have called life
Knowing if I were an adult I did not want to be a wife

I tried several times to end this sordid life
Was not brave enough to try use a knife
Looking back now does nothing as I see it was my path
I have grown to embrace life and keep out the wrath

But I have learned many lessons on this journey you see
All of which have moulded this me
I love for the people I have strength in my mind
Never shall I harm me, for I love to be kind

An ever changing journey is what I love about my life
I laugh with such passion, I know how to handle the trouble and strife
But to be honest I cannot see, the unhappy child that used to be me
My inner child she loves, she lives and she is unique
For she can make sunshine when all is but bleak.

Loving you was the hardest thing to do
Yet I knew I loved you when we met
CB Radio we connected, back then there was no net
1 9 for a copy, and you kicked me back on that

Every opportunity we had, we'd stay up and chat
Even fell asleep whilst listening to you, but never wanted to let go that mike
Didn't think you d really like me, but I remember you for your spike
Think you said I walked funny, then I said its cause I stand tall

Yet each year we were together, you helped me build a bigger brick wall
No longer did I stand tall, as I stooped my head in pain
Each time you left me hurting, I swore It was the last and then

I found out I was pregnant, my baby number two
As you walked out the door, I told you, felt the right thing to do
You said that I was saying this just to keep you by my side
Even though you knew within yourself I had your baby inside

The years they passed, I played happy families, yet inside was in despair
Wanted to run and leave behind the memories that harboured there
Yet I felt I could not live without you, for our family we were four
You tore a bit of me each time you packed and walk out the door

You blamed my depression, yet you help to make it hard
Each time I tried to find help, you'd deal me a dirtier card
Yes, we were very young, yet we lasted 13 years
I even married after ten, even though I was in tears

I never wanted to marry you, I done it for the boys
Wanted a family so bad, yet was the boys who gave me more joys
You never played the dad I wished, was me who played the ball
One day I started to feel stronger, then popped up another brick wall

I realised I was never in love with you, merely holding onto dreams
But I never dreamt this pain, lies and deception, you tore me from the seams
I broke away from you, my fear was my kids minds
You even tried to confuse them, you really were not kind

I built up my own little haven, to keep my boys so safe
A mortgage on minimum wage, from you, a help, yes I did keep faith
Yet you gave me pittance to help to bring them up with needs
Your selfishness and greediness, I swore would never breed

I brought them up realising that things they must earned
Trying hard to make them appreciate, but this had already been learned
They both truly surprised me, they had grown up really quick
As I whispered to them gently, be children, as a lollipop they did lick

We laughed, we cried, we loved, but mostly we all matured in different ways
Isn't it amazing how Karma, in life does play
Happiness lives in our house, no regrets, no looking back
For now I see with me and the boys, we were always top of the pack.

The angels they tell me not to cry but also to cry as hard as I can

They tell me to wash out the pain but to keep some so I know what it is
when I feel it again

They tell me to let my heart bleed for others but also to mend it but not just for one

They tell me to look into the eyes of my lover and take him to heaven but to bring him back again.

Oh my angels can you just tell me when it’s my time to fly

Can you lead me to that heaven and please make me forget how to cry but bring me back

Please also angels when I bleed take my blood, for this blood has run around my soul and has powers within

Give this blood to my loved one s and let them feel the soul I have had to hide for eternity.

Let them feel what it is like to have a soul like mine

Not borrowed, not even pure but its strength has won a million battles, so dear angels I am now one of you with a bleeding soul.

IS THIS NOW MY TIME TO MEND!! OR DO I HAVE TO HIDE MY SOUL FOR ANOTHER ETERNITY WHEN IT WANTS TO NOW BE SHOWN