Today my boyfriend said he loves me
My mother always told me not to say it back if it was something I didn't mean
My father always told boys only say that to get into your jeans
Taylor Swift said a boy would make me feel this way at age 15
I keep thinking about how my life should be
I didn't even want to be with someone until like age 23
But then he came along and showed me a whole new universe I had never seen
He makes me laugh and cry and scream
And I can't help but wonder what three simple words could mean
There is so much I've been told and I don't know what to believe
Three words don't mean anything
I asked him if they did and he said what do they mean to me
I said I didn't know a thing
But if I think about it, I guess it's eggs in the morning when you're hungover from the previous evening
It's being miles away and still not cheating
It's holding hands and PDA and kissing
It's yelling and tears and fighting
It's laughing and it's crying
It's climbing the ladder together, even if there are a ton of steps missing
Maybe it's just listening
Maybe it's everything
Maybe they don't mean anything
Today my boyfriend told me he loves me
I don't love him back
I said I love you too, and it's something I didn't mean
It's not that he isn't good enough..
It's just, the word love isn't big enough to express my feelings
I am enchanted
I am speechless
I am all in, head over heels
Falling down a hill
I am taken back
I am double taking
I am walking on clouds
Words are too small
Actions are too small
The universe is too small
I am too small to be loved.

Today my boyfriend said he is in love with me
I said it back, but it wasn't true.

Watching cartoons on Saturday Morning.
Go outside to play when it's pouring.
Monsters under the bed, lava on the floor.
Monsters in the closet too! Don't open that door!
Quick! It's a race to see who gets the last swing!
Trying to accomplish everything before the microwave hits zero and dings.
Smiling, laughing, you never had to worry,
But you wanted to grow up in such a hurry,
Now that you're old you wish you were young.
You forgot what it's like to just have fun.
You're all grown up and your imagination is gone,
You're too old for games because you know right from wrong,
Too old for ice cream on a special night,
Too old for everything, that's what it feels like.
It all gets to the point where you just want to run,
Run from growing up because growing up isn't fun

You've never said you love me
But I've always thought you did
They say you can tell if a boy is in love
By the look in his eyes
But what does it look like

Is it a sparkle when he shows you his favorite things
Or a warmth when he's staring at you
Is it a chilling feeling
As he gazes into your soul
Or is it nothing like that at all

You and I are like minnesota weather.
Well at least I am,
I'm the storm, that comes around 2 o'clock or so,
Screaming in agony,
Making things fall,
Pounding on the walls,
Because something I onced loved is now gone.
But you are the sun,
That shows up around 4 o'clock or so,
Warming the ground,
Drying my tears
Calming me.
But as soon as you leave
The feelings overwhelm me,
And with no sun to warm my heart
We're back to square one
Restart.

Sometimes your Sun doesn't even work,
And I still rain, even in your presence,
And I'm Lost
Lost in feeling, lost in the thunder and the lightning,
While you struggle to save me, I just run.
I believe I'm insane darling,
But you just happen to hold my sanity in the palm of your hand.

Simon Says
Do not treat your yourself as an object
But do not object when others treat you as one

Simon Says
Do not hurt yourself
But do not react when someone else does

Simon Says
Do not listen to those who say you cannot
But do not show them you can

Simon Says
Be yourself
But only under the cover of being alone

Simon Says
Hold your ground
But bow down when those above you walk by

Simon Says
Your Morals are important
Unless they contradict mine

So remain original
But fit in with the crowd

Society Says

Lately I have been numb
I can never write when I am numb,
and the only logical reason I have for being able to write this is the fact that it's 12 am and im drunk
but I'm still somehow able to spell out my words without constantly messing up
I dont know, maybe its magic..
Or maybe I'm falling apart again
I can write my feelings, I can write emotions, I can spell out the colors of the rainnbow in such intricate detail that you would have to read it over 3 times before you understood what I was talking about
But I wont make you do that.
Some days, I feel as if I could write a story about the way your lips curve into a smile like I've never seen before
Some days I could wrap my legs around you and bury my face it the space where your neck and shoulders meet and just relax into you
Some days I think I could rip myself apart and lay the pieces over all of your puddles to keep your shoes from getting wet,
You see, I am in love with you,
desperatly in love with you
utterly, incredibly in love with oyu.
Im hiding behind bulletproof glass windows, like the ones they have in those cop shows
and I'm staring at the mirror while you stare at me and I'm wondering what the **** is going on
I hate the thought of everyone else standing on the outside and looking in while I fall apart
And the thing is, I have no reason to fall apart,
somethimes when im riding in the car, I look out of the window and I think about killing myself,
sometimes I just tell people that im sad and i dont know why and they call me selfish
but how can i be selfish if I cann't even find myself
I got lost somw=ehwere a long time ago and I thought that I could find myself in a church on a street in a house on upton
I thought I could find myself inside a monk named bhudda, I was told he had the secrets to peace and I wanted them so badly
I though I could find myself in a book, but that only gave me a story for a few days and when I finished I was back to square one again and that kinda **** can really ******* up mentally
I thought I could find myself in a blunt and a bottle but I realized that wasn't for me when I was throwing up in showers, toilets and sinks, while a stranger held my hair back and told me not to think and when I left the bathroom some randm **** asked me if I wanted another drink, before I know it im passed out on the floor and im missing some of my clothes and thats not a good life if there ever was such a thing..
I thought I could find myself in a paintbrush but art gives me more anxiety than ever because my hands won't stop shaking from the numbness
So tonight I'll try to find myself in the bottom of a cheap dollar store wine glass, I'll try to wrap myself around the constant drum of my fingers hitting the keys because nobody seems to believe in paper and pencil anymore and tonight I will love you like I've never loved anything in this entire ******* world before,
because I think that everyone I've ever tried to love before was a fluke,
and like that one song says, they're probably broken roads that lead to you,
I'm waiting for the day I get the courage to leave my mirror and walk out of that gray walled, bullteproof window interrogation room,
The day I can finally look into your eyes and tell you how glad I am to finally meet you and ask you where the *******'ve been.

Oh, don't even bother.
She'll be fine
A girl like her can handle herself

Maybe I can't
Maybe sometimes I ******* fall apart
Maybe my glue just stopped sticking
It's watered down with my tears
Maybe I ran out if tape
I was using it to put my soul back together
Maybe I lost the last bandage
That ***** because I was using it to hide my bruises

Sorry
**I'm not what you expected

Whats the difference between me and a celebrity?
Why is his signature worth more than mine?
Are we not a created equally?
Then why does he deserve a Shrine,
In a teenage girls bedroom.
As if his name is something worth screaming over,
Making all the girls swoon.
Did he get lucky from a four leaf clover?
Because in my eyes he is the same,
Just with more fake friends
That he doesnt even know by name,
Teaching kids they need to get big or its a dead end,
As if being famous is the only thing that matters
Destroying kids dreams, leaving hearts shattered.
So whats the big deal about being a celebrity?
If money replaces family
If public drunkeness is more important than sobriety,
If the only love I could ever recieve
Was someone looking at me through a television screen.

What really ***** is when you're so sad that getting up tomorrow morning feels like it won't happen. When it physically pains you to open your eyes. You feel ******? You dont know the ******* half of it. You dont know what its like to only feel good when you're high or drunk or on the verge of losing your virginity to someone else. You have no ******* idea how it feels to constantly have to SURVIVE. You're never really living because all you can focus on is what you're doing wrong. When your future is so far away, yet so ******* close, when everything you do right now affects that future, its hard. When you actually feel sore throughout your entire body because of how much you cried last night. When you constantly feel numb and shut yourself off from everybody, then you can tell me how ****** it is that your mother loves you and your father cares about who you're with. When you feel how a depressed ,suicidal person feels, you can tell me how sad you are because your parents didn't buy you the car you wanted. But for now, leave me alone.

It's hard to think an anonymous person is more reliable than the one you care for.
An anonymous source, someone to spill your secrets to,
They can't judge because they're here for the same reasons as you.
And yes it's a hard thing to admit,
But the best poems come from the times you feel like ****.
And sometimes that anonymous source is all you got,
Willing to listen to every twisted, ****** up thought.
When the real person's not...
When the real ones gone
So anon is the only thing that keeps you strong
And some might say the fact he's anonymous is creepy.
But I say, all the more reason to express yourself freely.
There is no emotional tie to him
Just the thoughts he allows you to spill onto him.
No pressure because his sole purpose is to listen.
And he's always around
Ready to lift you up when your feeling down
With simple words like "Your writing is neat"
Or saying he thinks your sweet.
there isnt anything wrong with being anonymous,
As long as you don't look too far into it.

I always thought that I climbed high enough to be immune to falling down
But the whole time I wasn't climbing, I was falling and I never realized until I hit the ground
And right now the ground is soft and I'm heavy like a rock
I'm afraid I've broken through, when I never saw the lock
They say when you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up.
But rock bottom hit me 48hours ago and all I can do is stare into the teacup
As I watch everything I've ever known crumble into nothing
I realize that we're all afraid of something
And when that something shows its face and we have no where else to hide
when our arms become too tired and we can no longer fight
when the battles we cannot win have become too much to bear
when something is a-coming and no safety net is there
when the only option left from running from our something is to jump off a cliff
when rock bottom can't be seen, but we see hell in the abyss
when all that's left is nothings left and we don't know what to do
Just know that if you will carry me, I will carry you.

I only like to be looked at through foggy glass windows
Or maybe fun house mirrors
I only like to be touched with clothes on
After all these years
I only like to be looked at
Through finger painted hearts
Because looking through me when I was small
Is seeing me as art
I only like to heard through blurry cassette tapes
So you can't hear demons
Over the sounds of static hate
I only like my soul to be read
Through a written book
Because I can hide the crazy
Between the small cranny's and nooks
I only want to be felt in a painting
Hung on Golden hooks
But nobody knows I'm golden
It's all about the looks
I never want to be seen for who I was made to be
I never want you to know
The Real Me

Following you up the stairs now
Yelling behind, in your ear
He's nobody, Nothing
You are never to see him again
But thats not fair
You don't see him like I do
You don't see his dreams
His ambition for doing things
He loves

Standing in your door now
YOU HEARD ME
I'll **** him
He only wants one thing and you won't be the one to let him have it
But have you seen his smile
The way he looks at me
I don't see Lust, which is all too familiar
But instead love

Fists raised now
Guess I'll have a chat with him then
DONT LEAVE THIS HOUSE
Already gone
But he did nothing wrong
A simple date turned into much more
Where did we go wrong
What did we do wrong

I'm sorry for tearing everyone apart.

Little kids are the ones who always ask,
Where did you get those scars?
"My cat scratched me"
Is my favorite reply
They look puzzled at first
As if they're wondering how the cat scratched me
With such straight lines.
I don't have the heart to say I'm lying.
Then they smile and walk away
Going about they're merry day.

The other day in therapy we talked about my fears.
She asked me why I was afraid of the dark.
At the time I didn't know, I've always been ,
But I've given it some thought and I've noticed
The dark holds untold secrets
It is something you cannot run from
When it comes, it is usually unexpected
And it envelopes you
Until you become enclosed in everything else you're afraid of
The dark holds your freedom
And refuses to return it to you
At night dark becomes powerful
Because there is no escape
No amount of light is bright enough to ***** out the dark.
The dark holds you
In an intricate web of danger and exposure to things unseen
Worst of all,
The dark holds me
And I, do not enjoy being held by things.

Take a brick
For every time someone beat you
Break a window with each one
You'll feel better, I promise

Take a match
For every scream they threw into your ears
Burn the words into dust at your feet
You'll feel better, I promise

Take a breath
For the bubbling anger inside your soul
Count to 15
You'll feel better, I promise

Take a bandage
For every broken heart
Wrap it carefully, it will heal and
You'll feel better, I promise

Take a smile
For every sad day
Wear it always like the clothes on your back
You'll feel better, I promise

Take a secret
For every one you've kept
Lets do a trade, take mine I'll take yours
You'll feel better, I promise

Take my heart
For every time you feel unloved
Don't forget the key
Read it and cherish every last drop of love
You'll feel better, I promise

Most of the time daddy 'ain't there
Momma don't seem to care
Your friends just wanna bash
You wanna run away but you're outta cash
Baby, don't collapse
Your almost there, don't crash
I know it's all happening real fast
Search for God's hand to clasp
Find a better way to cope
Stop smokin' all that dope
Find a reality that's easier to grasp

We each take a hit
1, 2, 3,
Breathe.
How do you feel?
Lifted
Faded
Gone
High
Better...
Better?
Yeah, better.
Another hit
3, 2, 1,
Breathe
How do you feel?
Higher
Smile
Nothing to worry about.
Giggle
At the smallest things
Life feels like a dream
Tingles
Across my legs
Sweet tastes in my mouth
Heightened sense
One more hit
1, 2, 3
Choke
How do you feel?
Sick
Depressed
Angry
Sad
How do I look?
Dead

Such a big girl now
Almost 9 years old
You're starting to notice
That the world can be cold
And you're running out of blankets
But the wind doesn't stop
You're starting to see
That pouring rain can come from just one drop

Such a big girl now
Almost 9 years young
Still enjoying life
Still having fun
But mum's always gone
And dad can only be reached by phone
You're doing your best to remain calm
But your feelings these feelings you don't even know
There's no time to talk and no where to go

Such a little girl still
Only 8 years old
Already dreaming of hurting yourself
When you've got so far to go
But don't be like me
Grow up happy and follow those dreams
Because I don't ever want to see you fall
If you do, I promise to help through it all

You're my little girl
Sometimes I get mad
Because you touch my things
But I wouldn't know what to do
Without a girl like you, see
You're worth more than gold
And I want to see you grow old.

Golden rays
Raining down, filled with happiness.
Enough to brighten even the most stubborn old man's day.
But she won't let it touch her,
Locked in the darkness of her heart,
Refusing to break her shell,
And he loves her
Wants her to break free,
But between you and me;
It's never gonna happen.
She doesn't think she deserves happiness.
But those golden rays shine so bright,
She would know if only she'd just lift her head and see the light.

His hands were wrapped around my waist last night
Not yours
His lips were against my lips last night
Not yours
Our bodies were pressed together in that bed
Not yours
He was breathing into my hair last night
Not yours
He whispered sweet nothings in my ears last night
Not yours
He carried me and ran his fingers up and down my spine last night
Not yours
But he's calling you to tell you he loves you this morning
And I have to realize,
He's not mine

Can you see her heart?
So gentle and loving,
Hurting hands are tearing it apart.
Though her face may not be perfect,
(Nobody's is)
She is NOT worthless,
She is much better than ****.
But that's how she feels,
She didn't have the loving mother you grew up with
She didn't have the daddy to have a tea party with.
Her tea party's turned into smoke sessions,
She grew up so fast.
We're so quick to judge by someone's appearance.
Rather than saying "I hate the things she does"
We say "I hate HER"
But she is innocent, living based on what she sees.
But you can't see her heart.
Gentle and loving while harmful things tear her apart.

Lately it seems like everything is black and white
Like the hues of the greens and blues don't go quite right
As if the purples and reds in my head are out of sight
There are no oranges, pinks or teals in this life
The turquoise and maroons won't come out these nights
There isn't even grey, no matter how hard you fight
Because the world steals your color from time to time
Leaving you with nothing but some black and some white.

When you kissed my lips
It flew through my entire body
Like a drug
And I was so high
Off of your touch
As your hands wrapped themselves around my waist
I succumbed to your love
Up and down they coasted along my legs
Soft as a feather
Gentle as beautiful weather
And when you stopped to breathe
You whispered like the wind in my hair
I Love You

You have a new family
A new wife
New kids
A new house
A new car
A new job
Its like I'm at a party I wasn't invited to
Being stared at as if I'm foreign
Like I don't even belong
I feel like the odd one out
Like you dont even want me here
You keep making up excuses as to why you cant see me
Even though you promised you'd always be there
Well I'm right here Dad
Alone and crying
And needing you
To teach me about boys
And to help me grow up
To teach me what it means to fall in love
I'm right here Dad
And guess what
I need new shoes
But your New Kids do too
And they need them more than me
It's hard to call you
You're always working to keep the rent at your New Home
But I'M STILL HERE DAD
And I'm screaming that I need you now
This is the one promise you should actually keep
After all, I'm the only kid that still loves you.