Happy 4th everybody
It's too bad I couldn't see the beautiful blasts of light
That put that pretty glow in the night
I couldn't even see the sky
Past the tears in my eyes
Because I'm only here to spend time with my father
But he's at work and I don't want to be a bother
I think I'm just gonna go home
After today, I'll leave you alone.

Times like these I wish I could call my dad
To describe to him in detail all the problems I have
You know, hear him say everythings going to be okay,
reminding me that I should relax and have some good days,
But I honestly can't
It's not because he's tired or asleep,
It's just that, I stress him out when he talks to me.
I don't mean to, but he asks me how I'm doing and all the problems spill out
Sometimes I wish i could just shut my big mouth.
The last time we talked about troublesome things
He had an almost stroke and blamed it on me,
And out of all the people I've hurt,
It's my pops that haunts me the worst.
But even if I could just call him and say hello it'd be nice,
But he'd pick up and say, "Have you checked the time? It's the middle if the night!"
Then promise to call back first thing in the morning
And no call would come, but the tears would come pouring
Because I just want my dad, to hold me like when I was little
Keep me from becoming bitter
Protecting me and shooing away danger
But his little girl is past hurt, there's no way he can save her,
Not like he tries
Just seeing him brings tears to my eyes
Because I don't know how long he'll be gone again
Times like these I think I should call my dad while I'm laying in bed
But I'll just write this poem scream into My teddy bear instead.

I'm never sure if I have the right to upset with you.
Because society has sort of thrown clingyness into my face
By telling me I need to learn how to stay in my place
For example if you aren't replying as quickly as me
I guess I'm supposed to take the hint and leave
Just so I'm not known as that needy girl
Who isn't complete without you in her world
And if I happen to actually tell you what's wrong
You'll throw me excuses so I'll feel like you were in the right all along
I'm supposed to display this big show of confidence when ignored
Like I don't need you to have fun when in reality I'm bored
Right now I'm just stuck at this spot and I'm not sure what to do
Should I hide my anger or should I just tell you

Honest Cruelty**
I talked to this kid earlier today.
He was walking down the street and I asked him where he was going, he said to Blaine, me and this kid both live about 2 cities away from Blaine, so I asked him why he was going all the way there. He said his dad ****** him off, so he was going to see his mom.
Now, I've known this kid for at least 4 years and when we first met he told me his mom died in Columbia when he was yound and he moved to America with his step-dad around age 5. Today I found out that he was lying.
His father sold him for 3 grand when he was a baby. "My pops doesn't even want me" he said. His mom left him with his step-father for years, which led him to think she was dead when she just couldn't handle the pressures of a child. "My mom doesn't either" he said. "And this ******* that has me now is pretty much a stranger who always yells and fusses and doesn't want me either"
What do you say to something like that? I don't know.. But he looked so down and so I forced him to look at me and I said "Josh, I love you. And I want you." I know it's something he needed to hear and I meant every word. He lives a few doors down from me and I know he beeded something besides a basketball. So I gave him that. It was all I could think to give him.
I just hope I did the right thing.
And I pray to God he's okay.

I'm so hell bent on fixing him
When I haven't even fixed myself
Fixated on a boy who wants to get inside me
It hurts because he doesn't even seem to like me
He's pretty much my Novacaine
I mean the way he affects my brain
I'm all doped up on his ******* lies
Bet I couldn't get away from him even if I tried
But it's not like I've made an attempt
Some other girl owns his heart and I'm paying that ***** rent
At the same time it could be a hallucination
After all, he is my drug and I'm not to keen on imagination
He's gotta have a good enough reason
For why his feelings change with the seasons
Maybe I'm just driving myself crazy,
But as soon as we got close enough he left me and maybe,
That just means he's afraid and needs someone to save him
Or I'm making up ****** excuses so I can have a reason to crave him
Without feeling like a little kid running after someone like her dad
Someone who leaves me alone wondering and wanting what we had
The only peace I recieve is hiding beneath these tears and sheets
Because finding peace in a person just means it hurts more when they inevitably leave
But why do I care so much
I've always given too many *****
And a while back I promised myself I'd stop
Because I'm afraid of falling and life has too many unseen drops
Kind of like a rollercoaster but you can't see it when you get to the highest point
And on the way down you scream so loud you lose your voice
Then you don't know how or who to ask if you have the right to be ornary
Because he ignores you all day, then night comes and he's *****
Well ****, I guess since I live down the street
I'm supposed to come easy like a nicely cooked piece of meat
In a restaurant for guys like you
But rather than take me on a date you'd have me shoo
I mean I guess I could leave you alone and go away
But then I'd just think about you all day
And wonder why you haven't called or texted
When I know for **** sure you have your phone but everyone says don't stress it
I dont know man
I've fallen so hard it's a struggle to stand
I guess I just refuse to see him for who he really is
A sheltered cold-hearted killer of girls who happen to like him