The burning desire awakens within.
It ***** that all this is a result of something I did.
Otherwise it would have been so easy. To just blame someone.
I lust for everything.
From cigars to flowers.
Come on baby. Make it end.
Yearning something undesirable.
Harder than ever.

I wait.
Wait for the tears to roll down.
But emptiness has filled me to that level,
that I'm incapable anymore.
Incapable to shed tears.

I  have now excepted the emptiness.
Doesn't bother me anymore.
Don't get me wrong.
I don't like it this way.
It's not my choice.

Dreaded. Scared.Depressed.
I'm everything one doesn't ever want to be.

You know how a plant grows ?
Slowly and swiftly,
You don't notice at first.
You don't know that it's there.
But it's growing and it will continue to do so until you accept it.

This feeling is similar.
The feeling is slow and swift at first.  
But, until you accept it.  It will continue.

Continue to eat from your inside and **** you.
You know it doesn't seem as bad as it is at the beginning.

But it kills you.
Slowly and swiftly.

I’m deprived.
It’s just 1 in the morning and I feel so ******* sleep deprived.
Insomnia seems to be increasing more than I noticed.
Or is it just me ?
Over thinking the situation as usual.
Sometimes I feel so confused.
My confusion is my weakness.
And when this weakness is at its peak,
I cry. I cry my heart out.
Is it weird that my weakness was at it’s peak just before I tried sleeping?
And thus the confusion and situation.

I'm letting it out. I'm trying actually.
To just give to the universe and not ask.
How hard can it be right ?
Well then why while writing this it
seems as utter ******* ?
Trying and trying and trying.
Like a fool with no brains.
So naive and foolish.

As I look back and try to remember him , I cant.
He seems like a hazy  and vague dream.
All I want is for him to come back.
For him to leave his first love.
And come and rescue his second love.
Im that. Im the second love.
Or maybe im the first. Doesnt matter.
He isnt here. That is all that i see.
Who would have thought i would become exactly like him.
Despite of trying so hard not to.
Mom always said , " You are just like your father" .
And I always reminded myself ,
Not to become like my father.
But i did. I am exactly like my father.
But now im so proud about it.
Because everytime my life comes crashing down on me, he is the only person who rescues me.
And the only person who can.
I love you papa. I miss you papa.
Cant stay without you.
Waiting to see you. 2 months remaining.
Always and forever, daddy's girl.

She is angry,
How dare he do that to her,
How dare she let him do that to her,
But really this anger manifests nothing,
There is really nothing she can do about it ,
All she does is ponder over herself,
For all she can think is how pathetic she is ,
And her anger builds up ever more ,
She loathes him , loathes her ,
For , that is all she can do ,
She decides no to talk to him ,
Not to reply to his messages ,
How dare he do that to her ,
How dare she let him do that to her ,
Now its been a night,she still wonders,
Is what she is thinking justified ?
Or is she wrong ?
She has had many experiences like these,
That is why it affects her even more now,
And her anger builds up more now ,
How dare he do that to her ,
How dare she let him do that to her,
Sometimes, she thinks she is easy,
But sometimes, she thinks she is wrong ,
She appreciates herself ,
Leaves all the insecurities behind ,
And rises , rises high and proud ,
Only to be pulled down and thrashed into reality by him.

Scared of everything that will become.
Of everything I have dreamed to achieve.
Scared that if it comes, will I endure it?
Do I have the capability to ?
and what if I don’t get it?
What will I do then?
What if everything i have dreamed of vapourizes?
Like the smoke I puff away…
Without any traces?
Without leaving anything behind.
Who survives in a world without an identity.
It’s those who have the courage to live like they don’t care.
But, I do. I do care of what will become.
It’s scary. It’s real. It natural.
But then why can’t i feel it?
Why doesnt my hair stand when I think about it?
I’m going through this like a metro train. So fast.
Not giving any thoughts to the thoughts that come to me.
That is. Because i think I’m scared.

Meri bebasi ka bayaan hai
bas chal raha na iss ghadi
Meri bebasi ka bayaan hai
bas chal raha na iss ghadi

Ras hasrat ka nichod doon
Kas baahon mein aa tod doon
Chaahoon kya jaanu naa
Chheen loon chhod doon
Iss lamhe kya kar jaaun
Iss lamhe kya kar jaaun..
Iss lamhe kya kar doon jo mujhe chain mile aaraam mile
Aur **.. Aur **
Saans ka shor ** aanch bhi aur badhe
Aur **.. Aur **
Saans ka shor ** taap bhi aur chadhe
Aur **.. Aur **
Aur mile hum aur bhi jal jaaye

Tujhe pehli baar main milta hoon har dafaa
Meri bebasi ka bayaan hai

Tujhe chheen loon ya chhod doon
Maang loon yaa mod doon
Iss lamhe kya kar jaaun
Iss lamhe kya kar doon
Jo mujhe chain mile aaram mile

Aur **.. Aur **
Saans ka shor ** aanch bhi aur badhe
Aur **.. Aur **
Saans ka shor ** taap bhi aur chadhe
Aur **.. Aur **
Aur mile hum aur bhi jal jaayein

le le le........
Jiya jiya...
Piya piya...
ye hey....

Main hasrat mein ek uljhi dor huaa
Suljha de ** **.....
Main dastak hoon
Tu bandh kiwaado sa
Khul ja re **
O bebasi mann mein basi
Aa Jeete jeete jee le sapna

Aur **.. aur **
Saans ka shor ** aanch ki aur badhe
Aur **.. aur **
Saans ka shor ** taap ki aur chadhe
Aur **.. aur **
Aur mile hum aur bhi jal jaaye

Ruke se naa ruke
Ye naa thake
Aandhi si jo chale inn saanso ki
Pata bhi naa chale kahaan pe kya jale
Hai darr se, tann-mann ki, siharan se
Hasrat ki, sulgan se
Bhadke aur shola shola
Jale bujhe dhuaan dhuaan
O dhuaan dhuaan
Lage mujhe dhuaan dhuaan o

Meri bebasi ka bayaan hai
Meri bebasi ka bayaan hai
Meri bebasi ka bayaan hai

I have this vision of stabbing myself in the stomach.
Everytime something bad happens to me. Something I can't tolerate.
Suddenly and unintentionally ,  
out of no where I start imagining that I'm stabbing myself in the stomach again and again and it is bringing peace to me.
And I feel so much better after stabbing myself.
I feel that I'm being relieved of the burdens on me.
That , the world is right.
But the only problem is that I'm not there.
By relieving myself of the problem.
I also relieve myself of my life.
And thus it just ends.
Abruptly.

The fear increases with each passing day.
It’s weird that it has affected every part of me.
Like a fire.
Consuming everything and destroying it.
I’m not destroyed but broken.
Broken because I believe I can be repaired.
I believe that with time there will come someone or something that will take all my problems away.
An angel. A god’s send.
And this will cure my heart and all scars and repair the broken parts.
And I wait. I wait patiently trying to be postive.
And I wonder.
I wonder that why would He do this.
With tears in my eyes and people asking why?
I have no answer. I am clueless.
All I do now is pretend it doesnt affect me.
But it does. And I sigh and live.

You have your wounds.
I have mine.
But what you fail to see is that I see your wounds.
That I have accepted your wounds.
That I am not like the others you were with.
Where they wanted your stars and light.
I want your soul in the night.

I beg of you to see me. Dont see my wounds.
I have accepted mine, unlike you.
See and accept what I have accepted of you.
Then and only then will you be able to truly love me.
Then and only then will I know your soul.