I don’t have that friend…

Who I trust with everything.
Who is here in 10 minutes.
Who I can be lazy with.
Who I can watch movies with.
Who I can call at 3 AM.
Who I can cry on.
Who encourages me.
Who tells me it will be OK.
Who is always on my side.
Who watches me laugh insanely.
Who surprises me.
Who wishes with me.
Who waits with me.
Who hugs me.
Who is proud of me.
Who wants me.
Who needs me.
Who loves me.

I used to have that friend.

She asked me never to leave.
And I never did.
She was scared
And so was I.
But she built up some fake facade
And I sat by.
I waited and
I watched to see if she would come back.
But it became too much.

I miss that I used to have that friend.

She helped me grow with Christ.
She helped me in my mental fights.
She was my best friend.

It’s hard to say goodbye when the person’s being doesn’t actually leave.

Sometimes I think about making the choices she has made.
The love,
The lust,
The parties,
The “cool” personality.
I think about making those mistakes.
I can fail one class.
I can drink one drink.
I can **** one soul.

I don’t have that friend anymore.
And I won’t have one for a while.

But I do have a sister.
I have people who need me even though I don’t want them to.
I have people who say “I love you” to me although those words don’t come out of my mouth anymore.
I have a sister, so I have a friend.

A dream can feel unusually real.
I don't know I'm sleepy, until a wake up.

Well...
What if every one of my breaths is in just another dream?
What if this pain is all a dream?
What if we are all resting on the clouds for 70+ years?
What if when we die, we finally wake up in peaceful eternity?
What if it didn't matter how we died?

I want to believe this so badly.

How rude would I be
If I took my life
On the day before I'm supposed to
Celebrate the one who gave me life.

I'm not sure I care, though,
How rude you think I am.

No, I'm not OK.
I'm drowning,
Choking,
Throwing up,
Crying,
Screaming,
Hurting,
Cutting,
Aching,
Sliding under.

And it ***** because
No one can help me.

*so I don't ask anymore

Each day,
I cry out for help.
Yet each day,
I refuse to help myself.

Dear God, what is wrong with me?

If I could…
sing sweet songs,
dance swift motions,
run far paths,
reach high places,
or step shaky ground,
I’d do it all for you.

But…
my voice cracks,
my body aches,
my legs shake,
my arms fail,
and the ground gives in.

If my voice picked you up,
I’d talk and talk so you heard no other noise.

If my shoulder brought you comfort,
I’d sit next to you until you pushed your demons away.

If my love filled you with happiness,
I’d love and love and love you until the end of time.

But,
You hear other noises and
Your demons still stay near and
Your soul grabs onto its sadness.

Yet,
I will talk and talk and
I will sit next to you and
I will love and love and love you
By
Singing sweet songs,
Dancing swift motions,
Running far paths,
Reaching high places,
And stepping shaky ground.
No matter how my much my
Voice cracks,
Body aches,
Legs shake,
Arms fail,
Or the ground gives in.

I will do this all for you.

Each word of mine is a piece of my heart,
Resting in hands that I've trusted.
Each word from your mouth forms the tool...
The tool that will make or break me.

Be careful
What you say,
What you do,
And how you react.

I know it's not safe nor fair,
But your words are making a powerful tool...
And you're two seconds from hitting the trigger.

She was in love with him.

But he only loved her.

So let me start my story
In a very scary place.
There was once a young girl
Who never saw His face.
She lived her life in fear and
Tore herself apart.
She had a smile on her face but
A scar on her heart.
She had no one to trust,
No hand to hold when frightened.
She lived in the dark and
Hoped it would soon brighten.
She soon found that someone but
That someone's not a mister.
She found someone's love and
That person was her big sister.
Her sister loved her more than
Anyone she knew.
Her sister made her happy and
Always knew what to do.
When the girl was afraid,
Her sister showed her the light.
When the girl was upset,
Her sister helped her through the night.
The girl connected to her sister
Through a wonderful dance class.
Her sister showed her peace and
Promised the pain wouldn't last.
The girl was fighting a silent battle that
Her sister could understand.
The girl soon opened up and
Her sister showed her an awesome man.
This man has special powers and
Love to change lives.
The man loved the girl and
The girl forfeited her knives.

Now that we've made it to
The time in which we stand,
You must understand
Who I actually am.
I am the girl,
The one who loves her sister.
I have one last thing to do and
That is to ditch her.
She is the old me,
The one who hid her face.
I'm so thankful to you for
Showing me God's grace.
You've influenced my relationship
With the Kind of Earth and Heaven.
You mean more to me than
Lucky number seven.
Here's one more thing,
A question of glee.
Dear Miss,
Will You...

Look in the mirror.
See a reflection
And her dark
Skin complexion.

She sees the scars and the
Tears rolling down
While they see the smile
That has never turned around.

She's a happy girl,
Or so they think.
She stares in the mirror
And stands over the sink.

This world is too much,
Too heavy for her heart
And every last thing is
Breaking her apart.

She looks at her face and
Follows one last tear
And wishes this
Could be her last year.

She wipes the tear
And faces her life
But only to find she's
Picked up a knife.

She carries it with her
Where ever she goes.
And makes everything worse,
Little does she know.

For every time something happens,
She cuts up her heart.
And, of course, there's
No way to re-start.

One last thing,
And that could be the end.
"Why do you always smile?"
Asked her little sister's friend.

How could she answer?
What would she say?
"I'm not sure"
And the girl ran away.

She goes home
And runs in the back.
She smiles in the mirror
And gets caught off track.

Her teeth so perfect
And her eyes so bright.
Who was this girl?
What was this sight?

She saw someone new
And someone so pretty.
But she knew it was fake
And asked, "Why is life so ******?"

She looked in the mirror
And decided to go.
"Goodbye" said the pretty girl.
Shouted the world, "NO!"

But what could they do?
She was already gone.
And all they had left was
A knife used way too long.

The world gave me signs,
Told me not to do it.
Everything went wrong,
I fought the world anyway.
I find happiness in seeing you smile.
I needed to make you smile.
As my heart raced, I smiled.
As it all fell down, I laughed.
As angel tears hit my back,
I listened to the thunder we created.
I wish I could go back and find the meaning of those tears.
What were the angels feeling?

I wish I could stand up,
Throw my arms out,
Open my heart,
Hear the bursting of those balloons,
And let the rain hit my face...

So I could feel the angels' tears.

Dear Old Love,

It's time for you to go and
I'm not sad to say so.
You've lived here so long but
Now your time is gone.
I'm ready to say goodbye,
In hopes it will make you die.
I've cut part of you away and
I'm pushing you away each day.
I'll never look back so
I won't get caught off track.
So stop trying to change my plan,
I've found a greater man.
You no longer frighten me and
That has made life lovely.

~Daughter of the King

Again, I skip the stew
But that's okay.
At least I don't have to
Hear you chew.

Again, my blood is shed
But that's okay.
I'm cutting away the
Nasty things you've said.

Again, I write a letter.
But soon rip it up
Just in case
Tomorrow is better.

Again and again I cry.
Only for you to find out
I'm about to
Die.

I love your warmth.
I love your laugh.
I love your help.
I love you.

I want your hug.
I want your smile.
I want your care.
I want you.

I need your warm hug.
I need your happy smile.
I need your careful help.
I need you.

Please tell me I matter.
Please tell me you care.
And please tell me you're there.
Because I love, want, and need you.

I know it was me.
I was too caught up.
I'm sorry.
I need you back.
I know something's wrong,
I'll listen.
You are worrying me.

I now sit here alone.
All alone on this
Dark Earth.
Only hoping that I'll soon
Find my flashlight.

I can't see.
It's just too dark.
What do you expect
ME to do?
There's no light switch here
And I'm too scared to
Take a single step forward.

But dear,
Can't you see me?
I'm shining light.
Hold my hand and
We will get out of this
Darkness together.

We will never make it.
Look how long the
Journey is.
And see that?
We will never make it
Over that.

Darling, open your mind.
Look just a bit
Farther.
There's a safer way.
See it?
And if you can't get
Through that,
I'll help you over what
Seems to be the problem.
You see, that obstacle is
NOT the problem.
You are.
There are so many ways you
CAN make it over.
And, you will always have my
Light by your side.
So, what's really
Scaring you?

It's too dark.

But I'm right here

But,*

But what?

Darling, I see you.
I understand.
I'm sitting right here.
But look behind me...
Do you see it?
The real world.
Isn't it wonderful?
And scary?
That's life.
Oh, the glorious thunderstorms and
The monstrous rainbows.
Oh, the brightness the moon brings and
The darkness the sun shines.
It's all for you.
Every tear brought your way and
Every smile hidden on your shoulder.
Every flower and
Every thorn.
Every laugh and
Every groan.
Your life is for you.
So, darling, look behind me.
Not in me.
Because my eyes only show the painful truth.
And that's all you just saw.

Am I not allowed to have my own opinions? Am I not allowed to do what I like? Am I not allowed to be given a chance?

Do I not deserve a chance? Do I not deserve friends? Do I not deserve just one person that will talk and listen to me? Do I not deserve happiness?

Is it bad that I read 13 Reasons Why and wish I was the girl who killed herself? Is it bad that suicide is always on my mind? Is it bad that I want to be found dead in the morning?

Am I not allowed...   To know answers?
Do I not deserve...     To know answers?
Is it bad...                    To know answers?