The quietness


My phone sits quietly on my lap. It doesn't ring or vibrate. All around me is quietness . No one talks, conversation doesn't float in the air. But my head. My head is so loud, filled with burning conversations I want to have with you.

I can't talk to you. We have plunged head first in to a dark, cold ocean full of silence. I am slowly drowning . The water has filled my lungs. It burns and I am gasping for air. My hands are frantically searching for you to save me. But through the dark, cold water, I see you swim away to safety.

You are saved by another hand that's dipped in to the water. She waits on the shore and is ready to save you. She doesn't  know what I do. That you can't truly be saved, just like me. But you will pretend to be saved, while I, a more honest person. I will drown in honesty.  

And here I sink, to die at the bottom of the sea. I die with all the lost hope and feelings I have for you. For I will die a thousand deaths every day, not being able to have you. While you breathe a thousand breaths and live another day .

I wanted him. Every single part of him, I wanted. To run my finger tips through his ever growing, fluffy beard. To stare in to his more  than blue eyes. To peck his lips more than a thousand times through out the day. To feel his massive bear hands wrap around mine like a strong, protective blanket, making me feel like he had me and was never letting go.

I was born with no patience. No amount of waiting as a child gave me any. Telling me "have some patience " didn't teach me an ounce of it. But knowing him, loving him, wanting him.. it taught  me how to have it. How to get use to that burning ache inside my chest, that rose with me first thing in the morning and stood with me throughout my day, before falling in to a dull slumber at night . I learned to live in the day dreams I had about him. I learned about lust, love and patience . The years past and every single emotion I had for this man grew, so deep I felt my body was not made of blood and DNA, but the roots that kept him so firmly grounded in my life .

13 years passed and still my patience grew. For not once had I had the chance to kiss him or touch him. And frustration was born and continued to grow like a child . And my mind began to speak words I never could quite cope with. And my hands bled from holding on to something I never truly wanted to let go of. But he, he never once held on to the hope I had. He let his die in a blazing fight. He washed his scorched hands in my salty tears and he took them steps to freedom, that I feared he would take.

And with that, the hope died. The lust and love remained. The patience felt wasted and abused, victimised and betrayed. Me, I felt an emptiness only the most broken could experience, for I had just wasted my heart on someone who never truly cared.

After 10 years it's finally over.
And I honestly don't know how to cope.
Your page say's your in a relationship.
Your profile picture is you and her.

I want it to be you and me.
I want it to say you are mine.
I want so many things,
But I don't know where to begin.

I am losing you.
The late night chats,
The skype sessions.
You blowing me kisses
And saying you love me.

I have lost it all and I don't know where to begin.
I want to cry,
Oh God how I want to just cry it out.
Every dream and hope smashed like glass.
I am left shattered in a million pieces
And where do I begin?
Cause I am losing you.

Our relationship is one of many complications.
But even with these complications, I never let go.
I have loved you for far too long,
Put up with the moods,
You constantly being hot and cold.

I have waited,
Been honest and lied.
Covered up feelings and then stripped myself clean.
I have flirted and fought,
Added more to our complications.

And even though the years add on to our time,
Even thought I have never met you face to face,
Even thought this whole thing feels stupid,
The complications just fade.
They fade in to the dark and I still say,
Even the complications won't stop me,
Stop me from wanting you.

I am trying to give you space.
But don't you think there is enough distance between us?.
I am trying to give you time.
But don't you think 10 years has been enough?
I am trying not to love you.
But my heart won't give in and stop.
I am trying do to all the right things.
But I can't seem to let you go.

I messed up, I know my mistakes.
I am trying to tell you I am sorry.
But you won't listen to my words.
I am telling you I love you.
That I always have and always will.
This distance doesn't stop it.
It never has and never will.

You run back to him like nothing had happened,
You run back to "Daddy" and forget the tears and fights.
You betray us all, the one's who saved you.
You run back to him and I wonder do you even have a soul?.

I wonder why?
I wonder were you even my sister at all.
How can you do this to us?,
Bad mouth us, hurt us, betray us and run back to him.
Did you not see my scars?
Do you not remember is un -tasteful words?
Do you not remember the nights we cried in the dark,
While we suffered another one of his drunken blows?

He is not my "dad" you are not my "sister"
You are a Judas,
A traitor to us all.

Our relationship is far from normal,
Two and a half years of mood swings
I sometimes wonder are you a woman instead of a man.
One minute I want you,
The next I am infuriated by your actions.
These mood swings of yours give me whip lash.
So I have three little words for you

Go ***** Yourself
I have had enough.

I saw a young couple today,
They were cuddling in the park.
Looking at them hurt,
It reminded me of how we use to be.
So young and in love,
A modern day Romeo & Juliet.

Seeing them reminded me of why I was walking in the park,
The fight that caused me to flee for space and air.
Darling don't you see how much he hurt me,
How he scared my heart, but still you defend him
And this hurts me so.

We use to laugh all the time,
Cuddle like the young couple in the park.
Now our laughs are taken by shouting,
And as I walk in this park I wonder...
Have we reached the final scene?
Where true love dies
And I wonder will I die with it.

The memories of ours flooded my head when I got the call.
That word "Heart attack" rang in my ears.
The fear that hit smothered me,
making it impossible to breathe.

I imagined you dead,
Thinking how can this be.
The fear killing me,
breaking me and putting me on my knee's.
Those salty tears blinded me
and I fought to breathe.

"He is alive" was said to me,
but death still rung in my ears.
I was trusted back in to my childhood,
A little girl depending on her Daddy.

And as I stare at you lying in the hospital bed,
Alive, breathing, blood in your heart.
I remember how much you mean to me.

I use visit you every once in a while.
I don't know why, but it always seemed to rain.
Does it rain because graveyard are places where you feel the most pain?
Is the rain the tears of our loved ones who's faces we can't see no more.

It has been a while since I visited your grave.
I will use excuses and tell you life got in the way.
But if I am honest,which I should be with you.
My tears got in the way.

I hate standing there.
Looking at a piece of stone,
Your name etched in gold.
The year you were born, the year you died.
A constant reminder you are no longer living by my side.

It's hard.
I talk to you, whisper a silent prayer for you.
No idea why, this prayer won't bring me comfort any more.
So, I won't stand and cry at your grave no more.

Because, praying and crying is just to hard to bare any more

You kissed me and it all came flooding back,
The two years of constantly fighting,
Your mood swings and whip lash .
Two years ago we met,two teenagers excited by the aspect of Love.

So why now?.
Is it because we are both drunk?
Is it because we met this day two years ago?
Or my final question, because your brother,my boyfriend is unconscious on the bed asleep.

Your kissing me and my heads not telling me to stop.
We pull away and you smile at me, your hands on my hips.
I flee the scene and guilt kicks in,
I've cheated on my boyfriend,with his brother..my ex.
But..as you call me back you kiss me again,
Swiftly on the lips and I say stop.
"I meant to kiss your cheek" is your only reply,
But it hits me.
Your not over me,just like I'm not over you.

And as I write the sixth poem about you,
I realise I will never be over you,
Even with your mood swings and whip lash,
This all hits me while my boyfriend lays unconscious in our bed.

I am so in love, its not even funny any more.
Romance has replaced everything that stood before .
Books line the side of my bed, telling me sickly romantic tales.
Each one I devour and absorb with the biggest grin on my face.

He stays in my head,
Constantly.
Like an obsession I can't seem to shake.
This obsession exhausts me.
Replaces my priorities leaving him my main.

People around me stare,
They know that I am sick.
To me it's a sickness that I will bare, forever..no til eternity.

I think of him as I read these love stories,
He is my Edward Cullen, protector of my soul.
And as I read the pages of these love sick stories,
I wonder ,could I possibly endure life without his croaked smiles and laughing fits?

I always was a believer in true love,
Maybe because I read fairy-tales as I grew up.
Imagining my true love,
Arriving one day and claiming me as the one.
His face was always a blur.
An indication that you never really know who your true love is or was,
Until that day that he or she shows up,

They change your life.
Flip your world upside down,
And leave you, just like me..so sickly in love.
That it's not even funny any more.

"You have reached the voice mail of.." I hear that tone more than I hear your voice.
Lately you have unreachable and I talk to her more than I talk to you.
Part of me wonders,fears that you don't want to  talk any more.
That the sound of my voice is something do not desire any more.

You have taken pride in becoming unreachable,
Like someone in Witness protection, you are untouchable.
So when I dial your number, her voice answers me and I find the only part of you I can reach,
Is your voice mail on the phone

Shakespeare once said "Shall I compare thee to a summers day?. Thou art more lovely and temperate".
Well..what can I say?.
You my love are more lovely and temperate to any sunny summers day.
When I look at you, every day is the most gorgeous summers day my eyes have ever witnessed.

And my life, as I exist this day and hopefully for days and years to come,
Has been the best days of my existence.
Whole would not describe how you make me feel.
Loved..doesn't come close.
Its that feeling I get deep inside and all I can do is smile.

Life my dear without you wouldn't be classed as living,
It would be an exile,
A tragedy like Romeo and Juliet.
My heart would beat, but it would not pound and gallop like it does now.

So, my love, my life.
I love you not with just my heart,but my entire being.
You have my heart,my soul, my body and mind.
And I will love you, beyond my last breath on this earth
And in to the after life we hold together

You are 49 today,
49 years ago you were born,
In 16 days, you will be gone one year.

I have thought about you a lot today,
Thought about who you were and what you are now.
Death hasn't changed you,
It has changed the value people have for you.
I wonder if its because when you die, people seem to care that little bit more,
They care more about you than they did when you were alive.

I know that sounds harsh,
But god its the ****** truth.
They cry over you and pray for you,
But who the **** did that when you were alive.
I prayed for you..I prayed when you were alive and I will be sure to pray for you now your dead.
I prayed because I cared, I knew the struggles ,
The problems ,
The utter **** that was served to you and called life.

And yes,
Yes Seamus I am mad.
In fact I am livid,
Not with you,
But with him.
The big man in the sky we call our saviour.
49 today..how the hell is that a decent age to die when your life was only starting.

And I am sorry,
Sorry that this poem I wrote for you doesn't rhyme and is all negative,
But sometimes..you gotta just let it go and say **** it.
I will for today, light a single candle and made a wish for you.
And dear Gem of mine,
I wish you peace,
But most of all...I wish you a Happy Birthday

I have struggled all my life,
struggled with who I was,
even who I am.
But for some reason tonight, I can't feel the struggle any more.

I couldn't tell if it was the alcohol rushing through my veins,
Or the fact that you are right beside me standing in the dark.
The room is pulsing, music blasting through my ears,
The night is young, and I repeatedly tell myself so am I.

Pretty young girls, dance and flirt around you,
That doubt and struggle hits me as I wonder who you like more.
Is it the girls sitting in the corner,
Chattering and smoking,
Their lives full of fun and joy,
Or is it me.
The girl dancing through the night,
Screaming her pain and anxieties away.

But then, as I scream my anxiety away,
The most amazing thing happens..
You tell me, I am the most prettiest girl in the room,
And once again, my struggles float away
And once again, we are submerged in to the darkest,
Lips colliding as I fall for you again.

I was fascinated by you for some time,
Your looks and movements sent me in to my own personal wave of pleasure.
It was like being aroused, a guilty pleasure only I felt and knew about.
But, as I struggled to let you go,
Forget the past and live in the present,
I vowed personally to let you go.

I did,
A goal I feel accomplished by,
But as I found out you knew,
I could feel myself loath you.

The way you told everyone that I liked you,
Calling me obsessed ,
Talking about yourself as if you were God's own gift.
It stopped me,
Stopped the guilty pleasures,
The secret stares and the forbidden thoughts.

Now, I feel hatred.
You think you are God's own gift .
The world revolves around you .
So..I will tell you the truth.
The brutal honest truth.
You are not gods own gift.

You my friend, no not  friend, acquaintance,
You are a selfish person.
You use people to get your own way.
Your temper makes people afraid of you.
And personally, I would rather be sick,
Than give you the satisfaction in thinking,
You are God's greatest gift.

You stood in front of me in a track suit,
Your hair short and curly,
I seen you as a friend, no more, no less.
All  I ever wanted was to be just friends.

The years passed and for reasons I could not control,
Distance and time, we grew apart.
Then out of the blue you come back,
In to my life and I still seen you as just a friend.

You write me and tell me you don't wanna be, just friends.
That all the time pasted, you wanted me in ways I never wanted you.
The news, a shock to my system worries me.
Leaves me wondering..could we ever be more than friends.

But as I am obliged to be, I am taken by someone else.
Someone I love and would never wish to be just my friend.
And with the news you dropped on me,
I am left thinking about you, in the most random parts of my day.
Still questioning..can we ever be more than just friends.

You escaped us and went somewhere better,
I like to think of it as a world with no worries.
A world where you are free to be demon free.

A world where you weren't plagued with addiction and debt.
But now, as I look at you laying in a wooden box,
Your brown beads clasped stiffly in your hands,
I realise you were like me,
You never believed in a God,
So where will you go?

I rub your cold leather hands,
And for the first time I break down,
I break down because it's not you.
Not the Seamus, I believed in and loved.

And I know in the mourning I will let you die,
But for right now,
I will cry the pain out,
But deep down I know this pain will not go.

So as you escape,
I will try and bring you back,
No running away from this burden,
Even though I carry them on my shoulders.

So in this mourning I will rise,
In this mourning I will let you die,
But Seamus, what if I am not ready to mourn and let you die?
Where can I escape to then,
Because I am praying to a God I dont believe in.

I wrote two poems about you,
This will be my third.
Poems about feelings I get, being around you.

These poems you will never see.
Not because I don't want you to see them,
But because, your not wise enough to see.

I listened to a song today,
It reminded me of us,
The burning love, I felt for you.
It still lingers in my dreams.

So now I have to let you go.
Its not fair on me or him.
Him being the guy I love,
Love, what does that mean?.

I will look at you and no longer wish or ponder,
The past is behind me, I will step forward.
You don't deserve my feelings,
Deffinately not my poems.

So goodbye,
Seven letters long,
One word just like Love.
Love is not our theme any more,
Strangers, equals us more.

So, when I look at you tomorrow,
The next day and after that.
I promise to smile and say hello.
But I love you, you will hear that no more.

It gets harder every time I see you.
It's not  unbearable like a burn,just uncomfortable like a sting.
I can hold it together on the outside, my ****** expressions set in stone.
But on the inside, oh god.
It's like a maze of thoughts and hopes.

Ones like; maybe I could join you in the shower your taking
Or, even steal a kiss goodnight just to feel your lips again.
I can deal with uncomfortable, but not unbearable.
So, when it gets harder for me to be around you,
Show a little kindness.

My spaghetti thoughts and hopes full of holes,
Are mine alone to dream about.
Not yours to shoot down and swallow whole.

"I'm leaving him" you shout at me,
My own mother, breaking every dream I ever believed.
Now I have lost not one but two Dad's in the space of twenty years.

The fights, mood swings, all built up to breaking point.
But you don't see he loves you.
You say he doesn't love you that all you do is clean.
But you don't see the affection that lies in his bright blue eyes.

Your mood swings give whip lash,
Your shouting chills us all.
But you don't see we love you, unconditionally.
So why?.

Why do you want to end it all?.
Throw Seventeen years down the kitchen sink.
Leave us all fatherless, like we were Eighteen years before.
He is my dad,not by blood but by love.

So for us, put away the mood swings,
And get back to love.

I look at your face and it all comes back.
The stolen kisses and evenings spent underneath the sheets.
You were gorgeous to me, a guy who I truly wanted to be.
No ****** intentions, just sweet innocent moves.
But how was I to know, what you really were.

A guy who built me up, gave me hope we would be together,
But how was I to know, what you were about to do.
Ignore me for days,
Leave me praying you didn't run away.
Then you did it, sent me the message. It's over, written in stone.

Every stolen kiss, gone in the air.
So when I look at you now, they float around in the air.
I wish this wasn't so,
That you could look at me with lust,
But instead you see me as this girl,
You stole a kiss from , two , three times maybe four.

I walk the halls and you all laugh,
You call me fat and laugh behind my back.
But deep inside, I know the reason,
Why I am not like the others.

To the naked eye I am obese,
A fat girl who you can not bare to see.
But deep inside my blood there holds a demon,
One who controls the way you see me.

Doctors call it PCOS ,
A illness I will carry til my death.
So when you look at me,
Don't see the fat ,
Or the girl who you can not bare to see.

See the girl who fought to live,
Who spent that year,
Underneath the hospital sheets,
Just so you could bare to look at me.

I am known as straightforward,
I cut to the point and keep a straight composure.
Inside my walls are tall and strong ,
No emotions or feelings allowed to weaken my walls.

The names,games and exile have been played on me,
But still I stay straightforward.
Behind the walls stands a heart,
It plump's blood and feelings against the wall.

Feelings that once were hurt, too many times before.
So for now my walls will stay strong.
And I will keep being straightforward.

I waited for this day for the past three years,
To see your face and to know you were real,
Not just a memory or a dream that I thought was real,
But a friend I just haven't seen in years.

Three long years have separated us due to time and space.
Not the kind of space that exists above the sky we stare at.
The one that is filled with the diamonds that I wish upon.

I think about the gap I feel,
The friend I lost to unfortunate events that either of us could control.
Them long Summer days meandering into nights,
Now will turn into dark Christmas nights,
Illuminated by the glow of a fairy light.

So I wait patiently,
Counting down the days,
Hours,
Minutes,
Seconds,
Until we are brought together again.
Best friends once reunited again.

Kiss me and tell me,
Everything will be ok,
That leaving you on this platform,
Won't be my biggest mistake.

Its not a choice but a sentence I must pay.
Life carries on without your face,
School and studies await me each day,
I could give it all up just to be with you,
You tell me no that's the wrong thing to do,
But how am I to know when I love you so.

Kiss me and tell me,
Everything is  going to be ok,
That we won't grow apart while I walk away,
This train moves to fast for me,
My panic sets in,
My heart is screaming please stop this train.

The night sky is filled with the stars above,
Not a wish I could make to turn this around.
My heart is heavy, my stomach is sick,
You slowly fade away as the train pulls away.

When will I see you?
A week, a month, a couple of days?.
Just kiss me and tell me,
Everything will be ok.

These winter nights get longer
Without the warmth of your embrace,
I sit alone, thinking about you,
Wondering when will I see your face.

My love has come
And before I know it I am leaving him
Once again on his own .
As the miles grow longer
The more our love grows.

10 months of bliss,
Heaven is not as nice as this,
I yearn to feel your kiss,
To smell your aftershave ,
To have your warm body on mine.

Being away from you breaks my heart,
An empty shell without you near,
Why do we have to say goodbye
When hello was just said.

You are my life,
The one I call home,
A man who takes care of me
On these harsh winter days.

The day will come when we grow old,
You will hold my hand as we both
Fade into the unknown.
I will love you then as much
As I love you now,
My knight in his shining armour.

I wrote you a love letter
And left the ending blank,
A sixteen year old girl had a crush on her friend.

You knew it was me but you did not love me back,
My heart was shattered but we still remained friends.
Such a silly little girl, full of dreams to be loved,
I thought we would lie in the  summer sun  in love.

I got the call to say you the accident,
God had taken you away from me
While I fell to the floor.
The tears fell as I prayed for you hoping it was not true

The call came again to say you still held on.
Your heart bet slowly and you came back to me.
To loose a friend you love
Its the feeling of emptiness that fills your soul.

Alive and well you talk to me,
Sounds of joy float around in the breeze.
Today you live in leaps and strides.
A boy who made his best friend cry.

Four years have passed without your face,
Your dark brown eyes missing without a trace,
You built me up,
Showed me what life could hold.

These four years are long,
And oh  I miss you so,
The fun times we had,
Pancakes at midnight,
Facials and laughs.

Your smell so clear to me ,
Your not only my friend,
But my savour who I love so.

Our time will come ,
As we will stand side by side.
A long lost friend found in the Summer sun.

The joy you gave me will be found again,
Our secrets and talks will start all over again.
The miles will shorten and the smiles will grow,

Oh long lost friend I miss you so,
The jokes and laughter and oddities we shared.
Not only a friend but a hero to me.
Oh long lost friend come back to me .

Your face was bruised
From the force of his viscous hand
You cried and begged for it to be put to an end.

Oh mother of mine you took it all
The kicks
The slaps
The beatings
Of the devils son.

Husband was not his name
He was a dangerous force
Who had taken your soul away

The nights you cried
The love you lost
You protected us as if he was the sun

No time can heal the scars he left
Oh mother of mine you saved me from the sun.
You gave your all
You took the blow

How many times did you take the blow
A unborn baby
Innocent to it all
You held me close so I wouldn't take a blow
Oh mother of mine I love you so
Not because you took the blow

Because you stayed so strong
And saved our souls .

The monitor slowly beeped
You sighed your last breath
The heart I had loved so dearly
Was still with no beat.

A eight year old girl sat on the floor
Her heart was heavy
She knew you had gone.
Gone to the gates of heaven to be
With the woman you let go so long ago.

God let her down,
She lost her faith
The man she called Grandad
Was taken away.

You lived.
You loved.
You fought the greatest fight
But grew tired.

Now, your face is blurred
Your smell is gone
Your voice is silent
But your hard to forget.

You thought me lessons
I still live today.
My Grandad
My friend.
Oh why were you taken away .