The smoke hits the back of my throat hard.
The usually THC tinged blood coursing through my veins normally prevents this.
Usually, it hits smooth, like water against glass.
Now it is hard and hits like sandpaper upon sandpaper.
I learn to like the pain and seek it.
I come to know it.

You say, “Promise not to promise anymore.”
I say, “I will take the chain off the door.”

She walks away
Saying what she always says
In vain

But
She walks away
Saying what she always says
In Vain
Like always

The smoke that comes from the fire that comes from the pocket
And it doesn’t hurt
I walk too
The smoke feels smooth as my feet against this pavement
I miss the hurt, the familiar hurt
So I decided to seek it

I find you
You my love are not gone

I say, “I’ll never say, I’ll never love again.”
You say, “You don’t say a lot of things.”

I press my body on her
And kiss her where mind meets body
Like never

But
I press my body on her like
And kiss her where mind meets body
Like never

She places her arm length between us
Turns her head away quickly
She says, “My bones are shifting in my skin.
And you my love are gone.”

The drink is a trap
Your light kiss is a tease

You are not attractive
You are not attractive
I say to myself
I snap out of it

And snap back in again
Your body doesn’t do it for me
Your words don’t travel far

You look like you need a compliment
You seek them like a fish in a little tank
      swimming to the surface for food

I pinch myself not to wake up but to
black out
My face is red

I know what’s happening
I may have lost control but I hover above
watching

My body does the talking and says the right things to the wrong person

Your blind eyes hurt
The sparkle in mine does not reflect

You say any and everything simply
My words are loaded, ripe with secret meanings

You flirt
I sabotage

Since forever you have needed me
And I, you, in very different ways

So for the rest of time
We are trapped in this dance

And then we stop
And we stare

I have that one moment
When the sparkle is there

I see your mind comprehend those loaded words
And suddenly we need each other in the same ways

Then everything starts moving again
And I’m back where I started

Your hurtful eyes
and mine, sparkling

I.

“The sky looks ******.”
your nose is upturned,
your mouth is open,
your eyes are wide.

I notice the first rain drop
sit on your bottom lip
of your mouth, agape.

You lick it off.

II.

The first tear
rolls down slow
waiting for me to notice.

I see it as you turn
and run for your car.
You blast the stereo.

It’s our song.

III.

For every imperfection;
your different colored eyes
and wavering faith

There are perfections;
The back of your neck
and ornate vocabulary.

I love balance.

IV.

One time you were told,
“No one loves just once,
there are many great loves.”

And you said,
“I have many great loves,
they just fit in one person.”

You convinced yourself.

V.

After three drinks
you tell me you’re
feeling honest.

I ask what your
first thought was
when you saw me.

“I won’t have to die alone.”