Forgive me... for I know not what I do...

Believe me... for my heart tell the truth...

I've been lost in my mind... unable to escape...

I've been searching for freedom... reliving my mistakes...

Let go of the past... And move on twice as strong...

Have faith in yourself... It won't be too long...

I'll find my way to help... My way to live on...

I'll find my way... before it's gone.

Her hands shake
Her heart stops
Her breathe ceases
What has she done?
She slides to the floor
Covered in darkness
Cursing the night...
How could this happen?
She watched the blood
...her blood
Fall from her wrist
What's going on?
She begins to cry
She can't believe...
Her mind goes blank
How could she have lost control?
She's surrounded by lies
That she has told herself
She pick's herself up
What can she do?

She pulls back
Unable to handle her fear
Her body shakes
As she stand her ground
"I won't be bullied"
"I won't be hurt"
Her mind is set
Her heart can't change
She's tired of fighting
...of losing
A single tear
Is her only regret
As it rolls down her cheek
She knows she is weak
But her heart can't change
She's hurt too long
She'd had enough
How could she handle it again?
She won't...
No more lies!
No more pain!
It's his turn.
She's doesn't want to
But she knows she must
Her heart can't change
She can't give up
She can't let him win
He won't...
She's determined to be strong
"Don't let him decide for me"
Her mind says...
"Don't let me change"
She looks in his eyes
And begins to break
"NO!"
Her heart screams...
"It's not too late!"
She stares him down
And begins to speak
Her voice barely trembles
Her heart is firm
He stares silently
As he listens to her words.
She did love him...
But she had hurt too much...
She couldn't stay with him...
Her heart can't change.

Unable to fully accept this defeat
Afraid to give in
And see the conceit
Written across everyone's face
They knew what would happen
They had foreseen my fate
They saw what had been blind to me
And now to give in
Is not what I need
I played the fool as I poured myself out
I relished in the lies
Without the slightest doubt
But they knew and I was warned
I did not heed their thoughts
I deflected the negativity
It was not what I sought
So its my fault, yes
I unfortunately admit
But it's still hard to give in
And impossible to forget

I think it's unfair
How you treat me however you like
You arrogance astounds me
Your compassion is lost
My loyalty is a token of my tainted addiction
I look at you and lust
But I cannot submit
I will not hide
Your power will not defeat me
You created my curiosity
That fueled my obsession
I was hooked
But I'll no longer lower myself to you
Your dignified manner -
Your esteemed ego -
Will no longer fool me
This separation is necessary
This isolation is permanent
I cannot continue
So I won't

Breathless as your lips touch mine
And falling...
I'm too wrapped up in everything
I'm drowning
(In your eyes)
In your touch...
Your gaze stops me and I'm trapped
I can't keep going
And yet I can't back away
I can't stop
You grab my hand
And pull me closer
And I'm falling again
Down into your eyes
Away from reality
I'm trying to run away
Trying to escape
But I'm caught
As you pull me forward
A silence envelopes my mind
And I forget what I should do
And I fall.

I wish to be emotionless
To just forget I care
I no longer want to feel -
It hurts.
I want to move forward
Why can't I get away?
Can someone just remove -
This pain?
I'm alone inside my head
Escape is just a dream
I cringe as my hopes and dreams  -
Spill out.
I try and gather all my courage
But instead I run and hide
Scared of confrontation
My emotions are too high

I lay myself beside you
In hopes to feel complete
I want to feel whole again
So I use you
But of course it did not work
My emptiness expanded
And my hole grew deeper
You could not fulfill my need
You didn't want to
You used me as I used you
And we're both lost
We're searching for something
That no one can give
I just wish I could find it
- In you.

Push me
Guide me
Like me
Know me

Want me
Need me
Tell me
Show me

Trust me
Hold me
Hide me
Feel me

Bind me
Find me
Crave me
Have me

Believe me
Protect me
Surround me
Follow me

Control me
Respect me
Fight me
Love me...

A swirling field of chaos
Is haunting all my dreams
Relentless in it's search for power
Stalking up behind me
And pouncing at my fears
I'm taken by it's appeal
Too late to know I'm captured
When I'm already tumbling down
The only choice left is patience
See where the path leads me
Will the chaos ever cease?
I'm beginning to doubt my abilities
To fix what has been destroyed
To save what can't be fixed
My preparations are futile
For I cannot rely on a plan
When chaos is reigning high
I have no choice but to walk through
Slowing and deliberately, I face my fears
I face the field of chaos

My sanity decreases with each passing day
My ability to operate is getting hard to say
The difficulty is growing with no end in sight
The demons are multiplying without a sliver of light
There's no way I can continue this charade
When I have only myself everything begins to fade
The terror of my situation rises as the tide
The blankness of my mind is scary deep inside
Without a way to receive some help
There is nothing to save me from all I have felt
I'm hiding myself from this surrendered world
My intuitions are contrasting to all I've been told
Should I believe in myself or the things said to me
Or continue alone - I strive to be free.

She won't cry
He's not allowed to see
He's not allowed to know the pain she feels
She'll hold her head high
And hide her tears
He can't find out
That he's everything...
Every time he breathes
speaks...
moves...
She falls in love again
And remembers
That it can never be real
It can never be...
So she hides her pain
The truth...
And lies to herself
"It's not so bad"
"We can be friends"
"I don't need him"
Lies...
Just to keep from showing him
The truth in her heart

Silence -
presses against her heart
Slowly -
It begins to fall apart

Tears -
Fall gently down her cheek
Softly -
She give in to defeat

Painfully -
She rips her gaze away
Realizing -
There is nothing left to say

Reaching -
For what would never last
Falling -
Deeper into the past

Lost -
In a world not her own
Praying -
For a way to let go.

It stalks you
Slowly...Surely...
Following each footstep
You are the guide
It creeps up
Unnoticed
And ignored
It reaches for you
Stretches it's grip around
Until you are suffocated
You cannot peel away it's hold
You cannot fight away it's presence
It clamps down
Twists itself into you
Molds into your mind
And strangles your beliefs
You're brainwashed by it's appeal
Tainted by it's touch
Haunted by it's memory
Tempted.

Hatred is what burns you
What guides you
It is your passion
What feeds you
Diabolical...
It survives through you
Because it overcame you
And slowly you are destroyed
Devouring each moment
That which you hold dear
Those things you keep close
Are no longer secret to your hatred
It becomes you
It makes you
Your foundation is redefined
And you reevaluate your purpose
Until that purpose is deemed unworthy
Of your current goals
Hatred recreates you
Redirects your mind
What you once believed is shattered
What you once thought
Has died.

I sometimes wish that I could just forget things.
I just want to erase what has happened.
Pretend it never was there.
Forget how I felt.
I want to let it go.
Watch it drift away and feel secure in knowing that it will no longer effect me.
Feel relief watch over me as it slowly disappears.
I want to feel that freedom.
As the burden lifts away from my shoulders, I want to feel light.
As if I'm not missing anything.
As if I really am complete in what I have now.
Completion...a goal too high to achieve.
As long as the memories survive, I will always miss out on something.
As long as the feelings last, I will always feel that pull.
So I long to just forget.
It's so much better than acceptance.
I don't want to accept the inevitable.
I wanted to be different.
I wanted to be important.
So why can nothing distract me?
No matter what, it lingers.
A perfect fist around my heart that pulls.
A delicate mix of heartache and pain...
A defining mark on my existence.
I want to turn blind to this feeling.
It's reach should wrap around thin air instead of me.
Forget.
Let it pass.
Turn away.
But there is no way out.
No distance is too far...or far enough...away

As my tears fall down,
I wonder
How many more will be shed?
How many more can I hold?
They’re endless.
I can’t stem their flow.
Freely they cascade
Gently falling downward
Not seeming to give in.
I’m wounded.
Yet feel ashamed.
For what reason have I to complain?
What reason have I to cry?
So I’ve been hurt
I’ve been broken
I’ve let myself collapse.
It happens.
I just can’t see the end.
I don’t know where it will stop.
And without an end it sight - it’s permanent.
I can’t give up and give in,
But I can’t fight on.
Without anyone to rescue me I’m stuck.
Balanced between my pain and delusions.
Blinded by the tears that escape.
For each one that I corner and hold back,
A thousand more creep out.
And I shame myself by such emotion.
Because I know that I will be seen as weak.
As bothersome.
Because I cannot hold onto myself.

I want to give you up
Just give in
Leave this world behind that your created
Stop what we were
And what we could be
And move on with myself
I don't want to waste my time hoping
Wondering
Struggling with questions I can't answer
So just leave it be
I can't help but wonder where you are
Who you're with
When you'll be back...
So stay away
I don't want another chance
Or the opportunity to give you one
You failed
You've fallen
And I gave in to my grief over and over again
Because of you
Of what you've done
I longed for the chance to be more
To be everything
But now I'm praying it never comes
For to take that chance now
Is to give up what I have worked to achieve
Can I honestly just let it all go now?
Can I turn my back on everything?
I love you
My fallen angel.
But in time it will fade

I hate when you're around
Just a simple text message
Or phone call
I hate it.
I don't know how to hide it very well
And he sees
He knows
I don't want to upset him
But you're a threat
A problem
A nuisance
Something to be eliminated
But what can I do when he wants you around?
But swallow my fears
Push away my doubt
And smile at what I can't control

You ever think that your life can change in just one moment.

No matter what else happens, you know that that one moment held so much significance that you will never be the same again.

It can be tiny. Just a second, but you know in your heart that everything has changed.

You can't escape it.

You can't reject it.

You are just different.

And everything else is to.

It's just scary to think that we are created each moment.

We only have one direction.

We can't turn around.

Once we have decided something, then we carry on that path and each moment after feels like a new beginning.

Because it is.

Every thought unspoken, every breath not taken, every touch not given, every love not shared is one more moment that we can never get back.

We live too many minutes thinking about what we're doing and how it will affect us, that we miss our opportunities.

Can we not just jump?

Dive into the unknown?

Fall into the impossible…

For in only one moment, one second, we can all change.

Exist for those moments.

The ones that challenge you.

Scare you.

Define you.

The moments that make you who you are -

For they come at any time and there is no way to prepare.

I'm not sure how to talk to him
Should I just say what's on my mind?
Or keep it hidden?
I just want to open up again
I'm so closed off now
I don't want to put myself out
I don't want to end up disappointed
I don't want it to happen again...
But I hate how I am
I see everything as potential failure
I see where it's all gone
I'm just worried that I've let it all pass me by
That I gave up when I should have fought harder
That I said no when I should have said yes...
I see him
I miss him
Or do I miss that feeling?
Those butterflies
That joy
The moments of pure happiness
I didn't think of my stress
Or complications
Or drama
I saw him as the perfect distraction from all that
He took it all away
Or did he just cover it up?
I'm still questioning it all
And yet I can't deny that I was happy
As ignorant or oblivious as it might have been,
I was happy.
I want it back... those simple things
Nothing in life comes simple?
Everything happens for a reason?
Well, what about my current emotion?
Does it serve a purpose?
Does it have a direction?
Or am I just complaining of things long gone?
Oh.. I just want to hold tight to those feelings
I was happy.
Or was I in love?

Oh - feel that rush
It's different
It's more
It's everything
It's nothing
It's a chance
It's a hope
It's a moment
It's eternity
It's lost
It's here
It's now
It's tomorrow
It's yesterday
It's never
It's passion
It's devotion
It's a risk
It's a gift
It's a joke
It's exhilarating
It's definite
It's impossible
It's darkness
It's fear
It's a curse
It's a blessing
It's too much
It's too far
It's never enough
It's up
It's down
It's a fight
It's a surprise
It's empowering
It's defeat

It's me
It's you
Oh - it's love.

Overcome me please
Just take me over
Because I don't want to think anymore
I don't want to fight anymore
I just want to go
Forward please in this life
In this moment
Don't stop because I ask you to
Don't stop for my fears
I need to keep struggling with them
I need to push through them
Just take me over
Control me
I don't want the insecurities to rule me
I've wasted to much time
I'm losing hope
I'm losing my chance
Don't let me wait
Don't let me hold back
Conquer me
Defeat me
Blast down those useless walls
Promise me
Once
Twice
Forever
You'll be there
You'll fight for me
And with me
And don't let me be scared
Destroy that part of me that hides
That cowers
I don't want to give up anymore
I don't want to lose anything else
Take that option from me
Help me.

So,
show me you're different.
Just show me you're better.
Show me just how special you really are.
All that talk..
it has to be for something.
It had to mean something.
Show me that you are worthwhile.
Show me that I have reason to trust you.
Show me that you have merit.
Because I'm beginning to be disappointed.
All I see are the things you are trying to hide.
How you lie
How you cheat
How you use
All to get just what you want
And parade over the rest
pretending to be someone you aren't.
So,
who are you really?
Are you trust?
Loyalty?
Hope?
Are you scared?
Don't worry about your faults.
I won't judge you for them.
Imperfections make you human,
right?
So why am I so often demoralized because I make mistakes?
Why am such a failure in your eyes?
I'm not any different.
Besides the fact that I stood by you at your worst and yet, I am condemned for doing nothing but protecting you...
Yea... that's doesn't seem fair to me either.
You make the mistakes.
I guard them for you.
And yet, I'm the one that takes the fall.
Brilliant plan.
I never saw it coming.
And, sadly, I still care.
And I still hold hope.
Trust me,
I'm trying to give it up.
Because what the point anymore?
My loyalty stretches deep inside my very soul
and yours just happens to be a surface atrocity.
It's not your fault.
It's mine for thinking that we were aiming for the same goals.
Long term?
My bad.
Next time I'll read the fine print.

There's hardly a moment
When I'm not thinking of you
When I don't sit and wonder how you are
What you've been doing
When I'll get to see you again
I just keep hoping
That tomorrow will be different
And you'll end up in my arms again
But every new day comes
And I'm still alone
Counting my seconds
Counting each minute
And feeling my hope die with every day
I don't know how to hold on
When you're so far away
Is there anyway that you'll just come back to me?
Is there any chance of seeing you again?
It's slipping
Slipping away
The urge to keep fighting
Because as each moment goes by
I'm reminded that I don't have you

Ya know
When I reached out
I didn't expect that you would turn away
It left me speechless
That moment when I realized
That I was on my own
Instead of being held
And comforted
And supported
I was still alone
Abandoned again

It's the distance
The ever-present space
It's uncrossable
Defying me
But day by day I test it's limits
Hoping that in the barrier I feel,
The barrier that I can almost touch,
Has a weakness
So that I can slip in
And find my footing
And run
Run that distance between us
Leap across that boundary that hinders me
And cross into the impossible
The unthinkable
I strain to see what awaits
But it blurs and twists together
An obstacle as formidable as that barrier
And yet still I push
No blacks
No whites
Just a swirling mix of gray
I know not what I face
But I'm driven by determination
I'll find out one day
What is hiding in the shadows

It's a distance
A darkness
A feeling
That just consumes you
Breaks you
And tears you apart
You fight it
But still fall
Because you're weaker
And it's smarter
It knows how to prey on all your weaknesses
All your moments
And as you stand back trying to hold on
You realize that there is nothing you can do
Because it doesn't creep
It attacks
It's not slow
It's a tornado
One second you're whole
The next you're scattered into a thousand pieces
And you're just fighting to survive
It destroys you
And laughs at the destruction

Become someone incredible
That way,
When you finally find the strength to look yourself in the eye,
You don't flinch
You don't hide
You stand tall
And you find a reason to smile
To be proud
To feel like you've accomplished something
Become amazing
The person you always said you were
The person you always claimed to be
The person that they think you are
Because you should be that person
That belief in you that those people hold
That should be your goal
Your dream
And ultimately,
That should be your destination
Because once you decide
You'll be there
You'll be the person you were scared to hope for
You never thought you would end up there
And you're so relieved that you did
Become the unthinkable
The undeniable
The undefinable
Become yourself
Minus the fears

Tempt me
Oh push me just a little further
Let me feel it
Let me taste it
Give me something I can't handle
Just drop me off the edge
So I can blame you
And just give in
Fall down
And catch myself in your arms
Give me my excuse
And wrap me up
Just don't stop what you're doing
Don't think
Don't let me go
Because the more I wait
The worse it becomes
I just want a moment with you
I just want to know
If it's as amazing as it seems
Or if I'm creating a fantasy
Don't drag me any more
Take me
Use me
Destroy me

It only seems like we have seconds -
Only seconds of clarity
Only those blink of an eye moments
When it's all clear
And we understand so perfectly
Why is has all happened
Why it all unraveled
And why we held on for so long
And as soon as we finally see,
It's gone.
The fog rolls back in
And all that understanding
Turns into the gray it previously was

You broke me
One piece at a time
Tore me down
All that I had fought for
All that I had hoped for
It all fell in piles around me
And as I reached out to try and catch it,
I find myself a second too slow
And I lifetime behind
And I see the failures growing in size around me
And here I am
Watching it
With no control
Because of you
You came into my life and took over
You came in and destroyed it all
So what do you expect me to do?
After all that happened,
What did you leave me with?
Besides all that I need to pick up.
And there you are
And it's too far away

How do you do it?
Just put yourself in that position?
Over and over again?
And still come up with excuse after excuse to justify your actions
Or should I say, his actions?
It amazes me how many footprints you have across your face.
And yet you lay down, and just let him keep walking.
And you tell me how things are different,
Every other week or so...
It's not good enough.
And you know it.
I just wish there was something more I could do.
Something more I could say.
I just wish I could help.
Because I sit here and it eats at me.
I can never say enough.
And I know it's not my place.
I know it's your life.
But at the same time, you come to me for a reason.
I will support you through everything.
You know that.
I've proven that.
But I really need a guide book now
Because there is nothing I can say that will make this right.
You're falling apart.
And as I try to help you pick yourself back up,
You turn around and go back to the same old pattern.
And I just bow my head and follow you
Hoping that one day, you'll keep walking.
I'll never give up.
I don't want you to worry about that.
I'll always be here.
But don't get mad at me for being honest.
This isn't right.
And you tell me that it's not every time we talk.
And yet, you're stuck.
Lost in love?
I guess I can try to understand that,
But then again, I'm cynical
And hardly the person to give advice on that subject.
I just wish that,
For once,
You words and your actions matched.
And if it was really meant to be,
That boy would fall in step
And be the person you know he can be
Instead of being the person he is getting away with being.
He knows that he has you trapped.
Wrapped around his pinkie.
(And honey, that should be the other way around.)
He's just basking in it,
He has won.
And with all your sacrifices
And all you've done
It will never be enough.
Because tomorrow will come,
And you'll see again
That you have more groveling to do.
And more **** to take.
And lose more and more of your pride,
Self-respect,
And independence
As each second passes.
But I'm here for you.
And I'll tell you everyday,
You are amazing.
And beautiful.
And one day,
You'll have everything you deserve.

Solid
Void of all chains and rules
Independent yet flighty
A dangerous combination
Defenseless...
Help
Shadows lurk and dissipate
Rendering the subject senseless
Descent into Hell.

Of the darkness that takes my breath
It is only yours I seek
Silent
Falling heavily on our hearts
It's destiny
Two souls connecting in a flurry of mind and body
Detached from reality
A resounding whisper
Tangible, but almost unperceived
A delicate balance of fallen heroes and starving hope
I seek the future
And yet, have found an abyss
A pull so strong that my world seems to lay baited
On the possibilities that could be
Deftly defying all odds
I'm swept up
Impervious to ailment and frailty
Only set up for one purpose
To seek that which you hold
To be that which you are
And become that which we were made to be
As one.

Smooth -
Slowly running down your skin
Dangerous -
For you cannot control what's next
A devious grin
Combined with a solid hold
Trapped -
By an overwhelming desire
For one more touch
One more moment
Of complete abandonment
Silenced by the heat in your gaze
Breathless -
Trembling -
Taken.

The heat of your gaze is piercing my skin
Is penetrating the wall I had erected around me
It's testing every limit
And finding every crack in my, otherwise, immaculate facade
Even the tiniest flaw has grown giant
And the slightest push
Brings it all crashing down
Defying even the strongest of barriers
The force being pressed against me in undeniable
I'll have to submit
I lose ground every second
To your perfection
The glint in your eye
Speaks of a delicious evil
That I can't help but yearn for
And the more I hold myself down
The more I find myself reaching out
Just to have another taste
Of the treasures you bring me
My resistance amuses you
And you encourage my refusals
Just so you can feel yourself break me again and again
Every time you take me
The battle is yours

Deliver me
From the pit I stand at
Teetering at the precipice
Flirting with disaster
Just hoping for a little strength to take the step back
Or the push that sends me over the edge
Flying off
And plummeting below
Watch me
As I dance at the surface
And tease the demons lurking beneath me
And as I cross the point of no return
Pray for me
That I find the chance to turn around
From the path that leads me astray
Test me
As I keep up my games
And distract myself from my responsibilities
Give me hope
And hold your breath
As I choose to bathe myself in darkness
And tumble with the secrets and desires of evils far beyond me
Just keep holding on
As I careen around in the shadows
As I try to disappear

Don't you want to feel it?
All that sensation
Falling across your body
That tingling feeling that just caress's you from head to toe
Don't you want to know what it's like?
And as each fingertip touches feather-light across you
Do you feel your toes curl?
Your back arch?
And your mind explode?
Do you feel yourself crashing?
Falling into an oblivion
Willingly
Freely
Wildly
Feel yourself becoming weightless and delirious
The hair falling across your face
The hands sliding over your skin
Just sending you spinning and spinning
Dipping below the edge of no return
Daring you to just try and catch your breath
Whispering promises and secrets that only your skin can feel
The touch of such promiscuity
Of such emotion
The touch of pure passion and aggression
And nothing holding you down
Gravity dissolving
And you're airborne
Higher than ever before
Holding on with both hands
Gripping for your life
To the only thing that matters
This moment
This place and time
And these waves plunging in and out of your mind, body and spirit
Dependent on nothing
Waiting for no one
No hope
No fear
Just this perfection surrounding you
And this moment of completion
Your current bliss

This is just the moment where I give up
I stop dreaming of a change
I just move on
Away
And leave all my hopes on the ground
Shed a tear for each one that falls
But continue on
And as they fall away
Become more numb with each step
One
Two
Three
And they continue to rain down
I held on to all I could
And just watched as they all became meaningless
Watched as I became meaningless
And now I let my dreams pour out
I let them go
With no more reason to fight
And no more hope left
For they will never come to pass
As it is not in my future
Step again
Wishing to find a piece to hold
But still it all slips away
Reaching out to nothing
Because I no longer have a path
Panic
Disbelief
Numbness
And those hopes keep dropping around me
As one by one I let them go

I don't understand
how one things turns into another
how you turn around
and it's gone
the time
the place
the memory
swept right away
it's confusing
this disappearance
and you cry out
hoping against hope
that it's hiding
right in front of you
but the more you go on
the more you lose
and most of the time you don't even realize it
you just discover it one day
that everything isn't as it once was
and you're floating along a different path
it's better than it just being ripped away
it's better than that free fall feeling
the one where it seems like you'll never reach land
and when you do
you are crushed
into a million tiny pieces
and you pick each one up
and try to fit yourself back together
only to realize
that you'll never be able to find all the pieces
you'll forever be only a part of what you once where
and all those bits you lose
those are what you long for most
you can't miss what you still have
so you dwell on that that got away
that which abandoned you
or that got lost
I'm just trying to understand it all
that silly game of life we play
we never get what we set out for
no matter what you might think
we're all just pawns for others
just pieces
of one giant puzzle
that we will never see completed
because it's not ours
it never was ours
and it never will be

I saw you briefly yesterday
Just a fleeting glimpse
And yet it all came rushing back...
Everything became more than a memory
It was more than the past
I felt everything so clearly
I saw myself light up at the sight of you
I heard my voice sound giddy
Just the simple act of seeing you
Changed my mood that day
For the moment, I lost track of everything that had changed
I was with you again
I saw you has I had in the past
My reaction was as if things had never gone wrong
And my happiness astounding me
I thought of rushing towards you
To wrap myself in a hug long since gone
And as I moved, I realized the truth
The moment had occurred so quickly that I had fooled myself
You were not mine
As you have not been mine for a long time yet
You didn't even notice me standing there
My face filled with such longing that it could not be contained
You didn't even notice me...
But I saw you yesterday.

They all live in their own little worlds.
A place that I don't understand really..
I mean, how can you fool yourself so completely?
How can you lead yourself to believe such lies?
They walk around as if they can't be wrong.
They can't be touched.
They're invincible.
And in a way - I envy them.
Their careful ways.
Their nonchalant attitudes.
But then their cluelessness catches up.
I know better than to want that life.
I know better than to convent their ways.
Because their little worlds are full of deceit.
Of pretty images, but no real substance.
It's just a picture.
Instead of reality - they chose ignorance.
They ignore what's right in front of them
And they shun whatever tries to show them the truth.
And that thing
That person
That very truth
Becomes nothing to them.
Instead of listening - they discard.
Instead of understanding - they throw it away.
They blame it on the messenger.
The part that threatens their "peaceful" existence.
It's all just a mask.
A charade.
They refuse to see.
They refuse to look.
They refuse what is true.
And then they act like they cannot be wrong.
And they're untouchable.
Oh - how they fool themselves.
And each other.
Each living a lie so profound -
That they ignore the obvious.
And each not caring how oblivious the other is.
As long as THEIR world stays intact, who cares about the others?
As long as they get their fix - their need - their assurances
Why bother worrying about anyone else?
It gets darker the farther you go.
The more you look at it - the worse it seems.
But no one really seems to care.
It's all about the image.
Does it look ok?
Do they act happy?
Are they showing too much emotion today?
Are they showing too much fear?
Because they all know that one day it will fall apart.
The little world they created.
The little act they set up.
It won't last.
Not in reality.

The colors are amazing
I've never seen such a mixture of oranges and yellows
Reds and Blues
I'm entranced
Swept up by it's intoxicating dance
As the licks of flames grow closer
I'm fascinated
Swirling around me
Faster and faster
I could never imagine such beauty
I have never seen such passion
Spinning
Spinning...
I'm caught up in it's motion
Delirious with joy
At being able to share in such glory
At being able to witness such freedom
Such reckless abandonment
I'm losing myself
How could I deny such power?
How could I refuse?
I'm becoming but a color myself
Dependent on nothing
Defiant
It seeks to consume everything
And it consumes me
The more I participate in it's dance
The farther I am from what I want
Although I do not fear
It offers me life as I have never felt
I'm offered
Eternity?
But no...
I'm burning alive.

I’m amazed at people.
What have I done?
You think that you could handle yourself so much better?
Do you honestly believe that you would do what’s right?
What is right?
Who are you to judge?
Your opinion and my opinion won’t match up.
Have they ever?
Have we ever completely agreed?
I’m shocked...
To think that someone whom I count on so much
Can’t even express to me what they think...
Can’t even come to me about MY mistakes.
Instead you hover at a distance,
Hold your head high,
And judge my actions.
Like you could do so much better with my life.
Like you could reach perfection.
As if you could really be me.
Experience my emotion.
Get inside my mind.
And tremble at what you discover.
There is no way to imitate me.
There is no way to predict me.
So you cannot say that you know best.
Confront me for once!
Stand up for yourself.
Stop making ME come to YOU.
I’m tired of being the foundation.
As you allow me to crumble...do you realize what you’ve done?
As I fall apart - so do you.
As I tumble down - so does all we stand for.
Will you allow it so easily?
So readily?
Accept my demise?
I fear that you will.
I’m scared of what you’ll do.
Or...what you won’t do...

...for me.

You ever reach the moment
when enough is enough?
You want nothing more to do with a person
or a situation
or an issue?
You just think it's time for it to disappear?
Well,
I'm having that moment.
It's time for this ******* to stop.
It's time for this to end.
I've had enough.
I fight too hard for things that I'll never acheive.
I believe in people too much.
I have too much faith in the "good" in people
that I blind myself to the "bad".
It's over.
There is no turning back.
Sadly, I have reached my limit.
I feel like I've wasted my time.
Nothing has been accomplished,
but I did everything in my power.
I beat myself up over and over and over again
and for what?
Just to fail...
But can I really look at it as failure when I had no control over the situation?
It was not my choice.
I can't control people.
I can't predict people.
I can only count on those close to me.
I can only count on that which makes me secure
and I hate that my insecurities overcame me.
I hate that my attempts were all in vain.
I wanted to salvage something.
I wanted to believe that my feelings had some purpose,
but I suppose it's just become a lesson.
I should never think that it will always work out as I want.
Some things are just not meant to be.
Or else...they need more time,
but my impatience controls me.
I cannot just let time pass without action.
I need to feel as if I'm doing something,
as if I'm trying something...
I need to feel as if I'm fixing it
only to realize that I have fixed nothing.
Instead, I pushed it too far.
But I'm not really trying to blame me.
Because it's not my fault.
Why place the blame on me when I was the only one fighting?
When I was the one who really wanted to make things right?
How dare people claim that I don't care!
You've never met anyone who cared more.
You've never met anyone who tries harder.
You've never met anyone who believes in people more.
You've never met anyone who exhausts every effort.
You've never met anyone who would do anything for anyone.
You've never met anyone who is quite like I am.
And if you don't believe these things about me,
then honestly, you've never really met me at all.
Because those who know me, know this about me:
I will always be there.
I will never give up.
I will never go away.
I will never drop you.
I will never harm you.
But that is only if I am given the same treatment.
I do not make friends for fun.
I make friends for real.
And to lose one, kills me.
But I can't always be the one that fixes it,
especially if the other side wants nothing to do with it anymore.
I'm stuck at the mercy of someone else.
My control is gone.
And now I can only accept the inevitable.
One day...there will be regret.
But it won't be mine.

If I could give it a name, I'd call it unforgettable.
I'd call it unimaginable.
Absolutely amazing... and yet, it slipped away.
If I had known, I'd have held on tighter.
I would have fought harder.
I would have put in the effort that it deserved.
I would have.. had I the slightest inkling that I would end up here.
I would tear my heart out and place it in front of you.
Take it. Keep it. Just don't destroy it.
I would have let go of all those fears that I let whisper in my mind.
I would have washed away all the doubts that crowded my thoughts.
I would have ignored all the things I was told.
It would have been different and I would not be here.
These thoughts would not keep slipping into my brain.
My hands would not tremble when I reached out.
I would finally be able to catch my breath.
I'd sleep.. finally.. if I had known.
I could have changed it, but I allowed myself to fall down.
I shed away and that is my ultimate failure.
It could have been forever and instead, I let it become never.
I would have been the person that we talked about.
And I would have the future that I had hoped for.
The love that I had always craved was right beside me and I walked away in fear and anger.
I let myself be swayed and it was gone.

It slides
The only indication that there is any regret
The only proof of what you truly feel
From the corner of your eye
Down the curvature of your cheek
To gently swoop to the base of your lip
Quickly, you catch it on a fingertip and fling it away
No longer will it blow your cover
You are stronger than that
(Or so you say)
And no one will know the difference
Because no one saw

It's a bit different than it once was
A little harder to breathe
A tad shakier standing back up
And obviously, not enough effort to brush the dirt off
So it just sticks there
As a reminder that the fall was a doozie
A real eye opener
(Or closer if I do say so myself)
Definitely different than before
It seems impossible that the bruises should ever heal
And those scraps?
Oh, they'll be scars one day
But when?
It's difficult to say
Plenty of time to find out though
One step forward is all it'll take
To begin the process of moving on
But as the dust begins to settle
And falls like salt on the open wounds
It's as if the brain is no longer in control
Turn around
Walk
Move
But no, instead you just fold your arms around yourself and watch
Reliving over and over again the disastrous fall
And the bittersweet journey that took you there