Menu
Hello. You have reached Hietter House.
Please listen carefully as our menu options
Have been redesigned to serve you better.
If you are calling from a Touch Tone phone,
Please press, now, as many buttons as you
Can at the same time- if you hold your fingers
Horizontal rather than perpendicular to the
Buttons , the maximum number can be depressed.
If you wish to speak to a living human being, pour
Yourself a stiff drink, get comfy, and press P for patience.
If you are calling from a cell phone and ready to toss
It out the window, please press S, then O, then S.
If you are calling from a pay phone and ready to
Rip it off the wall, pound the pound key instead.
If by now you are totally frustrated and tempted to strangle
Yourself with the phone cord, please press K for Kevorkian.
If however you are calling to contribute to the Jimmy
Fund or to publish the Hietter poems, please stay on
The line, and an agent will be with you immediately:
“Greetings, beloved benefactor, this is Jimmy.”