Like the salty breeze
You and your cigarette smoke
Invaded my air
Visions of blue and grey
Sweep my mind blank
I look down to your fingers
Clutching your cross
Teasing god
Along with my thoughts
I whisper your name
Over and over
Like a forgotten rose
I feel your bitter thorns
Bruise my skin
But I let them ***** me again
Hoping that the same breeze that
Brought you to me
Will have the decency to
Let you stay

I dream of you
Mostly when I'm sad
Or alone
For a moment I forget
You're gone
I get caught up
In the moment of
Disbelief
Maybe that's why
I intentionally put
Myself in situations
I can't win
That way
When the sadness
Ensues
I just
Close my eyes and
Dream of you

Your ubiquitous influence
Transcended my presence
Causing me to lose
Myself
I turn my back for a second
And your words
Haunt me every time
I took to you like a
Fish in a river
You ****** me up
And I was content
Until
My own thoughts began to
Spill over

I look at you
And suddenly
I feel the lump
Of bitterness in
My throat
Swell
And I'm left
Wondering what
Did I do wrong
I gave you
My moon
My stars
All of my
Cosmos and
Galaxies
And just as
I thought you
Would do the
Same
You
*Supernova'd

I didn’t prepare
Myself to stand
Quietly on the
Sidelines of your
Life
I wanted nothing
More than to cheer
You on right by
Your side
But you told me
That you didn’t
Need a fan
So I took the hint
Found a seat
On the cold
Bleachers
And tried my
Hardest
Not to breathe
Heavily in your
Direction

As you count
The number of
Times the sea
Kisses the shore
I count how many
Freckles I will
Have to kiss
Before my lips and
Your cheeks
Become well
Acquainted

I have never been
Too fond of
Waking up
Especially from a
Dream of you
Which has been
Quite Regular
Lately
I have become
Consumed
With a desire
For you
Not lust
No this feeling is
Much more
Pure
Almost natural
It comes as easily
To me as
Counting the
Flower petals
Before I whisper
Quiet questions
I already know
The answers to

August 4th, 1992
That night
My heart began beating
To the rhythm of
Two words
Samantha Shea
My baby girl
She was 9 pound 6 ounces
Of pure love and joy

Her mother’s eyes
My ears
But her smile
Was all her own
She seemed almost wise
Just staring blankly back
At me
Like she knew me
Better than I knew myself
I have never loved anyone
So much

I tried to give her all I could
Make her feel like a real princess
Make her feel safe
And loved
She grew up with things
Her mother and I
Only dreamed of as children
But she was never selfish
Never unkind

I never knew
How much she hated herself
Until I noticed that her arms
Made her look like war veteran
And her eyes
Like those of a ghost
A lost soul wandering around
Lost and Suffering

Could it be that hard
To be a teenage girl
Could it be that hard
To have everything
Handed to you
Everyone love you

That night I saw her as
Nothing but selfish and unkind
I mean how could she do this to us
To herself
I looked her in the eyes and asked
Why
With a single tear running down her face
Resembling a winter’s first snowflake
Or a desert’s first raindrop
She let out the words
“I wasn’t meant for this world”
No you were meant for me
You are my world

I wanted to wipe her tears
And heal her scars
Her years of fear and self-loathing
Was no match for my love
My compassion
My understanding

I spent the next two weeks
Helpless, lost, and confused
By the time we had found her
The bath water was as cold as my heart
The floor stained with drops of
Complete sadness
No note
I cried until I was
Red in my face and
Blue in my heart

A parent should never
Have to bury their child
So we had her cremated
We figured that
She spent 16 years
Stuck in her own box
She shouldn’t have to be
Buried in one

I’ve never loved anyone
So much