It's a dangerous game I play
Kicking against the dead weight
A sullen ghost laughing behind backs
Daring heads to turn
Victorious when they don't
A treacherous game that kills me
Keeping the dream alive
Well past it's shelf life suspended
Fanning the sparks of cruelty
Battling the guilt
An ominous game of hide and seek
Hunting for treasures that aren't lost
They're right where they're supposed to be
But you don't know that, do you?
And so the fun begins

If there's one thing I regret in this life
It's that I wasted my finely honed gift of telepathy
On Internet dice games

Free apps, obviously designed
To stave off pure boredom
And **** precious time

Free games, without even a small pay-off
Free games, worth every penny
Free games, not so much the skill of telepathy

Dice games, the luck of the roll
Dice games, immune to strategy of any kind
Dice games, not so much the skill of telepathy

It's times like these I rue the day
I came to the realization
The wells of telepathy had run dry

The deep ocean of telepathy sopped up
With the proud assurance that I knew exactly
When my opponent would roll or bank

I could have been a diplomat, read some leaders' minds
Or a well respected advisor, or even a CIA spy
I could have made a killing, a fortune teller's wage

A gift that kept on giving because people want to know
From where they once were coming and where they soon will go
Or something half as simple as a failsafe "yes" or "no"

I could have done a lot of things
But only one thing that I would
Kick some *** playing Farkle

And yea though I feel some regret
And yea though this decision seems drastic
Come, all ye faithful, watch me kick your ***** at Farkle

There you are
I'm sorry
I gave up on you
I forgot what you felt like
Filling the emptiness I had come to believe
Was all that existed

I take no comfort in knowing
I've won this time
It was just another game
I rolled the dice not knowing
What the bones would show
Bound by rules to abide
I entered into this commitment
Numb and naive
With experience to recommend, not strategy
With no celebration of victory
Still I hold out hope for the next
A prayer for luck and fate
Not for the win
But the pleasure of the challenge

The man kept saying "My nerves are shot"
He kept repeating, "My nerves are shot, my nerves are shot"
His nerves were shot, they were frazzled
His nerves were ******* electrical hazzards
And I was the ******* who shot them to ****

He broke his fist, put a hole in the wall
The man was ******, he knocked a hole in the wall
Fell to his knees, he was broken
Said a lot of things, left a lot more things unspoken
And I was the ******* who put him back together

For days and days
Seemed that it would never end
How could he make up for the days
He stopped trying to pretend
That he loved me

The man is saying "I don't remember"
He keeps repeating, "I don't remember, I don't remember"
He has forgotten all of the little details
A mental block on the memories that would **** him
And I'm the ******* who wants him to remember

When the sun goes down
So the night sky can boast
An infinitude of stars
All the day can ask
For the hours it has given
Is that we close our eyes
And Be

When the moon turns the tides
It's reflection in still water
Assures the sun is on the other side
Always shining
Never failing
To warm with it's rays
To Be

When you think of those who love you
Of those whom you believe
Of what they expect of you
Of what from  you they need
Those precious ones demand nothing
It's more than enough, you'll see, just
To Be

I touched your face
You were asleep that night but I watched you
Wake up from a dream
I turned to hold you
The silence broken by a whisper
Wishing it would rain

It could rain for forty days and forty nights
I'd still be by your side
And when the land was dry
I'd still love you

I raised my voice
You were so bitter that it scared me
To think of what I'd lost
And what you'd gain
If I just walked out and left you
Would you even care?

Would you care about a foolish broken man?
Or would you understand
That I still loved you

You walked away
I was asleep that night but I heard you
Or was it all a dream?
You touched my face
And I knew your heart was empty
I took too much from you

I'm sorry for the things I put you through
Every dream that won't come true
Because I loved you

I know I could break your heart
With one instinct, one hunch
You'd fall to your knees
Either begging or praying
As if they weren't the same thing

With each moment that passes
The heart turns to stone
The flesh dies in time
Still the spirit lives on
Twisted air inhabiting life

Get inside my head, why don't you
Try to understand
From where I've gained this power
What it is and what it means
How I don't even have to do a thing
To strap the heavy burden of regret to your back
You'll carry it until the light of forgiveness dawns upon you
Or until the darkness of helpless realization
Makes it heavier still
Heavier and harder to slough off

Yes, you'll fall to your knees
I'll be the one who knocked you down
Without moving a muscle
Not a single thought of mine necessary

I don't want to do this
You made me
You gave me the power, yes
You
Not even knowing
Clueless as it became stronger
Not even realizing what it was
You were doing
No idea the damage

My great transgression was letting you

When I'm judged
For every moment I've sinned
My punishment will be knowing
I'd opened up just wide enough
For you to jump in
Not knowing how to swim
And for giving you a reason
To hit your knees
Begging and Praying

I never hoped to be a sage or a seer
I'm just another singer reaching for a song
Tired of asking the eternal questions
Not knowing if the answers that I think I've found are wrong
I've been looking out for something to believe in
But faith is hard to come by in these times
And I can't help but judge myself severely
Who can take the punishment and fit it to the crime?

I think I'm walking backwards
I don't trust my own mind
I hope I'm doing the right thing
Leaving all these things behind

I spent all my life searching for the meanings
Of some things I was never meant to know
Always on the outside, looking inside
Knowing I should leave but never knowing where to go
And all I know could fit inside a thimble
Just a drop of wine in the bottom of a glass
Frightened of the last breath I'll be breathing
There is no comfort now in knowing all things, too, must pass

I think I'm walking backwards
I don't trust my own mind
I only hope I'm doing the right thing
Leaving all these things behind

So if I seem a prisoner of my own thoughts
If I seem to mock reality
If my mind seems to slip into oblivion
I'm looking for the things I know are there but still can't see
I'll satisfy my soul with poets' nonsense
I'll be content with someone else's song
Their memories will keep me from believing
That all the things I thought were real, vapors all along

I don't want to walk away from you
But you know I've lost my mind
I hope I've done the right thing
Now that I've left it all behind

I never hoped to be a sage or a seer
I'm just another singer reaching for a song
Tired of asking the eternal questions
Not knowing if the answers that I think I've found are wrong
I've been looking out for something to believe in
But faith is hard to come by in these times
And I can't help but judge myself severely
Who can take the punishment and fit it to the crime?

I think I'm walking backwards
I don't trust my own mind
I hope I'm doing the right thing
Leaving all these things behind

I spent all my life searching for the meanings
Of some things I was never meant to know
Always on the outside, looking inside
Knowing I should leave but never knowing where to go
And all I know could fit inside a thimble
Just a drop of wine in the bottom of a glass
Frightened of the last breath I'll be breathing
There is no comfort now in knowing all things, too, must pass

I think I'm walking backwards
I don't trust my own mind
I only hope I'm doing the right thing
Leaving all these things behind

So if I seem a prisoner of my own thoughts
If I seem to mock reality
If my mind seems to slip into oblivion
I'm looking for the things I know are there but still can't see
I'll satisfy my soul with poets' nonsense
I'll be content with someone else's song
Their memories will keep me from believing
That all the things I thought were real, vapors all along

I don't want to walk away from you
But you know I've lost my mind
I hope I've done the right thing
Now that I've left it all behind

I had the right to tell the delusional kid
"You don't know what love is"
I could see it plain as day
I said it full well knowing
I hadn't a clue myself
Does anyone?
Because it changes
It grows or decays
Depending on what who knows?
It is or it isn't
According to whom if it's not returned?
Maybe there you have it
Love is given, returned only if it's real
But that delusional kid
Who thought love was collapsing his world
He wouldn't have known his own face in the mirror
So shadowed it was by hope
Naivete brought him down, not love
Hope is a pale substitute after so long

"Who needs rules? Rules are for fools! I'm the King of the Bees!"
              - Buzby, the King of the Bees*

Today the dank atmosphere brought down heavy curtains of fine high thread count cotton a magic carpet ride for a colony of lost bed bugs sturdy and steady so steady and sturdy it crushes my back when it descends down down down to crush the ever loving **** out of me so I pretend to pray

Pretend to pray because all my life I seem to have gotten it wrong they must have wanted more than I could give I couldn't talk to.someone I couldn't see and who who would at least acknowledge that I was being listened jim Morrison loudly proclaimed "YOU CANNOT PETITION THE LAWD WITH PRAYAH" time I thought that seemed pretentious but though I don't doubt the possibility that the LAWD may in his ****** way answer some of those impertinent petitions I a.) don't know those people or b.) slightly resent the fact that he's done so much for swindlers, charlatans, and scammers but never saw fit to send me the super sized blessing we been waiting for

But I was provided for and for that I am grateful tomorrow I'll be dispatched to see the grade school kiddies (just before they get slapped with a  handfuls of mercenary stew)
This  p
an suffocates

Maybe for the sleepy
A song
"We won't wake up tomorrow
So celebrate
On the ***** blvd
With Lou Reed

The goal is to make a big statement
To stitch your heart on your sleeve
Tell everyone to watch it bleed
Roll out maps
Plot out universes smaller than a grain of sand
Witness the subtle transformation
Of the man
Into the god
Then back again
Open your bedroom doors and share
The smell of ***
Or give away the key
To your three lock box
It's so much harder capturing the essence
Of the genuine article
Because love ain't always what you think it is
Some people don't realize they're drowning in it
And that's a big statement
But it's true
It ain't just a feeling
And it ain't all there is
But sometimes
It's the only thing
Worth writing about

I'm gonna motivate my love tractor
From the east coast to the west
Feel it's horsepower beneath my ***
The scorching heat from the exhausts
Blistering my legs
Throwing back rock and gravel
Scattering anything in my way
I want to see the ocean before I die
I want to stop at the Grand Canyon on the way
And a dozen greasy spoons
And a dozen more biker bars
It all leads my ***** *** to the beach
Might as well be the Ganges
Baptise me in that great body of water
I love huge bodies of water
Lakes, rivers, seas...but never seen the ocean
I could make it on a Harley
Overcome my fear
Do it by myself
Biker clubs are insane
They're where I need to be
I've been listening to Steppenwolf
All my life
Get that hog out on the road
The highway and the hog is all that exists
It's another of those "becoming One" situations
I can handle it
Stay on the state highways
Avoid interstates
Maybe I should start getting high again every day
Smoking **** at least 3 times a day
Why don't I think that would still make  me happy?
But it's cut into my short term memory
It's been cruel and even driven me to my knees
I have a healthy fear of what it's capable of
But if I could ride a Harley cross country
Surely I could handle doing it high as a kite
Biker girls, sorry to break your hearts
I got a respectable old lady who won't sit on the seat of a Harley
We have discussed parameters
But the sum total is you won't be getting what you want
That doesn't mean you might not get something and something valuable and life-changing at that
It's all at my discretion
Because biker girls sweep me off my feet
And the "look but you better not touch" rule is a little too strict
Especially when we make it to the ocean
Our naked bodies like a school of shark in shallow Pacific liquid
Just a **** or two before jumping in the water
Feel in good, like singing with John Kaye
******* the pusher man
My Harley-Davidson's caked with mud and sea salt, dripping gooey red dirt
Watch over 'em for me
Cuz we gonna be here for awhile

I write under my own name
A crushing weight of fear and shame
To remind myself
During times when I needed reminding
I'm good with alphabet soup
Words flow almost easy
Pulling your own teeth form your gums
A piece of spinach clings to my left incision
So that when I open my mouth
Just long enough to crack a smile
The spinach is a flat blackgreen
In dark environments
I may have scared a lot of people
Children in general
Without mincing words
My tooth is falling of of its own accord
I dare you to put in your mouth

I'm here to run off the John Mellencamps
To take the tops of the female hippies
Toss them into the air and stand back
They are going to crime like mommas
Missing their daddies
And daddies missing their sons

Melodrama don't care
He's got a 2/@@©aS
He's outta he-hurt
Making appointments with a guy sell small tortilla chips
But he expects that from melodrama

Nobody expects her to fall asleep in a large silk bed
But she does, and the only thing she should be concerned
about.
They may well lying on their stomach
Laying their heads on the ground so they could
Hear what's going on down there.

Wouldn't you like to know.
No! I do not want to watch her

Side 1
1. "I Lied When I Said (I'd Love You Forever)"
2. "Endearing Habits (Not Quite So Endearing Anymore)"
3. "Take Her, She's Mine"
4. "Two Jokes, One Punchline"
5. "Time Will Tell, You Won't Age Well"
6. "I'm Eatin' Out Tonight"

Side 2
1. "Bedtime Stories (Gettin' Me Off)"
2. "Sit Down, This is Gonna Hurt"
3. "Time (The Master Healer)"
4. "I'm a Grape"
5. "Over the Counter Love Affair"
6. "Master of the Obvious (Pleased to Meet Me"

Sparrows darting heaven bound
Surrender to the breeze
To become one
With air
In free fall blown
A moment to float
A  moment to know
As they are known

Learn to love the smell of the stench
Then close your eyes and realize
That what you see
Is all there will ever be
Embrace the silence
The hardest thing to do
Everything that stands around you
Is meaningless
Impermanence reigns
Like it or not
Civilizations are spawned to crumble
Doomed to disappear
The grandest dream a mere vapor
Mist evaporating in mid-air
Absorb this wisdom
Let it permeate your intellect
See the devil in the details
And know that you were never truly a part of it
This cesspool you've subconsciously ignored
Your whole life
Is not your home
You are forever

For hours I tossed and turned
     trying to decide
     if mania had come back to mess with my head
     or just the aged mattress on this king sized bed,
     much too big, swallowing me instead

Back into the spiral of dull vertigo
     the gravitational pull contorts my face
     so long, so hard, the grimace stays in place
     "your face will get stuck frowning", mother would say

I laughed at her then
I'm not laughing today

The lights are out
I'm trying to feel my way
Through the dark
Got turned around somehow
Into something completely unfamiliar

Vertigo tugs at my guts
I don't want to admit it
I've forgotten the pathways through my own home
I'm completely lost without your map to guide me
Stumbling around in the dark calling out your name
Your name and help
Your name and it's so dark
It's black-night dark and your name
Hurled from my lips in desperation
Deep muddy water desperation
Thickened quicksand inviting me in
There for no other purpose than to consume
To **** me into the earth
To fill my mouth and stop it up
From calling out your name
Your name and the dark become
The only things I have left in the world
Being ripped from me even now
Why so dark?
Where did that hole come from anyway?
I don't remember it being there
I don't remember much of anything
Even as I try to feel my way through
Knowing full well that the right path along the wall
Will lead me to the bedroom

This time the maze tricked me
The more I realized you were there
The more I knew I'd never reach you
Because this house wants nothing to do with me anymore

To think there will come a time
When the only things I'll remember about this day
Are black-night darkness and
Your name

Hanging onto a thin thread of certainty now,
Gravity anchors me
Were it not for this covered cage
I would rise
A blanket covered cage
Draped by a loved one with my own best interests at heart
"Sleep" she says
"Sleep and rest"

I don't sleep anymore
The string's been cut
I know nothing
It's all a blur to me now

By the time the nuclear bombs blast
Peppering the terrain in every corner of the world
We'll be so weary of the world
We'll bow before the flash bulb shock
And thank the Holy Law of Physics
For delivering us from it
A place where compassion requires too many limits
Where looking out for number one reveals
Number one is a right *******
No better than number two
Who won't be satisfied until he's number one
We've seen too much with our eyes
Too many times shown the weakness in our values
Trust no one, least of all yourself
It's only the grace of wonder
That keeps us from slaying each other outright
So it can't come soon enough
Christen AWACs the new Enola Gay
And load them with enough warheads to take out the coasts (for starters)
Give this cursed species a good dose of radiation
After the flood
God said he would never again annihilate man
So the task has been turned over to us
Those of us who love truth and justice
In their undiluted form
To wipe the Tarmac clean
Set back and wait for the poison rays to tear us up from the inside out
O, to be the last man standing
The one who gets to say
"Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Amen"...and then fall to the ground
Exhaling the last breath of God
The singularity the last thing in his field of vision
None of it mattered
None of it meant a ******* thing

I knew a crazy man once said
"We were born into confusion
Not quite a happy home"
And I thought that was some sage wisdom
But then he said
"Now it's gettin' better
We've found a way to make it better"
And I was reminded of how crazy he was

It ain't gettin' better
This world is nothing but confusion
From the day we're born
Straight on through
Until the day we lay down and die

You can call me crazy for sayin' that
I won't fault you for it
But O, my love, you're bleeding

You've no idea
How high the wall
But even softer
The heart behind
Capable of such mercy
Squelched by the expectation of pain
Pure capacity for love
A misunderstood abstract
Long ago forgotten
Before given the chance
To blossom

It beats, it hurts
So many times per minute
Who will break it?
Who will scale the wall then tear it down
From the inside?
Teach me to bear pain
Show me that love is
Not what I though it was all my life
What it is
Suffering's reward
To share with the world

Sleep
Delete
Wash away waking life
A fraction of the day
Compressed and forgotten
Tossed away willingly
Not governed by time
Rendered powerless
Unconcerned and unattached
Free and floating falling into infinity
Gravity does not exist in this realm
Of ******* vertigo
A pillow for my head damp with tears
Is dry when I wake

Everything's out now
In the air, in the open
On the table
Spilling over the sides
More to come
Still, I'm just not sure this was the right way to go about it

I want to take some back
Though it felt so cathartic to unload
The empty space vacated
Is hungry for the secrets I've given away
The fresh void
Craves the pampered memories
The lost recollections that once glowed with shame
I miss the skeletons I've evicted from my soul closet
Recklessly disassembled
Tossed out with no rhyme or reason
Onto this pyre
Too late to turn back now, I've already lit the fire
I could reach in, perhaps
Sacrifice fingers or hands to retrieve precious few
But which ones?
Would they be enough to fill the churning stomach?
Would I grow to resent them for the ones that weren't chosen?
No...best to let them all burn with limbs and digits intact

The excavation process seemed so simple at the time
Heavy weights lifted from my shoulders
The promise of a bright and shining future
Unburdened by revelation I thought I could offer
So sure it would change lives, not the least of which
My own
How naïve to believe
It was worth anything in the first place
It belonged with the dancing skeletons
In the hole with the transparent ghosts of guilt
Evil twin, doppelganger of gravity
To pull me down into sinful reality

I loved them all

I still do
Though I'm quite sure I've murdered them
They will never die
My salvation comes only in the knowledge
That they belong to the past,
Unable to survive outside of the paradigm in which they are imprisoned,
And that it is my very nature
As a human being
To live in the present moment
In which they have no power

Without Love
Protons and electrons break loose
To float their separate trajectories
Into nothingness
Nucleus abandoned
Merges, One, Explodes
Into nothingness
Without Love

Without Love
Atoms rebel
Defy the sticky glue that together
Makes them matter
Trees and things
Reduced to dreams
None of which matter
Without Love

The heart grows hard without it
The soul can't live without it
How can the thinking mind doubt it
With so much revealed about it?

Without Love
People forget
Wonder and mystery, hope and memory
As if Love never existed
They strive for nothing more
Than a gentle death
And hope someone will remember
They existed
But the grand Valtari of time will ensure
Nobody will
Without Love

Without Love
Without light
Without the dividing line
Between day and night
Without belief
Without grace
Without any reason
To stay in this hard place
Without these things
Who can live?
With nothing offered
With nothing to give
There are no words
To make you understand
Not even these
O, loveless man

Beauty is a mold
You have stolen for yourself
No matter how I try I can't believe
You were all that mattered
All that matters to me now is to know you
And the sound of your name

Cassandra
A touch of innocence
In a guilty world
I fell in love this morning with another girl
Another name
A different time
It's all the same
A light that always shined for Cassandra

The angels never flew so free
Your eyes sparkled electricity
You dug into my heart and brought my vision back to life
Graceful as Isadora Duncan on a ride

Cassandra
There are no innocents
In a guiltless world
I'll fall in love tomorrow with another girl
Another name
Every time
I'll feel the same
The light that always shined for Cassandra

A light breeze stirred by a ceiling fan
Rust colored grapes with unused wick
Black boxes making loud noise
Wood, steel, dust for ignoring
Seven books of circles, missing two
Eyeless snake, purple, blue, green, orange, yellow
A substitute for your tears
Glass wax filled cup extolling LOVE
Bars of buttons, black, silver and white
Metal cross that will never be pierced by nails
A portrait of Jesus Christ beneath red time
Dead motor starving for electricity
The smell of ***** stirred by the whirling spirit breeze
Flower time never passing five twenty three
Altar temporarily darkness shrouded
Rabbit, flowers, bear, O Happy day
Invisible God sings “Come back again”
Sound and vision categorized, rarely seen or heard
Small life, tiny breathes, hungry for ****
Magic metal cubes, alchemic circles
From thin air, manifested manufactured chaos
Messages, riddles, proclamations of love
A bedtime story about the Wild West
Slices of trees, glued together, given names
Shadows, mirrored lights, ceiling fan, triptych
The Great Emancipator looking under fingerprint stained glass, discarded
Evolved being denying the elements
Narcissist pools everywhere
Incredible miracle fed through lines and air
Cells with open doors, keys thrown away
Prisoners content, afraid of what’s outside
Poets fooling themselves believe in inspiration
All of this. All of this. All of this.
All of that. All of that. All of that.
It overwhelms, confuses and boggles
Try to take it all in---explode and disappear
A chain hangs from the ceiling
Pull it once, the ceiling fan turns
Pull it twice, the ceiling fan slows to a stoop
And if you pull it really hard
You will yank the ceiling fan from it’s moorings
If lights are part of the fixture
They will break into a thousand tiny fragments
If you step on one your foot will bleed

Life arrived at through circular escalation
Chasing death the whole day through
Place the dot on the outside
Let it burn and settle in the retina
Microscopic from an angle
Clear as day in the sun
Try to catch a worm
But they slide
They glide
Swim
In
I

The process is to accept
The progressive retardation
Wrought by chemicals
A necessary adjustment
Reevaluating meaning
Value and worth
There comes a point when realization dawns
The point where intellects breaks down to the base line of ignorance
Where attachment is severed
The process takes everything away from you
But not before draining it dry of anything worth having
And so the grandest theft
Becomes
The most glorious gift
Of nothing
(This is not easy to understand or comprehend,
It is the  chemicals patient handiwork that allows eyes to see
To see and ears to hear
To hear
Without their scientifically regulated tutelage there are very very few methods that work in the 21st century that give them that side car joy ride straight the ribbon of BEING into to prayer closet of Nievana
Those of us who aren't willing to give up the things we attach to
The very things through which we define our selves, our souls, our minds, our hearts and our spirits
Drop them, move on a live without
When you realize you are living without, drip dmsomething else
It is the most difficult thing in the world
Yet by the end of the pilgrimage it has become too easy
Happiness is with nothing
Nothing is a clean slate for your imagination to create upon
This is heaven - wants nothing to do with the world
Process of chemicals and lack of sleep
It's a good thing
Though they who follow the path  will be laughed at and scorned
By people who will never understand them
White trash bad *** and Rhoads scholar on the same page
"How can they live if not like us?"
You keep living, it's your calling
We are called to the realm of the supernatural
Where we will create our own heavens
Songs, stories,books , interactive movies we may never die
But if we do we know what we left behind
I wii not find I difficult to close my eyes
Having created in such a grand scale
Albeit with chemicals and ignorance guiding my way

everything's** swaying, the illusion once familiar, metamorphosis only beginning, melting, sanity fading, colors unfamiliar I've never seen those before, melting water collecting in a pool of dust how long have I been deceived? this is the point where I stop believing in anything I see, what is will be as is will be, as it was before it will soon conceive carry on, talk about the passion, regale the masses with confession, carrying your beat up copy of Infinite Jest like it was the last bible in the mission, you are no genius caring too much for the approval of the indifferent this will be the last time, you gave yourself away

Somewhere up yonder
A roll is to be called
One day and on that day
Rest assured
I will be there

I can't help it
I haven't felt it
But I think about it all the time
Whole notes are ghosts
Too often trodded upon
Lost in evolution
Or left behind
In the chase for nausea and bliss
I think about it all the time

You were expecting a circus?
Relax, baby, why you so nervous?
Settle down, babe, here, hit this
It'll redefine the term "circus"
You'll easily catch the blatant innuendo
Poorly hidden between the lines
A sort of circus envy for air-breathing man
Burning and bleeding man
The arrows which pierced Sebastian
Were meant for me and you

Who wants to listen to a little Duran Duran?
What?
Nobody?
Even if it's "Hungry Like the Wolf"?
Especially "Hungry Like the Wolf"!
The white wolf does get hungry
But it does not sit around ******* and moaning
Complaining about trivialities
London's infamous fang
Taught me everything I know
About wolves
This knowledge and understanding,
Almost a transferral of will,
Has saved my *** on many a treachorous occasion

McCartney...Sir McCartney...James Paul McCartney
I would likely have been much more popular in school
Had you chosen to use instead of choosing to be called Paul
You were called, Paul
Paul, you were called
Paul, you were called to a ministry
Of healing
Healing of the soul
Paul, you were called
Many things by a few
Their critical words vanished
****** into the void, infused with pollen
Your majesty's a pretty nice girl
McCartney won't you join me on my death bed
I called out to you as I was dying
I saw it clearly with my own two eyes
A prophecy, true and sure
Psychotic Messiah, Paul McCartney
You live in the future, you live in the past
But you die and are raised every moment by moment
Psychotic Messiah, not GG Allin
Who loseth thy soul long before severing thy mortal coil
Opening his heart to the foulness
Reveling in degradation
Pain blunted by much heavy use
Who drinks down deep the costliest grace
Without knowing
That
A trumpet will sound and a roll will be called
And if you're breathing the air
You're gonna be there
It doesn't matter what you think
Or what you believe or you do not believe
Justice is and will be served
Love overcomes hate in the moment


I can't pretend you give a rat's ***
For the words that are spurting from my brain
I won't pretend I ain't hurting, I'm not a Superman
My mind has deserted me more often than I remember

It's Dracula at the door, dear
Won't you let him in?
What's that you say?
The paths that Dracula doth trod
Are enshrouded with the fog of decay
None which pass his gaze are safe
From death and damnation
I beseech thee, leave the door open until he leaves.
I say, won't we be considered discourteous to our guest here?
Let the heathen think it if they so please
This visitation must be the portent of some novel evil
Hideous harbinger of an unhappy day
When the roll is called up yonder
When the trumpet is sounded I'll blow my own horn
You'll hear it for miles carried by a north wind
You may not recognize it as the trumpet of heaven
It might sound a lot like Miles Davis to you
Turning that horn into a life force

I can't help it, you know I can't help it
All the singers on Sirius XM's 40s on 4 are dead
I could be wrong but it's hard to imagine anyone living that long
They're dead as doornails and some flat plain forgotten
And it's a super ****** world that'll do that to you
Ride to the top, the top of the charts
Dig your way into a million hearts
Some forgotten, some revered
They sang they're song
Now they're gone
And that's why I'm gonna listen
Gotta  pay my respects to the old crew
They never knew new wave or metal or punk
Brains not contaminated with that horrid boy band junk
They knew a good tune when they heard one
They carried that weight for a short while
Everybody knows the voice of a singer
Is a glimpse into his soul, her beautiful soul
A glimpse most would die for
Even if for a day
A long day and tiring, glad for sleep
With it she shares more than even she knows
Understand that an aeon begins and ends
As surely as the day

Claire, what was the title?
What was the reaction?
They told me bricks had fallen to the ground, that it took a lot of blood, sweat, tears and heavy hammers to bring down the devil's den.
That foul fortress of despair and wonder
Forever enshrined within the hearts of silly sailors everywhere.
There was laughter buried within those walls
But secrets.
Pain and mystery called together
Your name was not Claire
Indeed I know of no Claire.
It's a constant discouragement, this inability to complete a sentence.
Dualism they say.
They say dualism.
They say "Oh, no good, no good" but what they really mean is "You don't appreciate all the good things you have" and what I really mean to say is that all the good things I have were stolen.
Guilt turns to brightly shining example.
When I was about your age I was out working for a good ten cent piece. Uncertainty is a plague that I've lived with
From the end to the beginning.
When all I really wanted to do was to blow your mind.
Today is nothing.
Everything expands from a moment in time I lived through many years ago.
It may be lying to me.
I am easily deceived.

They have become defiled
They have defiled the land

"It's so unfair," she said. "Is this a loving God
Who sanctions genocide?
Who commands His people to slay man, woman and child?
A nation condemned, not the first
An entire planet submerged
Heaven snatched away for disobedience
No, I will not tolerate such a Deity."

In dark caves the Canaanite altars drip with the blood of children
The stench of feces and foul ***** taints the air
Yellow pools glisten in torch light
**** drips from the walls, piles up in mounds scattered on the floor
Animals mill about, sniffing the carcasses of other beasts
Each one kept for a purpose, dead and alive
No golden calves here, only warm flesh unyielding
Worthless for breeding, unneeded
For the Canaanites feed on the carrion of their own battlefields
The meat of their own brothers
Sisters, Fathers, Mothers
The feast devoured, bellies full, sated
The leftovers packed in salt for another day

Night falls, soon the stone that seals the altar tomb
Will be rolled away
The strongest of the peoples will enter the huge cavern
To claim their rightful reward
Until then...

The sounds of grunting women and children
None resisting, none even caring
Most feel nothing
The women should be crying, the children screaming
Only the infants' wails stand out against the cacophony
The noise of mindless rutting, the tears drawn by innocence crushed
Man and woman so desensitized
They barely feel anything anymore
But they remember the sensation
They strive to get it back
The Canaanites have become too ignorant to realize
They never will
So they've turned it into a God
Given it life, passed it on, infecting their enemies
Every bit as lethal as the diseases they've unwittingly cultivated
Passed on to open hearts and open minds
And to their infants and children
A malaise that blossoms into deformity, leprosy or worse

On a dais in the center of the cave
Are seven corpses
The Strong Men know them well

A Canaanite woman squats in a field on the edge of the village
She heaves and groans, face red from effort
With a final push she feels relief
The tiny thud of a newborn hitting the ground distracts her
To her it is nothing more than another form of defecation
She wraps the umbilical cord around her right hand
With her left she grasps the slimy casing
With a quick, purposeful **** she tears it in two
Rips, wanting nothing more to do with the burden she's carried for nine months
A final glance at the condemned child
The sand around it's body blotted with blood and issue
It's airless plea unheeded
She turns and walks away, apathetic
She's done this before
Many, many times before

The cave echoes with an ungodly sound
The Strong Men harness the beasts
The noise is maddening
The Strong Men dominate
Their laughter is insane
The creatures, they believe, are their prize
After all, they are the Strong Men
They are the leaders of the land

Friendship is dead
Compassion is dead
Fear is dead
Hope is dead
Desire is dead
Reason is dead
Logic is dead
Understanding is dead
Joy is dead
Peace is dead
Patience is dead
Kindness is dead
Self-control is dead
Faithfulness is dead
Gentleness is dead
Goodness is dead
Love is dead
Dead as the corpses on the altar
Dumb as the animals in the cages
If those creatures were sentient beings
They would beg for the slaughter
If the Canaanites had not so long been numb
They would pray for the same

The Strong Men
Are ready
Now
For the
Corpses

****

A loving God puts a crippled horse out of it's misery
A loving God buries it deep underground

A loving God does not condemn without reason
Without good reason

A loving God does not sanction genocide
But He will clear a field full of rabid skunks

I take full responsibility
For what I've done
The stolen coins
The nicked photographs
Shiny black and white
Gray
From a time I was not meant to remember
Blessed with innocence I was
A precious gift I was
That soon rotted for you to grow tired of
A monster you could not control
You took as much as you could take, I know
As did I

I wonder if you realize what you took?
What you stole?
Would the scales be balanced?
No, you have no idea
Why should I walk this earth judged guilty
By a judge more guilty than I?
More...more...more...

No, you were not alone
But at least he tried to tie up the loose ends
You left unraveled as you made your choice
I hated him, even told my pillow as much
As I beat it and hoped it muffled my voice
Pillow my only friend, it dried my tears
Soaked them up
Yes, I hated him, hated his anger
His disgust in me
His unwillingness to slap the **** out of me when I dared him to
I took it as cowardice
I was wrong
I was wrong about a lot of things
None of his faults,
I thought there were many,
Were above forgiving
Now that he's gone I can only remember the good things
The man he truly was, beneath the flaws
Revealed slowly by time
Tested and proven by death
The time you didn't want from me
Tested and proven in death

So why am I still troubled by that day?
How can I see you off after all we've been through?
I remember my grandmother's funeral
I was only a child, it was before you gave up
I sat in a pew of the Freewill Baptist Church she had lived in
My cousin sobbing by my side
I reached over and took her hand, she cried harder
Tears flowed in that old building as the minister spoke the eulogy
No mere recital, she was loved
Then the time came for the people to walk by the casket
One last look before consigning her to memory
The friends strolled by, then it was time for the family
One by one her daughters broke down
And fell to their knees beside the coffin
Wailing and moaning, begging God not to take her
Not even seeming to realize that she was dead
They had to be dragged away, and even that with a fight
I had never seen grief so palpable and frantic
I hope I won't again

I fear I will
When I sit in that front row
I fear the years will take their toll
The absence will make the heart remember
What it wants to remember
Regardless of the truth
When I see your closed eyes staring at the ceiling
Your still body dressed in your going-away clothes
Still as the stand
Which holds the box you'll be buried in

I have resolved to stay home on that gloomy day
To learn from mistakes we both made
Far away, to court my denial for all it's worth
Let someone else mourn
And if this makes me a hateful man, beneath contempt
I will offer no apologies
Blood is thicker than water
But ours has been diluted
I wish I didn't blame you
I don't hate you, though
You did what you had to do

I will, too
I'm a liar
I'll be there
To let you lift the weight off of my shoulders
To see you off into the still, dark night
Never again will we have to worry
About running into each other at garage sales
Or how hard it is to travel seven miles
Or the reasons why
We don't talk anymore
Forgive me

I take full responsibility
For what I've done
The stolen coins
The nicked photographs
Shiny black and white
Gray
From a time I was not meant to remember
Blessed with innocence I was
A precious gift I was
That soon rotted for you to grow tired of
A monster you could not control
You took as much as you could take, I know
As did I

I wonder if you realize what you took?
What you stole?
Would the scales be balanced?
No, you have no idea
Why should I walk this earth judged guilty
By a judge more guilty than I?
More...more...more...

No, you were not alone
But at least he tried to tie up the loose ends
You left unraveled as you made your choice
I hated him, even told my pillow as much
As I beat it and hoped it muffled my voice
Pillow my only friend, it dried my tears
Soaked them up
Yes, I hated him, hated his anger
His disgust in me
His unwillingness to slap the **** out of me when I dared him to
I took it as cowardice
I was wrong
I was wrong about a lot of things
None of his faults,
I thought there were many,
Were above forgiving
Now that he's gone I can only remember the good things
The man he truly was, beneath the flaws
Revealed slowly by time
Tested and proven by death
The time you didn't want from me
Tested and proven in death

So why am I still troubled by that day?
How can I see you off after all we've been through?
I remember my grandmother's funeral
I was only a child, it was before you gave up
I sat in a pew of the Freewill Baptist Church she had lived in
My cousin sobbing by my side
I reached over and took her hand, she cried harder
Tears flowed in that old building as the minister spoke the eulogy
No mere recital, she was loved
Then the time came for the people to walk by the casket
One last look before consigning her to memory
The friends strolled by, then it was time for the family
One by one her daughters broke down
And fell to their knees beside the coffin
Wailing and moaning, begging God not to take her
Not even seeming to realize that she was dead
They had to be dragged away, and even that with a fight
I had never seen grief so palpable and frantic
I hope I won't again

I fear I will
When I sit in that front row
I fear the years will take their toll
The absence will make the heart remember
What it wants to remember
Regardless of the truth
When I see your closed eyes staring at the ceiling
Your still body dressed in your going-away clothes
Still as the stand
Which holds the box you'll be buried in

I have resolved to stay home on that gloomy day
To learn from mistakes we both made
Far away, to court my denial for all it's worth
Let someone else mourn
And if this makes me a hateful man, beneath contempt
I will offer no apologies
Blood is thicker than water
But ours has been diluted
I wish I didn't blame you
I don't hate you, though
You did what you had to do

I will, too
I'm a liar
I'll be there
To let you lift the weight off of my shoulders
To see you off into the still, dark night
Never again will we have to worry
About running into each other at garage sales
Or how hard it is to travel seven miles
Or the reasons why
We don't talk anymore
Forgive me

Colorado stoners firing it up
Lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky luck

Is there anything more boring
On this God forsaken planet
Than sitting through the graduation ceremony of a distant niece you have never, not even once in your life, spoken to?
Her parents are ultra-conservative evangelical Republicans who get all serious when Ted Cruz's name is mentioned
But I only know this via social media lurking
God knows I've done my best to avoid speaking to them as well
But a married man
One who honors his vows
Will do things for his wife that he would normally consider intolerable
It's not a sign of weakness, on the contrary
It makes him a stronger person
But it ****** sure ain't easy
The hours between 6:30-8:30 on this lovely Monday evening when the weather is conducive to a million enjoyable activities
I will be stuck on my ***
In a huge church the school has rented for it's capacity
Praying I don't accidentally pass gas

She was heading east
Arms folded to hold her coat tight
Against her *******
The wind was cold and made her grimace
This thing she had done
Without shedding tears
They would have frozen as they fell
Wasn't I the one who always said
"When are you going to leave?
You really need to leave"
She had to have seen me
Driving west in my dad's 72 Ford pickup
She recognized the truck
But she wouldn't look towards me
Bowed her head as if praying for forgiveness
Or more likely to keep it from the southern breeze
Perhaps had it been warmer
She would have read my lips as I hit the gas and sped past
"It's about time"

Decades have passed since that December afternoon
I don't forget even the tiniest details
Mainly I realize how wrong I was
Hindsight and revelation shame me
I drove her away
I pushed them apart
Not even knowing
I was the reason she was walking instead of driving
I was the weight that hung from their necks
With every bitter, loud and angry word
They were fighting about me
"It's about time," I said
"You would have been happier had you left years ago"
And maybe you would have
But I needed you more than I wanted to believe
And I needed him more than I cared to know
God, what a messed up situation it was
I'll be haunted by it for the rest of my life

"It's about time"
What a bunch of ******* that was

I walked away from absolutes
Emotions bleeding out
Determined never to return
Preferring the sting of the hailstone
Whipped by the wind of a cyclone

The relentless hard reason I thought I served
Began to liquify and poured through my hands
The truth exposed it not as a liar
But a murderer of souls
Satiating for a long season
Before withering and void of any hope

I floated in a purgatorial ocean
Uncaring, unfeeling, not even knowing
I was waiting
I thought I saw a chasm
But it must have been a reflection in the sunlight
A signal flare to let me know
The enigma is still there

Now I don't believe love has a feeling
Maybe joy, maybe passion
But never true love
Love doesn't channel feelings
Love channels absolutes
Now I can't walk away again
The next big storm might do me in
Love will find me joy and passion
In exchange for sacrifice and service
I must only believe
The absolutes are truth and wiser than I
Everything else is just waiting to die

wherefore the nettles spring forth their sugar cane
in sweet vermillion streams
flow as if from fountains once tapped never drained
liquid sunlight's piercing beams

cry for the reasons the wounds open so wide
never healing on this side
of glimmering glory many souls denied
wasted, sacrificed to pride

Dripping, a heavy metal teardrop
From the hatches of Enola Gay
A quiet moment to court gravity
Before judgment is passed down
In a blinding flash, murderous circumference
An unholy force lifting trees from the ground
Invisible fire encompassing all
Laying low flesh and ideals
Shadow triumphant, stare into it's glowing face
Turn around knowing
**** Sapiens crowning achievement
And all it portends
Only the dead were spared
The realization
They are the lucky ones

Let me tell you something
That little varmint was afraid of your names
Too much power you had
To show him he he was nothing special
Another poet, what else ya gonne say? A place for him to stay if he could stay in his place
But he' already decided he's a heavy handful of poems wrapped up in his palm
He's not bad. But he ain't Shelly
Lord Byron he is not
So it's no surprise he comes here
With his terra incognito poetry
Starts the alienation process until five days later
They poked fun at my rhyme
The one I wrote about sweet momma? They laughed it to scorn, called it too sentimental
Each in turn found new ways to burn me
Until eventually
They all became voices in my head
And each voice recited one of my wretched poems and I could see I was only fooling myself
Group sessions didn't go so well
I read their poems, superior to mine in every way
I let thier voices tell me what they meant
And it wa comforting until I realized they were all about me and a vast conspiracy to drive me away
Normally I'd figure this out
But the voice began to be belligerent.
"Get out of here hack" , chanted with the insistant persistence of one who wasn't going anywhere until her will had been done.
I had no choice
They had taken up residence in my mind
Now I had to find a way to rid myself of them

CONTNUED NEXT CHAPTER in which somebody gets their way. Who? What? We'll have to wait to find out.

It
ain't
gonna
be
pretty!

Which key did I tap
Accidentally
That deleted my poem?
Why could it not be undone?
I watched the words vanish from the screen
And felt my heart sink
Literally felt my stomach tighten
Gone, just like that
No way in hell it's ever coming back
I strained my mind with every line
And the fact it was so long
Meant I liked where it was going
I hoped I could keep it moving even longer
But I hit that **** key
Cursed keyboard, whatever it was
And all my thoughts ashes in flames
A 52 year old man, I felt like crying
Careful not to do that again