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366 · May 2015
Commencement
Is there anything more boring
On this God forsaken planet
Than sitting through the graduation ceremony of a distant niece you have never, not even once in your life, spoken to?
Her parents are ultra-conservative evangelical Republicans who get all serious when Ted Cruz's name is mentioned
But I only know this via social media lurking
God knows I've done my best to avoid speaking to them as well
But a married man
One who honors his vows
Will do things for his wife that he would normally consider intolerable
It's not a sign of weakness, on the contrary
It makes him a stronger person
But it ****** sure ain't easy
The hours between 6:30-8:30 on this lovely Monday evening when the weather is conducive to a million enjoyable activities
I will be stuck on my ***
In a huge church the school has rented for it's capacity
Praying I don't accidentally pass gas
365 · Dec 2014
A Day Like Today
I could live without
Another day like today
The hour of realizing
It was not like any other
Was liberating and
Heartbreaking
At the same time
365 · Nov 2014
Born Into Confusion
I knew a crazy man once said
"We were born into confusion
Not quite a happy home"
And I thought that was some sage wisdom
But then he said
"Now it's gettin' better
We've found a way to make it better"
And I was reminded of how crazy he was

It ain't gettin' better
This world is nothing but confusion
From the day we're born
Straight on through
Until the day we lay down and die

You can call me crazy for sayin' that
I won't fault you for it
But O, my love, you're bleeding
365 · Dec 2014
Damnit, Deleted It
Which key did I tap
Accidentally
That deleted my poem?
Why could it not be undone?
I watched the words vanish from the screen
And felt my heart sink
Literally felt my stomach tighten
Gone, just like that
No way in hell it's ever coming back
I strained my mind with every line
And the fact it was so long
Meant I liked where it was going
I hoped I could keep it moving even longer
But I hit that **** key
Cursed keyboard, whatever it was
And all my thoughts ashes in flames
A 52 year old man, I felt like crying
Careful not to do that again
364 · May 2015
A Lie
I lie alone
I was once afraid
To die alone
I don't know where that fear has gone
I guess I've been alone too long
That's a lie
363 · Dec 2014
Phong's Absolution
Phong hit the ground
Within a second of the sound
Of the gunshot that laid him down
Loosened the grip on his own weapon
At the moment of impact
It fell with a thud
Next to his body in the mud
When his head hit the hard earth
He heard thunder and saw light

The bullet in the North Vietnames man's skull was made in America
Loaded by The Poet earlier that afternoon
Along with the rest of his ammo
In the second after Phong died
Poet lowered his sight
And came to an abrupt and awkward halt
There was no denying the man was hit
Even less to prove the man was dead
The hole in the back of the metal helmet
Was the same size as the hole in the back of the dead man's head

Instinct bred caution even so
As The Poet slowly tread the fifteen yards
Between where he stood and where Phong lay
He crouched down
Rolled him over slowly
Placed his fingers on the corpse's eyelids
(I know you can see me)
Shut them gently
(May the darkness be your savior)

The Poet took the bayonet knife bolstered at his side
Pressing down on Phong's shoulder
He cut an incision between the man's chest muscles
With a gentle sawing he cut through tendons and bone
Until a trough had formed
A six inch baptismal filled with blood
Still almost warm as life
The Poet plunged his left hand deep into the pool
Grabbed hold of Phong's heart and tugged
He caught the resistance of the arteries
And severed them
With the knife in his right hand

Raising the dripping ***** to his nose
The poet inhaled deeply the strange odor
Inspiration teased
Quickly The Poet brought Phong's heart to his mouth
With a huge bite his mouth was full
His brain felt as it would explode
The drama and the dreams of the whole world
He chewed and savored the flavor
He had come to appreciate it during his time in the jungle
As well the firm gelatinous texture
The saltiness of the blood
This was The Poet's reward

With the last swallow he wiped his hands on Phong's shirt
He felt a piece of paper folded in the right pocket
A letter, written in Vietnamese
And though he didn't know the language
Somehow a few sentences made sense

"Confessor
My soul is tormented
I am a liar
My wicked heart has made me do despicable things
Words and actions without regard
Of consequences
Things that would hurt people, if they only knew
If they knew what I have done
They would rise against me and do ******
I would deserve whatever punishment they saw fit
For I am a renegade poet
And I have lost all respect for the art"

As he finished reading the page
The Poet felt nausea in his gut
He dropped the paper
Bent over and vomited
He heaved several times until his stomach was empty
Then he just stood there, hands on knees
Staring at the mess
(I have a message for all mankind)
He forced himself to look at it
Until inspiration left him

He reached for his gun
Stood up and walked to Phong's rifle
Bent to pick it up as well
Strapping it to his side
The Poet walked away
As a gentle breeze blew the confession
Far from Phong's lonesome body
i.

Wicked elixirs gush forth to the north
the force of the earth pulls like rain drops
down south without doubt into your greedy mouth
your greedy, needy mouth

ii.

I'm the least materialistic person you'll ever meet
but you steal from me
I will cut you off
cut     you    off

iii.

The sad background music
she is crying, inconsolable
does not draw out any more sympathy
silence an echo chamber, effect achieved

iv.

If I were not doing this
my eyes would be closed
merging with a gas planet
collecting alien frequencies

v.

Five
Fold
Path
Diversion
363 · Apr 2015
Love For Taking
I don't know how to express love
During the times when I can feel it
Most of the time seems an emptiness undefined
Embracing theologies that excuse my flaw
Learning the lessons, love is not always a feeling
Except when it is
Curled up in my gut like a child in the womb
I hold it tightly, tightly in
Can't let people see the look I get on my face
Or god forbid some tears
But your books on the night stand
As they are yours and yours alone
I have such love for them
And realize, looking at them, that I have even more, stronger love buried inside me
But it rarely comes out
And it makes me physically I'll
Beingi it so deprived in my.heart
I love my wife
I don't know what I'd do without her
But she doesn't know the half of it
She can't extract it, stuck so firmly to my skeleton
It's where it must be for now
New emotions mixed with old
Ancient love leftover from the day
Mom left us behind
She left us to lions and life that way
Many years he
Help us become less aquatinted
Ain't it f'ed up?
About 35 years and seven miles to cross
Leaden lump of love and betrayal
Keeps me where I am
I have love in my heart
But it's tainted
It's bashful and too embarrassed
Some gone bad, for sure, neglected
Like bad food it makes me sick
I've got to find the right person to give it to
Even if it is a god
I can't live with it in here anymore
Takers please
362 · May 2019
last kiss
forgotten tongue-play
betwixt apostate minds
that squander reality
for relatively small fines

licking taste buds
a gentle tug of war
between pixels and reality
for a small stipend more

******* fingers,
soggy with saliva
and dust to make the stuff
of Davids and Godivas

spit co-mingled, tasted and swallowed
spit co-mingling with my brain
spit co-mingling on an airplane
this spit will drive you insane

that's why I'm ******* my fingers
I put my tongue in your mouth
I taste the Jolly Rancher cherry
it's been a favorite, no doubt
it's sour kick mingles with your spit
spit it out, spit it out
spit it out?
your saliva drips a colorful hue
i only wish to taste of it too...
361 · Jun 2017
Find Out
Everybody gonna find out
   follow yr gut
   mouthful of dust
  
Mind is the Serpent
   wingin' it, crushed
   repelled by enmity

Heart still blank as fresh card stock
   waitin' for a chisel or a nail
   names and numbers is all you've got

Everybody gonna find out
   nothin' but a drop in the ocean
   accessible as the most distant star
361 · Mar 2014
depression
I do not live in darkness
Brilliant light bends then breaks
The longer I look
The more quickly it dims
Replaced soon enough
By a sickening grey

No, it is not darkness
Though many call it so
Only a space being filled
With heavy air
Depression
Pressed down

Full stop, I hit a wall
Where existence defies explanation
Crashed into a telephone pole
I curse the fate that saved me
****** demon luck
Nudged me with force
To prolong the years
356 · Sep 2016
**chest** pains
everything's** swaying, the illusion once familiar, metamorphosis only beginning, melting, sanity fading, colors unfamiliar I've never seen those before, melting water collecting in a pool of dust how long have I been deceived? this is the point where I stop believing in anything I see, what is will be as is will be, as it was before it will soon conceive carry on, talk about the passion, regale the masses with confession, carrying your beat up copy of Infinite Jest like it was the last bible in the mission, you are no genius caring too much for the approval of the indifferent this will be the last time, you gave yourself away
356 · Jan 2015
Noises Through the Night
Through the darkest, coldest night
This house makes so many noises
Whose ghost wants to keep me awake?
Don't you know I've learned to ignore you?
A knock on the ceiling
I've heard it before
And the creaking sound of
Motionless doors
What are you trying to tell me
Groaning frame
Aging timber
Fighting for footing on a
Faltering foundation
You don't want me to know your names, do you
Would I recognize them?
I lived in this house most of my life
And I've believed that demons came along
Attached to a woman whose soul had rotted out
With her child molesting offspring,
Oh yes, demons tired of him
And bid him fond adieu
As he walked out of the house they soon would call their own
I've seen them work their mischief
I know they're here
I don't let them get to me
But the ghost
Or the ghosts
Are more troubling
They make so much noise
It's impossible not to notice
Almost as impossible to ignore
Put on some music
Listen real close
Beethoven, Mozart
Some other ghosts
For I do think out specters
Enjoy good classical music
I know it's just the house settling in
Buckling and shifting
All houses are alive
In that regard
It doesn't matter
I'm not afraid of ghosts
And demons only marginally
I know how to get rid of them
But exorcisms ain't cheap
these days
Furthermore the success rate is not encouraging
Easier to live with demons and ghosts
On the frijid evenings in mid-January
As there will be no company
350 · Apr 2015
dark cloud
dark cloud settling in the too-calm skies
bringing dreaded clarity to half-closed eyes
sticking like a shroud to a dead man's bones
bugs and worms crawling under upended stones
travelling countless miles down the spirit highway
you can feel it when it hits, don't know how long it's gonna stay
takes away the smile you thought you earned by being free
replaces is it with concern, worry and insecurity
all things must pass, it's true that's what they say
but this dark cloud don't look to me like it's ever goin' away
348 · Nov 2014
At this moment
I want to resist the urge to be right
Jump into the fire, sway like the flame
Explode on contact and take pleasure
In ceasing to be
I need to be it one more time
To know what it is
Then embrace it like a lost daughter
I'm needing to be
Electricity is the word I use
A substitute for drugs
Which are themselves a substitute
For belief
But it's belief I'm sick of
Faith only takes one so far
It may be as far as we'll ever truly need
At this moment not far enough
I could be a puppet
I wouldn't mind
As long as the one who pulls the strings
Believes in me
As long as the one who gives me speech
Brings me to life and guides my steps
Calls me his own
Calls me his own
At this moment I understand
Blessed, sacred moment
At this moment words are failing
I am falling
348 · Oct 2014
nails and wood
gotta go and get a gun
put a bullet in it's head
squeeze that ******* trigger till I'm sure
it's good and dead
should have been done a long time ago
should have been done a long time

push a little button send it
back where it belongs
i ain't coming back until i
know it's good and gone
should have never been done, my friend
should have never been done

gotta put it down before it
blows up in my face
now i know there ain't no use
in trying to run away
don't know what I was thinking, girl
don't know what I was thinking

nothing left but trouble if I
don't act pretty fast
nothing is forever, mister
nothing ever lasts
gotta find a way to move on now
gotta find a way to move on

looked for it in the mirror but
all i see is me
and that ain't even who I am
what should i believe
gonna hang it on a tree tonight, son
gonna hang it on a tree tonight

euthanize then eulogize
won't be much love lost
do the crime and do the time
it's how we count the cost
nails and wood, that's all
nails and wood
347 · Nov 2014
Snow Dreams Uninterpreted
A flock of penguins shivering
Sing to mothers and fathers
Voices quiver, the cold wind moans
A mournful symphony
"Inside we're on fire
You rise up
Inside of all
You sigh"
What is language to a penguin?
The sound they make
Singing and freezing
Breaks my heart
In every way I love
Having my heart broken
**
Signals coming through now
Rough winter all over the world
White
Powder coats everything
Toes numb, frost bitten
I don't care if I'm where
I need to be
Numbness is exquisite
When my heart is on fire
Those flames are all I want
To feel
This song is gasoline
Turn it up
***
Now I am encouraged to go to sleep
To find that nirvana spot
And ride it into dreams
Of penguins
Frostbite and fire
Where logic and reason are illusion
No one speaks the language
And dream time is generous
A lifetime spent in moments
Your eyeballs rolling 'round like
Magnets and marbles
Goodnight my son, Goodnight sweet daughter
Goodnight dear woman
Sleep well knowing
I don't pray to never wake up anymore
346 · Jul 2019
Names Etched in Desert Sand
This can't be
the end of things
the line of time etched in sand
disturbed by foot or hand

This can't be
an aspect of time
from moot point to mute point
no language demand

or experience recall
or innocence regain
sleeping,  dreaming
never the same
346 · Nov 2014
A Southbound Plane to Ride
Skirting 'round the boredom of the day
Is a skill
I have developed
Through the long, empty years
****** upon me by mean 'ol One-Eye
A temporary fix
Still useful for a time
It keeps the push from becoming a shove
A defense mechanism
Manipulation of time, streams of ballast
All the while
Weakening
This becomes obvious as
The voices tell me it is so
They keep me awake at night
There's no shutting them up
Not hateful tones
These shadows don't accuse
They only want to help
But they don't have a ******* clue how to go about it
They don't listen well
Because they aren't sure if I'm the one doing the talking
They don't trust the other
Or maybe they don't know the other
Perhaps they feel as if they are anchoring me to reality
Telling me I should hoard
That I need these things for my own
That I could actually own these things
When all the while I have no illusions
Any of it could ever be kept
I know something they don't
It's not worth keeping
They won't be convinced, though
And so their benevolence
Drives me out of my mind, for a short break

They dropped the charges
The killer got off
No one ever knew
He went to his grave
Happy, smiling
Guiltless in his own mind
With blood on his hands

I saw her lying on the road as I drove by
The ambulance had only just arrived
No shattered glass on the ground
No smashed vehicle for the rubber neckers
Just some old guy bent over her
Checking to see if she was hurt badly
I didn't see any blood
But she wasn't moving
346 · Dec 2015
a ringing in the
Only a moment to tell you
Bradley Cooper wearing a trash bag
Makes more sense

How I despise
Still yet I cried
Or at least
345 · Dec 2018
Ozzy Stillborn
Ozzy Stillborn, croak your dirge
The fire's still a-blazin'
Drown out the crickles and crackles
The tickles and tackles of tongues red with fire
An image so amazin'
You can't get it out of your head
Dirge or chant, the choice is yours
Sing or hum, nobody cares
Sing of the absence of motion
A song celebrating decay
     or the Life, the Truth, the Way
A song to motivate and get us going on our way
A musical composition done in the style of one
Ozzy Stillborn

Careful ladies, his shoulders weigh heavy
Hoist the static girth then hoist him into his bed
Let's see how long it takes for him to clear his sleepy head
Assume the position around him, arms akimbo, jocko ****
The calibration will needs be performed by sadists and nuns
From the local population of same we were blessed to return with seven sadists and a whopping twelve nuns
The calibration, followed by the celebration of the calibration
Will concentrate on the irate segment of the population unhappy with
The lack of education his infatuation with off campus shenanigans
Denigrated and deteriorated him
He must be validated
This is the point and purpose of the calibration
Although it is often noted that the celebration of the calibration is considerably less sure of it's vocation
345 · Dec 2014
Stars in the Sky
I dreamed about you last night
For the first time
In a long, long, lonely, lonely time
Sharing a world you've most likely forgotten
It vanished when I opened up my eyes
It was the same ****** dream
That used to haunt me
Every night when you first said goodbye
Now it makes me feel sad and unforgiven
But I don't know why…

Once I had faith, my faith was strong
That what we had would last
Forever long
It's so hard to believe in something
You can't even see
How can you tell when it's there or
When it's gone?
How could you tell me you'd rather be alone?
Then pack all your bags and walk on out the door
And leave me to pick up the pieces
Of all you left behind
To try to carry on

Now the stars in the sky
Are all we have in common
And the air we breathe
Is the only thing we'll ever share
The memories that remain
Are almost forgotten
They're as far from me
As the stars I see in the sky
The fly begs me to extinguish
It's pathetic existence
It's
Caught in a vortex
Outside the pale
Of sentience
In
Agony, it's pathetic being
Buzzes like a power drill in overdrive
Screaming
"Put this down, this moving, flying
Thing
You can't end a life that isn't properly a life
Now can you?
It's genesis as maggots
Digging deep where the worm doth turn
Recycling disease
Busting my buzz
Making me want to write this whatever this is
Instead of listening to some tunes
Which is what I'd rather be doing
I'd much more enjoy
Tripping with the new Tool album
Alas,
The thought that this souless insect might
Land on my nose in the middle of Danny's drum solo
Keeps me from donning the headphones
And powering my fingers to walk across the flaming coals
That are the letters on my computer keyboard
Hoping it will go to the bathroom and stay
Go away, go away, go away!
You wretched, horrid beast
You first amongst the least
Fly, fly, fly...you don't even fly all that well
All zig zagging to and fro
Like a firefly with a broken tail light
On this stormy September night
September 12th, 2019
Yesterday my facebook page
Was like a bizarre but heartfelt REMINDER
Unnecessary but appreciated nonetheless
Just strange to think of a world
In which anyone would need to set that one...
343 · Nov 2014
Love Song for Aripiprazole
5 mgs a day
I'm a new man
2 weeks in
Saturation time
Could this really be working?
This new combination of chemicals
To mix in with all the others
How do they ease the burden?
How do they banish anxiety and lift depression?
Do I need to know?
It will be hard not to look back on the darkened years
As anything more than wasted days
But I will temper my regret
With the understanding
That I thought they would never end
I would carry them to heaven or hell
Or somewhere outside them both
Now science breaks through for me
Or God through science
Eden happens now
Adam in me
Right here with Eve
Named everything
Straightened out my illusion
Millions of years ago
The thought projected
The Word sent forth the knowledge
Quantum time schemes carried the myth
For all to hear and learn
Today, this moment
We want to be like God
Knowing the knowledge of
Good and evil
Taking a bite to keep us alive
Disobedient diners
Each morning naked as a sparrow
Shame metamorphoses into sin
And only God can do anything
To bring us back together
It's cold without the warmth if His sun
So he made pelts into coats and leather into pants
To get us through the cold windy season
The first sacrifice
Blood flowed in rivers
But it never covered all
Heaven happens now
Leaving clues and reminders
For time travelers to discovers When they black hole sends them
To the generation inspired to write the myth
To add some clarifications.
We eat the fruit of the tree
Every moment and are cursed for it

The crucifixion happens now
Our souls have already passed this paradigm
The second Adam hangs bleeding on a tree
Of His own choice
It's at the foot of that cross
We hear him say the word
"Forgiven"
We won't even remember what the fruit tasted like ,
338 · Dec 2015
Self Defense
There's no shame in begging for your life
When you're looking down the barrel of an assault rifle
In the hands of someone who isn't listening anyway

There's no shame in turning the other cheek
When the spray of bullets penetrates
Both

There's no shame in being remembered as a victim
When you never had a chance
Or a choice in the matter
336 · Apr 2015
Navigating the Free Fall
Dreamed I was floating in space
The past a single memory I chose to let slip by
The future a yawning abyss bottomless and dark
I could not have told you at what point I jumped
In
I sacrificed sensation for the chance to disappear
In hopes the noticed absence would bring some sort of peace
To my own mind
And the lives of those I left behind
The needle falls down on the record, a thump deep in the bass, the speaker cone shakes and the sound ocean floods from my Serwin-Vegas...That alien who stepped out of the saucer in Close Encounters of the Third Kind decides to speak to Dreyfuss, and this is what it sounds like. This is the language of his planet, on the other side of a black hole in the Gamma region.

A ****** of crows, cold in the snow, muttering low, squeaking and squealing. Love taking on flesh and blood, suffocated by skin, now let's let the service begin. They sing their gut-hungry praises then flitter away.

Signifying nothing.

The priest places the wafer on the infidel's tongue. He lifts the cup to the liar's lips. A subtle glow emitted from a place slightly behind his head. He intones the Mass and tries to empty himself to allow the Holy Spirit to work through him as he ministers in the name of Jesus Christ to his congregation. The Spirit lifts up his voice to the sky and intercedes for my weak soul.

These chants are ancient, as old as the book of Genesis. These are the languages of the Mishraites or the Zareathites or the Eshtaulites. These are the tongues spoken by Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak and Shuah. A language taught to them by their slave ancestors, excommunicated from the clans of Sarah, mother of the promised. A language used by Abraham himself, when he beckoned Isaac to the land of Moriah, making him carry the sacrificial knife soon held to his throat.

The procession moves forward, each recieving the body and blood in turn, enriched and better for recieving it. They walk like slaves submitting to a kind master they love to serve back to their seats in the cathedral, to wait, to get lost in the sacred relics and the sacred art scattered throughout this beautiful sanctuary.

And surely the Lord is in this place, for all that is good is from the Lord and this music is exceptionally good.

The chanting continues, now sung in the language of Baal-Zephon, where the king went after the Israelites, translated: "Wasn't there enough room in Egypt to bury us? Is that why you brought us out here to die in the desert? Why did you bring us out of Egypt, anyway? While we were there didn't we tell you to leave us alone? We had rather be slaves in Egypt than die in this desert!..."

These tone poems, written in the days of the Exodus, have a modern sound to them that is uncanny. Aliens who landed on earth in 897 BC bestowed gifts of prophecy and tongues to the individual members of Sigur Ros, and they are merely tools at the disposal of the leader of the aliens in their attempts to express themselves to the earthlings. No, there's no way any of us not from their planet could ever understand their language, borrowed as it was from the priests, Zadok and Abiathar in a meeting held on Mount Calvary the last time they landed on earth. The chord progressions are subliminally tainted with commands to relax, encourage a sense of floating, drift off with the thoughts that interest you most.

A looping tribal dance, recorded on site at a Buddhist monastary where the monks would mumble polyphonic OMs and the tourists would catapult their spirits through a needle's eye just to show that it can be done... Are they praying for rain? Or is it a rich harvest they petition the Great Spirit for today, their knees to the ground? The dance turns into an ****, bodies tangled up misplaced pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

They **** the whale, and so we mourn.

They fester hate like a sore that won't go away, so we sing this lamentation. Translation: "The Son wants you...Hear things in the music that aren't there, only in your hammer struck head. Ring the living bell, ring the living bell, shine the living light, shine the living light...

They incite aggression, so we back off.

They treat the blind man with scorn and contempt, so we judge them.

They are good for nothing but fighting your wars, their stone hardened hearts too far gone to notice each life snuffed out under orders from ground patrol. So we pray for conflict. We petition the Lord for strife and dischord. Exterminate these burned-out husks of men before their 4 years are up.

They lay hands upon the genius and lock him in institutions with people who pull steak knives on strangers. They are afraid of him, so they put him away, in sweat-stinking padded cells or wrapped up nice and tight in a strait, mornings awake and hustled to the breakfast line. They extricate his confidence, thought pattern by thought pattern, and curb the flow of his intellect. They leave us to sing a funeral song for the postmodern society on the day when common sense is evenly distributed among individuals and Moral Law is accepted as fact by each and all. A dirge for each time you've ever been hurt by someone's words or actions. Our common denominator of heartache and sorrow. Divided about all other things, by necessity united by tears, wailing, howling at the moon, primal scream therapy and insomnia.

And now the church is empty. Angels lingering to usher the Spirit from the echoing halls. Silence and stillness brutal proof of God. Music from the other side of this life. Welcoming songs played at St. Peter's Gate. Stubborn prayers from those passed over, coaxing us through, waiting with scissors at the ready to snip the mortal coil. Believers bellys full of the body and blood of the Lord, processing it at this very moment, letting the body do it's digestive work, preparing it for re-birth.

This music is a hand reaching out and over the chasm of being to grab and pull you into another reality for a few moments. For a few moments you will experience the world from the viewpoint of Jon, Orri, Georg & Kjartan. It is an exhilirating sensation, coveted by all.

This music is the voice of Thor, the cries of Aphrodite, the sins of Baal, the dreams of Pontius Pilate, the sound of coyotes cuddled in a cave, wailing at the moon. This music is the war of the worlds. It's release. ******. A little death. Afterglow then off to sleep. Waking to Philip Glass, inspired to listen to him by Sigur Ros.

The needle is yanked from the record and silence and stillness return to claim their divinity.
330 · Aug 2019
alchemy (2 magnum opusi)
It was there
though I don't know how it got
there
I can tell you with a considerably high degree of confidence
of it's presence and location within
space
and
time
for I see myself practicing an alchemy
with thoughts deranged making their way
into the stew
the broth in the brew
into not one, but two magnum opusi
tweedle deedle dee and tweedly umbi
get 'em by
I see myself succeeding in this alchemical work
playing itself outside of me
and pretending it's a poem
This alchemical voice all too often silenced
before the pivotal motive of the book has been read
burning bushes it returns
and it is to this location I direct you
when I say I know where it is
and though I do not inform you
of the items in the magical box
when I pulled them from my hat
they were all there
they were all alone, crying, some with real tears
others substituting with expensive reproductions

I couldn't tell you what's in my heart right now
if you'd let me
I stand condemned, alone, leaving this
life atoned
I don't even know
It's full of ghosts and dead bones
filled with history and broken dreams
to the brim with emotion
to the extent
that a heart can be broken
I claim mind has been broken a few times
and it never crossed mind
how the last time was worse than the last time
and every time was just like that
So look out, I'm courtin' the jester
I'm on the hunt for a crime
I'm telling lies just for lying

and I am not distracted by the dramatic strains
of Franz Schubert's 8th symphony, ushering in
the dramatic while I sit and try to think
of something to say
and a way I can say it
with meaningless syntax
and dreamless taxed sin
that's the stuff I'm wallowing in
it's like gooey taffy, the color of Granny Smith
apples
even smells like green apple, the kind God doesn't grow
in Indianapolis in the summertime
I'm assuming that's to imply
that apples can be found on each and every tree
when the magical season of summer is in session
and that there has never been a summer that has not
brought us much and more ever needed
never in need of anything more

I was that poet voice
took a liking to your mind
together we rollicked in forests
and made shepherd's pie on St. Patty's Day
and what a day, that day, Patty O'the Day
I gave you the words on this page
Though their eventual response be rage
Try to find meaning in them
I dare you
It cannot be done
328 · Nov 2015
"Thank U" epiphany
I would let you have it all
Each heartbeat, every breath
In moments like these
When I love myself
In such rare moments as these
You could take it all
Leave me back at square one
With nothing to work with
And nothing to gain
A mountain of a mole hill
I'd want you to soak in this feeling
Let it stain you like dye
Fly it like a flag
Hit the floor drunk with the ecstasy
Bust your head and wind up in the hospital
It's yours for the taking and so much more
If you can only help me know the truth
And ask of me one simple request
"How about not equating death with stopping?"
Please may the fire in my heart that acknowledges truth
Blaze all the brighter in the acceptance of this one
For it is the biggest and best truth one could ever know
The line "How about not equating death with stopping" is by Alanis Morissette from the song "Thank U" taken from her album Supposed Former Infatuation ******. If we could just do that...stop equating death with stopping...can you imagine what we could achieve? How liberating such knowledge is? The eradication of mankind's biggest fear? I'm awestruck.
Sleep tight
Don't be afraid
Tomorrow will come around
As surely as the sun has set
On the day you leave behind
Float into exquisite darkness
And follow the moment
Into eternity
Cognizant and assured
Of a safe return
To all you're leaving behind
327 · Nov 2014
Relapse and Restoration
You get hungry for the way it was
           Even though the way it was...

Killed you slowly,
                    slowly broke you down
             Killed the part of you
Kept apart from everyone else
           part of the past you won't let die
When the best you can do is help it die
                                         do it
  Drown the voices, I'd do it for you if I could
                                                           ­ and I can
You only have to know the difference I can show you if you let me
You take all your selfishness and fascination with evil
You take all your anger and anxieties
You take all your fears and misconceptions
You take all your judgment and hypocrisy
                               you see it's all hypocrisy at the core
     That's keeping you away from doing something about it
                  We're all this way
           When we all recognize it we can move to the meat of the ******
                Stuff it all inside a golem, chant a few prayers
Even your dead god listens to that chant
          Small case god just isn't the One that can hold it under the water
            Not strong enough, not long enough to keep it under
                                                                ­It's got to be held under forever
                   Before it loosens the grip it's got on you
              But the right hand, the right chant, can you tell me what's next?
Struggles and bubbles, muffled screams, it was you but no more
                          Murdered that illness, left it on the ocean floor
     Only an illness, no demon or serpent crawling on the floor
  We're killing it with chemicals, ripping theses from the door
  We're tearing them up
  We're throwing them out
  We're never going to hunger again for the
                                                             ­               way
                                              ­                                      it
                                                                ­                       was
326 · Nov 2014
Longing for an Epiphany
And yet joy still is elusive
For all the cruel thoughts subjugated
Hatefulness controlled
My mind is still not conditioned
To feel that joy again
It's been too long

Joy comes
A moment seems forever
Until you pass out of it
You know you can't endure that joy
For long
You want to cling to it's sweet caress
Even as you feel sanity slipping, sliding
Into visions of heaven, God and Spirit
Joy and Despair, rising and falling
Never knowing how long
How long to sing this song
How long the wait
How long until joy breaks through
Like the sun on a grey cloudy day
Threatening rain
Promising nothing
Only the slightest glimpse of hope
And a prayer that next time
The moment will last
Just a little bit
Longer
Than
Forever
325 · Jun 2019
Photoshopped Golem
The lighting
reflects from your porcelain skin
shaved, coiffed for perfection
transubstantiation
accomplished via Photoshop
robot eternal
perfection, infused with spirit
unnoticed
except in the moment
(moments)

wha a joke.
I heard someone laugh
he thinks the thing is human
hypnotized by the beauty in the face
he forgets to appreciate
he will never even know
just how close he came
to falling in love
with a figment of his own imagination

the idols, lined up against the wall
the people
take these abominations at face value
flesh and blood encompassing
hollow shells
***** dolls
325 · Sep 2015
a look in the mirror
the wrinkles around my eyes
seem deeper now than they were
the last time i looked
steep, soft valleys
too often lately
flooded by saltwater
chiseled in skin
by experienced hands
321 · Feb 2015
Amenita Extract
She told me
Exactly
What I wanted to hear
Like she knew
When to pour it on
And when to ease off
This and nothing more
To make me fall in love
With her blue eyes
Staring through impenetrable glass
I never thought she lied
Making an idol of me
Teasing my peace of mind
"Without love,"
I heard her say
"The world would go insane"
Then she walked away
315 · Nov 2014
the hanging tree
I've walked along these muddy banks a thousand times before
And watched the waves wash clean the trees that grow along the shore
I've sat there for hours until the sun had long gone down
.....To see the hanging tree

There it stands, a silhouette against a frozen moon
The wind blows through it's brittle leaves and whistles out a tune
A song I can recall I sang the night I took my true love
.....To the hanging tree

Seasons try to tear it down but it will never die
Sometimes if you listen close you'll hear a young girl cry
Crying for the innocence she sacrificed to me
.....Beneath the hanging tree
Dude is wide awake
His waking void understill
Five minuteplastic
The water congeals loudly
In front of his tonsure
Explode out of oceans of salt
To empty that illuminated ditch
When he parts
She supine in other days
Out of a matter filled gas
Over the shell of wellness
Or feather brush
The risen Antigone
Stuffed in her tonsure
Obviously never hearing the lie
Which carries darkness
Away from valleys of pride
The silence of the watchful Dullard
A cold stillness
******* in the forms
Exposing the Moon

She ****** medicine out of her mother's
Nose
Crawled clothed
Into her father's chair

Healing her mother's solidity
("Forget her")
Easy to remember the day
After the wake
She was found in the concrete
And the mother stuck in
Her grown-up gums

She tears his sickness
Not an apathetic ****
Away from him, black tendon
Reinforcing his unity
Without blunt gums
Eternity is drawing her hateful grunts
Of none these abrasive poems

We were a tiny Tonsure
Of the naked ***
Or a pristine sweetbird
Those sated turkeys are cowards
Empty of reverence
The sands were still
Of the red corpuscles
In that second spirit
Our divorce was undone

Sated
Against the white Moon out of his foot
Sated in the noise
This chills
The rejected plans of the impossible
That flitter on possibilities
Look behind ye
The rottings of all that remains
Never staring into
Junkyards of roses

Physical waterspray
Waking forest man
And she, last of the truly ignorant
A whisp burying opiates
Nightmares
And the obvious
Potent dwarves squinting up
From tiny depths
On those haters
Who cool
And freeze
And remain inert, careless, the missing stumps
They stop shrinking
"You lose what you don't want"
He tells her
His oft-described tonsure
Was in his toenails

"Confidence is a weak malady
Go away waking octogenarian
Go to sleep, Go to sleep..."
Their eyes give them away
Hunted and lost
Squinting against the light
Witnessing the desolation
Of a thousand distinct emotions
And if this is not the worst thing in the world
Surely it must seem that way
From the look in their eyes

The sound of flesh beating flesh
Cuts through the silence in this room
Soft exclamations of bittersweet resignation
Whispering extracted lies
In a thousand tongues of fire
I know it's not the worst thing in the world
Sometimes it seems that way
When I hear the desperation in your voice

Lie now, in fertile fields
Soft, misty wet with rain
Swat bees in clover
Exquisite sensation
Of my every thought
Melting in the brutal heat
Of the difference between
How things are and how they seem
314 · Dec 2014
Love > Gravity
Love is the wind that blows autumn leaves
The shapes of ghosts dancing
Manifest for only a moment
Before gravity reminds them
What they really are

Love is the rain that washes clean
The stench and stain of living
Hovering in heaven only long enough
Until gravity pulls each drop
To it's home in the ocean

Love is stillness
Love is peace
Being still
Being at peace
With gravity
313 · Apr 2014
About the Author
He stared at blank pages
His heart ached to fill
With nothing inside him
He'd sadly turn away
Leave till tomorrow
What he could not do today

His dream far behind him
Too short and too sweet
The ones who shared it with him
Lost in miles and years
The sounds of their voices cherished
A simple song, a picture in his mind

He felt like he was falling
Away from all that's real
Every day more disconnected
The sudden dawning realization
That some things weren't anything at all as he believed them to be
And so they became new

He thought perhaps it was a period of transition
From Egypt to Canaan
It should have been exciting
But it only confused him
A distraction
Wouldn't go there alone

The last time his pen touched fresh paper
He almost told the world he was through
The future held but one glittering prize
He wanted the race to be done
He searched for words, forget the rhymes
To share these dismal depths

The last time his pen touched fresh paper
It lifted without a stroke
Left behind a dark period that stained through to the back
He stared into it's center, as it were an abyss
He recognized himself in it's void
Falling, he'll write no more
313 · Feb 2015
From the Country
Conjured heat through open vents
Takes some of the chill
Lying naked under three thick blankets
Counting, counting, counting
Inventory in your mind
These are the gods I worship
Sound, verse, melody, harmony
***, passion, ******, afterglow
Exalted above the detritus that is
Everything else in my life
No one that loves or cares anymore
Specks of dust in my eye
I don't have expectations for the next moment
I only try to remember what this song
Reminds me of
The kind of man I once was before
I catalogued every fault and error
Before the stone became too heavy
The nights spent alone in the country
An easy target for thieves who had no idea
How powerless I'd become
311 · Sep 2014
Woke
Dark clouds driftin' 'cross the sky
All my years, all of my life
But today's been a good day
I woke up dead
First verse of a new song I'm working on.
310 · Nov 2014
Pushing the Wall
We're pushing up against a wall
Rain thrown like bullets in a storm
Pelting
Stinging
Burning for something just out of reach
A patient moonbeam
The sound of unfamiliar animals, wild
Huddled beneath the pouring water
Sheltered by alien trees
Push, push, though it never gives
We are here to push

They are gathering again
I can hear them through the whispered breeze
Speaking in tongues, rattling swords
Waiting for the clarion call
Here she comes, baby, here she comes
Hear their marching feet
The war songs so beautifully deceiving
A company of angels
Armed for an onslaught
Unfamiliar animals

How did we wind up here in the first place?
That's all I'd really like to know
Airplanes and cannonballs
Relative oxygen
Hark, I can hear the battle horns
A mournful bellowing
Signifying
Victory
Cracks in the wall

Dances for victory, dance with the enemy
Yes, they see our fear
Empty and they soon fall and run
Busted by confusion
Just lay down, be still, they may not see you
Try not to breathe
It's not that hard
It's not so hard

Maybe we'll get lucky this time
The wall surely will relent
Sing like a bird, woo-hoo
**** two with one stone
Get lucky, this is the time
This is the place
Throwing sevens to the wind

And I'll never be so easy to read
And I'll never be your tough nut to crack
And I'll never be a grounded lightning rod
And I'll never be caught in a loop
And I'll never be anything but me
Me is all I'll ever be

Funeral procession crawls down the sidewalk
Carrying bodies tied to chains
Dragging them to the cemetery
Mumbling prayers, saying them backwards
That's the language the devil understands

How long and how far?
How are you forever?
Back and forth, my love
Feel your love forever

Breathe in, breathe out
Listen to the rasp
Start counting

Of course I don't know what it means
Do I look that smart to you?

Some push with their backs against the wall
309 · Nov 2014
Music
Lover of my soul
Fill my heart with wonder
My head with mystery
Glowing through the other side
Inviting me to break away
To leave this paradigm
If even for a short time
Pour over me or **** me in
Baptism of sound
How many times born again
Balm of peace and relaxation
Spirit hands, rub it in
For forty five years not a day's gone by
Without your centering presence
Never getting old
You speak to me of
Never getting old
Something worth singing about
He was slowly drowning in air
     He was fading away and he just didn't care
He knew somewhere in his heart
     There had to be something better out there
Just out of reach, forever denied him
     ...or maybe not
          ...or maybe not

I recall we were friends
     He and I raised some hell in the old days
At least I thought we were friends
     He bought me beer and I gave him a ride home
He told me stories how his daddy would break down
    How the old man had laid a burden on him
Something he never could tell anybody
    How the pain brings a serious change
He knew, he said, from a very young age
     He was cursed to be curious, different and strange
Perhaps that's why we got along so well
     Both of us taking solace in each others' personal hell
Each others' highway to hell
     Adjoining rooms in our different hells

There was a moment. There's always a moment.
     He would think of every day for the rest of his life
It would haunt him until the day he chose to die
    Some will say that he didn't even try
Some will say everything he ever said was a lie
...and I sometimes think those people are right
           ...and I won't deny it
                
A scarecrow hanging from a rope in the bedroom
     Moon shines through an open window
Bathes the crow in the gleam of the moonlight's glow
     Swinging back and forth as the spirit breeze blows
Just a scare crow, not so creepy
     But what's it doing in the bedroom?
I gotta know
     I gotta know
The title is from a lyric in the Joy Division song "Isolation" (from the album Closer). Words by Ian Curtis. If you don't know Joy Division you would do yourself a favor to check them out.  This particular lyric came to me immediately after writing the piece and I thought it seemed to somehow fit the content of the poem.
For the lessons never learned
The harvest of regrets

I embarked upon a life of crime
From the snuggled warmth
Of my misbegotten infancy
Seeds and serpents deep within
Waiting for the day when I took my first step
Down a slick smooth road to delinquency
A little further down to apostasy
And the cries of the ******

Was I a fool to believe
I could escape those tendencies?
Could I turn them on myself?
I fancied myself transcendent
But I was only transparent

For the dreams worth sleeping
The rooster won't stop crowing

It used to be fun to pretend
I was a genius
But the truth demands it's rightful place
With age comes revelation
Ah, but that's mine to covet
You'll find out soon enough

For the passion smothered by defective genes
For trying to say it all in one sentence

I don't even look for someone to blame
It's in me, a part of me
I have sinned against spirit
No cry for help, I'd spurn it with ease
It's cotton I'm stuffed with
The ringing in my ears doesn't even bother me anymore
Unless I think about it for awhile
And ain't that the way it should be with life itself?
Am I a barrel of transgressions filled almost full from the past?
Heavy and difficult to haul around

For the best of intentions and good advice
It doesn't get any better

Judgment weighs heavy above my head
Suspended in disbelief for a brief reprise
If hell is the cessation of existence, nothing more
Is it blasphemous to pray for it?
If only someone could convince me it's so
I wouldn't want to put you out, Yahweh
I don't deserve your mercy
But nothing more, please, nothing more
305 · May 2016
Glass
**** you
Drained me again
Dodging twisted telepathy
Pickled in the murky brine
Left to rot in your mind

On your knees prostrate
In the kingdom fields
Satisfied to look through the glass
Darkly so long as the glass
Is a mirror

You wear me out
You wear me out

David sang of evil men
In psalms of praise and truth
Beginning to think
You're one of them
The king was singing of you

And who are you?
Do you know?
Is it you these words portray?
This is not your mirror
Precious and beloved
A transparent pane
Shining pearls of metallic rain
Jettison vertical, a thousand picture perfect
Puncture wounds
Bleeding light, both hands pointing skyward
A world sleeps, not all dream
Blissfully ignorant
Of the raging storm
Lightning flashing, clouds crashing
YHWH awakens
The nightmare ends
302 · Jul 2015
Undeleted
I write poems before I fall asleep
I post them on the Internet
I let their existence guide my dreams
Then delete them when I wake

Obviously this is not one of those poems
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