I gave up Catholicism for Lent
Indulgences more wisely spent
On peace of mind and charity
Just a tad bit more clarity
Leave it to the stricter mind
In hopes that I might someday find
Compassion for my troubled soul
Grace to lead me to my Home

For the lessons never learned
The harvest of regrets

I embarked upon a life of crime
From the snuggled warmth
Of my misbegotten infancy
Seeds and serpents deep within
Waiting for the day when I took my first step
Down a slick smooth road to delinquency
A little further down to apostasy
And the cries of the ******

Was I a fool to believe
I could escape those tendencies?
Could I turn them on myself?
I fancied myself transcendent
But I was only transparent

For the dreams worth sleeping
The rooster won't stop crowing

It used to be fun to pretend
I was a genius
But the truth demands it's rightful place
With age comes revelation
Ah, but that's mine to covet
You'll find out soon enough

For the passion smothered by defective genes
For trying to say it all in one sentence

I don't even look for someone to blame
It's in me, a part of me
I have sinned against spirit
No cry for help, I'd spurn it with ease
It's cotton I'm stuffed with
The ringing in my ears doesn't even bother me anymore
Unless I think about it for awhile
And ain't that the way it should be with life itself?
Am I a barrel of transgressions filled almost full from the past?
Heavy and difficult to haul around

For the best of intentions and good advice
It doesn't get any better

Judgment weighs heavy above my head
Suspended in disbelief for a brief reprise
If hell is the cessation of existence, nothing more
Is it blasphemous to pray for it?
If only someone could convince me it's so
I wouldn't want to put you out, Yahweh
I don't deserve your mercy
But nothing more, please, nothing more

Who is this madman with the smile pasted
So painfully out of place
On his painfully unremarkable face?
An offering to a camera
Or to the preservation of a memory
He doesn't wear it well but how can you tell?
You can't see the weight of the world in his eyes
The grey in his hair is common to all
It's the phony smile
Out of sync with some unseen but tangible aura
Gives him away
He floats on the periphery
Where nothingness is preferred

I'm wading into deeper water
There is a place where the sun shines brighter
Empty as the next moment seems
To my sin blinded eye
Only to recieve a flash of grace
A foreshadowing
A taste of eternity with the great I AM
Deeper water cover me
Shimmers of light flashing from the ripples
Coming from my sluggish legs
But moving
Forward
Into the joy of creating with the great I AM
Shallow water far behind
Teach me to smile again
The exquisite rapture of sympathy
Remove this hardened heart
Toss it to the bank
Replace it with compassion
Transmute desire into love
Into blossoming passion for the great I AM
Let me see You in my brothers' eyes
And offer my life for theirs

Livin' out Hefner's flesh colored dreams
Hangin' with bunnys and beauty queens
Bangin' Springsteen's pleasure machines
Makin' the scene, some say obscene

Spent at the end of a hot summer day
Lookin' for needles in tall stacks of hay
Cryin' for someone whose gone far away
She's the only one who could make it okay

**** films and syphilis ruined my soul
Glossy magazines I bought and stole
Devoured my heart, left just a hole
Juvenile lust has taken it's toll

Dreamin' of Hefner's flesh colored lies
Layin' my head 'tween some *******'s thighs
Numb and alone, how I've come to despise
Can't wait until this part of me dies