what will it take? 20 years of outright lies
and denied mistakes?
watching you escape on a plane set a thousand miles away
or at home screaming in pain
we're both here, both alone
both sorry, both stubborn
overcome with disappointment
and it'll **** us, we'll die here, we're done

out of body, out of mine
floating lamely
doormatted to the floor
peripherals in my head
always find you
i can wish, i can dream
but i promised to leave
and you don't love me
i lied, i can't prove it
please, i know i'm crazy
but i'm not dumb
"now you're heartless
and i'm done"

he's terrified of her voice
that whips his eardrums like kashmir switches
and tickles his diaphragm until he convulses
in nervous laughter inside his head

the way it inquires broadly,
like an opera written in tornado sirens and megaphones
and the brightness of lighthouses,
for conversation he thought
had drowned long ago and only
reemerges as bubbles on the lake's surface

a boiling body popping deafeningly
with anxiety, and plumping
bravery pasta, which smells seductive,
which he loves...

he's just not hungry right now.

one more cup, i can stay awake
a little more stress, a little more weight
face to face, all those words i said
to my friends
escape
just keep running, it's all a mistake
one more drink, i'll be fine
a little more stress, a little longer in bed
ran into my words
now they're stuck in my head
i'm so heavy, glutinously dreading
blaring alarms, i'm gone
this time
but don't miss me
this time
i'm gone
this time

and there it was, a statue
maintaining hatred
glowing with demands
forcing structure
atop a pyramid of
filth and gold
and mountain rock
gliding over the city with
outstretched hands, a superhero
corrupting the coast
reality transcended
against the sand and wind

i'm sleepy of you
i'm exhausted of you
i'm sore of you
i'm drifting off of you
i'm nodding out of you
i have narcolepsy of you
me eyes are starting to hurt of you
i still have to bike home of you
i'm bored of you
i'm restless of you
i'm indifferent of you
i'm worn out of you
i'm over it of you
i've been up all day and night of you
i might head home soon of you
i'm not interested in you
...so fear mounts...

you look so much ******' prettier with that **** in your mouth,
funnier, cuter, smarter while you're chuggin' 'em down,
"flirtatious and irresistible, everyone wants you around",
******' hangover princess, here, we bought you a crown.
lie after lie, truth swirling around in the toilet,
begging for his affection, on your knees and exploited,
stripped of your dignity then try to say you enjoyed it?
that's funny, the **** you talk the next day proves all that's *******.
was nice and respectful, of course you thought that was swell,
loved you for you but you didn't want my help,
tried to do to me what you ******' did to yourself,
i'm over it, we're not friends, *******, go to hell.

akin to sewer grates
seeping toxic gas,
a friend to deadly smog,
and bad attitudes,
a product of waste,
between holes in the lime sandstone
occasionally silenced by
commuting feet, disparaging
their accidental charity,
retaliating with lethal fluid
those feet then fleet from,
all the while wondering why they
can't bear the stench

square semicircled, claiming false
empowerment notioning headfirst
addressing of inner, personal guttertrash
can be cleansing when, in all honesty,
everyday is sunday and that letters never coming
'cause that letter never sent

i've got an iron plate
covered in a definitely liquid fate
behind a spherical unlocked gate
popped open to peek not too late
to see the life that awaits

i've got a trigger happy brain
a kid who complains
an old man who does not remember his name
a star with no fame
honestly lame claims

i've got a bed made of rocks
rooms with walls that talk
premonitions and assumptions that stalk,
gawk, walk and smock
the fantasy ship that never returns home to dock

i've got pairs of no color
foundational pillars that shudder
magnets that reject one another
though positive the father, mother or brother
no force could make them huggers

i've got a memory of the future
and vacant sheets that still stir
lonely animals that still pur
on the backs of women as fine fur
not ever damning the fact they could not also skin her

i've got a bomb with no fuse
useless skillful attributes
an unreachable noose
somewhere near that train with no caboose
a newspaper that never bore news

i've got an inner psychotic earthquake
erupting, held together with paper weights
silent clocks melting against time and space
warped beyond conceivable replace
and a pace set for waste producing smells of unimaginable distaste

i've got millions of appointments
pimples and hemorrhoids needing ointments
osteoporosis making a spine bent
an empty bank due to money lent
an obsession over time never spent

i've got a dangerous urge
to lick a dish for the surge
that stripped the bull of its courage
cracked knees creating pains that gurge
pleading relief from the thaumaturge

i've got a cat with ferocity
only defeated by that curiosity
covered in gems to disguise its true atrocity
that wished it could refer to itself anonymously
but sporting a name that claimed it was descriptive of me

i've got a handful of severity
motions that want sincerity
an over cast of side effects promising what i could be
eyes dialed in, foggy and stripped of clarity
in the mirror its no longer human that i see

sell you a little death, puts one more count on my head
crumbling under climbing numbers,
smothered by heavier, uglier guilt
bury me, the failure, in ****, please **** where i'm dead
this is all i am, the life i "built", let no flower grow

ingesting again and it's conquering my head
crumbling under climbing numbers,
smothered by heavier, uglier guilt
too jealous to reach back out, too selfish not to
take you with me, i refuse to be alone in my hold

"if i can't have it, then no one will"
but self hatred never gave anyone the right to ****
no matter whether they're mine, these hands on my shoulders
will not let go

you know how fair this skin is
and still you concentrate your eyes
burning it like the sun, supposedly obliviously
staring at whats now a dark caste
made of leather, perplexed... but smitten
throw it over your shoulders like
your grandmother's hand knit scarves
and embark into the snow

lumberers needle hacking at his limbs
which fell in the cars on the track of the train
headed straight to his head
straight through his skin
last stop, the beauty shop
where they tell him to wake up
steps off the bus at the gas station
buying cigs and wandering again

deep within the black shirt
are chamelion hands making mocks
of string
when they should've been
digit deep in a bowling ball
or around the handle of a sauce pan
or on the arm of the couch...
sometimes they'd be cupped
amplifying yells around the mouth,
sourcing the tooth obsession along with a slew of other medical problems,
another bushel of ******* for the stew in the ***
maybe her foreign claws
could rub the knots out of your shoulders
but she is suspected of dropping the world,
and, as with many other things,
would garner your reluctance
to hold risk for,
your red hot fear of hatred
your red hot ******* hatred
those shoulders hold your house
your saxophone
those shoulders hold your experience
your lack thereof, your anxiety
your ******* hatred
your black shirt

pinching, pull it
seeing and control it
mistaken and you're gone again on some stupid ******* tangent inside your head where you hate everything related to yourself, when hopelessness isn't at anyone's feet but yours to collect a name for blaming, you can't forget her ******* name and you say cliche **** like "life won't ever be the same" and then you stuff your face with warm-cold-anything and continue 'til you're old and wonder "where'd the time go?"

100b in the lobby made them hungry
as they imagined him bound like a burrito
and tranquilized so they snacked
on jawbreakers while ******* their problems
into eachother's
face

"whats your problem?"
brain injury, some black chest hole
possibly ******, and accusing me
"excuse me?"
being so sensitive, pricking pin
dart boards, pink wisps, stupid words generate-
"so you wanna be mean to me?"
misunderstood, caught fists up
pants down, ***** words, swinging wood-
"can't believe i thought i knew you"
hammering nail heads, guess we were
both confused-

hear your name
one more time
drive it home
let the messages play
turn it up
let them scream
cause it's not in me
totally starving
take it all
stuff my face
pass out on the floor
i'll leave
i miss you
i love you
where are you?
do you miss me?
do you love me?
hear your name
one more time
drive it home

twisting bowels
wring out like wet towels
down the drain

devoured by denial
while she swallowed cold air
that ate away at stomach lining,
what b vitamins would've done
but she shivered, veins
pumping life lessons
during the black outs
when the wall stubbed
her feet 'til she
couldn't walk and all
the lights went out

nauseous, not intoxicated
a day without, a day in hell
convinced its truth so just as well
show up at 3am, ring #4 again
shows up in a hoodie
showing bear skin
can't help but feel her
eyes, lips, messy curly hair,
memories from the last ******* year
invade her privacy, reminded of...****!
swears, no, i promise,
explains me ear to ear

don't step near the burning bush

beyond the drapes of his beard
billow his words, a balding, scalding heat
beyond your hands excusing their presence with no permission
rippling through caustic silk
that can't feel anything til the screaming
just to grab a hold of the trunk as an anchor
burnt to a ******* crisp inside your grip
roughly formed by rigor mortis
quickly turned to ash and swept away miles over the earth
long after your lungs have collapsed
curiosity killed the brats, a cosmic belch
broken down in his stomach acid as he chokes on his *****

bathroom mirrors left wide open
in the light, it's shadow: orange
slapped cheeks stinging from palms wide open
popped it and shes off the ledge

the numbers crunch and sum us equal
from 50 to 14 and now the same
years picked off by hungry gulls
they're swallowed, won't be remembered again

created-creator, destroyed in thoughts
at least now our ****** eyes are trained
its unfortunate, they're fixed on petty "nots"
but the knots are tight, only relieved when frayed

the doorbell will never ring at 4am-
no surprise visits,
hesitant, awkward, longing smiles
and hesitant, awkward, longing body language
that sounds more like childish screaming
than pleasant conversation
had by adults who'd administer un-pondered scolding
just for the noise-
at least not anytime soon.
wrapped and delivered, waiting on the stoop,
a box beneath a bow and note scribbled
with little hearts and a name-
an offering responded with fangs and venom
by a snake, like the veins of the heart
that was supposed to grow fonder with absence
but instead grew wicked with the thought
that forcing seconds into minutes-
minutes to hours-
hours to days-
quickly caused us to wonder

so this must be the smell of burning flesh
the wheels of fate hopelessly buffering movement
against the hands of time, the worn brakes ******* into temples
which are coming loose
which are coming loose
which are coming loose
which are breaking in the middle of nowhere
with no one around
which must be the sound of death
thats so beautiful through the trees

here come muddy landslides
rushing down, demanding spectacles
be viewed through lens: wide
stricken by euphoria revealing
a mountainscape: your gum line
destroying homes built hillside

this is quality, the feeling worth the feel
this is beautiful even after enamel peels
this is what i want to take me, crushing quantities

could it be
that taking one urgent step into the street
might be a means that
headlights flick to highbeams
and glide over me?

cant shake a feeling, im reeling
like straw slurping and ice cream brain freezes
sweet and lovely but unrelieving
that face on you, unpleased and making me queasy
ill take that spark, light my cigarette and try to forget
with whats left, it wont be easy

my stomach coils, will this ever be ending?
smoggy chemicals and glue between us peeling
pulling back my skin from bone
so will you be home? im mailing you my pieces but signatures needed

and sure enough, i got it back- i drank it way too fast
like two puzzles, exactly the same but painted differently
cardboards not to last, the best things are made of glass
shattered by high frequency, shards cut losses
for now its just a rash, this too will pass

im afraid to shave
im afraid to shower
im afraid to be clean
i guess im a coward

your mother's chickens
that bawk; that shamelessly take her food
that she soothes; then fly away
full of her kindness, flightless and weighed down
out of the nest she built with her own jaws,
clumsily plunking to the ground.

your mother's children
that walk, that bawk; that she'll lose too
snapping their beaks, using their words as weapons
like hatchets they never sharpen
left inaudible but volatile,
and impatiently toss away
aimless, 'til their throats are sore
final squawks spent in defiance,
axes ricocheting like bullets
back in their mouths.

she can't help but smile at the
thought- there will be no
flying south,
not this winter-
not ever.

he was killed, i can promise you that
not that it meant a ******* thing
his hands were solid, calloused from everytime
he tried to set himself on fire
selfish immolation, no cause
no contribution, he wasnt
great
         full, for his feet
which stood on souls
because his iron skin
curled into steel fists
radiated power, white hot steam
creepily peeking out of the furnace

when he finally moved, carelessly
flailing around,
a steer in an antique mall
furnished with heirlooms
that were stolen,
that we weeped over for years,
he didnt care
                       fully pour himself a glass
to sooth his aching, his self infliction
he feared we, he did fear
unwittingly filling his glass with
water, belly full, poisoned
with clarity, we poured out his whiskey,
he would suffer loss, he would suffer loss with us
poisoned with clarity
his glass looked transparent,
reflected like a mirror
poisoned with clarity
he was so empty

blank save for the handprint
above the desk where some soul
lost their grip and left themselves.

soap so coarse it punctured skin
while water sprinkled out
to cause an incident.

down in the drain clogged
with hair where some soul yanked
itself so hard it forgot some strands.

a bald apparition with a broken tailbone

painted red and glazed like clay

locked in a furnace when it hoped,

from the covers before the alarm,

to float away...

if you don't feel you don't sleep
it's too easy to think
and with that, reality, disregard dreams
kiss them on the cheek
before they head to the beach
painless, woundless, unencumberedly soft creaks
bed with sheets...
no,surgical table, writhing body, brain bleeds-
worn in, worn out, worn thin without doubt

lavender curls
that make my stomach hurl
'cause they smell so sweet
and heal at the feel
something i can't eat
only present for the season
while i was slipping
waking up, flat backed
on concrete, head aching
numb finger-toe tips
but my nose is warm

the gate shut hard
locked deafeningly
ruffling the blankets
and making the mattress creak
a gentle breeze
woke me violently
and i was forced
to admit that i'm cold

the transit authority borrowed her bones
some friend, took her body and broke it again
scripted out, i met a lady who i was supposed to know
cause we all had to talk before we could go
mumbling, dribbling coffee chins, whispering hows and where they've been
her voice was booming, but unrecognizable, she looked the same
apparently hadn't told us her real name
maybe it was the accident scrambling her brain
but it was all just words that make you wonder
what will the "transit authority" take from me?

"careful son", plucking stems from leaves
no hands threw him onto a stump, broke his arm
so a doctor went to work, a landscaper rolled his sleeves
years later, the yard changed and looked less
like the farm

the nature of nurture is torture
flesh to flesh, were warm
but im ******* on fire
smoke plumes high and then higher
i immolate, but youre worth it
match- kindling- pyre

its beautiful, a steady stream of gasoline
ill watch you from the stars, ill be your gleam
there you go through my telescope, skipping
like ashes weightless, floating away, like me, you leave
from place to place you leave
and im still on ******* fire, where are you going? i scream

these light years away too away to reach through
i send you sun spots and then uvs to burn, poisoning to ensue
where are your eyes? my atoms are rumbling, my heart has been stewed
what will it take, where are your eyes?
what will it take, ill even take lies
im ******* burning, why dont you want to burn, too?

to the other sewn
one sleeps alone
for fear of unknown
one alone roams

almost 21 and i don't have any fun
cause i don't have anyone
been this way since i was young