nauseous, not intoxicated
a day without, a day in hell
convinced its truth so just as well
show up at 3am, ring #4 again
shows up in a hoodie
showing bear skin
can't help but feel her
eyes, lips, messy curly hair,
memories from the last ******* year
invade her privacy, reminded of...****!
swears, no, i promise,
explains me ear to ear

pinching, pull it
seeing and control it
mistaken and you're gone again on some stupid ******* tangent inside your head where you hate everything related to yourself, when hopelessness isn't at anyone's feet but yours to collect a name for blaming, you can't forget her ******* name and you say cliche **** like "life won't ever be the same" and then you stuff your face with warm-cold-anything and continue 'til you're old and wonder "where'd the time go?"

sell you a little death, puts one more count on my head
crumbling under climbing numbers,
smothered by heavier, uglier guilt
bury me, the failure, in ****, please **** where i'm dead
this is all i am, the life i "built", let no flower grow

ingesting again and it's conquering my head
crumbling under climbing numbers,
smothered by heavier, uglier guilt
too jealous to reach back out, too selfish not to
take you with me, i refuse to be alone in my hold

"if i can't have it, then no one will"
but self hatred never gave anyone the right to ****
no matter whether they're mine, these hands on my shoulders
will not let go

what will it take? 20 years of outright lies
and denied mistakes?
watching you escape on a plane set a thousand miles away
or at home screaming in pain
we're both here, both alone
both sorry, both stubborn
overcome with disappointment
and it'll **** us, we'll die here, we're done

you look so much ******' prettier with that **** in your mouth,
funnier, cuter, smarter while you're chuggin' 'em down,
"flirtatious and irresistible, everyone wants you around",
******' hangover princess, here, we bought you a crown.
lie after lie, truth swirling around in the toilet,
begging for his affection, on your knees and exploited,
stripped of your dignity then try to say you enjoyed it?
that's funny, the **** you talk the next day proves all that's *******.
was nice and respectful, of course you thought that was swell,
loved you for you but you didn't want my help,
tried to do to me what you ******' did to yourself,
i'm over it, we're not friends, *******, go to hell.