Sometimes
I do this thing, play this game
with myself.

I call it "Imagine If".

I imagine how the moment could have gone, how it would have played out.
I go through the scene, beat by beat, until I get to that crucial moment and think about how it could have gone.

What if I had said that versus that.
What if I had done that versus that.
But these verses play out in my head, and don't ever see the light of reality

And then I play out moments that are still to come.
I rehearse them,
like a broken play, and disjointed scene
until they are perfect.

But these rehearsed scenes now have expectations,
the potential to be disappointing
and that,
could **** me.

Because what if it doesn't work out like that? What if they don't play out like that?
What if life isn't what you rehearsed?

What if it doesn't work out the way you wanted, or it doesn't feel the way it should?
Your expectations have been destroyed, have been vanquished,
like a dragon by a knight, or witch by a pail of water.

And beat by beat,
Day by day,
those expectations aren't met, and I blame the universe.

But aren't I the one to blame?

I was right before
(How often does a guy get to say that?)
That timing is key, timing controls everything
Timing has a say.

And that makes me wonder about the universe
Just how much-
Power
-Do we give it?

We dance
Through
This life
This mistake
This message

but something is leading us, right?
like a well trained dance partner, a good leader
and we follow, pulling together this seamless expression of art
these moments
tied together by bits of string.

Right now may not be the right time to say all you want
(then again it might be; why would the universe give you a chance to do so if you weren't supposed to?)
But there's something greater at work here.
Never doubt that second chances exist. Just don't take advantage of them.

Like a secret shared between you
(an apple sticker on the knee, for instance; or a smile across a crowded room)
Something greater moves us
From

Moment
To
Moment.

There is definitely a moment when you realize that something is still lingering
Between people
Some kind of connection, that you can't just ignore, put away, or lock inside
it's, as they say
Natural

And yeah it's terrifying (it's supposed to be)
The fact that she was almost every thought you had those three weeks
The reason you smiled, the reason you walked taller
Your 'good morning' and your 'goodnight, beautiful'

And you'd be insane to believe that those things could go away so simply, so quickly
you were drugged, drunk, high
And now, the hangover hurts
Memories you can't shake, thoughts that you don't know the origin of
How many drinks did you have last night?
You said what? to who?

So when you see her wearing the sweater you bought her
Or she comments on the apple sticker on your knee (something you once shared)
Or she smiles that same smile when she sees you
All of this, even after you've agreed it's over.
you can't help but wonder

Could she?-Is she still?-Wait.- What the hell?

You could tell yourself that the natural connection would go away when she did.
You could say that any attraction disappears on the earth-shattering car accident.

Or.


you could read into the signs. and let her still be the reason that you're smiling.

I feel like every moment i've spent has led me to you.
and maybe
that's crazy.

Crazy.
Like I felt about you.
A little insane about how quickly it took me to smile whenever I thought about you.
Or a little mad about how much I thought about you even after we said goodbye
Crazy. Like the moment when I had to walk out on you.

You said 'I'll just stay here awhile'
And I took your empty cup
threw it away
smiled a confident smile (I was lying)
And walked out.

At the time it seemed like there was no choice.
There was.
Of course.

Just not right now.