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Jahania Renteria May 2014
There is a weight on my shoulders
It lays there crushing me
Taking my breath
Stealing my strength
I fight it and sometimes I win
I fight it and sometimes I lose
I fight it but it no matter if I win no matter if I lose
It stays there crushing me
Forcing me to think and worry
It only makes the weight that much heavier
Thoughts of the future
Thoughts of my little broken family
Thoughts of failure drown me
Choking me
Thoughts of escape so easy
Seem more like failure than of freedom
I ignore it and smile and nod
I laugh and grin
I pretend the weight isn’t there
But I can’t ignore it for long
The weight just keeps growing
Heavier and Heavier
Stealing my breath
Taking my strength
Crushing me
Jahania Renteria May 2014
I am carrying her world on my shoulders
I am taking care of her and her and her alone
and worrying that I am not doing enough
Worrying that I will not be able to catch her when she falls
Or show her the path
Or carry her when she is hurt
I know I have to let her go let her learn but I can’t
I know it is my fault that she hasn't learned from her mistakes
I know that she doesn't understand that she must stand on her own
One day I will not be there
And that thought alone sends me into a panic
It breaks me at times and I beg her to understand
I beg her to stand on her own
but she will not listen
And the terror grips me in its tight choking grasp
I NEED her to be strong
I NEED her to be able to fight
I NEED her to stand without me
But she is in a cage of my own making
And even if I leave the cage unlocked and the door wide open
She will not leave
She will not fly
She refuses to stand
because I have taught her
That I will catcher her when she falls
Carry her when she is hurt
I will show her the way
But what if I am not there?
What if I am not there?
Who will carry her world if I can not?
Jahania Renteria May 2014
I don't think you understand
What that look you give me
That look of pity and hidden disgust does to me
But then there are moments where you seem to use it like a weapon like a whip that cracks against my back
But this weapon does not leave bruises not visible ones at least
They are ones I keep hidden under a sunny smile and a wall of solid steel and distrust it is high as the eye can see but you know where to hit to make it come crumbling down
A sigh of disdain, a word of false praise and that look
The look that can break any man without moving a finger
Leaving any person wishing they weren't alive anymore,
Making them wish they could drive their car off a bridge or maybe
A simple slit of the wrist
All to escape that look, that look
Oh that horrible look
Your sharp, back breaking, world ending, life shattering, weapon of destruction
All you need to do is sigh with that look and I am a broken teary eyed puddle laying at your feet wishing for any form of escape
Just to get away from that simple little look
Jahania Renteria May 2014
When did I lower my standards?
When did I go from tall, dark and handsome to taller than me and doesn't get high everyday?
When did I go from he needs to be able to keep up with my conversations, with my obsessions
To I'm dumbing myself down for him?
When did I go from I will take ******* from no man to maybe he didn't mean it or he was just kidding?
When did I lower my standards?
When did I go from he must be at least my age
To he doesn't look his age?
When was I broken?
Was it desperation?
Was it jealousy?
That my friends had met their lovers yet I was still here waiting alone and cold
When was it?
When did I lose hope?
When did I give?
When did I lower my standards?

— The End —