Suppression
It's been naturally selected over and over and over
Here we are
Can anyone explain why?
Is it just a glitch?
A human gets so mangled they should be dead, but the body can't find a reason to stop
Natural selection had no part
You're already dead
This is just the brain buying time until the body wears down
You're dead weight, humanity can't use someone with memories only
Deformed
Corrupted
Misguided
Abused
You've been molded by all that hurts the species
Rot
Die
But in the meantime
Just forget about it
Go through years numb
Years of paranoia
There can never be an explanation because
What if I'm missing a piece
Or the whole story's right in front of me
There's no sense, no rhyme, just passing time
So I obsess
There must be more
But there could be so much more
When he took me home sick
He picked me up because Mom wasn't home
My brother must have been at school
So, was it just us?
He could strangle Mom and say Brother's ****** in the head
But never a bad word to me
There's the time in kindergarten
I stayed in from recess
And a boy in my class came out of the bathroom
Entirely naked
Teacher was there
What did she say about it?
Why was I staying in the room?
How twisted can the facts get?
Am I just denying you?
Forgetting all you did
And searching for the culprit in suspicious memories of the past
*******, I'll be the one sending someone to life in prison for what my brain wanted to believe
Because you
Well, in the park last week
I was sitting on a bench waiting to see you
As I've done frequently the past year and a half
Which is sick and unsettling
Why do I want to see you?
Am I still seeking all that self destruction you nurtured?
No.
I wanted to tell you a shamefully obvious fact
You ***** me
Seeing as you're chicken wire, stuffed with media and sent out to parade
You wouldn't believe me
There was no dark alley, no knife to my throat, little objection you ever truly heard
Though I don't think we can deny, I never had a good time
I'll reveal to you now
I was being stuffed in a plastic bottle
That's twisted and crinkled
Elephant skin plastic buckling into my face
Aching my body
My self affirmed tears lost in water remnants
Here's where all reality is lost
Here's where my obsession starts
Did I crawl to your vicious manipulative being
Because it was all too familiar?
You're old, you see me as a slaughtered *** cow
Bleeding on the ground my body no longer objecting
You offered promise of corruption
Chaos
Everything that could have been a comforting resemblance to
Suppressed memories
So **** me.
I have no ******* clue.
I never will.
That would be fine
Except now I love
And I am loved
I am so loved
This mind, though
It doesn't know how to love
It knows of ***
It knows *** used to be the closest thing to closeness
Chemicals dropping me into the comfort of careless arms
Now, *** is all part of the closeness
When words are failing
We're suspended in exclamation
I look into your eyes
And if it didn't blind you
I'd grab them
Loving to a point of passionate exasperation
That's when *** comes into play
My mind loves it then
But it loves it all the time
Or
The prospect of it
The undebatable joy I convince myself will follow
But I chewed and clawed and smeared ***
It was a drug
An abuse
An outlet
A torture
Now, I hardly feel passionate or enflamed
I space out
A habit from when I reluctantly passed my body off 2,3,4 times within hours
I can only think of you
Are you enjoying yourself?
Am I attractive enough?
Are you getting bored of me?
But you, I know, only think of me
You care so much
In every aspect
Especially ***, you're so balanced and pure
It drives me up the wall how much I envy it
Although, it's made *** worse
Now i worry about you worrying about me having a good time
Guilt fills up my stomach
Because
I can't enjoy it, not the way you do, I see in your eyes how much it means
And you can tell in my eyes, I'm not too moved
I wish I could act
I try a bit
But that's terrible, I know you'd hate that
******* I should just ******* talk to you. Sorry. It all makes me feel very sick
And
You get so upset I hate it. I hate being the cause of that, I hate having the ability to prevent that and the weakness to still throw all my worries on you.
I'm so stupid.
I love you.