Onto the dark horizon it falls
It enters your ears
        It enters your soul
  It enters your mind
               It    controls     you
It leaves you breathless
                      incapacitated,
overjoyed,
           angry,
     sad,
                  not alone,
not yet,
                  but wait
it will
                   but wait
                            one more
                                         day
                                             week
                                                 month
                                                        year
                                                            lifetime
  and you'll be gone

Forgive me Father for I have sinned,
It’s been 15 years since my last confession, so you might want to clear your schedule
It’s going to take a while.
What’s my penance,
A few “Hail Mary” s?
That’s fine
I’ve got it memorized, forward and back.
Want me to say it in Latin?
I can do that.
How many “Our Father” s
Do I have to say
For being gay?
I’ll say them
I know that one, too.
Tell me father
If I slit my wrists to form a cross
Will I get to heaven?
Don’t test me Father,
I’ll do it.
What’s my penance father?
Tell me how to pray
God, forgive the sin of my existence
What’s my penance father?
I don't want to be gay.

Pull yourself together
           Stop scratching at your wrists
Please just get some sleep
                          I know you want to die
But know's not the time
               Decide in the morning, you're too tired now
      stop crying
                  stop crying
                         Stop crying
Deep breaths and count to ten
    "One
          Two
     Oh God, I'm going to die
               Three
                     Four
Oh God, I can't do this
Oh God, I want to die
                          Five
                              Six
         It's all over in the morning
                                   Seven
                                         Eight
           Oh God, what if I can't die
                                               Nine
                                                     Ten
                         I need to sleep."

I finished you in class today
           I cried when I read your last word
Your author so cruelly ended two dreams
    both yours and mine
"Calm down", they said to me
           "It was only a book."
Only a book? I wish it were true
so neither of us would have felt the pain
         of the back cover
                                  closing
and even as I lament my sorrows now to you
      I must also say farewell
to our hours of laughs and tears,
    and while it ended as I feared:
with you gone and me still here
            I must leave
                                  for there are more books to start
and more still
                                                           ­                                                                 *to finish

The Ballet Dancer spins in air
light as a cloud
she moves her body
and does a plie
the ballet dancer
moves like fluid
her feet taunt the devil
her arms stretch towards the heavens
the ballet dancer
stirs envy in others
with her beauty and poise
she is no stranger to mistakes
but her performance gives the illusion of perfection
she has fallen
but never stays down
The ballet dancer bows
her time is up
but she will never stop

Everything's better
with smiles and dreams
hopes and feelings
        Pleasant things
but if something moans
sobs
or cries
we send it to a place where it can die
Everything's better
all sealed up and happy
closed off to the world
acting so sappy
but if something bleeds
dies
or speaks
we close up those holes and plug up those leaks
Everything's better
quiet and clean
washed up with soap until it gleams
but if something is *****
old
or worn
we shake our heads in an effort to scorn
Everything's better soft and warm
bundled up tight, yes that's the norm
but if something is tough
cold
or hard
we throw it away, our hearts we do guard
Everything's better pretend and fake
putting on smiles, "Life's a piece of cake!"
but if something is real
true
or sad
we pretend it's not there
and it makes me so mad

Promise you’ll come home when you leave
Promise you’ll always achieve your dreams
Promise you’ll smile in the rain
Promise you’ll never forget me
Promise you’ll always call home when you’re gone
Promise you’ll think of me
Promise you’ll tell your new friends you have a sister
Promise you’ll still laugh at our jokes when we’re apart
Promise you’ll still be my brother when you come to visit
Promise you’ll never change.

“Write about ***” I whisper to myself
“No. No, that’s disgusting” I respond with vigor
“Write about love.” I suggest in the condescending tone adults often take with me
But I do not want to write about love,
I have never been in love
I have never felt anything like love
I hate writing about love
I hate the pronouns
I always want to write about hers
About the smell of perfume on her dress
And the way her hair curls and twists like the plotline of an Oscar Wilde novel
I always want to write about she’s
And the way she never makes fun of my silence
And the way she laughs
And the way she cheats off of me in geometry,
Even though we both know my answers are always wrong
She’s like a triangle
A cute
But if I were a shape
I’d be obtuse
Because when  we walk to together in the hallway I always get the urge to grab her hand
But I never have
And  I want to tell her to take off her makeup because she’s just so perfect
And you know she cried last week and I didn't know what to say
I never know what to say around her
But she never minds, she can have a conversation with me and I never have to say anything
And some days it takes all my restraint
Not to write about her
And I want to write about how I love her
I want to write about the way I love her
But hatred always hits me in the gut
And pain in the face
And shame cripples my fingers
So that I can never write she
And when he comes out of my pen
I rip the pages of my failed poem out of my notebook
And cry
Because I can’t stand writing lies