Under my cover of heartache, I lay my head back on my tear stained pillow. I close my eyes and see my regret, darkness, and misery.I see my pain. I see you. I see that I can't call you "my" because you're no longer mine. The only thing left I own is my depression, the darkest thoughts that you let me drown in.I turn to my right, and greet emptiness. My emptiness. I close my eyes. One light tear streams down my face. My numbness takes over. Night after night, taking over.


This is My life now,

Without you.

There's a wall being built between you and I,
and no amount of sledge hammers can knock it down.
The foundation that once kept us bound together, now keeps us miles apart.

You stare at it with glassy eyes and an empty heart,
while I sit here, screaming inside...
Wondering how I didn't notice this distance between us enlarging, until it was too late.

My tears fell into the concrete mixture along with the lost memories,
that have now dried in between the bricks.
There's nothing I can do but watch, as you and I
loose each other to a stone wall, as cold as your heart.

What if I wasn't so lost
What if I wasn't put last
What if I wasn't holding onto that string
that is holding me onto my past
What if I wasn't...

What if I could walk right out this door 
What if I could finally pick my heart off of this floor
What if I could finally grasp that my life is so much more
What if I could ...

What if I hadn't met you that day
What if I hadn't let you stay
What If I hadn't let it all slip..
right out of my finger tips
What if I hadn't...

What if I did,
What if I liked it

What if I bid, 
On my life and I liked It

What if I cried, 
Let it all out and I liked it

What if I lied,
No one found out, and I liked it

What if I rebelled,
Broke all the rules, and I liked it-

What if there wasn't a what if, and I liked it

But what if I knew all the answers.... And I hated it

What if

"Do I creep in the dark crevices of your mind?
Have you stored me in a drawer along with your vices?
Do I flow through the rivers that flow through your thoughts?
Do you think of me?
Do you create scenarios of me? Yeah, those scenarios that fill the void?
Have you put a spotlight on my body in the center of your mind?
Do you think of me when you're accompanied by silence at 3 a.m?
Do pictures of me flood your mind, when you can't focus on your work?
Do you dream of me?
Do you wake up with tears in your eyes when you realize I'm not by your side?
Come on. Tell me, do you think of me?

Do you get drunk for me? Does the alcohol make the memories go away?
When its 1 a.m on a Friday night and you're with your friends...do thoughts of me pull you under? Do you black out for me?

Come on. Tell me, do I control you yet?

Am I the part of you, you wish to forget?
Am the person, that's caused you so much regret?
Am I the one, that has you hooked?

Am I the one with the power?

Come on, tell me. Do you think of me?", you whisper through your doorbell speaker at the entrance of your apartment.

It's 3:30 a.m, and yes, it's Friday and yes, I've got tears running down my face, as the rain runs down my clothes. But I think to myself, that it doesn't matter, I need him. I need this, the pain, it's a drug to me, and no amount of rehab can fix me.

I press the glowing yellow button and reply breathlessly, " I'm here you sadistic *******, that's your answer. Now let me in, and make me forget. Let me run my hands over your skin and turn your body into braille. Let me feel you against me, and then... let me forget."

I hear the buzz, and reach for the cold wet door ****.
then, once inside the door frame, you cloud my mind and I go numb.









"Yes, I think of you, and no, the alcohol doesn't make me forget, only your skin can do that."

I hear about her, more often then I'd like
In fact, I'd rather not hear about her at all
I don't want to know all the ways she's "a better me"
All the ways, she's all the things I'm not or I couldn't be
I'm not sorry for not being what you wanted
I'm not sorry for being who I am
Im just sorry you couldn't learn to love my flaws and have some cookie cutout take my fall

Last night-
she sat under the moon light
And Contemplated when everything turned from right
To wrong

Last night-
 she listened to your song,
 and somewhere in the middle realized it was her fault
 she had waited way too long

Last night-
She peeled herself off the floor
And somehow made it to your door
With just a few nostalgic words she'd said before

Last night-
You let her in
That was your mistake, that was your sin

This morning-
you woke up and she had left
Took your heart again, that little theft

This morning-
You told yourself that was the last time
But her stubborn love is your sublime

This morning-
 you can try to leave her behind...
But after last night-
I control your mind

My legs are shaking
My nerves are kicking in
It's hard to breathe
I'm caving in
My heart is breaking
it's too hard