I had to love her, I had no choice.

It is her name after all
Amanda, the fourth principal part
Of Amo, Amare, Amavi, Amatus
Formed into the perfect passive participle
She will be loved

I had no control over anything when it came to her
That is quite clear
It was fate telling me I had to do this
It was fate nagging me to believe in something
Something that is a stronger force than my will

I fought fate vehemently
But fate, as it always does, won
And I fell in love
Only to find that the woman who will be loved
Could not love

It used to be that I couldn’t get her to turn and face me
I couldn’t get her to lock eyes
And when our eyes would meet
She would ask what I was doing staring at her
And I would answer that I was admiring her
And she was silent

Now we match stares all the time
And we just look at each other
Perhaps we are looking into each other’s souls
But it seems to be too late
Because I can’t move in to kiss her
I can’t tell her that I love her
Because I can’t feel my love for her without shame

I can look into those beautiful eyes all day
Those beautiful brown eyes
Speckled with green
She tells me I have deep brown eyes
Because the phrase dark brown is not meaningful enough
I don’t know what she means by it

I want to watch her as she watches me
But it feels like it’s too late
It doesn’t matter anymore
She turned her head away when it mattered
Funny how you get what you want past the expiration date
I would have done anything to turn her head that day at the theater

She wouldn’t even look at me
I should have known that day was it for me
I wasn’t going to kiss her
I was going to make a point by not kissing her
But she moved in for the kiss
And I couldn’t deny her my lips, as she denied me her eyes

I saw it all coming
With these dull brown eyes
But I went with it
Hoping that I could look into her eyes
Without her laughing
Without her questioning
Without having to worry
I really wanted to see her love me

She doesn’t laugh anymore
She does question it sometimes
She doesn’t seem to worry
But there is no love in her gaze
Just guilt
As if all I am is a bad reminder of the atrocities she committed
As if my eyes carry my love
That forbidden, shameful love
And that love stings her
But she can’t look away
Because she loves the pain

hope on Mars,
dance on the Moon,
cry on Saturn,
love on Mercury,
skip on Neptune,
live on Jupiter,
play on the Sun,
hurt on Venus,
laugh on Pluto,
mourn on Uranus,
wish on the Earth,
die on the Milky Way.

Vibrantly radiant,
once was I called.
Long ago that was,
long before reality met me.

It was a cold meeting,
between reality and dream,
because all I can do is dream,
and those dreams are so warm.
But reality is cold and calculating,
indifferent to how you feel,
and it dulls your shine,
until you shine no more.

So when they met,
the warmth left,
the shine left,
I found myself lost.

broken works
undone by time
lie around me
lie to me about the world
i thought i knew
the people i thought
would stay with me
my aethereal existence
threatened by the toppling
of everything that was known