i tried to find myself in a girl with green eyes.  for years i stopped worrying about my identity and let myself relax at the thought that i had it all figured out.  i was happy, she was happy, life seemed so happy.  but how long can happiness really last?  no one can help the unpredictability of life.  we have trouble accepting that life is just comprised of a series of temporaries that we will blow to and from until we meet our end alone.

That airy chuckle in the back of her throat as he tells her another joke, that’s real. That’s something beautiful. She’s laughing again after darkness shrouded every inch of her and took that light hearted laugh with it. It’s amazing that he’s making her laugh, it’s amazing, it truly is beautiful. She’s happy. And thank goodness, thank heaven, thank GOD she is. She deserves that happiness more than anything else. If fate is kind, that happiness will never falter and, of course that’s what she deserves. But when she’s laughing with him, does she ever wonder what HE’S doing then? Does HIS image cross her mind ever, in the morning or long after everyone else has gone to sleep? Does her new happiness ever overtake her and as she’s breathing that cold breath of relief does she ever think about what could have been. I do constantly.

You think I’m darling now, but just you wait until I’m screaming at a wall at 4 in the morning thinking that it’s God.
You think I’m strong now, but just you wait until blood and tears mix themselves into my nights.
You think I’m handsome now, but just wait until I break down from not being able to believe a word you say to me.
You think I’m perfect now, but just wait until you realize I’m sitting with you to distract myself from someone else.

everyday on my mind someone who won’t go away. gone from reality, but continuously running miles in my head. “fight then,” they say but, no, i’ll just have to wait. give it time to simmer and time to grow and hope that one day that will be enough again. if not, i’ve stared mundanity in the face and expected my future without flavor.

Take me in and hold me
Make sure you love me and show me
Right now I can't stand on my own two feet
I'm too weak and incomplete
I'm broken deep down inside
My flaws are showing and I can't hide
The rain it's gonna drown me
The darkness it has found me
My thoughts they surround me

So love me here
Love me now
Love me today
Cause tomorrow may be too late

I was told your love could never be your other half, that love was two whole people building a strong foundation for a better tomorrow, but I'm not sure I believe that anymore. I know for a fact you are my other half. we were two broken pieces drifting in the wind waiting for the current to pick us up and lead us on our destined roads. and the winds knew our destinies, for the winds lead us to each other. and instantly our poles connected and my heart was drawn to yours. incomplete apart but wholesome together. what I lack you supply just as what I give, you gladly receive.

IDO NT MATT ERID ONTM ATT ERID ONTM ATTERID ONTMA T TER IDON TMA TTE RI DON TMA TE RIDON TMATTE RIDONT MA TTE RID ONTMATT ERIDONT M ATTERI D ON TMAT TERI DO NTM AT TERIDO NTMA TT ERI D ONT MA TTERID O NTM ATTERIDONT M ATTERI DO N TMA TTERI D ONTM A TTE RID ONTM A TTE RIDO NTMA T TERIDONT MA T TERID ONTM ATTERID ONT MATTE RIDO NTMATT ERIDON TMA TTE RI DONTM ATTERI DON TMA T T ERIDONTMA TTERID ONTMAT TER IDONTM AT TERIDON TMA TTERI D ONTMA TTERID DONT MAT TERID ON TMAT TER IDONTM ATTE RI DO NTMA TTER

Have you
Ever felt
Like no one hears you begging,
"Please, someone,
Make these voices stop and make
Everything okay again"?

I lost my mind
But that's okay I didn't need it anyway
My mind just weighed me down
With thoughts of why I shouldn't be
And why I'm not good enough
I can honestly say
I am much happier without it

I'm writing my wrongs on paper
To never forget my mistakes.
I'm righting my wrongs on earth
To rid us all of heartaches.

I am not nothing.
Nothing never has the power to hurt, nothing can't cut like a blade or burn like poison.
Being nothing would be a privilege, a privilege I do not deserve.
I am far worse than nothing.
I am something wretched.

You love me loudly.
Like thunder crashing as you roll on top of me.
You love me quietly.
Like the pitter patter of rain as I kiss your skin.
You love me hard.
Like a rockslide as our lips crash together.
You love me softly.
Like autumn's first fallen leaf as our hearts connect.
You love me bravely.
Like a mother bear as you protect me from my demons.
You love me shyly.
Like a field mouse as you run back to my arms.
You love me selfishly.
Like winter's eternal snow as you blanket me from harm.
You love me givingly.
Like the summer's gentle sun as you provide for me.
You love me like earth's four seasons, like the world's seven wonders.
You love me like the change of the seasons and you love me like the unfaltering sun.
You love me like God loves his creation.
You love me unconditionally.

A love so young but a love so pure.
From where did my good fortune spring?
I am no saint, no holy man, not even a righteous man. So from where did my good luck spring?
She is spring's first daisy, fall's first wind.
She is winter's first snowflake, and summer's first ray. She is the epitome of creation and too good for me.
From where did my good fortune spring?

Where will you be in two weeks time?
Two weeks time is nothing.
Will you be proud of yourself, prouder than ever?
Will you be able to say that this is your day?
Where will you be in two weeks time?

Where will you be in one months time?
One months time seems far.
You could capture your life and deem it your own.
You could still be waiting for something less frustrating?
Where will you be in one months time?

Where will you be in one years time?

One years time’s uncertain.
Your possibilities are endless if you just let them flourish.
You could be anywhere with the right care.
Where will you be in one years time?

Where will you be ten years time?

Ten years time could you be dead?
Tell me you’ll be more than just a memory in someone else’s head.
Tell me this phenomenon will transcend on.
Tell me you’ll be here in ten years time.

worry worry worry
worry worry worry worry worry fear
worry worry worry worry worry tension worry
worry worry worry isolation worry worry
worry worry worry worry worry worry
trembling worry worry worry worry belittling
worry worry worry vulnerability worry worry
worry worry worry pain worry worry worry
worry worry faintness worry worry worry
worry worry worry worry worry worry worry
worry worry numbness worry worry worry
worry worry worry worry worry worry worry
anxiety worry worry worry worry
worry worry worry worry worry worry worry

Closure

Relief.

I know my standards should be raised from someone who hardly acknowledges my being a person, but every day of every week of every month the smallest recollection of you cause an overwhelming sensation of euphoria, not even happiness but euphoria.
I ponder the smallest conversation, the faintest touch; every piece of you gives my being more reason to go on.  And you don't even know it.  But still I say: euphoria.
When given the chance my mind runs races of just what we could be.  All far fetched--  all ungraspable fantasies, but the thought of us as one keeps me afloat.  Euphoria.

I force myself to stop, to grasp the truth instead, I loathe these sensational battles with what will never be.  But I always pray to feel it again:

Euphoria.

i cannot see
is this the darkness or just light escaping me
darkness is a spirit
weighing on your shoulder
light is a freedom
more than a rolling boulder
but at least darkness is an entity;
a grim embrace bringing you into the black
without light i am nothing
just a void shell, a permanent set back
never to feel the warmth of love or the chill of a smile
it is nothing, no moon nor sunlight
so i cannot help but ask myself
would i rather be dark or just void of light?