Rock bottom feels too much like my bed lately.
And the smell of beer on my breath is too familiar.
Who is this person I'm walking around as and when did I start wearing masks?
I'm given unfathomable mercy for my mistakes and I keep making them.
The same ones.
I take the same knife and rip openings in my chest to breath in the poison I've been mistaking for oxygen.
I'm dying.
I'm walking down streets with my eyes closed with the assumption that someone else will stop this car from hitting me.
Why am I on this street anyway?
The same street where I lay homeless and abandoned before I had been saved.
AND THE BEST PART
Now that I have been saved I keep walking down the same street as if I was looking through the same eyes I was before.
It's much harder to breath wearing a mask, and much harder to see when I look through eyes that are blind to what this world really does....
**** me.

A tear falls to the floor in the tune of a dripping faucet.
Playing every reason you feel you don't belong here.
A bad night, and another bandaid trying to hold what is left of your skin together.

and you respond
"it's okay.
I have it under control."
You keep scarring yourself with the Devils words and pretending everything is fine...
But I can see the darkness through your brightest smile.
Please stop hiding yourself from me.
I know long sleeves are uncomfortable in the summer.

I know that razor is the only thing you can feel right now but please don't do this.
Not again.
Please.

Every time you cut into your skin my arm forms a scar, so that you won't be alone anymore.
And it hurts.


You keep telling me how you're a waste of my time and that I should be focusing on someone better for me.
But it's just time.
It doesn't matter.
Im not doing what time wants anymore.
limiting me to how long I can love you and I refuse to believe it has that kind of power.

She walks into the room.
She sees you but doesn't smile.
She sits down on the other side of the room.
You uncomfortably smile, wondering what is wrong with the seat you saved for her.
But you forget that she always needs the seat closest to the bar.

You imagine what might be at the bottom of those red cups because she keeps filling them to the rim just to race the guy across the bar to the bottom.
You see him staring through her shirt so you jump up to cover her skin from his trained eyes.
You can tell he's done this before.
She looks at you like she doesn't understand why you're here.
You sit back down at your seat.

He ask her if she wants a smoke.
She nods, unable to speak clearly.
She has been winning the races all night, but I never saw him refill his cup.
I could see that he wasn't racing her.
He was racing time to see how long it would take her finish his bottle, and then stumble up the stairs to the bedroom to "talk".

They come in from outside.
She stares at the floor unable to hold her head up and he smiles.
You ask her if she is okay and she pushes your shoulder.
You wonder if she knows who she is pushing.
You sit back down at Your seat.
and He grabs her waist, and walks her upstairs.

You clench your fists.
You deeply breathe in every second hoping not to hear the noise you know is coming.
Not long after, he comes downstairs.
Puts on his jacket and leaves.
You hear her footsteps slowly creek down the steps.

She stumbles into the kitchen with her make up smeared and her beautiful cheeks bright red.
She wipes her face with her sleeve.
You wish you could do something to help so you choke on the air...
hoping not to steal anymore of her life, like he just did.
You know she needs to breathe.
You look at her.
You stare,
And You stare,
And You stare.
As you stare you wonder why she didn't choose to sit with you tonight.

Doesn't she know you wouldn't fill her red cup with liquid who's only mission is to paralyze her thoughts.
So much so, that she doesn't see him as a bad idea.
Doesn't she know that you would have walked her upstairs, kissed her on the forehead, and said goodnight...

Doesn't she know that every step she took coming down from that bedroom crushed a piece of your entire Earth beneath it.

She asks her friend to hold her hair as she throws up in the bathroom.
You watch the tv as the ball drops.
Your New Years Resolution: to see her smile without a red cup in her hand.

I found your shirt in my closet.
White with dark red wine stains.
Sitting beside my bed I held it to my face.
Your perfume crawled across my cheek, grabbing onto my nose like it was never leaving.
Why didn't you take it with you?
Why leave a shirt that smells like don't forget me?
Why not stay?
Your records are here.
Don't you need them?
Your records?
Your guitar pick?
Your camera?
They're all still here.
And you said they were important.
You said they mattered.
You SAID you needed these...
It's ****** up but I'm going to keep them,
where you left them.
I cant imagine moving them.
I've never been good at leaving like you are.
Sometimes I wish you would sneak in while I'm gone and take it all.
None of these are mine.
They're a distorted feeling of you.
Sitting on my nightstand.
I found your shirt in my closet.

The moon reaches out his hands and makes shadows on our hill through the trees.
You told me you don't like how you look this time of year, and I laughed because every time you smile I try to capture the moons glare off your teeth in my mason jar like fireflies.
I fill our glasses with Juice because you're still recovering and I know how wine is your weakness. We lay on a sheet talking about how we were never suppose to be together. You always said you love coming here because the sounds of outside are a distraction to your sounds inside. I place my hand on your back and you rest your head on my shoulder. Thank you. You look at me confused, thank you so much. You ask me to stop and say that I am the reason you can still smile since your parents passed and that you wouldn't wake up if I wasn't here. I kiss you and smile. And you cry because you think that I couldn't need you like you need me. I hold you. You ask me why my heart is beating so fast and I tell you that I'm dead inside too but I fight to be strong because I need you to need me. My insides hurt too. My heart play songs that I can't hear anymore without crying and doesn't stop when I can't breathe. So I try holding my breath to stop my heart from hurting me, but when I hold you my heart goes crazy. Like I am overdosing on hurting myself and you jam an adrenaline needle into my heart everytime I touch you. Saving me from taking the only thing you had left in your life. So thank you for being alive. Lightining bugs jump out from the grass dancing out of sight and I smile. We are misfits in our own right and I love how different we are.