I wrote about Z yesterday
and the day before
and times before that
because as of recently
You have peeled back wallpaper
dismantled my studio
drilled holes through walls
and I can only hear his echoes louder now.
So if he was my best ******* friend
and you're my best ******* friend
then what the hell is the difference?
He ripped my throat out with his crotch
he thrusted my finger so far down his eyes
I can't possibly see what's in front of me
I think I lost the ring there
I think I lost the finger there.

You told me you cheated on your ex
14 times
14 different girls, at least.
He did it once.
Now tell me,
how the hell are you different?
Different always hurts.
Different always stays the same.

Nearly 6 years
Nearly 6 years
I can feel you in my gut
crawling up my throat
Your hands never left my neck
and I have to ***** the spaces between my fingers
to be sure I still have feeling there.

When one person ruins you,
what shatters the most
is knowing you didn't have a similar impact on them.

Strange,
I didn't affect you.

You told me there were alligators in your closet
Giant razor tooth beasts
Because I couldn't keep my back straight
and my legs still
Restless little girl
relentlessly you tapped my right shoulder.
I marked my place on your window shelf
a music box for every year
you lifted me through failure.
I have been a nervous waste since
before my hands could reach a 7th chord
you stretched me out
laid me flat
week by week
filled my weaknesses
with stumbled melodies...
I never tried hard enough for you.

When I knew you were on your last bed
I played Solfeggietto for the first time in 2 years
But I couldn't drown my fear to go see you.

I didn't say goodbye
and I haven't played.
You were a dream
an angel Ann
if I believed in God.
But I hope you're in heaven
from the pits of my fingertips
I hope you're in heaven.

Ten years
you coached my hands into harmonies
across your own keys
I never said goodbye.
Ann,
I never said goodbye.

I can still feel her
through you.
I hope you know she's in the back of my mind,
shelved on my earlobes.
I cannot let her go.
And I wonder
Are her fingers still wrapped around your ****?
Because no matter how many flowers you give me
She's there in my ribs.
I can't force new growth
with her twisted wrists intertwining my bones.
Locked into her breaths,
I am choking on confusion.
And now you want to say she had feelings too?
She's a good person, too?
****.
You.





Her name is as generic as her type.
I cannot let her go.

This is the last time we touched.
Your eyes peered similar to the night you cried about your father.
I didn't understand.
Disconnected.
You sat with crude thoughts in your mind.
I saw days bursting with moments of you in my eyes,
of us.
I am not another person.
I was yours a year ago, wasn't I?
A month?
A week?
When did you stop feeling?
No-
You care.
I see it in those snaked eyes.
You touched her,
you feel a crack in my heart for it,
for what you did whilst wearing a ring.
But that's all you will feel,
a tiny crack.
A mere beginning to the canyons you caused.
I am littered with ash and crevices.
Your words corroded the valves and cells of my being.
**** or **** or ****
will never amount to the sinful meanings you gave
love or forever or promise.

He asked me
are we falling apart now
and I could not answer
not because I felt we were
or we weren't,
But because
any word
or thought
had fallen apart from me
piled up on the ****** carpet at my feet.
An empty answer
through an open mouth
my tongue searching for the right words
as to not hurt him
as to not make him feel as I do.
I do not know how to do that though.
My mind knows I love him
and as hope is the only feeling left
I hope I love him
I hope this is a twist in our story
I hope to fall back into his arms
and feel everything I used to
I hope
and I hope
and I hope
and I hope
*To feel anything for anyone

Do you remember the fire pit night?
Flames erupting to the stars
And that is when I placed my trust in you
and you, in me.
You didn't realize
I was aware of the line at the time-
that very fine line that defined everything.
He was mine- a ring to prove no crossing.
You had your own,
And I knew of that line as well
I found comfort in that line
I found innocent comfort in yours after you stole mine.

Filthy.
I recall feeling filthy.
How did you feel?
I never asked you.
I didn't care.
Heartless *****.
*******.
I never spoke of it.

My drunk, unbalanced feet paced to the door
and as my hand reached the ****
I climbed from my body to the air above
watching my physical self
swing the door open-
not abruptly.
I didn't have the confidence for that.
I didn't have the stomach, either.
But the instant I felt the smooth lines of the door,
and the faint, callous whispering
it was too late.
I was in.
You were on your knees,
straddling.
******* obvious-
he always said you had a wonderful chest.

I wonder how you tasted to him.
I also wonder how he felt to you.
Was he better than your own?
Did he ******* like your lover did?
Merciless woman.

I remember running after that.
Hands shaking to turn the key in an F150.
Screaming in my head before it hit my vocals.
Erupting, falling, shattering, crashing
Uncontrollable fragments of me thrown around the truck.
I remember my only rational thought
"How fast can this truck go?
How quick would that death be?"

I did not face it-
you were not worth it.

I held your lover in my arms.
You couldn't tell him
I DID.
Disheveled and helpless,
is that what I looked like?
I felt his tears and shaky breaths
turn to anger
and as he ****** fists into the wall
and cursed the God he believed in
I watched as his world falled apart, too.
You weren't there for him.
*It was the third time my entire life I've seen a man cry.

Beneath my palm your chest
rises and falls,
the pattern is my sweetest high.
Wherever you move-
I feel the breeze of a hundred wings.
Baby I know you'll guide me well.
I am without words
because you have fallen by my side
with eyelashes of tiny spines.
I dread to feel your shelter
and your eyes that say you're not good enough.
Call my body closer.
Reach into the pools of my skin.
See your sterling face
in the reflection of my veins
criss-crossing down my neck and wrists.
My spider legs
weave into yours
and I want you to feel
good
and well
and worthy.
Call my body closer.
See yourself
Let my hands be your mirrors
to look at
and love
and laugh.

I can feel my teeth in my gums when I chew her ear
and neck
and collarbone
I can feel the veins in her wrists
when she doesn't want it
They're popping at the seams but
the best part is
they never pop
and that makes me giddy
Her beautiful voice
sounds much better muffled within my palm

I was not born into a broken family.
My father did not drink excessively
and my mother had kind words to say.
I did not learn to yell from hearing them yell,
and I never saw him lay a finger on her.

Instead,
I sat in trees turned church pews
with a passive being just out of reach.
Desire to be not me,
fiending a response
from a man mother and father spoke so highly of.

Instead,
I sat in blue bathroom stalls
with stained tiles and permanent explicits for company.
Passing lunch period for it was something to pass,
eating because although you stole my tongue and taste-
you left my stomach to waste.

Instead,
I sat beneath holy hands reaching-
that painting on sunflower walls haunting.
Each thought,
sin,
mistake
would be admitted to guilty air.

Would it hurt you if I ****** a "Brittany"?
Would it hurt you more

If you knew it's killing me.

after five months
My eyes are still burning

It took me one month to sleep in your bed again
And ever since then,
I've wondered if it's too soon.
She's laying on you
and in your sheets
I can't get her ******* scent out of my mind.

You must've liked her?
She's been here more than once.

When I picture my life
You're not always there
I ache

Spitting game
Spitting your words and your venom
Spitting is a single game
And the look in your eyes remain the same
I can feel you leaving me
I can feel you leaving me
I can feel you leaving me

I've been here before
Why are you leaving me again
And how cliche you make me feel
with this ******* broken heart
Fool fool fool me once
shame on you
but **** me **** me
YOU ****** ME TWICE

The door opens.
The sun.
Light--everywhere, always
howling through the seams
it creeps under doors
and slowly, effortlessly
consumes bits of curtains
leaving it looking rather holy
with beams peaking through.

Step out.
A film of air-conditioned skin is peeled off
and replaced with a curt sizzle.
The heat climbs up your nose,
the heat does not hide or play kindly.
The heat does not worry of your dry skin--
it is a spotlight on chapped lips.

Step back in side.
The Arizona sun is an Alaskan winter.
I cocoon myself in dark sheets and Otter Pops.
I forfeited this battle many years ago.

I'm not sure why I cried,
weeping for what I thought were missed July's.
You sat across from me
The second time I tried to break up with you.

It wasn't enough till the third.

You had consumed me whole
and I couldn't look at myself in you any more,
I am sorry
I should have done it sooner.

I am sure you felt his laugh in me
and heard the way I said his name
The fingerprints on my tongue
were never yours
dusted tip to tip

I am sure you tasted his spit.

I am so sorry
I should have done it sooner

When I came to pick up my life
from your clutches of the back room
You taped a note on the mirror that said
Be happy
It wasn't intended for me.
And for the first time in two years
I felt a crack in my heart for you
I realized I still had your smile

I didn't mean to keep your senses
They must have jumped in my pockets when I left
And no matter how many times you wash your clothes
I know my scent is in every shirt
Every thread
My lungs are still gasping in your curtains
Burning holes quicker than the sun

You should have opened them
You should have felt me free

I left you in the rubble of empty promises
and resurrected guilt
I am so sorry.
I should have done it sooner.

A distinct moment
A click in my mind
A realization
I am fine
I say
and I mean it
because I am no longer me
This is an act
This is who you think I am
I do not break character
I am eternally happy
and grateful
and confident
and I love you.

I wonder when this play will end.

I do apologize
for being such a ****** friend
and going weeks in between visits
because I feel myself
pulling
from your voices and wants
and the clothes and the make up.
And I miss you
and it hurts.
The tattoo on my ***-
that matches yours,
it looks the same as when we got it.
Drunk and stupid
but so happy and content.
I miss you
but I'm going to stay in my room
and I'm not going out tonight.
I'm sorry
and I miss you
and I'm pulling away.

humans that rise at 3 AM for lack of a clear mind
sit curled with knees to chest at the edge of the bed
eyes strain through dreamy darkness
the moon looks sad tonight
side of the hand inked with nighttime words
from awkward left-handed scribbling
in close-to-the-heart pages
from a human
that rises at 3 AM
for lack of
a clear mind

You're ******* selfish
I'm waiting here
I'm starving here
You stole my tongue and my taste
You've left my stomach to waste

You're ******* selfish
You're grim and dark
and I can't slap a smile on your face

I saw this coming before I saw you
And every inch of me knows
I deserve this ache

But please take it back
Please come back

?

Your *** is not a performance
it is not an action to think about.
it is birthed upon nuzzled necks
and I cannot bear to plan it.

**** me how you feel me
and **** everyone else
**** what other girls like
This is me
and this is you
**** me how you'd **** me
Or don't **** me at all.

Darling..
Darling..
I’ve got some nerve.
I know I’m not fair.
I’ve chased my head to another room,
I’ve lost it so many times.

The canyon
dives into shadows,
and red
paints each stone
with strokes.
But
how am I to cherish it
when you invade my view.
I am not where I am.
I am stuck

Tired*
I'm ******* tired

I told him I've never enjoyed *** before him*
parts of that are true

but parts still remind me of *** in my hair
and ***** pictures
and feeling his smile inside me at 14.
The taste of his mouth eludes me
I remember it was sweet.
Everything was sweet then.
but parts still remind me
Of a ******* after that wedding
of me sneaking to the bathroom afterwards
Pressing my face against the cold tiles.
That is where I cried at 16.

I guess the problem
isn't really a problem
But an invite would have been nice
A word would have been nice-
Not that sympathy
feel bad for me
*******.

(Invite me
want me
need me)

You know what?
******* leave.

Show me your teeth
and your grisly elbows
I fiend to know the taste underneath your tongue
and I would like to know
if you even feel a thing.

I am less alive than I hoped for.
I am more alive than I'd like to be now.

My heart was not murdered by a bullet,

it drank itself to sleep

in the hollows of a bathroom stall

with shiny things and silent demons.

It wrestled and strangled itself

behind glass windows,

watching each automobile pass

with such yearning

to stand and be smashed.

My days are spent
filling empty hours with minutes
and empty minutes with moments.
I am calloused.
I am numb.

Something wriggled into my marrow
Burrowed into my bones
Crawled through my ribs
and slid into my cells
Something started growing tumors
In every inch of my being
I am helpless and trembling
and unhappy
but I am afraid to change

I wasn't raised as a lady
with three brothers and a father to tie me down
and beat sense into my girlish mind.
But early illuminations
brought dark realizations-
as it seems a fool is favored.

Feathered eyelids and buttered cheeks
of these I knew nothing.
Clumsy drugstore purchases
to paint a face too young into beauty.
The type they want to look at.

Braces be gone!
Glasses, so long!
Sear these curls with an iron!
So there, cursed mirror of murmurs!  
The type they want to look at!

Nay!
He says that's not enough.
And who am I to stop his hand
spidering up my skirt.
This is it.
The type they want to touch.

Wash your face off
and all the scents and spots
of whoever he was.
Some are too deep,
it seems they have seeped.
The type they want to ****.

You'll ruin your sheets
if you cry like that-
motherless infant.
You cannot always need,
you'll be the type they want to leave.

It is rather disappointing
to have a God beat into your head
for so many years
and to one morning realize
you don't believe in anything
you don't believe in anything at all.

You told me there were alligators in your closet
Giant razor tooth beasts
Because I couldn't keep my back straight
and my legs still
italicRestless little girlitalic
relentlessly you tapped my right shoulder.
I marked my place on your window shelf
a music box for every year
you lifted me through failure.
I have been a nervous waste since
before my hands could reach a 7th chord
you stretched me out
week by week
letting me fill my weaknesses
with stumbled melodies...
I never tried hard enough for you.

When I knew you were on your last bed
I played Solfeggietto for the first time in 2 years
But I couldn't drown my fear to go see you.

I didn't say goodbye
and I haven't played.
You were a dream
an angel Ann
if I believed in God.
But I hope you're in heaven
from the pits of my fingertips
I hope you're in heaven.

Ten years
you coached my hands into harmonies
across your own keys
I never said goodbye.
Ann,
I never said goodbye.

I realize now
I made you optional
Not required
Sweep my heart for fingerprints
and yours never left a trace
I lied when I told you
I love you
But I feel you in the pit of my gut
Wrenching
Every time you see my face
my eyes
in your reflection.
I'm sorry that I never gave you a choice
And I wish I had written your name on the list
But truthfully
I never did

I thank myself,
with no help from a spirit above,
that I pulled through
your darkness
I am the face of addiction
watching you spiral
Behind curtains and smiles
I waited faithfully
But faith is just a term
and love and forever
don't mean anything after all
You chose them over me
You chose everything over me
You never really chose me to begin with
And you sure as hell didn't choose me to end with