I speak
And I see
And I feel
And I know
But most of all
I know
It makes me
The being who I be
And that makes me
Me
And it prevents you and me
It prevents we
From being me
It keeps me original
As original as that first sin
As Adam and Eve
Conceiving
Just what it means
To be as human being
As you and me, My Lady
And if as God decreed
That Love is blasphemy
Then strike me down
And set me free
For in this awful life
I don't want to be

I can't help but feel the power of music
As it pulls my soul between me and you
Its poetry being pure as can be
And its singing that means so much to me
Either or and there's no other way
That can express the depths of me
The meanings that try and come from me
Encompassed within me
But all that you have done
Has come out and killed me
And here I am left singing of you
Singing my heart where I know all is kept true
And I see through all the lies
You spread through my mind and life

To sing is what truly sets me free
And the write poetry makes me me
Without either I wouldn't tell you
Precisely what I think of how you've hurt me.

Heaven above, my love
my heart, my world.
My love for you
and its strength for you
has power beyond words
that will never let go.
It will not shrivel and be gone
when the paper has devolved
back to its roots
when time out of mind
has worn it down to none.

The insanity
that seizes me
is fertilized by your past actions
and incubated in my head,
growing and growing
'til it can no longer be contained.
Then I burst out as crazy
to vent all my mind
to build anew
in that space left vacant.

As I feel by turns spurned
and then jealousy in return,
on and off that keeps
the wheels of this evil complex
moving.
That jealous want
to be with you
and to be all to you,
causes my downfall in your eyes.

And I am left with love
as I try to continue to be good
to you and your needs
at such a distance.
I love you
- it feels as my only function -
and its all I ever want to do.

How is it to be
Me, when I cannot write?
When I cannot quite seem
To dream the words to convey...
Onto the page?

What is it to be
A writer who cannot write?
I feel like one in a squeeze
I cannot breathe and turn
To rage.

I think and think and
Turn my brain.
It twists and turns, it rains and storms,
But when with words
Its rent and torn, spent and worn.

The gift is gone.
The inks run dry.
The apple of my mind's eye
Has evaporated away,
And I am left, spinning cliche.

To answer your simple little question
I honestly just had to go and leave
It felt like the perfect punctuation

Stuck here in this hopeless situation
Constricting 'til my lungs no longer breathe
You make me long to fold to temptation

Everything that you and I had become
Blown hell and away with the monsoon breeze
I walked away leaving devastation

Life without you feels like amputation
But better that than die of your disease
To die of my own self-destruction

I folded and succumbed to my passion
You sat back and laughed at the simple ease
And there you left me burning and crashing

You blinded me with all your distractions
Ignoring any and all of my pleas
But now that my two feet gain some traction
I will be your angel of destruction

Looking up into the black velvet sky
As the light shines down bright in imitation of day,
Its the Halo cast off around the burgeoning moon
From the translucent clouds come to life,
And the crispness from the cold bite of the late winter air
That brings me hope and belief for the future.

Angelic grace beaming down from above,
Shining down in smile, bringing rebirth and fruition.
The pregnancy in the sky cannot mean but good for the time to come,
And as I gaze back - the subtle beam of a smile on my lips -
Confidence grows within me with the fertility of the moment.
I know you're out there.
I can feel you out there.
A palpable presence pulling upon my soul.

So long have I seen you from my paralyzed position,
And for how long have these secrets in my heart known.
In the revealing light of this night as I stand alone,
Whispers like the wisps of cloud ebb around my consciousness,
And in the darkness which she left my heart, you are found.
Visions of you, Halo-crowned;
A soft, golden light radiating from your brow.

My Full Moon,
As a feeling of Love abounds.

I thought I saw you as a friend
But that seems a point you contend
I never thought it'd come to this
But it seems like something you won't miss
I'll try one more time
And then to my past you will be consigned
You don't want anything to do with me
So I won't try and salvage friendship for you

Misty, sea-gray eyes
framed in wet-sand blond hair.
Brightly lit orbs
with a secretive, seductive shadow
surrounded by gold-streaked waves falling,
first left, then right.
Hidden in those eyes
are unknown thoughts and emotions
that - down your nose
and across those lips -
escape every now and again
through that flash of a smile.
Sarcastic, happy, rye,
I am enticed by
all of your wiles -
whether you mean them or not,
whether you see it or not -
I wish to learn the reason
your eyes smile.

The poison has run its course
And has worked its way out.
Removed itself from my veins
And once again, my brain is mine.
The wound has healed
And the pain has long absented.
Visible on the surface they may not be,
The scars still remain
Long past when you have passed.

I continue to wear those beads of Rosary
As a symbol against your blasphemy
Against that Religion of Love
I had built for you.

May they ward off future evils
- Like a crucifix for a monk -
Against the Church of Heart
That had taken you in as a friend
Where you became so much more;
Through your every sinister'y action
That I could not dream profane.

And now, to all, I close my doors
Be they devout, divine, mundane,
In fear of the failure of my Love
I had built for you.

So here it is
Here it is finally
Someone not trying to **** me over
That confirms you ******.
****** me over.
I can't believe that I loved nor cared
For you and your pathetic existence.
Good die
Have fun in the next ******* life

You're beautiful
Baby, don't leave me here
Don't leave me crashing
And that's how it happens
You don't see the true beauty
Until after the passion
You've moved on and gone
And left me crashing
Back into you
Everyone but me is laughing
My pride is torn
Driving me to distraction
I need you here
As the regrets are everlasting
Baby, don't leave me here
Don't leave me crashing

So don't go, don't go, don't go
We can be everlasting
Don't go, don't go, don't go
We can rekindle this passion
Don't go, don't go, don't go
Don't leave me crashing

I hate the hot and
I hate the cold.
First its one and
Then its the other,
Jabanero
Doesnt quite describe the
Latent heat to
Your subzero Mr. Freeze depths
You sink to
That threaten to **** me
Every time they dive.

Your body's warmth
Laying silently there in bed.
Quiet and calming
As I lift the sheets to snuggle in,
Contouring my form to yours,
My heart to yours.

As I lay my head to the pillow,
I'm afraid to close my eyes
For fear that my dreams
Will never amount to real life.

I feel them, smell them,
The winds of change are blowing.

The tide, the sea air,
They reverse their course and are flowing.

Things between us are growing, changing, evolving,
For better or worse is not yet for our knowing.

In time we will see
Whether you were ever truly in love with me.

When you come back,
Let's go down to the water.
We'll walk by its side.

We don't have to talk
- let our feet go wander -
Just smile inside,
Our heart's grown fonder.

Fingers interlaced,
Thinking of the future
When we'll reminisce
About when we were younger.

Most Masterful Self-Centered Queen Who Doesn't Care,
I am at a loss for what to say... and for what you don't say.

My most beloved girl, I fear
That all the words I have for you
Will fall upon deaf ears.

I always thought this moment would scare
Me, but now that it's here,
All my worries seem to disappear.

My emotional landscape is bare.
You've left me with nothing here,
But the cobwebs and outlines in the dust
Of the reasons I held you dear.

Why is it always when I'm at work
When things are happy, fun - we're talking -
But when the work day nears done,
Your sweet voice goes silent
And not a word is spoken
Until its due time for
Your wide dream account to open.

Where does that put me,
Where does this leave me,
When the time comes,
You're never there?

How come you feel such a compelling need
To taunt and tease me
With your presence,
And then deny me?

So if that's your silly little game, girl,
Go and let me be.

I'm so over and done with you.
Done with all you've put me through,
And all the grief I've born for you.
It is past time for moving on.

I've had to harden my soul, my heart, and my mind,
Against you and all
The people I know
To keep you from hurting me again.

I can't feel anymore and it tears me to pieces,
But these ends become necessities
To keep you from infecting me.
So let me go, let me be happy, please.

I could love and I could be
Anything anyone could ever want,
And now I can't be anything to anyone
For fear of letting one like you in.

Leave me alone
And let me recover my love
So that I don't do in turn what was done to me,
Because the last thing I ever want
Is to be you.

You're a beautiful existence
in a beautiful, brutal distance.

and I said

And you're a *****.

You shattered my existence.
Thank God for the distance.

No, no you don't.
Read my poetry and you will see
That I do,
But that can never be again -
Thanks to you.
You have broken me in every way
I knew it could be.
We, we can never be,
But we never were, either.
You were too busy, wrapped up
In your own self-centered world
To see what we
Could be,
Could have been,
And what we will never be.

So no, no you aren't.
No, no you don't.

I, I miss you.
Because I, I really loved you.
And now I don't know why I ever wanted to be with
You.
I'm left wondering why I tried
So hard, and for so long,
On something you let go
Because you needed some ****.

Little One, my love,
my heart, my world.
My love for you
and its strength for you
has power beyond words
that will never let go.
It will not shrivel and be gone
when the paper has devolved
back to its roots
when time out of mind
has worn it down to none.

The insanity
that seizes me
is fertilized by your past actions
and incubated in my head,
growing and growing
'til it can no longer be contained.
Then I burst out as crazy
to vent all my mind,
to build anew
in that space left vacant.

As I feel by turns spurned
and then jealousy in return,
on and off that keeps
the wheels of this evil complex
moving.
That jealous want
to have you to my own,
to be with you,
and to be all to you, causes my downfall in your eyes.

And I am left with love
as I try to continue to be good
to you and your needs
at such this distance.
I love you
- it feels as my only function -
and its all I ever want to do.
And then you let me go

Distance.
Distance, distance.
I am a distance runner.
I love to ride my bike long distances.
I love to go on long drives in my car.
I love to go the distance.
But Dear God,
I hate the distance
That keeps me from you.

Dark Beauty
Smile Bright
Black jacket
Black jeans
Tight to curves
Dark as night
Black boots
Beach bunnies wear
Sleek brown hair
Smooth brown skin
A curve here
A curve there
As dark brows arch your face
As dark lashes arch back
From dark brown eyes
Telling hidden thoughts
Masking emotions
Smooth movements
Dark as shadows
That is you
All this darkness
I can't wait
For this night
To see the moon

I don't want to be your friend,
I want to be your man.
You promise me "someday",
And I've listened up to this point,
But you don't want to be with me.
Not when, not how - Not now.

You say I didn't understand
Even when I try as best I can,
But when you don't want to talk
And tell me what's going on
- Do you know what? -
I don't want to understand,
I don't want to see life
Through the eyes of a liar.
I don't want to know life
Through the mind of a liar.
And most of all,
I don't want to live life
In a story of lies.

So to that effect,
This looks to be

My Goodbye

This could be
One of the hardest choices
Of my life,
But I have to make you see
That I want to Be
With you,
But that is not a Need.
This is a decision
And not a Necessity
To have you in my life.

So on that note,
I begin to step away.
Your actions speaking with force
In opposition
To all the words your voice has spoken.
I'm tired and overdrawn
Trying to be your one.
Goodbye to you,
My love,
My baby,
And maybe one day you will see
That you want to be with me.

The mind drifts,
Away and away,
To that far away place
Where my Heart stays.
It resides with you
In that place I long to be.

Here in class we chit and chat:
We gabble in Spanish,
We scribble in writing,
We yammer in literature,
And we run for sport,
But no matter the distraction
My Heart escapes.

To thoughts of you
It goes to wait.

I cannot detach
These circumstance that ****
From that which I feel
Towards you who I love

Despite what you do
And how I feel
How you treat me
I cannot make the obvious cut

A simple small incision
Between you and my life
Surgically separating
The breath from my life

But never fear
For I can hold my breath
Long enough
To catch another somewhere out there

The girl over there
Four desks away
Such pretty short hair
So tall with beauty
Would it be fair
If she noticed me?

Remember all of our great plans?
The wondrous plans for summer -
Those of love and passion.
Remember our plans of two hearts becoming one soul,
Those of being together come December?

What happened to those days,
And why did you have to move away?

I still have plans on being together,
And if I have to wait forever
To be with you in December,
I'll hold my tongue
And keep walking on
Until I reach that day
I can take you away.

That day where two Hearts become one,
And two hands hold
As feet leave tracks in the sand
- little images of love -
Until the waves wash them away.

Holding in this
Ocean that are my emotions -
Without you my shore
To crash and break upon,
To loose this passion,
And to satisfy my yearning
For you my Love -

Is the tide
Not being able to rise
And fall,
As my hips to yours -
Our breathing in sync
With that within yours and my breast,
Hot and fast -
And I am spent
As I break at last.

Today could be my homecoming
As I fly away from home
Fly so high away
On my way back to you

My heart and mind have finally set
And - by miracle and miracle again - agree
That its you who I want for me

My little baby
Who fills my heart and soul
To the brim with all my thoughts
Of passion for you
Whether you
Or past the time we grow old

To see your face this weekend
Your hand
To give my heart a hand to hold
And your lips to kiss
Will keep my fire for you full

Seeing your face
For the first time in a month
Causes me grief
But also causes my heart to jump.
Your subtle glow
And brilliant smile,
Love in your shining eyes,
Put me on trial.
Should my heart break?
Or find strength to go on?
I am always here for you
But not being near wears on.
I want to be with you -
where and how doesn't matter -
As long as we are together.

How strange it it to awake
To the sounds of life
Streaming right by

It felt like a lifetime
Being held under your spell
And I can finally breathe again

I thought the colors more vivid with you
Each and everyday more special than before
Though the moments sped by unable to slow

And then I came to realize
What life with you was truly like
And what it did to me

As those days passed
The colors dimmed
But I didn't notice the change

And in those last days
I finally began to see
My color palate was only whites, blacks, and grays

So in that first breath
That I took in
The color came back to my skin

And then I said
Goodbye, but I didn't say
I hope you burn like the hell
of the life you really have.

Little Elf-like creature
You wandered into my life
Right out of a dream
Enchanting me
Like the race you resemble
Cast your spell
And bite with your Sting
Capturing my eye
Whether you want to or not
Now do with it
What you want to
Or not

Big brown eggs
That most beautiful shape
**** Magnum
Its who you are
Its what absorbs me
All of me into you
Nothing else matters
But me with you
Seen through
Those earthy orbs
Porcelain domes of the land
Making me continent
And a martian planet
Inside and of them
And outside and apart
I love you none-the-less
I love you all the same
Let me kiss your eyes
And watch them fall asleep

patient and quiet
i hear the wind
                                                         and so it begins again
                                                         about you
i think to myself
how proud
                                                         that you are out on your own
                                                         living in this strange place called world
somewhere out there
high above is a shooting star
                                                         standing strong and alone
                                                         not a big girl, but a young, beautiful woman
i am transitioning
into greatness
                                                         that no one ever thought you'd be
                                                         with one exception - me.

Dearest Lovely,

Today is bright and sunny,
Full of sad sunshine.
Knowing that you aren't near,
The clouds
Frown,
And the birds sing
Some mournful song.
I see you up north
Having a wonderful time,
Meeting new people,
And an awesome new guy -
Which is just fine -
I've known all along
You weren't meant for me,
So I just wanted to say,
"I love you, my dear,
But for all that I've tried,
I can't trust you here
Nor there."
And with that said,
You go your way
And I'll go mine.
Goodbye

From

The Love of Your Life

Forgive and forgo, but never forget
Because in due time, like begets like.
Chaos begets chaos, and
Sorrow begets sorrow,
Hate begets hate, and
Boredom begets boredom, but
most of all - and most poignantly -
Love begets Love.

So in spirit of that credo,
I forgive you. I forgive you
For all you've done.
There's nothing to be done for it.
It's as the law states, and
So in your life will spawn more
Chaos breeding chaos, and
Sorrow breeding sorrow, and
Hate breeding hate, but
Since, through it all,
I still can forgive, but,
More importantly, Love you,
Love will breed and bring more Love to me.

And for that, I am content to know
That I can forgive you,
Because you've been through the Hell of your own Creation enough,
Without help from me.

this is The Way I Loved You
through your Blackout (Acoustic)
as My Paper Heart,
This Broken Heart,
has been Since I've Been Loving You,
Tim McGraw.
Being Your Walls
has shown me I need to Wake Up.
like The Man Who Can't Be Moved,
I've realized this isn't love, No It Isn't.
I was Love Drunk,
I've been through The Suffering,
and I always thought I'd be there When Your Heart Stops Beating.
you are Cute Without The "E",
something deep inside of me, because I will Always Love you.
I am consoled to know that I am Irreplaceable.
Goodbye
******,
Whatsername, does it matter?
you're a Flake
155.
you'll be in Somebody Else's Arms
even though you said you were Just Friends,
but I know you're thinking of me, because  I always gave you the Best of Me.
I am Everything You Want
and now that I'm gone, I hope that Gives You Hell.
in you I've seen all The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows,
even your Halo,
but you Should've Said No.
Forget December, I want it no more.
I want it to be Like We Used To.
I was so Naive, dealing with you.
it felt like I spent A Decade Under The Influence,
as things came Crashing down
onto the Wet Sand.
so help me understand, comprehend, Tell Me Why?
my Konstantine.

The Way I Loved You
Blackout (Acoustic)
My Paper Heart
This Broken Heart
Since I've been Loving You
Tim McGraw
Being Your Walls
Wake Up
The Man Who Can't Be Moved
No It Isn't
Love Drunk
The Suffering
When Your Heart Stops Beating
Cute Without The "E"
Always Love
Irreplaceable
Goodbye
******
Whatsername
Flake
155
Somebody Else's Arms
Just Friends
Everything You Want
Gives You Hell
The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows
Halo
Should've Said No
Forget December
Like We Used To
Naive
A Decade Under The Influence
Crashing
Wet Sand
Tell Me Why
Konstantine

I was delusioned
When I thought
Hate and Love
Were two different emotions.
I have you to thank
For setting me straight.
Your actions have confirmed
That these once opposites
Are now one and the same.
Your actions conjured in me first,
This smouldering Love, and now
A burning Hate.

Why couldn't I have been enough for you?
Why couldn't you tell me the truth?
Why couldn't you love me for me?
Why couldn't I let you go?
Why did I go through what I did for you?

Because I will always love you.

The way you move
Turns the knife
In my
Gut

The words you speak
Destroy my trust
In a
Look

But now I have become
Wise to your words

And I won't be falling
For any of this again

The hypocrisy of your actions
Won't infect me within
And I won't continue this trend

None of this will
Bring me down

But I will laugh
As I watch you burn in Hell

Dear Girl,
          11 months gone
And you thought we could digress
Along that path
And return to that time
When we were just friends?
          All you did
And all you meant to me,
You destroyed with a few damning words,
But I had to go digging
To find the proof.
          Its better this way,
In the end, you know?
Now you can be a happy girl,
And I can try and recover
Whatever is left of these last 11 months.
          I want to recover
Whatever is left of my trust
Towards all the other people in this world,
Or are they all liars lying in wait
To spit deceit at the few
Of the good heart and mind,
The same way you spit
On my love for you?
          All I can ask
Of you and your twisted life
Is how you could say
"I Love You"
To me?
Wait.


Don't answer that,
I don't want to hear
Anymore lies.
No more words
From your mouth,
Because all they do
Is infect my life
With the poison of your
Blackened Soul.
          So you go your way,
And I'll go mine,
And maybe one day
- As it always does,
And you'll be the first to agree with me here -
Karma will come back to haunt
You
For your actions here.
          No regrets
And no reservations
On your part
- Girls never have them.

But I Do.
          I'm sorry I ever met you.
          I regret every moment I've wasted on you,
          To help you and build you,
          To try and steer you right,
          When here in the end,
          All you've done is wrong me.

Maybe that's too strong though,
As I have learned a valuable lesson
That I never would have
Without a ***** like you.

Look at me
And try and understand
That I'm not just saying googbye,
I can't ******* stand you.

Get out of my life.
Get out.
And I don't even care if you say goodbye.
Just go.
Get away from me.

The lies and falsities
**** me, every time,
In a way you know
But never see.

I hate you.
I hate your hypocrisy.
Everything,
Down to the way you
                                            ****** Me.

Hawaii,
Just the name sounds magical,
Oahu.
Oh, wahoo!
But the swell was dying down,
Not as big as days prior.
Still good enough for me.

The undulating earth,
Not fire, water.
Slow rollers
With surprising speed.
Cresting, foamy peaks
Avalanching into those clear bowl-like valleys below.

Temporary hollowness
Racing to devour the escape
As the sleek slide rides
On until the chase is up.

Barrel after barrel
For time out of mind that day
Was spent in the surf.
Great day in those crystal waters
Riding the waves of the earth.

I was breaking up with you
In my head
- tearing my soul from yours –
And I didn’t know why?
You had always been amazing to me
All of my life.
But I felt the need
To get out and be free,
To live the life I thought was expected of me.
At times you were crushing me,
So I decided
               Just Let Me Be
And I drove to your house

I sat on your bed.
I had the nerve to wake you,
7am on a sunny day,
After a long night of the fraternity
- drinking and carousing with who-cares-what sorority –
In order to break the news.
And there you sat,
First angry, then shocked,
Then trembling
As the words, you lacked.

I was sober.
You were crying.
After long,
At last,
We had said all our words,
And I stood up and went out the door.

I walked around the corner and down the front steps,
And that’s where my resolve collapsed.

I dropped to the curb
Having been stabbed in the back;
Not by you, but me,
As I tried to keep my supposed path,
But to you, I could not turn my back.
So I sat there and watched
The world blur
As my tears dropped to the curb,
Eventually working up the nerve to give you a ring.

Thank god you picked up.
And I confessed to you
I had no idea what I was doing,
That I needed you for all the world.
So you came out and met
Me on that wet
Curb,
Picked me up and went inside.
Our lives not yet to divide.

I miss you so much
Thinking about us
The distance between us makes
My heart crack and break
Not seeing your face
Or going to your place
It hurts everywhere
When I think of you not being here
My heart's gone cold
Wishing for the days of old
I hate that you had to leave
And all of this situation
I gave you my heart
And this is what's become of it
Now to try and live with this
I want your love back
Back in my life
For my heart is not full without it
I love you more
Than anyone ever before
And not having you near
Is nearly unbearable
I hope that you come back one day
And say how crazy things were
That you're ready for me
Because nothing feels right without you
I go out of my mind thinking about you
As I wait for that day
The one where you come home
As my stomach is filled
By a sickening hollow
With all that I've put up with
All because of you
I'm verging on saintly
And you haven't even taken a second
To realize how that is so true
And how much more can you put me through
Before I crack and burst
From all this "someday"
****** "someday"
"Someday" in the "near and clear future"
But to me, everyday is a "someday"
And there are only so many "someday"'s
That can pass before we run out of days
I can't wait forever.
As you told me
All those months ago
To "not waste your time"
Now I'm asking you
"Please don't wast mine"
I'll love you forever.
I'll like you for always
Those are my words.
And that's how I'm trying to be.
The circumstances aren't making it easy.
I'd just like to ask for some help, so
Love, would you help me?
Pretty please?
And a cherry on top.
Because being in love with you
Is something I never want to stop.

The pain in me
From everything I see
And everything I hear
To me it seems
That your time with me
Is drawing near
The end

All of your words
And all of those phrases
That you murmured and moaned
Into my ear as our bodies
Were well drawn near
Look to be coming to none

One day in the future
Now appears
That is all it will ever be
And that you will never
Want to be only with

I am stuck up
Late again
Sleep evading me
And my thoughts
Surrounding you
I feel you drifting
Farther from me
The distance pulling
Your fibers of Love
From me

But I, like the fool,
Am still stuck up
On a wish
On you
Every moment
Every thought
All on you

Konfusion
Yes, I spelled it with a K
I like it
But that doesn't solve
How I should deal with it

The more we progress
The more silly games you seem to play
Kan it be
Spelled with a K, that I like it?
How then do I deal with this?

Everything she is
Kould it be
One spelled with a K
One that's not
I like, and I like it.

Torn by two
K it is
And K is not
Can it be I love
And Kan it be I'm not