Let me begin this with an apology.
An apology for the way I have been acting lately.
I do not know what I was hoping to achieve,
But I know it created nothing of what I want.

Let me begin this with an apology.
An apology that I know cannot ever encompass
Anything near what it ever rightfully should,
But for you I will still try none-the-less.

I don't ever want to lose you.
For over the last two years you have been my best friend.
Through the good and the bad, it has been us unto the end,
And to hear you say otherwise has turned my world on end.

Regardless of the fact that you might be moving on,
I can only ever be happy for you, and
I told you I would always be here for you, always.
And I do my best to keep my promises and my word.

I don't ever want to lose you.
I know that I may lose bits and pieces as we live and grow,
I don't ever want to lose you,
Your friendship I value over all others, that I know.

You are a part of me, something which you've made clear to me.
For better or worse that's the way it's going to be.
It's simply a fact from which there is no escaping,
And you know what? That's fine with me.

You are my sun. High in my sky.
When I think of you, it brightens my life.
I know I haven't been acting the way these words say.
For that, I hope you might accept my sincerest apology.

You and I were best of friends, something which we said would stay.
I lost sight of that, I strayed from the path.
If you're willing to give it a try, it's something I'd like to get back,
Because I value your friendship and I'd like it there in the end.

Let me end this with an apology.
An apology for my immaturity, the worst of me.
For all we've been through you deserve more.
If you give me the chance, I'll make it up to you with every word.

You are my sun.
You are part of me.
You were my best friend.
Hurting you is something I cannot forgive.

And if you cannot either,
I will understand.
I'm sorry.
This is my apology.

Incisive words dissect me,
Open me up for you to see
What was really inside.
You pried me apart still alive
Just to watch me squirm and writhe.

I could see it in the cast of your eyes.
You were obviously hurt by my actions, and
You wanted to see the exact moment when
That knife hit home inside,
To strike out at the one who has been
The source of all your woes.
A violent lashing out of a wounded soul,
One who is cornered with no way out.

You hit home. Yes, you hit your mark.
To some extent I did earn that barb.
But those exact words?
I think you went too far.

You say you've held back with me,
Well I've played that same game as well.
There have been times in our long, drawn-out history
Where I had some words to say,
Which I then tempered to remove
A large portion of the sting.
This time around,
You let me have it straight out, by and large.
You made me want to tell you out,
To return the favor, same for same.

But no, that will not be the way.
I'll keep it to myself and refrain
From loosing anymore inflammatory words
Into the air between you and I,
          Because I still do care.

My feelings have done anything but abate,
Merely changing, evolving to something else.
Because of this, I will hold back, as
Anything I might say in this second
Would be tainted with anger and spite, and
You and I need anything but that.

I love you.
Your words make it hard to believe
That they came from someone
Who I might care for.

I am Immature. I do not dispute hat.
I did not know how to handle
The situation in which we were placed.
I did not know what to do, so
I ignored you because I could not afford
To give in to these emotions towards you,
Especially when I am unexpectedly exposed
To you and then left in close proximity.

It would be all too easy to fall
Back to my original mentality towards you,
Held back as it already is with a failing veil.
          I love you.
I am just not in the right place
To give you fully everything you deserve.

So, in the Immature fashion of who I am,
I did the only thing I could
To prevent my exposure to my own emotions -
          I shut it out. I shut you out.

It was the worst route. I know that now.
It's clear to me. I heard it in the anguish in your strangled voice.
I panicked, and I did what I know.
I reverted to what's programmed in me.
I repressed everything. I ignored you.
          Because it kept me from feeling those words.

          I Love You.

I am sorry. It will never be enough.
You are the world to me.
I will never be enough. I will never be able to prove that.
I am nothing of what you deserve.
I deserved your every word.

I pushed you out,
And you let me out in the rain.
I took you back
And you pushed me out to sea.

Months later when I finally feel
That I've reached the shore
And have solid ground beneath my feet,
You knock me down,
Prove that is pure fantasy.
The invention of the siren song
Played to me in my revery.
I can see I'm still lost at sea.

I can never tell you how I feel.

I can never let you know
     That I meant every word I ever said,
          And that I'm still controlled by that in my head.

You turned away.
You let me out.
I have nowhere to go
And it still hurts inside.

It was wonderful to see you,
Even if I couldn't look at you.
It was a delight to be near you,
Even forced to ignore you as I was.
I do miss you, more than ever, more than even I know,
But it's something I must never tell you.
Never. I love you.
I hope I never see you again.

Life goes on. Lesson learned.
Patience is the key. Yet again, it gets the best of me.
I had you. I loved you.
Then I forced you away.
I should have held you close, kept you tight.
Instead, I tried to rush you through,
And let you out into the night.
It happened so fast, this reversal.
I'm still unsure what happened.
I lost you before I ever had you. Im still reeling.
Lesson learned. Life goes on.
I loved you. I live knowing
What I did to you,
And what you still do to me.

I have nothing left.
I never truly got past
How I felt,
My feelings for you.

My eyes so bright,
Excited by the light
At the sight
Of the one, of you.

I'm ok, I'm alright.
I know I'm not.
I hate you in the moment.
I still love you.

I live a lie.
I tell you a lie.
I'm done with you.
You are out of my life.

Yet seeing you again
Tells me I'm done.
The knife to my diaphragm.
I'm not over you.

So what do I do?
I ignore you as best I can.
I don't look at you
So you can't read my eyes,
So you can read my lies.

I have nothing for you.
You've moved on in ways I've proved
That I am well and truly incapable of.

My body aches and my body hurts
With the sorrow that I cover
To never let you see
The wounds I carry deep inside of me.

Back on our last day
You drove a shard deep in my core,
A fragment that I never could remove.
I can't let you see
That you still control me.

I'm lost.
My mind is gone.
Theres nothing here for me.
I am nothing to you.

I hate you.
So infinitely with everything that is me.
And I love you.
Uncontrollably, devastatingly.
I never want to be happy.
There's nothing left to believe.

Please, just go away.
I want it no more.
Please, leave me be.
You've paid me back and more,
I am ravaged to the core.
There's nothing left of me.
You've left nothing to me.

I burn brightly in the silence
Of the fires of my own making.

Why do you reappear now?
I thought I was done with you?
My heart was finally clear and clean.
You meant nothing to me.

The moment I saw your eyes again,
Everything came back.
My heart, my thoughts,
Everything I ever said,
I want you to know, I meant it.

My life has not been the same.
It will never be the same.
You were more special to me
Than you ever knew,
And more special than you will ever know.
You never will.

I will **** myself
With the effort to bury this deep inside,
Never to let these thoughts see the light of day.
You're happy with things as they lie.
Happy is what I desire for you.

I will survive this.

There you were, out on the dance floor.
I had not laid eyes on you in months.
You've grown, become something magnificent,
A budding young woman.
I can see a glow, a personal awareness,
That was never there before.

You have gained a level of self-confidence.
It radiates off you, and you have no clue.
You are beautiful, self-assured.

And you are happy.
It's everything I could have hoped for you.
You are happy.
He makes you happy.
You are content with life.
I am happy for you. It's true.

You try to initiate a hello, and I say hi.
How are you? I'm doing fine.
Forcing myself to keep you at arms length.
I can't look at you for fear
That you might read the lie.

But I am happy for you.
You deserve nothing less than what you've gained.
You don't need me in your life.

Bland statements such as you are amazing
Don't ever qualify how much of a blessing
I find you to be upon me.

Simply being you makes me do everything I can
To better myself in an effort that maybe
I might one day deserve you and everything you do.

All we did was begin to talk again after a break in communication,
And I already find myself more engaged in school
And giving a more dedicated and focused effort on my papers and homework.

It's not even down to trying to build myself into someone who deserves you
But the possibility by doing everything within my capabilities
To become that someone you deserve in return -
That someone who will love you unreserved
And protect you from everything in this world.

You Are Fire, and you are the spark to my life, my drive, my desire.
I know I broke things off with you with the possibility of rekindling things in the future,
Only after I'd gone off on my trip this winter and did some serious soul searching,
But now that we've been talking again for a scant few days,
I feel everything coming alight and those old embers threaten to catch fire.

The old layers of baggage and ash finally were allowed the chance
To blow away with the winds of change and the gusts of time,
Letting those old wounds and scars heal, the pain to dull and subside.
But this renewed communication with you comes dangerously soon,
And I fear for you and I about my self control when it comes to how I feel for you.

I still have the impending six weeks abroad coming up this winter,
And the contrasting schedules and the wild lifestyle that's expected over there
Is one of the major reasons I decided that it was for the best to put us to rest,
But these renewed urges so soon will be a test to see if I make it
Until I leave on my trip without rekindling old passions.
The last thing I want to do is compromise on my morals,
Leaving you here with promises
While I head beyond the horizon to unknown experiences.

At this age I don't trust myself that far.

We both need time off and away to grow and develop mentally.
I just hope that you're still here when I get back so I can let you know,
I love you.

All you ever did was take, take, take,
And I can't take it anymore.

Whether during our time when we were only friends
Or when we were dating,
All it ever was, ever, was taking from me:
My time, my energy, my hobbies, friends and family, even my poetry.

Slowly, little bit by little increment,
You took everything from me,
And now, so soon after I rediscover my passion for dance,
Make it into the last bastion of my resistance,
You go and steal that away too.

You were too young and we were both too immature,
I should have known.

I gave you everything I had in faith,
Hoping to help you make life right,
But instead, those greedy, little emotional fingers you never knew you had
Went and took everything in sight,

Leaving me lost with nothing which to call mine.

It will be nice once I find some time,
To really sit down and write,
As the summer begins to unwind
And I start to get free time on my weekends,

I can't wait just to throw on my headphones
And to space out and write.
I need this in the end all be all
To be alright.

It will be excellent to get away,
To block out everyone and everything
But those words and emotions
That are locked in my mind -

To commune that with music,
And within that harmony,
I can speak my soul out onto the page.

I awake to a new day having survived yet another long, lonely night.
I look out my window and see the fall sunlight already falling down,
Covering everything in a false warmth before the heat of the day arrives.
The ground is still wet from a little rain the night before,
Telling that it's only so long before winter makes it's way to the coast,
But for now, the remnants of summer linger behind reminding
Us of the good times we had laying in the sun with our toes in the sand.

So I awake to another day knowing that the sun still wants to shine bright,
And that the sun still wants to shine down upon me,
That I might rise to the day with the sun and seize
The best possible out there for me.

I still find so much torment bred within
The attempt to reconcile myself with something
With which I have never been fine.

You and I were no longer together,
And though I saw it coming
I told myself different,
Which did nothing to prevent the eventuality, the fruition,
The end result came about all the same.

You fell in love with my best friend,
It was inevitable.
He said the two of you knew that it was wrong,
But he wanted to tell me, and to ask all the same,
And to his shock, disbelief, and relief, I said it was fine.

Yes, I know it was a lie,
But if I had said no it would have happened regardless -
If there's one thing in life I know
It's how things like these go, the feelings take over -
So I said no, it's fine,
So that maybe you two might find the happiness that eluded you and I,
And I'll go my way and hope to find mine,
Without you two having to worry and hide,
And to deny those feelings I saw
Before either of you two knew what it was.

And now I still find myself trying to make it ok in my mind,
When all I find is pain when you come to mind.
One day, one day I will be ok,
But until then this is something I will bury and hide,
Until the day I find that things are alright,
And I can be happy for the love you two did find.

I made a promise to you and I broke it.
Sitting here in the halls where I first saw you
Drives it home, God, how I know it.

Reflecting back on some of those moments,
Still so raw, they still make me flinch,
Time and again bringing blood to the surface
Despite how many times I've gone back to revisit.

It's so bitter and it's so sweet,
This intensity of emotion encapsulated in those days.

Passions so fresh in a world so new,
Forging paths in lands all but unknown,
Feeling more alive than either of us could have guessed at.

Now I live with more regret than I ever thought I could ever know,
Stealing breaths of life,
Revisiting those moments I felt most alive.

It would be comical if it weren't so sad
How I find myself drawn inexplicably towards
Images and instances of you which still cause so much pain.

Moth to the flame - it's just nature - might explain this need found in me,
And I can't help but find the utmost pleasure
As I rub more and more salt in the wound,
Following each and every round with a squeeze of lemon
To add some spice and variance to the exquisite fair
That I have been feasting upon with my soul.

Try and deny it as I might,
It is in the depths of this despair that I delight.
Seeing your name is a shock and a stab
Of emotion that cuts so poignant and so true,
A breath of fresh air that makes me feel boundlessly alive
Inspite of the abyss it creates inside.

Old World Juliette, it is a sad day which has come true.
My skill with the English language failed me
And I said things which no man should ever say to you.

We did come to date for a while like I had wished,
But then it all came crashing down around us
Because of those ill-advised words which I said
In worse-fated moments of desire and despiration.

I wished to be the one, your protection against the world
But all I did was turn and cut you down again.
I claim to be a Modern Day Romeo,
Thinking of us as star-crossed lovers destined to be,

But we, like the original pair of this namesake, are fated to be separated
By the poison I have taken, crafted by my own hand
And put in each arrow of each word to you I had spoken.

Then, in Juliette fashion, I came out of my stupor to find our love dead,
Poisoned by my vial - by the vileness of my own creation,
Stopped before the budding love-lily ever truly started growing.

You only remember the good times when you're all alone late at night.
When you sit there and write by the light of a single lamp
Throwing shadows which creep out of the corners of the room,
Turning the familiar into monsters of this lonely gloom.

You only remember the good times when you're all alone late at night,
Forgetting all of the fights, the hesitations, and all of the insecurity, lack of surety.
These are the witching hours when those ghosts come out,
Always out of sight but never out of mind,
Reminding you of all the good times that you had,
Reminding you how much better it felt having someone there at your side
During those long, lonely moments that the dark of night has in store ahead.

It's in times like these that you must take strength and heart from the good times you had,
Knowing that the relationship built on such poor grounds was driving both of you crazy,
And that despite being alone, being by yourself lying in bed,
Missing the presence and companionship the two of you had,
This break from the insanity is the best thing for the both of you in the end,
And at the very least, in time, you will still be able to call her your friend.

So stay strong my friend,
Don't give into these ghosts,
Don't show weakness and fall back into dead ends.
The pains cuts deep and sweet this late at night,
But with the morning comes new light,
And with the day comes new hope,
Banishing the presence of these nightly ghosts.

I sit here, it's late at night.
I know I should be asleep but I have a need - I am compelled to write.
I spent all day being hungover, avoidng homework and being useless
So it's necessary for me to burn the midnight oil
In order to create something fruitful out of this lost day.

I also need to push forward now and
Guide the pen across the page
To maintain and foster the habit,
To help it grow and develop,
So that in the end I am a better writer.

There are times when I'm not feeling the words and I fumble awkwardly,
Or that I am too busy to be bothered to pause for a scribble,
But my goal is to make this time of writing and therapy
A daily habit.

If I am honest in my wish to be the crafter of words I envision,
I first must show the drive and determination, the dedication.
For the novice, words will forever remain words,
Only the truly gifted ever form sentences.

The last few nights of sleep have not been nearly as restful as hoped they could be
Seeing as those strange dreams linking you and me have been a recurring theme.
No, it hasn't been a repeat of that first odd dream where I
Sought to avoid you - something I am unable to do despite my best efforts.

No, of late it has been one where I am sitting at a bar and through the door walk in
A number of men who I've encountered in my life, some I've known well, and
One by one as they come in, they come up and sit down or stand next to me.
Clearly they are talking to me and trying to impart words of wisdom
Won by hard years of growth and experience gained by walking through this world,
Words by which they hope to save me untold years of toil, of pain, frustration, and yet,
When I wake each time, I only have the vaguest impression, no recollection
Of any of those poignant words which those men might have said.
And that surreal feel of the need to discern meaning from these meetings
Comes as I realize that one of the men coming to talk to me in the bar, in my dream,
Was your father.

He is not there in anger, he is anything but imposing, he is merely speaking,
And as stated before I have only the faintest reflection of what he said
Upon awakening.
That he is your father, coupled with these troubling instances of you
Popping up in my life in the most odd and beyond coincidental of circumstances
Leaves me desperate for any glimmer of clarification.
There's some message that's clearly here to see
But to my eyes that slips and escapes me
Unable to fathom the reason that these phantoms of you
Keep haunting me even into my sleep, into my dreams,
When all I want is to be free of you
As you are obviously free of the chains and snares of me.

I got my dancing shoes back on again today.
**** did it feel good!
I also got back into the rhythm and began tutoring for the beginner level class.
I can't believe that I would really miss that, but I did.

My excitement for dancing has been relit,
And the chance to pass that onto yet another class has me smiling.
A new class and a new semester of opportunities,
With growth and learning available to both the students as well as me.
It's such a great feeling to help them succeed,
As well as helping them progress, especially when they thought they were beyond saving.

Dance is a passion which burns within me.
I can't describe how good it feels to be back,
Adding fuel to the flame which burns in me so brightly,
Adding fuel to a flame
That I almost let get extinguished.

I've never been one to read too heavily into signs,
But Good God you have been everywhere these last few weeks,
Except where you should be,
Which is out of mind.

To begin I see your face every time I happen to see my best friends Facebook page
(He's the man you're now dating).
There you are, staring and smiling right back at me,
Happy as I could ever have hoped you could be.

Then of course he commented on some post you made so it gets put in my newsfeed.
It's just so strange all the places in which you are appearing.

Before that I had a dream where you had the same habit of appearing
In all those places that you least should be,
And despite my best efforts to evade you,
My luck - which normally runs exceedingly to the good -
Found the propensity for tremendously letting me down,
Rounding every last corner to find you already there.
Regardless how long we've been broken up, you've decided to comeback and haunt my sleep.

Next was an injection of even more instability into the already unsteady,
As my now ex-girlfriend talked to my best friend - yes, again, the man you're now dating -
And upon hearing how well things are going between you two
Realized just how unstable, just how rocky, things were between her and me
(And just so you remember, you two used to be friends before everything,
Back before you and I had started dating).
So now she decides to approach this subject, something to me seemingly out of left field...
A tear-filled, weepy approach, and she had trouble trying to vocally broach the subject,
That is, all up until once I figured out it was you, it made perfect sense on the heels
                                                           ­                                                                 ­                       Of that dream.

To cap off all the unreality of your presence in a life
That is otherwise utterly free of you - or at least that's how it should be -
Came only a short while ago... once again, completely out of the blue.
I was searching on Facebook for my buddy Johnny, though I think he's now going by John,
So I figured
                     John would do.
When the results came up, what the hell, holy crap, this is too bizarre to be truth,
Johnson came up as the first result I might be looking for - yup, that's you -
Someone I'm not even friends with on this social media nightmare,
Strange that it wasn't one of half dozen or so friends named Johnny or John.
No, it was you.

It might be finally time to take this to a psychiatrist, because,
As stated before, this ****'s getting too bizarre to be true.
Leave me in peace and leave my mind alone.
You've gotten your final revenge as the girl who replaced you and I have finally broken.
Things between us are over and I'm single,
While you are happily off at school in a budding relationship.
What must I do to rid myself of you, to be free of you
As you are obviously free of me?

You're most likely asleep and dreaming peacefully at this moment
While I sit here awake under one dim lamp wondering and writing about you,
Wondering if I actually want sleep, hesitant that it might bring no respite,
Rather only more thoughts of you, whereas you are free of me.

She was in my dreams again,
Her face there around every corner I went.
No matter how I tried to escape,
There she was each and every time,
In each and every place.

Regardless to how far I am removed
From that brief bit of time with her,
I find my old feelings
Rising unwanted to the surface,
A sickness I am unable to hold back.

I just avoided her in dream,
And now I am fleeing the scene,
Only to find her standing right in my way
As these scenarios and symptoms repeat,
Heave, heave, and heave again.

To write - that flow of words is therapeutic beyond all belief.
To write - the psychological rehabilitation and relief does for me amazing things.
This ability to write - it feels so natural and right.
The words, when written by hand, simply roll across the paper,
Falling from my brain out through my hand seemingly with no end.
It is extraordinary, the physical release that comes with the act of writing.
When I write there is such a lifting of tension, a weight no longer resting on my shoulders,
It always astounds me.

When I pick up the pen after a hiatus
This in rush of positive feeling is constantly surprising,
Each and everytime.
It makes me question why - each and everytime -
Why I ever put the pen down?

The danger, the thrills, the risk, the chills,
It all combines in wave riding to build
The most euphoric experience around.

It doesn't matter whether it's ten-foot or two-foot,
Nor whether I'm body surfing, bodyboarding, nor surfing - longboard or short.
Hell, even a stand-up board will do the trick... if you know how to use it.
Whatever you've got to use to gain that thrill
That comes with harnessing Mother Nature, even against her will.

Some might be snobbish and frown upon those
Who happen to ride only upon the foam,
But in actuality it doesn't really matter
So long as you're out there having fun, because in the end,
That's truly the one who wins.

And to tell you the truth, I believe that's me.
Scratch that. I know I am.
When I am out there I know I am having the most fun.
I'm whooping and hollering and exuding the raw exultation of being in the water -
Of being at harmony, of being one with Mother Nature.

That, that is what matters, and
That, that is what I embody.

It's always so funny how much I miss surfing.
I get away from it so much and for goodly lengths of time,
But when I finally get back to it,
It's true love all over again.

That pure, child-like jubilation at simply being back in the ocean
Combines with the euphoria and rush, the exuberance that comes with riding a wave.
It's a trip better than any drug,
A high more thrilling than anything else,
And the addiction always leaves me coming back.

I love it - simple as that.
Surfing: it's how life is meant to be.
Nothing else compares.

Sometimes you have to leave old things behind,
It comes past time to move on to other things.
We all find that we have grown stale within our own lines,
Sitting too comfy in the familiar surroundings of our daily lives.

It's time to move on to more volatile yet fertile pastures,
To test those bounds that we have set for ourselves,
To go and climb those mountains, to dive those seas,
To surf those waves, and maybe climb some trees.

As much as the enjoyment has been,
As much fun as we have seen,
How good things have been,
It's come time to move on.
It's come time to live those dreams.

Let's go test those bounds, and maybe,
Maybe we'll come back someday.

I'll pray to God,
And I'll pray to Santa Claus -
And to anyone else who has half an ear tuned -
That this Christmas time
I've really only got one thing on my Christmas list,
I've only got one holiday wish,
There's one out there I want,
And that's to be able to spend my Christmas with you.

It's Christmas time of the year again,
All I can think of is you.
There's all of this festive cheer in the air, and
All I can manage is a lesser feeling of blue.
Life without you really isn't anything -
Not that it was ever cracked up to be.

With all of this goodwill and love around,
I am bound with my thoughts on you,
Wishing that I could spend these days with you -
That I could hold you close these cold nights through.

None of which is meant to be,
So I will hold you in my thoughts
And send out a prayer in holiday cheer,
Wishing you a Merry Christmas,
And hoping that you and your family are well.

I can still see your smiles in my mind.
They're always there just behind when I close my eyes.
God, you're as beautiful there as you ever were.

How I miss falling into those brown eyes,
Getting lost and smiling so much that you had to ask,
What are you smiling at?
What are you smiling for?
To which I'd reply -
Nothing. Just you.

And maybe that's where I went wrong.
You weren't nothing, and it wasn't just you.
You were everything to me
And I was thinking of all that was you,
Each and every little thing that made me love you.

And it was mistakes like that
That caused me to drive you away,
Which forced you to have to walk away.

I was a fool.

I would give anything to have you back,
To have you for a second chance.
But admitting that won't change anything,
And however much I say I miss you
Will not bring you back.

It's not what you want.
I just have to learn to live with that.

I've come back down
And found I still feel the same.
Despite my attempts to get away, to escape,
I've found that nothing inside has changed.

I want it all to be gone
Because it obviously meant nothing to you.
I wish I could give it all away
Because I don't want it if you don't.
I don't want these emotions anymore
Because you got tired and gave it all away.

I left and ran
So far from what was me and you,
And when I came back,
I found that nothing inside had changed,
And I don't know why
But I don't really want it to.

This white has been beautiful.
Sometimes so much so that I would say
I have never seen anything so pristine.
The way it drifts down from the sky,
Coasting lightly down to the already snow-covered ground.
It might land upon the branch of a tree
Or possibly on a nearly covered bush.
And the way it deadens sound,
How it eliminates all the extraneous,
Adds to the aura of perfection.

But I'm ready to go home.
I have had enough.
I'm ready for all of the smog, traffic, congestion and sound,
And I'm ready for my ***** sand beaches.
Those cold, dark waters provide
Stark Contrast
To those endless slopes of the purest white.

But I am ready to go home.
I'm ready to go back where I belong.
Home.

Where do I have to go to escape you?
We are done with school so I don't have to see you,
Yet I still see you in the social media.

I've tried to read to clear my mind
But there you are, paralleled in every story.
When I listen to music to quiet my thoughts,
Each song is about how I feel for you.

What do I need to do to be done with you
The way you are clearly done and over me?

I've gone, I've gone away.
I don't like the cold,
A beach boy by nature.
I've gone away, so far from me.
Up into the mountains,
Reaching up for the snow.
And I've gone, I've gone from you,
Left my surfing behind,
To give snowboarding a try.
In hopes that maybe getting this far away,
Up to where the air is clear,
Will help me clear my head of you.

The thing is...
I don't really want it to.

You said you were tired and the spark was gone.
You said we were done.
I did my best to talk you out of it.
I did my best to tell you the best was yet to come.
But you still said no,
That you'd lost your ability to see the sun,
Said we'd had a good run and had our fun
But there's nothing more left to come.

So you went to take your time away
And I went for my time alone.
You said we shouldn't talk,
That we shouldn't see each other for a while,
So I ran and ran away from you,
And now I've run as far as I could -
Away from me, away from you,
Away from anything that reminds me of we,
Though most of all from everything I've become.

And through it all, all of this running,
All of this hiding and hopes of not thinking,
I still always think of you,
And find that more than anything,
I miss you
And I hope you've been doing well,
Because I've only ever wanted to see you happy
Even if it means not having you with me.

A pelican glides by
Making a long, lazy slice through the air.
The look of an ungainly and awkward bird
But a more graceful glide and flight
You will not find.

Catching the updraft right off the surface
And that pelican rides along
With barely a movement.
It is effortless.
Inches from the blue-grey waters.

It pulls up and lands on a rock outcrop
To watch as a lonely boat cuts
The water of the harbor
Heading out to sea.

Five knots in the entrance channel.
Soon it will gear up and find cruising speed
En route to who knows where
In this weather.

I hope they get there before
Those rains on the horizon arrive.
Because alone at sea in a boat
Is no way to ride out a storm.

I see the storm.
That darker patch of grey on the horizon ruffling the waters,
Darker than all of the rest.
It is slowly moving my way,
Towards shore.

It will get here by evening.
At the moment it is calm.
The air is hardly moving
And the waters are flat.

Yes, the token ripples move
As the surges come through,
But otherwise it's peaceful.

Cool winter air breathes.
The sands are dimpled from
Last night's rain,
Undisturbed other than a
Lonely pair of footprints.

A single sailboat marks the harbor entrance.

The storm will get here by evening.
But  for the moment
I will enjoy the peace and clam.

One storm has passed.
The other is yet to come.
But at the moment
All is peace.
All is calm.

Feed the birds, tuppence a bag.
Or sit with them and enjoy their company,
And people will call you crazy.
Something is better than nothing though.
Somehow they're less flighty than you,
Those other creatures I pursue.

Strange.

They hoo and coo same as you
But I enjoy the lesser amount
Of squawking and discontent.

From a further vantage I sit and look at
The spot on the rocks where we sat
Overlooking the ocean and watched the sunset.

In that same spot for hours we just sat and talked,
And for time we didn't, just enjoying the company.
Then it was sunny and the end of summer.
Now the clouds are in and the rain is coming.
One storm has passed and I can see the next on the horizon coming.

The air and waters are calm for the moment
But there's more to come.
I can see the rains.
They're coming down thick out in those squalls
Yet to come ashore and share their fury.
Give it time and they will arrive.
No need to rush, each in its own time.

But in odd contrast, yet fitting,
I see the sun fighting through the thick clouds.
No blues skies yet but enough gleam to tell
That they will return after
The storm has blown itself out.

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Now why couldn't I just come out and tell when I had the chance?

I think my favorite subject is me.
Simple,
Humble,
Me.
I can think of nothing and no one else more worthy of writing about.

Y es, I know it seems a little narcissistic, and
O f course, some people might take it the wrong way, but
U nder the circumstances, who else would I really want to write about?

I woke up in the morning and said
Today is going to be my day
That was different than the day before.
Before, each day was yours.
I got up for you. I lived for you.
For You.

But I got up today and said
Today is going to be my day
That's different than the day before.
It's not yours. Its not hers.
It's mine. Do you hear?
For Me.

I got up and said
Today is going to be my day
That's different than it was the day before.
I'm not waking up to live for anyone else.
This isn't anything to deal with you.
It has nothing to do with her.
It's all mine, do you hear?
Mine.
For Me.

I got up and said
Today is going to be my day
That's different than the day before,
But do you know what?
It won't be different than tomorrow,
Or the day after that, or even the one after that, or ever.
Those are mine, do you hear?
Not yours, not hers. Mine.
They are for me,
And the always will be
Because I got up and said
*Today is going to be my day

This is Southern California - the land of surf, sand and sun -
But since things went south between you and me
All of that has been replaced by the rainy and grey.
This weather system that rolled in has been
Hanging around like the memories of you.

You said I meant a lot to you,
But the way you pushed me away and let me go
Despite admitting you still had feelings for me
Has got me confused and I'm reaching season lows.

Things weren't perfect, that I do know,
But I had hoped having this winter break respite
Might allow us the time we needed to make the turn around,
To make things all right.

Now I sit and think of you.
I hope that winter's been treating you great.
I hope you've caught up on sleep
And aren't losing it up at night thinking of me.

It's been long since I've last seen snow,
Something near a full two years or more.
I've still got an assortment of gloves, jackets, pants and gear
But there's still the tingle of a nervous fear.
Then again, that's there at the beginning of any trip.

Last time was a trip at night up the lifts under the lights -
My first time ever and so far my last.
Let's see what I remember and how I do.
If I remember -  as all men do - I did pretty **** good for a beginner.
So we've got to pick up right there
Ad get even better.

This trip up looks to last a little longer
Than that one evening that was spent out in the white.
We'll get a hotel, or maybe sleep in the car,
And spend a few days up on the mountain.
Get away from this SoCal brown and sand
For some much needed R&R;
In a white winter wonderland.

I've never been big on the cold, but I love snow.
It's weird, I know.
But this time I plan to try and enjoy it all.
To go spend time in the purifying white,
To go scour my lungs clean in the clear, frigid air,
And most of all spike my body from the lack of adrenaline
By flying up and down the mountain.

I'm ready for the snow. I'm ready for the white.
I'm ready to get away from everything that's been going on down here.
I'm ready to let go.

The day before the trip is one where I'm up early - like today.
I've got to go get my oil changed and have the fluids checked.
Next up is to gas up and fill the tires up to *****.

Take a break to relax and smell the coffee - medium roast - and a bagel with cream cheese.

Back at it withe the planning and the finding:
     A hotel to stay in
     The chains for the tires
     The clothes needed...
     The clothes I will sleep in.

It's all there and packed up, stacked up by the door.
Time to load up the car.
Tomorrow we're headed for the snow.

Empty the car first of all my junk and trash.
I can't believe how much has piled up and been left.
Maybe let's take out the floor mats and lets definitely use the shop-vac.
Spray in some Febreeze... a couple extra squeezes...
And then squeeze the Windex and wipe all the glass and surfaces clean.

Finally time now to lean the back seat down.
Toss in one bag and then the next.
Stack it, stack it, stack.
One more, two more, there's the last.
Close up the door, lock it, it's time for one more rest.
Tomorrow we're headed for the snow.

Self-centered, selfish poetry
Written in a royal purple.
It's time for me to think
About me.

I've spent so long living and doing
Every little last thing for
All those others and everyone else
But me.

I'd built my walls up tall but
I've beaten myself up and
I've broken myself down.
It's time for me to give me
Some "me" time.

Go, get away, leave it all behind.
It's time to go explore,
Time to go have an adventure.
Spend some time away
And when I get back maybe then
I'll be refreshed and ready
To face the world again.

Is it wrong of me to be and to want to be
Faithful to this girl when we're just starting out?
When we've really yet to begin?

Is it strange? Is there really something so wrong with me?
Have past relationships so scarred me?
Have Pop Culture, media, and trends
Really fought that hard to warp my grasp on reality?
Have they truly convinced me that the way I see
Isn't the way I should be living?
Or is it just blurred vision,
Some social distortion?

I just want to do the right thing, or so I think,
And all I want to do is treat her fair and care
For her the way I believe.
Yet all I see on the TV screen tells me
That - as a male especially - I need to
"Not Put All Of My Eggs In One Basket",
That I SHOULD do this and NOT that
At the same time while I
Talk to this girl and try for that one because...
Because, well... I'm a male,
And that its not right if I'm NOT doing these things,
That there must be something wrong if I'm not, because
If not exactly socially accepted, it seems widely expected.

But that's not me. It's not me.
All it is is social distortion.
I tried it once but it wasn't a fit.
I had too much of a conscience
And I really didn't have the stomach for it.
I left that path feeling ***** and depressed -
Let down for having let my morals down.
I was raised better than that.

All I want to be to this woman is
An upstanding and caring man who
Shows her a never ending flow of loyalty and passion,
Someone she knows will always tell her the truth.
I long to be the one she'll never question except
In rare moments of self-consciousness and doubt,
Caught wondering, "Why does he care for me so much?"
To which I would say -

"Have you ever paused to see
That I adore the ground beneath your feet?
And for all that you don't like being only 5'1" tall,
Let cliche ring, but I find you perfect as you are.
Your nervous little laugh,
The way your cheeks rise,
The shape they make your smile,
And the way that smile reaches and lights
Your brown eyes
When you laugh at something silly I've done."

"It's in the way you hold yourself,
It's in the way you stand,
It's in the way you feel in my arms when we dance.
It's in the way we interact,
The enjoyability when we sit and talk, when we chat.
I could lose myself for days locked in those moments,
Drowning myself in every word you have to say
And in the chance to drink in your eyes.
What you need to hear me say, 'I am a man taken'."

So with all of that said,
Is it so wrong of me to want and to be
Faithful and unstraying from her when
We're just starting out and things have really yet to begin?
Is it really wrong
Or is this just social distortion?

Another scar to bear
And another pain inside.
Nothing for you to see,
It's hidden behind my eyes,
But I do hurt, and myself I revile,
After these long months of living as a friend.

Victory, Victory, Victoria
So this is what's become of us.
Another scar,
Something my words did not intend,
Neither of us safe from their path.
We both played our part precise,
We, the engineers of our own demise.

You, with waiting to play your cards,
Unfortunately you played it too close, you played too far.
How long is a guy supposed to wait
Before he wises up,
Before he realizes he will not catch the bait?
You tell a guy just want to be friends, twice,
And you know what, he thinks he gets the point.
You built your walls up too high
To try and prevent a painful ending,
And instead we never got to start.

Victory, Victory, Victoria
So this is what's become of us.
Another scar,
Something my words did not intend,
With neither of us safe from their path.
We both played our parts precise,
We, the engineers of our own demise.

It seems as if I paint it all your fault
But we both played our parts.
I waited patient and tried to be
The best friend and what I thought you needed,
And when you mentioned your friend
Thought I was an "interest"ing guy,
I walked into it with my head held high
And both eyes staring open wide,
Refusing to let myself see
What you really did mean.

Victory, in honesty, I could only wait so long, hating to be alone,
And Victory, in honesty, I never thought I'd be singing this song,
Victoria, as things wound and rewrapped themselves
So quickly after I picked out a new course.

And to you again, how long do you
Expect a guy to sit tight and wait?
It's a lonely life to watch a girl live life
Until she finds she is ready to date.
And as for the poems you quoted at me,
Only one was written about the new "she".
If only you'd taken the time to see what
The upload date would surely tell you,
A different story on who the subject
Of that second poem was,
Of who I wrote that other poem for -
Or maybe you prefer now not to know
So neither of us has more reason to hurt
Beyond the fact that
I never showed you that poem.

So Victory, Victory, Victoria
This is what's to become of us.
Yet another scar to bear,
Something from my words I never did intend,
With neither of us safe from their path.
We, the players, acting our parts precise,
We, the engineers, the designers of our own demise.

I simply think of you and it brings your face to mind.
I see your smile and the joy in your eyes.
I hear your laugh and feel your hug in my arms.
All of which makes me smile,
A real smile, a genuine smile -
And it's subtle too.

It comes from the inside, deep and hidden.
It shows in the slight upcurl at the sides of my mouth,
The lowering of my eyelids as
The eyes soften, warm, and light up -
Those day dreamy eyes.
The cheeks widen just a little, same as the mouth,
A faint lift that says -
My thoughts are nowhere near the here and now,
So please do not let anyone but you disturb.

For all of my self-proclaimed skill and finesse with the English language,
               For every single English and Lit. course I've taken, every last book I've read, and all of the papers I've written,
               I come to find that I am left at a loss as to the words to say to you on this subject
               Because of me being too bashful, too shy and too nervous, all in a blush when discussing my emotions, and
               I cannot be boisterous, I am unable to boast and roast, to showboat, I am incapable of acting my way through this
               For fear that you will perceive what I say as false emotions and label my words as untrue,
               So, in lieu of that, I will put it straightforward here, without gloss nor glamour nor anymore preamble -

               Would you consider dating a guy like me? Could you see yourself dating me? Would you date me and maybe someday be
               My girlfriend?
               Because I could see myself dating a girl every bit like you,
               And I just wish you knew how much

                         I want to kiss you so
                         That you might know, and more so, feel
                         What I feel for you now
                         Despite all that I cover and hide
                         With this noisy and verbose facade.

                         But, even more than that, I
                         Long to hug you, to hold you in my arms.
                         Such an embrace as you've
                         Never felt before and
                         - if left up to me -
                         The likes of which from another
                         You would never need.

                         I long to hold you in
                         Such a way that
                         You feel eternally safe, and
                         That space between my arms
                         Will ever be synonymous with
                         Safety, comfort, and the protection
                         That you seek out in the good times and
                         When the wide world grows scary and wild
                         And those out there try to bring you down.

               So there you have it, as simple and plain as I can make it - whether to the good or the bad - it's been said, and
               All that I can hope is that you know that I do mean every last word that you have just read.

Let's get away and put the mind at ease.
Let's relax and focus upon the sweet, salty ocean breeze.
Fold up the newspaper and tuck it away,
De-stress and decompress from all that is everyday.
So let's lean back a little more in this beach chair of ours,
Stretching out a little more to get the sand between our toes,
Tucked in the sand, sticking out and sun-brown like little pieces of drift wood.
The warmth of the sun combined with ocean spray in the wind
Hits perfectly upon our changing from light to dark brown skin.
We've never been one to have an umbrella drink in hand
But our Mexican beer with lime sits next to us sweating in the sand.
So as the day wears on we'll chit and chat, talking about this and that,
Watching the sun slide down we pull lower our beat up old straw hat
To better hide what is an already sun-burnt face
In this, what over the years has become our quiet place.
It's more than true that time goes quickly when having fun,
And we barely remember where and when we had begun.
Regardless, we wonder how it has possibly gone so fast and where it went,
But not a moment would we not consider time well spent.