It's been long since I've last seen snow,
Something near a full two years or more.
I've still got an assortment of gloves, jackets, pants and gear
But there's still the tingle of a nervous fear.
Then again, that's there at the beginning of any trip.

Last time was a trip at night up the lifts under the lights -
My first time ever and so far my last.
Let's see what I remember and how I do.
If I remember -  as all men do - I did pretty **** good for a beginner.
So we've got to pick up right there
Ad get even better.

This trip up looks to last a little longer
Than that one evening that was spent out in the white.
We'll get a hotel, or maybe sleep in the car,
And spend a few days up on the mountain.
Get away from this SoCal brown and sand
For some much needed R&R;
In a white winter wonderland.

I've never been big on the cold, but I love snow.
It's weird, I know.
But this time I plan to try and enjoy it all.
To go spend time in the purifying white,
To go scour my lungs clean in the clear, frigid air,
And most of all spike my body from the lack of adrenaline
By flying up and down the mountain.

I'm ready for the snow. I'm ready for the white.
I'm ready to get away from everything that's been going on down here.
I'm ready to let go.

The day before the trip is one where I'm up early - like today.
I've got to go get my oil changed and have the fluids checked.
Next up is to gas up and fill the tires up to *****.

Take a break to relax and smell the coffee - medium roast - and a bagel with cream cheese.

Back at it withe the planning and the finding:
     A hotel to stay in
     The chains for the tires
     The clothes needed...
     The clothes I will sleep in.

It's all there and packed up, stacked up by the door.
Time to load up the car.
Tomorrow we're headed for the snow.

Empty the car first of all my junk and trash.
I can't believe how much has piled up and been left.
Maybe let's take out the floor mats and lets definitely use the shop-vac.
Spray in some Febreeze... a couple extra squeezes...
And then squeeze the Windex and wipe all the glass and surfaces clean.

Finally time now to lean the back seat down.
Toss in one bag and then the next.
Stack it, stack it, stack.
One more, two more, there's the last.
Close up the door, lock it, it's time for one more rest.
Tomorrow we're headed for the snow.

Self-centered, selfish poetry
Written in a royal purple.
It's time for me to think
About me.

I've spent so long living and doing
Every little last thing for
All those others and everyone else
But me.

I'd built my walls up tall but
I've beaten myself up and
I've broken myself down.
It's time for me to give me
Some "me" time.

Go, get away, leave it all behind.
It's time to go explore,
Time to go have an adventure.
Spend some time away
And when I get back maybe then
I'll be refreshed and ready
To face the world again.

Is it wrong of me to be and to want to be
Faithful to this girl when we're just starting out?
When we've really yet to begin?

Is it strange? Is there really something so wrong with me?
Have past relationships so scarred me?
Have Pop Culture, media, and trends
Really fought that hard to warp my grasp on reality?
Have they truly convinced me that the way I see
Isn't the way I should be living?
Or is it just blurred vision,
Some social distortion?

I just want to do the right thing, or so I think,
And all I want to do is treat her fair and care
For her the way I believe.
Yet all I see on the TV screen tells me
That - as a male especially - I need to
"Not Put All Of My Eggs In One Basket",
That I SHOULD do this and NOT that
At the same time while I
Talk to this girl and try for that one because...
Because, well... I'm a male,
And that its not right if I'm NOT doing these things,
That there must be something wrong if I'm not, because
If not exactly socially accepted, it seems widely expected.

But that's not me. It's not me.
All it is is social distortion.
I tried it once but it wasn't a fit.
I had too much of a conscience
And I really didn't have the stomach for it.
I left that path feeling ***** and depressed -
Let down for having let my morals down.
I was raised better than that.

All I want to be to this woman is
An upstanding and caring man who
Shows her a never ending flow of loyalty and passion,
Someone she knows will always tell her the truth.
I long to be the one she'll never question except
In rare moments of self-consciousness and doubt,
Caught wondering, "Why does he care for me so much?"
To which I would say -

"Have you ever paused to see
That I adore the ground beneath your feet?
And for all that you don't like being only 5'1" tall,
Let cliche ring, but I find you perfect as you are.
Your nervous little laugh,
The way your cheeks rise,
The shape they make your smile,
And the way that smile reaches and lights
Your brown eyes
When you laugh at something silly I've done."

"It's in the way you hold yourself,
It's in the way you stand,
It's in the way you feel in my arms when we dance.
It's in the way we interact,
The enjoyability when we sit and talk, when we chat.
I could lose myself for days locked in those moments,
Drowning myself in every word you have to say
And in the chance to drink in your eyes.
What you need to hear me say, 'I am a man taken'."

So with all of that said,
Is it so wrong of me to want and to be
Faithful and unstraying from her when
We're just starting out and things have really yet to begin?
Is it really wrong
Or is this just social distortion?

Another scar to bear
And another pain inside.
Nothing for you to see,
It's hidden behind my eyes,
But I do hurt, and myself I revile,
After these long months of living as a friend.

Victory, Victory, Victoria
So this is what's become of us.
Another scar,
Something my words did not intend,
Neither of us safe from their path.
We both played our part precise,
We, the engineers of our own demise.

You, with waiting to play your cards,
Unfortunately you played it too close, you played too far.
How long is a guy supposed to wait
Before he wises up,
Before he realizes he will not catch the bait?
You tell a guy just want to be friends, twice,
And you know what, he thinks he gets the point.
You built your walls up too high
To try and prevent a painful ending,
And instead we never got to start.

Victory, Victory, Victoria
So this is what's become of us.
Another scar,
Something my words did not intend,
With neither of us safe from their path.
We both played our parts precise,
We, the engineers of our own demise.

It seems as if I paint it all your fault
But we both played our parts.
I waited patient and tried to be
The best friend and what I thought you needed,
And when you mentioned your friend
Thought I was an "interest"ing guy,
I walked into it with my head held high
And both eyes staring open wide,
Refusing to let myself see
What you really did mean.

Victory, in honesty, I could only wait so long, hating to be alone,
And Victory, in honesty, I never thought I'd be singing this song,
Victoria, as things wound and rewrapped themselves
So quickly after I picked out a new course.

And to you again, how long do you
Expect a guy to sit tight and wait?
It's a lonely life to watch a girl live life
Until she finds she is ready to date.
And as for the poems you quoted at me,
Only one was written about the new "she".
If only you'd taken the time to see what
The upload date would surely tell you,
A different story on who the subject
Of that second poem was,
Of who I wrote that other poem for -
Or maybe you prefer now not to know
So neither of us has more reason to hurt
Beyond the fact that
I never showed you that poem.

So Victory, Victory, Victoria
This is what's to become of us.
Yet another scar to bear,
Something from my words I never did intend,
With neither of us safe from their path.
We, the players, acting our parts precise,
We, the engineers, the designers of our own demise.

I simply think of you and it brings your face to mind.
I see your smile and the joy in your eyes.
I hear your laugh and feel your hug in my arms.
All of which makes me smile,
A real smile, a genuine smile -
And it's subtle too.

It comes from the inside, deep and hidden.
It shows in the slight upcurl at the sides of my mouth,
The lowering of my eyelids as
The eyes soften, warm, and light up -
Those day dreamy eyes.
The cheeks widen just a little, same as the mouth,
A faint lift that says -
My thoughts are nowhere near the here and now,
So please do not let anyone but you disturb.

For all of my self-proclaimed skill and finesse with the English language,
               For every single English and Lit. course I've taken, every last book I've read, and all of the papers I've written,
               I come to find that I am left at a loss as to the words to say to you on this subject
               Because of me being too bashful, too shy and too nervous, all in a blush when discussing my emotions, and
               I cannot be boisterous, I am unable to boast and roast, to showboat, I am incapable of acting my way through this
               For fear that you will perceive what I say as false emotions and label my words as untrue,
               So, in lieu of that, I will put it straightforward here, without gloss nor glamour nor anymore preamble -

               Would you consider dating a guy like me? Could you see yourself dating me? Would you date me and maybe someday be
               My girlfriend?
               Because I could see myself dating a girl every bit like you,
               And I just wish you knew how much

                         I want to kiss you so
                         That you might know, and more so, feel
                         What I feel for you now
                         Despite all that I cover and hide
                         With this noisy and verbose facade.

                         But, even more than that, I
                         Long to hug you, to hold you in my arms.
                         Such an embrace as you've
                         Never felt before and
                         - if left up to me -
                         The likes of which from another
                         You would never need.

                         I long to hold you in
                         Such a way that
                         You feel eternally safe, and
                         That space between my arms
                         Will ever be synonymous with
                         Safety, comfort, and the protection
                         That you seek out in the good times and
                         When the wide world grows scary and wild
                         And those out there try to bring you down.

               So there you have it, as simple and plain as I can make it - whether to the good or the bad - it's been said, and
               All that I can hope is that you know that I do mean every last word that you have just read.