"are you okay?"

"of course I am."
"what could be wrong?"

something is wrong
something deep
drink another
dip another
snort another
let whatever is wrong die
the answer to the question at the end of the next bottle
***** your insecurities
leave them all behind
forget her and leave emptiness in her place
embrace it
your only companion
an empty heart left to an empty man
define yourself by them
define yourself by a girl attached to your hip
and pay the ******* consequeces
smile and laugh on the outside
but continue your internal bleeding
wipe away the blood from your nose
cover up the scars on your arms
and stare again at your empty phone
text her one more time and expect no response
drive through empty streets
feel comfort in knowing that your are alone

sins of my father
killed two men, at the age of eighteen
shot them both on Old Quaker road
then walked all the way back home

sins of my father
entered his house gun in hand
sat at the table, stared at the door
waited for the end, no tears shed

sins of my father
hours had gone and past by
sheriff finally rolls down the drive
to take my father for his misdeeds

sins of my father
left that gun on the table
greeted the sheriff at the kitchen door
nodded, an shook hands with his fate

sins of my father
mother cried and sisters wept
humiliated for a families deeds
broken home leaving no hope

sins of my father
hung him in the morning on old scaffolding
his face read of no heaven or hell
mama and her children no longer cried

sins of my father
id take the sins of my father
forty five years spent sinning
he left eighteen years to repent

a voice thick and grizzled
soaked in a deep bourbon for countless years
taken out to be dried in a once burnt smokehouse
then shot twice with rock salt and hit by a '56 Chevy
a voice to be raised too

through open windows
hear screams at night
lay motionless
lone mattress
dark empty room
four walls closing in
a cold sweat
in a dry heat
growls and grunts
raise from outside
soft drum beats
the devil is owed his due
hands run through matted hair
breath long and staggered
tobacco stained teeth
******* induced nosebleeds
screams grow louder
grizzled voices rip free
broken hands pound
dead chest heaves

raises
raises
raises
one high pitched ring
it was always me screaming

walked by that same building each day
the same piano music swept from the third floor
down to me, down to the street
focused only on the melancholy melody
the sweet drop and pitch of each note
didn't stop and listen though i yearned too

I've always written about her,
every word, every thought,
all seemed to stem from her memory
i needed her to say something,
i needed her to just give up on me,
and she wouldn't.

reaching for an empty glass,
reaching out for you.
and you wanted nothing to do with it
"once upon a time i promised we'd be okay"
now we are everything but
my mind accepts that as the gift it is
your words say you haven't let me go,
you haven't given up,

but I've let you go
I'm over you
a false love, now completely gone
its hard to say i never cared
yet that's all i have left!

i threw away our old pictures, deleted you from my phone!
laughed at all you'd written me in my drunkenness!

and finally succeed in not caring about you...

i said it...
i
don't
care
to be friends, to make things civil
to confide every lie, and every pain, in you...

your name a familiar sound to my mouth
only foreign and acidic
my thoughts of you, gone
the area you occupied inside me, vacant
waiting to be filled by something else

my god, i have forgotten you
your face
your touch
your lips
all gone from my empty memory
all replaced with a numb
a sadly comforting numbness

i have forgotten you my dear

now can i move on?!
can i live my life?!
can you live yours?!
can you stop caring?!
can you give up any hope you've ever had?!

oh god, i have forgotten you...

one quick breath
diving headfirst into a pool of imagined chlorine
sinuses ache and burn
one more hit, one more time
stop the thinking and start the drinking
drown the pain in whatever way you can
fist fights and broken bones make you more of a man
***** your morals, thoughts, and inhibitions
forget what matters and focus on sprinting
throw up those blinders and pick your point
for tonight your free and finally your own person

I never felt truly alive until the first time I met you
I was 15, at a time when sports, school, and my first car should have clogged my mind
Kids in school wrote poems, complained about parents, and how they couldn't get drunk
I spent nights in back alleys, and bars giving my best friends black eyes

I met you from a cracked rib and a broken nose
I tried to wipe the blood from my face, as you laughed and helped me up
"Johnny, Johnny, when we get cut we let it bleed."

Like all those other kids I wanted to **** myself
You taught me not to die without a few scars
"Do not waste those unscarred knuckles"
So that's what I did, I followed your ****** footprints
Walked in your dark path, you made me stronger for it

And yet through all those fights, all that inflicted pain
I smiled because of you, I walked forward because you did too
Man, you were the brother I never had
The Savior to my stupid un-tempered self
I spent three years as your equal, as your friend
I left for a new state, taking all you taught me
A new man, raised by you
And then you left,
Late that night, I sat in a classroom
You did what we know is best and stayed in those places
You always had my back, and I would always have yours
But I was gone
I would have seen that man
I would have killed him had I known...

Had I only known,
Had I seen that last punch, had I only caught that last kick
Id be the one laying out on the cold concrete
You'd be the one living free
You wouldn't regret your life, and I wont let myself regret mine
No one ever really knew our minds
The men that actually lurked behind our faded eyes
And now no one will ever know you

"Get up Johnny, Johnny"
"No one can keep you down forever"

that alternative
it would have made sense

my hand could have fit with yours
your eyes could have seen into mine
see, you could have understood me
words could have matched words
thought could have matched thought
scars could match scars
hearts could match hearts
lips could match lips
pardon this, but maybe hips could match hips

and through all that time we'd fight
of course we'd fight
just like it was now, it would have been then
the only difference, in how it would end

remembering the first time we met
remembering how I hated you and you hated me
funny the childish ways my mind used to work
funny how it took me a lifetime or two to finally be
completely comfortable with what you meant to me
id never tell you this, its not a huge deal
hell, not even sure if any of that **** was real
yet i felt something there
covered behind those angry stares
we exchanged insults and never kind words
yet given the chance id follow your world
distance and time, never the right place
seems right, to never have held your hand
or kissed you cheek, talk is big
but my walk is cheap
you assured me I'm a *****
though drunk messages led to bashful smiles
honestly we might have been good for each other
but that's something i tell myself im content to never know
happy for you is all i have to say

Broke my back and tore my heart out
and threw it still beating to the birds

why the hell would i want to feel anything

i hate to see you happy
and hated myself for wanting to move on

you drown those sorrows with life
i drown mine with stupid decisions and alcohol
poison the body to ease the mind
killing off the brain cells that disagreed
.3 one week, .32 the next
lifes easier when im not myself
i can lie in their beds comfortably
hold them in my arms and not care about you

sad to say its finally working
i never said i love you because i couldn't mean it
and to tell the honest truth I never would have
stay hung up on me, let me fill your mind
because you will never fill mine

I spit tar and bleed black
my ******* smile is for them
my dead eyes follow their curves not yours
my broken hands caress those bodies that fill my bed

look for another like me
then you will finally see that you'll never find him
because anyone you could choose will always be better then me

I smoke,  I drink, I ****
I only came to get messed up
Yes I party even though Im underage
You dont get it, women love this rage
See I get them every nite
Without any sacrifice
Some want to call it love
I just wanna call them stupid
Im not here because I care
Im here for a death wish to come and see me
This point I have nothing left
Break bones for cash
See, every day lifes a blast
If you only knew my past...*

Youd know all of that wasn't me.

These hands ache
Raw from a punching bag
Every thud a wince
Every beat a tear
Move faster, hit harder, get better...
...stay pathetic...
All for her,

"Men blame their exes for their misfortunes,  and those are usually lies."
"They were all ******* and *****!"

And they were, but I think of you and my heart aches
You weren't
You
Someone I've worked so hard for,
Fought so long for,
And yet now, I'm just pathetic...

****, do I always think back to that day.
Four months, eight days, six hours.
You just wanted to talk, those eyes said differently.
And I couldnt resist...
You had every man, and now had told me every lie.
And I just craved you all the same.

You ruined me.
Everyone I meet is put against you.
Everyone.

Shes sweet and nice, childish at times, like me.
But shes not you, I think of her, and then of you.
All while you sleep your way through the adult industries.

...you'll never be a ***** to me...

...

You know I can't watch Moulin Rouge because of you?!
Staying up late, watching that stupid film.
Now I'd rather mangle my own flesh then watch it again...

...

God I'm sorry...
I'd take you back but it wouldn't work...
I would be strange in your perfect world.

Your eyes are wine
Your lips, nicotine
Your skin, acidic
Your love, a cancer

I wish I could hate you...

What God?
Do you refer to the being responsible for pain and suffering?
That God?
Do you speak about a person who can take someone you love, and leave you behind?
Same God?
The same God responsible for this human ******* condition?
The same God who takes them to "someplace better" when they belong here?
The same God who chooses the life of a loving healthy man, over that of the true sinners?
That same selfish God?
So I ask again, What God?!

A deep breath, at least an attempt
Drawing air into my lungs; painful to say the least
Short shallow breaths relieving the horrible pain

That last kick, missing the block, threw myself off balance
My own **** fault

Deserving of the next kick, left side of my open rib cage
Stupidity is always punished

A sickening crack, an intense pain
Constant reminder to keep my guard up

Fight the urge to *****
Left arm numb from pain
If I stopped, stayed down too long; he would end it

“Told you to watch that kick Johnny Johnny”

Shook myself hard, working up the urge to keep going
Hell, I’d done this many times before

Eyes swollen shut and ringed with dried blood
His nose, broken; the unnatural angle it tilted, granted mine was too.

My left arm hung limp by my side
I swung again, hard right, for the widening cut above his eye
But so did he
Same hard right, sent me back into the dirt
He fell too.

Blur in my left eye, mere pooling blood
One person among the crowd
A girl
My age, dark hair
It was brown or black?
A tank top and jean shorts
Stood watching the fight shaking her head
Her coy smile
“Boys will be boys”

Only to muster a smile back
A toothy stupid grin
My mouth and teeth rather ****** and red


I wanted to just look at her
But time would not allow
Staggering forward again

Wanted this to end
Wanted to wash my face
Fix the pain that was tearing my ribs,
Most importantly
I wanted to know who she was.

Both fists back up
Swung slow, left hook
Left my ribs wide open
Brought his leg around again
Harder than the first
Grunting in pain and barring my teeth
Anger kept me on my feet

Left arm down fast a
Trapping his leg against my side
My right fist onto his knee
A satisfying crack
A blood curdling yell

He sobbed
Gasping for breath
Through tears he put his fists back up

My shoulder then planted hard into his stomach
Slammed into hard concrete below
He grasped my back until his met concrete
Only good fist ready to finish the fight
Last punch down I stopped.
Anything more would have been cruel


“**** John you look like hell!”

“Hey man,” I stopped him grabbing his arm, “who was that girl in the tank top, behind you earlier?”

He started to laugh. “Don’t concern yourself with that my friend, she’s too high class company for a guy like you.”

-Until We Meet Again-

Pele has lost one of her lovers.
I miss the goddess in all her majesty; Her deep blue oceans, sweet sandy beaches, Her dark black hair billowing down like the lava from the peaks of Her highest volcanoes.
Her seven sacred pools, each one cascading gracefully into the next, all finally spilling into her magnificent sea.
Her gorgeous body will forever entice my mind, with hair dark and beautiful, inhaling the scent of fresh pineapple and coconut, a hibiscus flower pinning back strands of hair behind her ear.
Her eyes, they were just as deep and amazing as the sea, something with which they were so familiar.
With lips red and lined with Hawaiian love songs sung just for you, tasting as fresh and young as the ocean itself.
Her body was adorned with fresh tropical flower leis and Kukui beads falling gracefully over ancient Hawaiian dress; all made from the same grass and leaves coming from the islands many trees.
All encircling those perfect hips, born to Hula and sway to any island rhythm, be it the slow and steady rattle of the Uli Uli, or the fast and powerful beat of the Pahu drum.
Finally pushed over the edge by the sight of her long tan legs, not shy to the suns warmth and fiery grasp, ending in bare feet more familiar to the islands then we’ll ever be.
I miss her and all her islands.
Oh, how I miss the island paradise Hawaii.

An old man on his front porch, staring at the stars. The same woman would walk by.
“Old man, why do you stare at the stars?”
He would produce a fast remark allowing her to be on her way.
Now, was different, staring at the dying stars.
“I stare for myself, those I’ve lost, and I’ve out lived. These dying stars you see are all that is left of me.”
“It has to get better.” She frowned.
Crooked smile, when getting old all the platitudes do the same.

The boy loved his dog,
He loved him a lot.
His name was Quite Easy,
He was covered with spot.
But to the boy’s sad sad demise,
His good old dog was nothing but lies.
For the day that Quite Easy finally died,
The boy saw he was merely a cat in disguise…

Oh Darling, Oh Darling,
I’m so sorry for this;
I’ve done you wrong so many a time,
Finally babe, it's my victimless crime.

Oh Darling, Oh Darling,
Need to apologize,
Realize I’m mad and bound for decay,
Need to tell you; the fleeting light of the day.

Oh Darling, Oh Darling,
I’ve lied, through these, my guilt,
Kneel here repenting, hugging your hips.
Start to break down, what was sobriety dips.

Oh Darling, Oh Darling,
I’ve done it all again;
You’re already aware of my past,
Your fears they will continued, here I relapse.

Oh Darling, Oh Darling,
I’m back to it, the past.
These scars and old wounds fester again;
I’m back in the dirt, like a dog in his chains.

Oh Darling, Oh Darling,
You’re forced to know this now;
I fought, and I fight, it’s gotten bad.
I broke, then killed a man, giving all I had.

Oh Darling, Oh Darling,
There was that look again!
You my rock, my only salvation;
Gone, apartment empty, at the bus station...

Oh Darling, you’re no longer mine!
I cry into a mirror, cursing my name;
Sorrow turns to anger, these fists to blame.
A crash, broken mirror, a home inflamed...

Oh Darling gone, Oh Darling gone,
I can only apologize with my life,
A true sacrifice to never enshrine...