I never felt truly alive until the first time I met you
I was 15, at a time when sports, school, and my first car should have clogged my mind
Kids in school wrote poems, complained about parents, and how they couldn't get drunk
I spent nights in back alleys, and bars giving my best friends black eyes

I met you from a cracked rib and a broken nose
I tried to wipe the blood from my face, as you laughed and helped me up
"Johnny, Johnny, when we get cut we let it bleed."

Like all those other kids I wanted to **** myself
You taught me not to die without a few scars
"Do not waste those unscarred knuckles"
So that's what I did, I followed your ****** footprints
Walked in your dark path, you made me stronger for it

And yet through all those fights, all that inflicted pain
I smiled because of you, I walked forward because you did too
Man, you were the brother I never had
The Savior to my stupid un-tempered self
I spent three years as your equal, as your friend
I left for a new state, taking all you taught me
A new man, raised by you
And then you left,
Late that night, I sat in a classroom
You did what we know is best and stayed in those places
You always had my back, and I would always have yours
But I was gone
I would have seen that man
I would have killed him had I known...

Had I only known,
Had I seen that last punch, had I only caught that last kick
Id be the one laying out on the cold concrete
You'd be the one living free
You wouldn't regret your life, and I wont let myself regret mine
No one ever really knew our minds
The men that actually lurked behind our faded eyes
And now no one will ever know you

"Get up Johnny, Johnny"
"No one can keep you down forever"

that alternative
it would have made sense

my hand could have fit with yours
your eyes could have seen into mine
see, you could have understood me
words could have matched words
thought could have matched thought
scars could match scars
hearts could match hearts
lips could match lips
pardon this, but maybe hips could match hips

and through all that time we'd fight
of course we'd fight
just like it was now, it would have been then
the only difference, in how it would end

remembering the first time we met
remembering how I hated you and you hated me
funny the childish ways my mind used to work
funny how it took me a lifetime or two to finally be
completely comfortable with what you meant to me
id never tell you this, its not a huge deal
hell, not even sure if any of that **** was real
yet i felt something there
covered behind those angry stares
we exchanged insults and never kind words
yet given the chance id follow your world
distance and time, never the right place
seems right, to never have held your hand
or kissed you cheek, talk is big
but my walk is cheap
you assured me I'm a *****
though drunk messages led to bashful smiles
honestly we might have been good for each other
but that's something i tell myself im content to never know
happy for you is all i have to say

Broke my back and tore my heart out
and threw it still beating to the birds

why the hell would i want to feel anything

i hate to see you happy
and hated myself for wanting to move on

you drown those sorrows with life
i drown mine with stupid decisions and alcohol
poison the body to ease the mind
killing off the brain cells that disagreed
.3 one week, .32 the next
lifes easier when im not myself
i can lie in their beds comfortably
hold them in my arms and not care about you

sad to say its finally working
i never said i love you because i couldn't mean it
and to tell the honest truth I never would have
stay hung up on me, let me fill your mind
because you will never fill mine

I spit tar and bleed black
my ******* smile is for them
my dead eyes follow their curves not yours
my broken hands caress those bodies that fill my bed

look for another like me
then you will finally see that you'll never find him
because anyone you could choose will always be better then me

I smoke,  I drink, I ****
I only came to get messed up
Yes I party even though Im underage
You dont get it, women love this rage
See I get them every nite
Without any sacrifice
Some want to call it love
I just wanna call them stupid
Im not here because I care
Im here for a death wish to come and see me
This point I have nothing left
Break bones for cash
See, every day lifes a blast
If you only knew my past...*

Youd know all of that wasn't me.

These hands ache
Raw from a punching bag
Every thud a wince
Every beat a tear
Move faster, hit harder, get better...
...stay pathetic...
All for her,

"Men blame their exes for their misfortunes,  and those are usually lies."
"They were all ******* and *****!"

And they were, but I think of you and my heart aches
You weren't
You
Someone I've worked so hard for,
Fought so long for,
And yet now, I'm just pathetic...

****, do I always think back to that day.
Four months, eight days, six hours.
You just wanted to talk, those eyes said differently.
And I couldnt resist...
You had every man, and now had told me every lie.
And I just craved you all the same.

You ruined me.
Everyone I meet is put against you.
Everyone.

Shes sweet and nice, childish at times, like me.
But shes not you, I think of her, and then of you.
All while you sleep your way through the adult industries.

...you'll never be a ***** to me...

...

You know I can't watch Moulin Rouge because of you?!
Staying up late, watching that stupid film.
Now I'd rather mangle my own flesh then watch it again...

...

God I'm sorry...
I'd take you back but it wouldn't work...
I would be strange in your perfect world.

Your eyes are wine
Your lips, nicotine
Your skin, acidic
Your love, a cancer

I wish I could hate you...

What God?
Do you refer to the being responsible for pain and suffering?
That God?
Do you speak about a person who can take someone you love, and leave you behind?
Same God?
The same God responsible for this human ******* condition?
The same God who takes them to "someplace better" when they belong here?
The same God who chooses the life of a loving healthy man, over that of the true sinners?
That same selfish God?
So I ask again, What God?!