I want to be strong

and fearless

again.

I long for courage.

Alas,

it was lost

in the back of the

ambulance.

I had it all.
Everything was brought to me
In the form of sharp wires
And cement.
I have stalked it
And traced it
And hunted it
In every relationship.
Because it takes a special
Something
To bring a real,
Heartbreaking
Kind of smile
Out of me.

I anticipate the day
when my happiness
like an illness
spreads
and I find no cure

I’m faced with a lot of frightening
Situations.
Everyone I hate is screaming into my face
About what I should be doing and
Who I should be being
While everyone I love is screaming into my ears
And telling me that it’s okay
To do what I’m doing
And be who I’m being.
I’m gutless
And really frightened
About living.
But, no matter how cracked my hands are
I can always latch onto something.
My anger and love
Will carry me through
Despite every punch that you,
And sometimes even I,
Throw.
I may even crumble, crumple, and collapse
But there will always be a gear
Melting and twisting
Inside of my heart.

Today
I was trash.
A huge pile of ******* trash.

I fear that is all
I will ever
Be.

I'm so lonely
and no one wants
That.

I remember
lying in bed
together
and thinking of poetry
instead of action.
Rarity
Rarity.
Thinking of poetry
instead of you.
Rolling over
and that was the end of it

I used to think that rolling up my sleeves
was a challenge.
Show me what you’re made of.
But time has no meaning to me
Anymore.
My scars mingle
on the in and out
and nothing
new or old
means much
Anymore.

You spoke
like a ghost
but you did not whisper.
Word after word
and punch after punch.
Like a ghost
as a ghost.
I have no one left anymore.

There was a time when my heart pumped

and then it was promptly ripped out.

I wandered

and then picked it up

brushed it off

and pump

it did once again.

Again, it was ripped out

but by yours truly.

I wandered

and then picked it up

brushed it off

and pump

it did once again.

Once more,

it was ripped out.

Now I wander

scar on top of scar

Not yet healed

and bleeding just the same.

Something hurt
as I awoke
so I took the kitchen knife
to carve it out.
Painstakingly,
I remember
the note you left
in my jacket pocket
when you gave it back to me
that afternoon.
I am a whole lot of aches
but it feels better
with this gaping hole
gushing blood.

Quite frankly,

I drape myself in black and leather

and it’s all so funny

because I don’t want to be alone.

Much of my life
as been spent
sitting in the back seat
of various cars.
I have dreamt my life away.
Today has been very
reminiscent
much like any other day.
I always lose myself
and those are my favorite moments.
I feel alone
in all that I do.

Kiss my throat
and wish me
Luck.
Kiss me like
Death
and never let me down
Again.
Be what has never been
and free me.

I imagine
it would feel like
Heaven
to have composure
and balance
with another.
I am crushed
by my own
Rubble.

I better tell all my friends
that I'm
Dying.
Because that's the only
thing that seems logical to do.
I'm running out of coffee
and the fan just fell out of the ceiling.
Running
the blood is pouring from my hands
God,
I'm beautiful right now.

Dining alone
a very late dinner
on a Thursday night.
I imagine
this is how Bukowski felt.
All alone
Surrounded by ghosts.

I wandered the hallways
I drank my coffee
I drank your water
I bought a record
I buttoned my shirt
I unbuttoned my pants
I cracked my bones
I cracked a window
I turned off
I turned on
I washed the dishes
I washed my face
I washed my hands
I cut my arm
I cut class
I cut off

I hate the blood that runs through my veins.
Weekly,
I drain myself
and boil it upon the stove.
Anger is a comfort.
I hate the blood that is so close to mine
I'm an angry son
of a
*****.

It’s like some part of me got sick of my own *******
and hopped a train
but lied when he said
*“I’ll come back soon.”

I’d forgotten what you even looked like.
You grabbed me by my
Coattails and spun me around.
You brought me in real close
And tight.
You revealed my face
And let out one single
Lovely
Breath.
My lungs filled with a whole new life
And never have I ever
Smelled such a miraculous scent.
Everything around me was affected
By your presence.
My love and lust for the
Cold
Vanished and with your guidance
I became a new creature
And then I ran.

I often forget what I'm made of
I remind myself
As long as I can see the stars
I think I'll end up okay

I sleep all day
But don't party all night
Yet I am still
Somehow
Exhausted
When the moon rises.
I am a whole lot of
Ache.

I am some
Bloodied puppet
that is tossed to one
and then the other.
Everyone fixes me back up
and has no clue on how
I’ve hurt myself.

I long to

awaken in the night

and be unable to

ease myself

back into an easy sleep.

I don’t want to be alone.

Lips

here

there.

Unsuspecting.

Pull

like a band-aid.

Find my veins.

I hungrily stare at everyone I meet
Everybody is leaving and everybody is going
I listen to the ones that have left
and I go nowhere
in the hopes that I’ll just
slip off the edge
somehow
without moving an inch.

Chewing on glass
I broke every bottle that I could get
my hands on.
Chewing on glass
I'm never satisfied with the blood that pours
through my teeth.
I shoot a fine stream through
the gap
and it's all fun and games.
I like how it stains my teeth
and every other part of me.
Forget late,
I never bloomed.

My head has been blank for a while
which must explain the silence.
Life overwhelms me
and the irony is
suffocating

Going

Don't even look at me

I'm gone

I've have always been away.

Sometimes
I get so filled up
that I spill over.
All my liquids
spill through my teeth
and out my mouth.
I can’t stop
laughing
and I can’t
stand up straight.
I can’t tell if I
embarrass her
or
not.

I miss you when I set the table
and I miss you when I shampoo my hair
and I miss you when I’m kicking off my shoes
even though
you’ve never seen me set the table
and you’ve never seen me shampoo my hair
and you’ve never seen me
when I’m done and *****
and kicking off my shoes.

And so I am free
in a way that I was not
before.
I will miss so much

Every memory
and bone of mine
will ache.

I will miss so much.

You never gave me my book back.

I’ve never been
so close
to an owl
Before.
I stared
and stared.
Away he flew
into the night.
Every so often
I have the same wish.

******* knows.
Nobody ******* understands
exactly who I am.

Waiting
for my own
eternal
Noir.

I'm giving you the creeps.
I don't even know what I need.
I am no help to anyone.
Myself
I am no one.
No one can help me.
I don't even know what I need.
Help me
Help me

In this very moment
I'm feeling,
still dissatisfied,
but content with being
Incomplete.
I feel that
I'm standing on the brink
of success
and Death is holding my hand
and Fate is kissing my throat
and I'm shy.
Really shy.

Cold weather
remind me of
every romance.
Romance is dead.
I am different
and boy,
Boy,
can I hit the bottom quick.
I’m real sad
and real lonely
and it’s all I ever wanted to be.

I scream
"hello."

That's good enough
for tonight

I haven't been writing
too much.
Because it's the same
stupid
stuff
that's forever
in what I'd like
to call
a brain

Never
will I ever romanticize
my youth.
Never
will I ever romanticize
my past.
I spit on Sentiment.
But it's all I have.

Sometimes I miss your voice
and other times your touch.
But last night,
I just missed you.

Time can really pack a punch

No wonder I’m covered in bruises

Who the **** cares
when you're lonely
and your hands are filled
with glass.
Who the **** cares.
If I'd spit in anyone's face
it'd be my own.

I am forever unhappy
and I never feel clean.
I'm tearing us apart
and that may be okay.
Perhaps one day
my bones will feel as good
as when you held my hand
and kissed my jaw.

My skin was pulled off yesterday
And I am sore
All over.
I look at you
And you’re *******
In every sense of the word.
I look at myself
And I am nothing
In every sense of the word.
Stand close and
Breathe
In every breath of mine.
Let them out
Slowly
For me to breathe
Back in.

I am fond of

Couches

of all things.

I remember

New Years Eve,

alone,

dozing on the couch

troubled

impatient for midnight.

I also remember

one night,

together

Only I was

dozing on the couch.

In a haze, I awoke

and there you were.

At times I realize,

such a loss.

I'm tired
I'm tired of bleeding
I'm tired of freezing
I'm tired of working myself to the bone

I'm no poet
Kiss me until I'm warm