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Derek Sep 2014
far from the origin, there is a gap that widens
to the tears of every adolescent that has thought
of committing suicide.
and around the corner, the lemon sheds,
souring the moods and the smiles of everyone
who didn't think about harming themselves today.
and there i am, in the shadow of my new self,
coping with the lack of self-loathing -
relearning how to feel something other than hate.
now,
that gap ceases to exist.
depression weeps at all of the giggles
every survivor smiles.
the moon shines bright,
reflecting the pearly whites that are now visible.
the skin has healed. and so has the heart -
but the mind goes through constant withdrawals,
cycling and cycling
till the process is repeated.
but we unite, strong as one,
breathing the same breath -
dreading the next breath.
Derek Sep 2014
the paint in the corner of the wall has dried
and become a brittle piece of its former self,
condensing like a melting milkshake
inside a trash bag.
Derek Apr 2014
adulthood will surface
and as I awkwardly ***** my childhood,
i fear independence.
Derek Mar 2014
twinkle twinkle little star.
the girl floats with such grace across her bedroom floor.
she is a fairy, or maybe she's a bird.
dancing with leisure, the faults in her eyes stand strong.
how i wonder what you are!
she doesn't understand why her passion
doesn't make her happy anymore.
she ties her hair in a bun,
gliding from her comfort zone only to meet disapproval.
up above the world so high.
and the only way she thinks she can feel is to get high,
so high where there's no oxygen
and the atmosphere knocks her out cold -
so she doesn't have to feel
lonely.
like a diamond in the sky.
there are no diamonds in the sky.
only tears of despair and desperation and
grief.
twinkle twinkle little star.
her arm hangs above her head.
and the numbness dulls the pain of the cuts,
scattered across her appendage.
how i wonder what you are.*
"i am a fairy" she says - head half-cocked,
happiness fully gone.
Derek May 2015
our bodies are melting jellyfish,
stinging beneath the ocean's surface
for a chance at reincarnation.
Derek Jul 2014
i pay my fare with loneliness.
my journey always ends the same.
contemplation.
it won't stop till
a halo shimmers around my skull.
Derek Sep 2014
there's nothing more pleasing
than looking at yourself in the mirror
and not crying because of what you see .
Derek Aug 2014
my bones tremble at the meeting of hate and stones.
it waves unilaterally for a truce between
the marrow and the muscle
to no avail.
Derek Aug 2014
tragically unapologetic
because admitting regret
means facing the consequences
of my actions

we love so hard for reciprocity.
we love so hard for happiness


*
where's my happiness?
Derek Oct 2014
i've manufactured a new identity.
i tried to love myself this one time,
and the ghost of my new self possessed me
with all of those insults.
i'm a new person now.
and all i ever asked for was to be happy.

//oops
Derek Oct 2014
wheels are independent of themselves
they roll as if they were children at a playground
the concept of regret doesn't trigger visceral pain
and doesn't eat them from the inside and out
and their pale expression as they touch the concrete
resonates so softly with their exterior,
and they give no *****.
and i wish i were a wheel
i get no breaks with physicality
but at least i know i won't wake up sobbing in the middle of the night
wheels are my esoteric dream
and that's okay with me
Derek Dec 2014
there is some divinity
beneath the soul;
scorched.
numbers floating
around the pendulum.

crack into smaller pieces
and hydrate.

numquam ama nimis!
Derek Dec 2014
hit her with the knife;
mouth caved in.
dressed without purpose
feeling sorrow within.

dancing on the chimney;
smoke packed down.
bullets in the moonlight
cries broken down.

the conveyer belt spins;
jumps into the ocean.
skies plunge deep
without their kin.

o' how i miss you.
Derek Jan 2015
tears on a tongue,
dried, graveled peppers scorched
her skin. it's damaging
to think the ground possesses the
fury of a pagan god.
it's an intensity, unmatched;
a handshake, five fingers.

she makes me want to hurt myself again.
my sanity lies on the edge;
the circumcised periphery,
make me whole.
Derek Jan 2015
maybe if I understood
that this loneliness is forever,
I wouldn't be burdened by
the sadness.
Derek Jan 2015
after a moment, i see you glance across
the black lake; a symbiosis enriched
with mud.
i create a sculpture engraved
with her last breath. all of it.
calling out from beneath the torn branch,
a shade a fog becomes my own mask.

danced into a puddle
of rain that condensed too quickly.
she caught me. every last whisper
and sound and grievance
was heard.
Derek Dec 2014
ashes purify;
watery sockets sponging
what they can contain.

stitch. burn,
turn into a kindling fire.
is this desire?

you're a day too soon.
my thoughts evacuate,
molasses lips - don't flee.

reach in far.
let's cross paths.
eventually,
death by chocolate will occur.

suffocating cellophane
wrapped explorations.

my end has begun, dear.
Derek Nov 2014
isolation is a wonder
aggressively pacifying
the unspoken.

what warmth
when you realize you are
slowly self-destructing.
Derek Oct 2014
i am the carrier
falling into the margins of the paper.
dry in the sand with infallibility
and crust like the corner of my mother's eye.
i am cracking in quarters wrapped in Cupid's inverted
arrow.
i feel unloved.
and i am in here in the lonely hour;



i really wish i weren't alone tonight.
f
Derek Nov 2014
twigs dangling from their medium.
bodies tearing,
aortas stretching.
smoke doin' the tango with the esophagus.
salination forming in the crusts of receptors.

i have no concept of time
other than it soars.
i am a bald eagle,
soarin' high till i am shot down,
left on the ground.

love don't live here.
embrace me till the sun rises.
i wanna stay down
'cuz it feels alright.

i am at the bottom.
and I kinda like it
struggle for me.
Derek Feb 2016
change brings the most frightening
transitions of my life.
change means that one day,
I might learn to love myself.

I'll save that for another lifetime.
V.
Derek Feb 2014
V.
I would liken you to a stab wound,
the way you've caused me so much pain -
but I must admit I provided the knife.
Derek Mar 2014
rushing to the non-relinquished title of happiness,
we turn with such blind faith at reality
for that once chance of obtaining a smile
or maybe even a grin that is involuntary.
but joyful stories are myths and glee is a lie
because how can anyone move those mouth muscles
with such abject sadness in the world.
i try to eliminate my feelings because feelings are feelings
and i'd rather not feel than feel bad
but no one wants to here a sob story.
i softly add fervor to my daily life for it to be destroyed
but valiantly i survive the day
but unfortunate my pillow won't -
drowning in the saltiness that emits from my eyes.
but it'll get better, that's what they always say.
but what if doesn't? should i be forced to drown in the misery
like my pillow or will i learn to not succumb to my feelings
and triumph over the cold air running through my hair.
no.
they will win.
they have won.
but i will come back.
higher than ever.
dancing on the empire state building because nothing will
consume me except my nerves.
because i am valiant.
not.
Derek Apr 2016
i can hear the bomb ticking.
it’s a nursery rhyme that I want
to put me to sleep forever. to stare,
patiently, as it preys (prays)
on (over) the weak and forgiving;
i want to it to detonate.
Derek May 2016
the sun released a photon
into my lap.
stretch. yawn. shiver.
to curl back into a
liquid-smooth pearl diver
or engage with the peril
of my own biology.
the question of the day
isn't rhetorical. it's a ripening, decaying
flesh eating virus
that itches like a plague.
Derek Nov 2014
save me the time.
the rotary patterns
click, click, click
till sound drowns out.

chasing dust,
go 'round my spine
and crack my incisor.

o, i am here.
standing beside you,
and in front you,
and underneath you.

tick. tock.
tick. tock.
till the blood rushes down.
Derek Dec 2013
Poetry gives me more solace
than any animate object could.
It warms the soul,
soothes the mind,
and relaxes the nerves.
But sometimes I wonder,
"why are all of the poets always so sad?"

Why don't we celebrate the good thing in our lives?
If we strip away the ****,
and get to the center of the core,
we can all write about something happy.

Like when your crush said hello to you at school
(okay, maybe that's a little unrealistic.)
But when you had an awesome time at theater with your friends,
or when your sister slipped on the ice and your laughter brought you to tears.
Or maybe when your favorite episode of a TV show came on,
reminiscing about the memories via old Kodaks,
eating a wonderful piece of pie,
or maybe even helping out the fellow man.

How about the cathartic conversation you had with your father,
going to visit your grandparents,
engaging in an insightful debate with the neighbor.
Or just simply:
Turning the **** up by yourself in your bedroom
in your underwear,
with the music eroding the feeling in your eardrums,
singing your heart out,
and enjoying the excitement only you can bring yourself.
Jazz it up.
Be happy
and let your genius reflect that.
Derek Mar 2015
remember when the parabolas were to steep

and the martyr flew out of the sky to save us
all?

exposure to the curves bent us, but we stood still.

icy syncopation in our eardrums and no one could stop
our cadence.

we were cold and chilly, and our bodies began to flush out the

heat, but we stood firm. the wind whipped our eyelids,

and the river crashed into the trees.

our own metamorphosis was one of tyrannical thoughts

but purity lied between our veins. i stared at my hands for hours,

webbed and amphibian-like. we weren't ourselves

and after the fifth of March we fell into the vespertine.

transformation complete.
androgyny in its fullest form.
Derek Aug 2015
fingertips against
a glass pane, smothered.
paint drips from the ceiling,
peeling back its exoskeleton.
it's bare, rooted in rotting wood.
let me in.
i could do it forever.
one ounce of indiscretion is tortuous,
but it is my remedy. guitar strings are strummed
in the closet and the drums
were not ready for their awakening.
Derek Feb 2014
to that one girl over there*

chock-full of intimacy,
i can't stop looking at the wrinkles in your hair
and the way they caress the curvature of your ears.
every smile drives me deeper into insanity,
and as your upper intersects with your lower,
i heave a sigh of pain.
waltz there, waltz here - your every move is like a dance
God Almighty choreographed himself.
My soul is like a bird - fluttering to the unknown,
but every season I come back for you.
your thighs were sculpted my Michelangelo,
your voice was crafted by Ella Fitzgerald,
your grace was gifted by your parents,
and my love burns hotter than the passion i have for you.

— The End —