Insanity ended with a shatter
as I laid waste
to
boring unpredictability

Write her a love note
dance in her dreams
drink up her thoughts
walk the maze of her eyes
    and get lost

Ask her about her day
Learn about her life
Swim in the sea
of her aspirations

If you always listen to her heart
She'll always take care of yours

one plus one is one
whenever we're together.
math teachers hate me

You walk down the *****
cobblestone street
there is an old man
that you're going to meet

He has with him a paper
that contains my last wishes
It explains what to do
with my vast wealth and riches

You meander along
confused at this mystery
you see, we haven't spoke
since 2nd grade history

You enter the office
and are offered a chair
the man's tired eyes
give you a rather bored stare

He gets down to business
he hands you a key
and a card with an address
then he asks you to leave

Your curiosity wins
and you see yourself out
next thing you find yourself
in front of a house

This house is old
and decrepit and weary
hell, you'll admit it
it's just a bit scary

Taped up on the door
of this nightmarish lair
Is a note with your name
that just says "Downstairs"

Inside the house
the place looks like a wreck
as you do your best to ignore
the chills down your neck

You go down to the cellar
and you come to a halt
nothing to find
but a large metal vault

You grin with excitement
and you giggle with glee
your hand is shaking
as you put in the key

You swing open the door
and what do you find?
naught but a note
folded three times

You cautiously open it
and read it aloud
It says "Yur a dorkhead"
You furrow your brow

You haven't a clue
You turn the note in your hand
You're about to walk out
when the vault door is slammed

You scream and you shout
But try as you might
No one can hear you
that vault's sealed tight

While you sit in there rotting
just try and remember
who read that note?
Just who was the sender?

Who's the dorkhead now?

We have a language, you and I
There are no words
They have no place

Our nouns are the soft kisses
down your neck
my hand brushing your hair
away from your face

our adjectives are the way
our legs entwine
how your toes curl towards mine
and how your arms wrap
around my back

Our verbs are found
in each others eyes
spoken through smiles
and punctuated with
gasps, whispers, and sighs

Our language
of touch
says more than any
spoken language
ever could.

Of course, like most languages
there are always exceptions
to the rule
You're allowed to say
I Love you

There was a time that I found my life
to be boring
inane
bourgeois
some...other fancy sounding word
but that was before I discovered how amazing
life could truly be. That was before I discovered
InsaniFree. I bought it over the phone
for $14.83 and let me tell you

I couldn't be happier now.

You just take a teaspoon a day, and your
annoying
    controlling
        bothersome
sanity just slips away,never to be seen again.
Why within the first day I had quit my job of 25 years.
Just up and quit!
I walked into my boss's office and told him I was done.
Done being underpaid and overworked.

Well...
I might have actually just ran in covered in toner
with my pants tied around my head and tried
to jump through the window only to find it
was reinforced glass...
but it's practically the same thing.

Anyway...

I have a new job now as a "Rodent anxiety theorist".
It's so exhilarating and I've never felt more fulfilled
as a member of the work force. I spend my days
carefully observing the small critters at the park
to see what makes them tick.

Quite literally the best job ever.

Well...
I guess it technically isn't a "job", as I don't really get paid.
I basically run around throwing acorns at squirrels, then write
down what they do on napkins. They generally run away,
but I think they're starting to mobilize. I've got my eye on them.

Isn't it amazing what you can do when you don't let your
stupid
   oppressive
       restrictive
sanity stop you from doing the things you want?


Just a week ago I left my wife of 12 years. I told her
I couldn't stand her unrealistic expectations anymore.
"Dear, you need to spend more time with your son"
"Dear, we don't talk enough"
"Dear, take out the trash"
"Dear, please stop cutting locks of my hair while I'm sleeping"

Women, am I right?

I'm so much happier now. I'm marrying my dream girl next month.
Literally.
As in she's a girl that only exists in my dreams.
The paperwork will be tricky, but I think I can manage.


Now that my goodfornothing sanity is out of the way,
I can focus on lifelong dreams like
traveling the world
learning a new language
or just running through a mall and seeing how many people
I can squirt with ketchup before security tackles me.
I could never do these things before.

Well...
I guess technically I can't do them "now"
since I'm writing this from my padded cell,
but I know it's only a matter of time
before my new wife gets here with the paperwork.

She's great.

I hope she hurries though...I think I saw a squirrel.

Wait for laughter.