when i think i am coming home to you, i just find a strange man
like an escaped mummy, incoherent, lost and heartless
spouting nonsense and one sided stories
not once listening to mine, just waiting for his turn to speak
convinced i don’t care while he carelessly throws his ***** bandages all over the place
and when he falls back into his tomb i have to pick up the mess
so in the morning it will look like nothing happened
just left with the cold feeling of a ghost passing through,
terrified because he will come back.

we're going backwards; the universe
reverting back to a singularity
at once a bright star, i have
since collapsed
unto myself, to
nothing-
ness.

your heart is an alaskan wilderness
and i never know what's hiding in the trees

these symbols just flow out of my inkwell soul
hieroglyphic tears streaming from a forgotten, ancient face
the pen feels so natural in my hand
like its been holding it for
centuries
always
dripping
never finished

sometimes i get so angry that you are
empty
i want to shake you shake you shake you until you are gasping my name because
i know if you knew how to love
you would love me
but i refuse to get out while i still can
i hold onto the briefest moments where we are inside of each other
and you can almost see the light

Is the color of unrequited love
It is the teasing of petals surrounding nothing
The temporary watercolor disguise rubs off onto fingertips
And the thorns are brutal knives drawing translucent tears
Drain me of feeling, oh God, if you are really out there
I didn't choose this destiny, let me try again
I'm going to Oz to get a refund
For this heart beats much too fast, and is tiring me
Life would be so simple hollow
It's not like I needed you, it's not like that
I saw you and you saw me
Together I felt, the stars were in reach
But those constellations are now just as fake as the ones on your ceiling
And my arms, they reach farther than yours and create huge shadows on the walls
That end up swallowing all the light
I only know how to save the world with love
And apparently it's never enough
If I had to say I was sorry for something
It would've been my passion
Because its poisonous plagues destroy everything
They say to, be careful what you wish for
But
My greatest strength is my absolute weakness
And sometimes I would give anything to do without this depth
Without my ultra-sensitive x-ray vision WARNING flashing on the screen
I could be oblivious again
I miss believing in everything and knowing nothing
Even though I always look back and blame it on myself
But I can't delete my senses as easily as I delete all our pictures
And all the beautiful empty words you said
Even when they all took place I was conscious of savoring
Because I somehow knew they may be the last
While you slept, I stayed awake and silently wept
Like that man in your story, was it too late?
I held on tight like it was the nearing end of a roller-coaster ride
While you were nonchalantly unbuckling the safety belt
Gladly stepping off the platform
Leaving me behind
Struggling to stand right-side-up after being so upside-down
I am still dizzy
My feelings irritate my skin
I want to flick them away like mosquitos
But they are deeply barreled and eating me away
And I
Can't
Stop
Itching.

darlings, you must remember
that the most beautiful things
will always **** you the best
that pieces of you will have to die
to become part of something else
it's a sacrifice we all make
it's the price we all pay
even if our pockets are empty and our hearts bled dry
we will give and give but never dare to take

there was always a shadow of
something,
but i wasn’t sure of its existence
until i felt the
flutter
under my skin,
a pulse of dead things
brought to life
a cluster of
silent creatures
in the zoo of my body
haunting the tips of my fingers
where i once held you
and a
spark
of remembrance
of things from a past
that has never happened
until you came along
and broke the wall separating dimensions
the universe has exploded in
my night time eyes
and i am even farther away
from the truth
sometimes things are much too great to comprehend
this must be what god is,
if anything at all
this must be a reason
this must be a meaning

there’s not enough room for me
in your present
how can you see me in your future
you’re killing me and
it will only be realized
when it is much too late
and you’ll go back a thousand times to save me
try to do things differently
but you’ll fail
and you’ll fail
and you’ll fail
because you’re stuck somewhere
where i never existed
and i am fading from
the known world
by the
second

can't sleep
too many possibilities await me in the
night; the time of lonely wolves
i howl with them

i never understood the sun and its purpose
and when the thoughts come i almost cannot bear
the weight

philosophy is a brave art
but i am curious and fearful of
answers
so i stay,
howling, in the dark.

I hope you come back to Earth, soon
I hope you find what you're looking for out on that road in the middle of nowhere, somewhere
I hope you find it in the ocean, at the very bottom
And if you drown before you come back up
I hope you catch me in the corner of your eye
Turquoise tails flailing and beating against a watery wind
My hair snaking down my spine and my ice blue eyes in yours before you choke on your last breath

I will miss you.

Wasting my parent's money I skip algebra to lay in the grass and watch ants crawl up my arms
I can't summon the strength to face numbers and figures and x equals agony and y equals misery
And when you divide them you get a quotient sense of absolute isolation from the swarming intellectual hive of the world
I watch the clouds and ask them why living is worth all this hassle
All this nodding and smiling along never really comprehending
I ask them as if they hold all of the answers inside like they hold the rain
They tease me and slide out of view right as I grasp their responding formation
The reasons to keep going are always changing and at times drift away completely
Over the horizon leaving me
Nothing
But
Blue.

war, hunted lives.
hungering toward clarity
choke
          unerring
                         inequality

beloved
          pneumonia.

**** my energy blood and
Recycle it when you go back to your coffin every night
My empathy kills me
My empathy liberates me
I feel so weak, so very very weak
I am the strongest person I have ever known
I am everyone I have ever known
The most knowing of the strength to defend my castle but it is open to the public
I will have to warn the masses of the oncoming spread of disease
"Please take a brochure and know what you are getting yourself into"

STOP HURTING HER
Stop hurting everyone because I feel pain that isn't mine
Its easy to fake it
It's even easier to fake-out yourself
Everything you touch turns into pyrite and fools run up to it thinking they have found gold.

Have you ever felt five minutes

s t  r   e    t     c      h       e        d

into eternity?

Your mind an endless stream of worries and doubts and darkness
walls closing in, claustrophobia hyperventilation
panic panic panic attack

Take me somewhere new right now
somewhere where I can bask in my own self-deception
thinking I can run away from the oncoming moment
the oncoming train, headlights in the tunnel charging straight towards me

nowhere to hide.

The phantom inside always following
like trying to play tricks on your own reflection...

this is what its like. its like holding your breath underwater. its like wandering with no destination. its like a narrow corridor, drink this and you will be small enough to fit through it. its like almost tripping over the unexpected rise in the sidewalk. its like that moment when you catch yourself right before your face collides with the cement. its like the cement itself, gray and watching happiness hanging just above. its like keeping the stare of a stranger. you cant stop but if you look away too soon youll make the silence awkward. its like the hunger of a girl who refuses to eat. progress hurts so good. its like taking a sip of red wine. its like an accidentally-on-purpose confrontation. its like a summer sun shower, it rains when its the brightest. its like the taste of strawberries, and the tiny seeds get stuck in your teeth. its like biting your nails after you've finally grown them out. its like a movie that takes you in its grip and doesnt let you go. its like the rolling credits where youre still intoxicated from it. its like...."yeah im writing a blog." "whats it about?" "i...dont really know. it's like, poetry, or something." its like a subliminal message, its telling you straight to your face, its right in front of you, but you're oblivious. its like the air that pinches your arms in autumn. its like the scarf you tie around your neck. its like the stones you believe will affect you somehow, will lend you their powers. its like finally, looking forward to something, or something like it.

his eyes, icebergs
he is dangerous and you can hit them and sink at any moment
and i am the titanic- my too large of a heart
trying to take over the entire sea

i may be an optimist,
but the truth never escapes me
the soldiers in my chest have long
abandoned their posts
with the foreknowledge that
some wars
will never be won

the boys will always win because they have fists
and if we cry too hard, too much
they can shove them in our mouths
spit in our hair
trample our dreams
destroy things without consequence
fear a great fuel, a great devil they welcome
and tango with
fists are stronger than feelings because there is no time for such
distasteful, factless,
imaginary concepts
such wastes of space, such wastes of time

my form is formless
         -ness
he said i was a strange creature
to be remembered
now and again,
         always

i wonder how i looked
         dancing
with too many chemicals inside of me
my eyes
         wide
                and wandering

i couldn't let go of his hand for days

and in the rarest moments i let myself
slide
         back in time,
i am almost convinced
         that i never did.

i was never meant for this
i was born wrong, a reincarnation misplacement
this foreign heart, beating and feeling too fast for my own good
an alien to my own existence

perhaps i should have been a free bird
or a lonesome whale, i'm used to the deepest and darkest of trenches

this wounded animal inside of me, it's spiraling me down again
and i'm tired, so ******* tired
of getting up again

i have a love affair with my scars,
a collector's cove
   of secret treasures

and late at night,
i stroke them like the memories
   of old lovers

we were trapped in there for so long that the hand on the clock forgot the direction it was going
that still sameness, over and over
that void, our voids, never being filled, and i tried
to cover them with beautiful things but the walls screamed
“lies, you’re lying, you are not in love and you never will be”
i formed habits i never had, sleeping pills and 42 proof

i just wanted to close my eyes for a while
i just wanted to be held for a while

i never knew what you really felt like, a piece of glass between us
so many times i broke through, but i always paid the price
my fingers bled and you’d build it up again
so i grew comfortable on the other side

we have been ghosts floating next to each other in here for eternity,
but each too immersed in our own death, to notice.

Shrink me small enough to travel through your body at the speed of light sound vibrations to find your core of thought wavelength motivations slowly intoxicating from the poison you drink to numb them and I poetically overdose physically overdrive feel your pain thinking its mine and deciding this is not me anymore and that I no longer know who you are.

the poet in me is lost
it left my body while i slept, while i wept
and the shades of life have since grown duller
colors reach out to touch me
they say see me, see me
i once filled your endless cup of a spirit
with something,
an awing otherness
but all i see is the pit from whence it ascended
it's just black, black and black

it's weird how you slowly start collecting parts of someone you're with
how you merge into a world that you didn't know existed before you met them
how everyone has their own world, histories, ghosts
you collect the names and faces of their personal population
knowledge about their deepest thoughts, desires, fears
collecting all of the shared moments for your internal scrapbook
and even their objects: various clothes, dvds, furniture
you collect new songs that you've never heard before, and their gifts, letters, greeting cards
you don't even seem to notice this happening as it becomes so natural to adapt to their world
it's new and exciting and you throw yourself inside so easily, gracefully
and when it doesn't work out after immersing yourself completely
everything shatters and you wonder how you ended up there to begin with
then you find yourself with all these mementos from it, and don't know how they fit now
your personal world was changed because of their world
you have to pull the threads from the veil that's been over your eyes
it's one of the more difficult things in life, removing yourself from an old reality
it haunts you like a town long abandoned but you know better than to ever go back.

there's a book inside my head
and it's all about you
it writes itself when i sleep and edits when i wake
i have ten thousand manuscripts by now
but i'm scared to write you down
i'm scared of letting you in
i'm scared of provoking your spirit again
reality lets me run but my
mind won't let me hide
one of these days i'll be strong enough
to stick my hand in your cage and feed you the words i've kept inside
until then i'll brush them under rugs
and dance them away

virginia filled her pockets with rocks
and walked into a river
sylvia taped her doors shut
and crawled inside her oven
anne took a swig
and started her car to nowhere
ernest, like his fathers before him
an old fashion shotgun to the head
them and us and i
we were given too many thoughts to manage
and we failed to keep the dam up
to keep out all of those endless loops of words that
just kept flowing,
kept us reminiscing of a deeper emptiness that could never be articulated
the world of writing was never meant for the faint of heart
but so often madness has met creativity
and became the most arduous of lovers

poems--are
indeterminate
analysis questions
giving purpose
to existing.

would be walking in the snow, alone

and the soft padded movements under your feet

will ask me questions others wouldn't dare to know.



you

would sit next to me on the bus

and ask how i read without getting sick

and i would throw words up on you.



you

would be in a bookshop

in the metaphysical section

and you would show me thick paged dream interpreters

and i would show you the cover of ****** Astrology.



you

would be lost in a song

throwing glances at me from stage

and the passion that spews out from being on top of everything

everyone's listening.



you

would compliment my brain

and not my body.



i would try to impress you with both.



you

would be smoking a bowl under blacklights

and i would ask for a hit

of you, of you.



[who are you? where are you? how do i find you?]

that you were "all in"
then why are your toes
barely wet
and i'm already
drowning

I'm sleeping in your bed tonight, alone
Because you left me in the back of your mind
I'm not special anymore, so **** it
I'll smoke a cigarette, a habit I never had
I'll pass out in your room where I'm usually holding you or underneath you
Summer's here, so I'm trying to keep the glass half-full
I don't need a boy to empty it again, I'd rather risk that with a man
But deep down, really
I wish you were here even if you have forgotten all about me
But you're probably somewhere in the mountains, seeing things that aren't really there
Maybe it's me
And I'm in the trees and in the stars and I'm raining fire on you until it scorches your skin
And you wake up for a split second from your daydream at night
I'll color the sky like Northern Lights and tell you to come back home.

Eyelids sewn shut zombies wake and prey upon
Flesh in the shape of words
They were grave stricken
And adrenaline seeped through dormant veins
Blood is truth
This is all we know
Instinct, attack, leave for others to devour
Morbid, my symbols
The best ways to depict such an ache
Gruesome and gnawing
Reminding
Never dead, head always running
Only defeated by my own consuming desires.

What if your life was in a cage
And all the animals came to stare
You are a display case
How would you live
If everybody was watching?