and that's when i decided to keep my words to
myself
my veins forever excluded from the daylight
my blood no longer yours to feed on
you kept me outside like a dog gone rabid
no wonder i gnawed at your mouth
begging for sweeter words
you gave me nothing nothing nothing
except a muzzle to sleep in
i am taking away your power

i am adjusting
i am pretending

what makes you get up and walk to the liquor store
when you can barely get up to do laundry
or god forbid wash a **** dish
can’t you just say
not today?

is it your brain and the way it is wired
with neurons firing and serotonin lowering
needing something anything
does your liver shiver from the weekend before
does your body shake until you get more

or are you just bored and tired of
******* on the couch to the same cheesy 80s **** you got in a bargain bin
i would honestly prefer the latter, as if it is something you could control
but you still manage to ***** all over our ghetto apartment because you couldn’t make it to the bathroom in time
and i spend my nights scrubbing it with dollar store carpet cleaner because my paychecks are used to buy
twelve packs of generic dr. pepper, hamburger helper and chocolate cupcakes for a grown *** man

i had to call your mother a few times because you couldn’t even speak and it scared me
that you could possibly get more stupid
but i am stupid too because i love you and i still
let you play video games and not nag you
at least until you’re sober

i just wait until you pass out oblivious to the damage you’ve done that day
and eat all your ******* cupcakes in revenge.

it’s a pen of bulls in your stomach
the wonder, the not-knowing, the what-ifs, whens coulds and might-bes
the numbers on an oxygen tank dwindling down

too many thoughts becoming their own creatures,
tearing down cities that we carry inside

it’s leaves shivering from an island wind,
the people running away from shore

that moment when you slip on ice and you don’t know if you’ll catch yourself

it’s dying, not knowing where you’ll go
and space, not comprehending how vast

counting all the possibilities in the universe and only thinking
about the most horrific ones
some of us always live in worst case scenarios
and i,
have not yet mastered the art of surviving them.

i was born with my heart outside of myself
free to grapple with and pull apart

and they did, they did

there was once an artist
who laid out knives and needles and guns
and spread out on a table
and waited

she didn’t even move when they started to **** and stab
and i have always wished i had the same strength

that sad little rainy sky
the chill of the sheets from your sweat the night before,
and the creases it left behind.

i discard belief in demons or angels
or resurrection or blood spent for my sins
but i have seen evilness in human nature
i have felt the wastes of desire
the utter trash of always being unsatisfied

if i was judged i could never be forgiven
if hell existed i would be queen

i'm tired of writing poems about love
sometimes i'm tired of love
but there's no running from it
only rinsing and repeating
crying and leaving
cutting and healing
dying and living